North Star Writers Group

After recently reading the worst book of all time, called �Lovemarks: The Future Beyond Brands,� I decided to test the author�s premise that creating intimacy between customers and brands is the future of marketing.

First, I tried to spend the night with my running shoes, but for some reason, my husband is much more exciting than a pair of Reeboks. Hmmm? I even decided to choose a random product from my medicine cabinet and substitute it in a beautiful love poem by Pablo Neruda.

�Oh my Arrid Solid Extra Dry,

your caresses enfold me,

like climbing vines on melancholy wall�

I seem to glimpse you, my Arrid Solid Extra Dry

in every window��

A funny thing is happening. I�m just not feeling it here.

I like Arrid. Arrid is worthy of my hard-earned money. She has protected me from embarrassment a few times, and maybe let me down a few others. Arrid is � well, a DEODORANT!

Marketers and advertisers: I have news for you. There is no such thing as a lovemark unless you are, in fact, referring to a hickey. In the book, the author says, �It is only through intimacy that the barriers of reserve will dissolve and brands can be called Lovemarks!�

I am trying to think back on a time when my �barriers of reserve dissolved.� Ah yes, it is all coming back to me now. College. First real boyfriend. When we broke up, I cried for days. Maybe it was weeks. You see, I don�t remember, because I was in love with him, and so I was devastated.

That�s what love is. It�s strong enough to make you or break you. But if Proctor and Gamble went out of business tomorrow, I can proudly � assuredly � say that I would not shed a tear. Besides, I have a secret for P&G and its Crest brand in particular.

Now, this is hard for me to admit, but my therapist says I must. Crest, I have been cheating on you. It�s true. In June, I was on an organic kick and Burt�s Bees led me into temptation. I have even worse news. Burt is �more talented� than you, if you know what I mean.

Oh, it doesn�t stop there. Last month, Colgate was on sale at the pharmacy. I needed fresh breath so badly � oh Crest � I couldn�t resist his charms, his heavy whispers in my ear: �Cindy. My love. Buy one. Get one free.� Why Crest, you must think me a horrible person with no morals!

On the book jacket, Lovemarks discusses forming long term emotional relationships between brands and people. Yet today, while driving down the road, I made another relationship-altering decision to drive past � right past � Pier One and head into a frame shop instead. Have I no loyalty?

Actually, I have lots of it. I have been with the same man for six years. The same boss for almost nine. I am a normal person. It�s the marketers who are crazy!

I do not wake up having had a satiating dream about my toilet paper. If I did, I would seek help. I would recognize that I need a life, amongst other things. Like a REAL satisfying relationship, not one with a cup of a coffee or a running shoe.

So, while marketers are dreaming up rubbish that they wish applied to things I can buy at Rite-Aid, like �Love is the only way to ante up the emotional temperature and create new kinds of relationships,� I have a different thought. What you should focus on is the fact that love is a lot like my guy friends in college: very confused between Mrs. Right and Mrs. Right Now. Yet at the same time, not really caring too much unless they were getting what they needed at the time.

That�s how I feel. Mindshare? Not going to happen! Being at the end of the grocery aisle so that I can grab you quick and get home to my REAL love � my husband? Now that�s marketing!

Cynthia Droog doesn�t freelance write so she can buy J. Crew, although she has been known to buy them � or Levis --- or Gap � when her last pair of jeans gets a hole in a place that excludes them from the list of things she can wear in public. Send hatemail � but no lovemarks � to cindy@northstarwriters.com.

� 2005 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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