There had been so many moments where I wanted to end my life because I wanted to stop the pain, I wanted to feel nothing at all. I’m not ashamed of that, I’m not ashamed of my past or who I am. I think we’ve all been there, we’ve all wanted to end our life at some point, a few of us actually do it. I had troubled thoughts convincing me that suicide was the only way to stop the pain and end all of this misery, and those thoughts got worse every day. I wanted to cease to exist but I knew there was more, I knew there were places yet to travel, books yet to read, movies yet to watch and people yet to meet. While a part of me wanted to leave this world, another part of me was begging to stay. Every time I refused to eat, go out or even interact with anyone, I was destroying myself and it had to stop. I had the ability to get better but I chose to depress myself even more. But then one day, I stopped being so selfish and I stopped shutting everyone out, I stopped pushing my parents away because I thought of what might happen to them if I ended my life, they had already lost a son and I was more than just a daughter to them, I was a gift they waited 12 years for. One day, I stopped ruining myself and decided to see my life for what it really was, I was lucky enough to have friends and family to love me, people who would give up anything to see me smile again. And that’s when the pain I had felt was gone because I realized that the only way I’d be able to live, to really live, is if I let go of my past because what has happened to me does not determine where I’ll end up, there are many paths to take and choosing to end my life was not one of them.
30day challenge, day 02: where do you see yourself in 10 years
I had my entire life planned out. I had already picked out my major, where I’d like to work, who I’d like to marry, how many kids I’d like to have, I even imagined my wedding and I wrote a list of all the things I’d like to do before I die. But now that the future is near, I’m getting second thoughts. What if I didn’t become successful in my dream job? What if I never got married? What if I got my degree but couldn’t find a job? What if I never went on a eurotrip, went skydiving, or even went paragliding? What if I grew up to be one of those people with routine lives and unrealised dreams? People who talk about doing things, who imagine, who dream but never accomplish them because they don’t have enough money or time or even guts. They say that we should never wonder what if and just go after what we want, but let’s be real, it’s not that easy. I want to live my life to the fullest, but life keeps getting in the way. I see myself 10 years from now, either as a married successful woman with the perfect job, 2 kids and who has traveled the world or as a single woman with no job and washed up hopes and dreams. Basically, I don’t even know what tomorrow brings, let alone who I’ll grow up to be 10 years from now.
People notice that I have dark thoughts, but never ask what made me become so bitter.
Friends would notice the changes in my body image, but never notice the sadness in my eyes.
So much emphasis is put on looks and beauty, when we are all made from broken stars pieced together to form a unique entity.
The first thing someone notices when they meet me is my height, weight or the way I’m dressed.
No one considers asking
“How did you sleep?”
“What’s your family like?”
“What are your deepest fears?”
It breaks my heart, over and over again, that supermodels are put on pedastals and intelligence is tossed to the side.
That I have 206 bones in my body and no one ever asks “how many times have you felt that you were broken, even when all your bones were intact?”
30Day challenge, day 01: talk about your single life
At some point in life, you get tired of trying and failing miserably, so you just give up. Right? Well I got tired of dating people, only to lose interest in a matter of weeks because I’m just that damn picky. All I want is a guy who sees everyone as an equal, someone who isn’t afraid to think differently than others, someone who likes books more than he likes video games, someone who prefers to spend the night watching movies than to spend it at some party getting drunk. Someone, anyone, who is still capable of being honest and respectable in this fucked up world we live in. Is that so hard to find? It seems to me that all people care about these days is their physical appearance, they would rather have packs than be cultured, educated and smart. It seems to me like people need to get their priorities straight. I tried and tried and tried to find that kind of guy, but I got tired of the disappointment that followed every acquaintance. I thought I could be happier on my own, you know, until the “right” guy comes along, but honestly, I’m sadder than I ever was. I want to fall in love so badly that the thought of not being in love depresses me, I’d see couples hugging, cuddling, joking around, doing nice things for each other… and it makes me realize that I’m missing a lot. I want that, I want to have someone who will always be there for me, I want to have someone to talk to endlessly about anything and everything, someone I’m comfortable with, someone who makes me laugh, who colors my life with joy, someone who makes it worth living, I want the love, the pain and the whole crazy thing, is that too much to ask for?
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