
Combination of hand sketch and computer.
Sleep alludes me, runs away,
leaves me stranded, night and day.
Sun is rising, blurred skies behind,
wasted body and rotting mind.
Sit and stare, at nothing grand,
last cigarette burns in my hand.
A new day is starting, but I am stuck,
in yesterday, but that’s my luck.
I never move. I sit, among the trees.
Until I am gone, on a sturdy breeze.
Anxious.
Breath catching.
Darting eyes freeze.
Getting harder inside jeans.
Kindling lust, my number one priority.
Quietly ravage sweaty thighs.
Unseen, voices whisper.
X-rated yoga.
Zipping.
I was walking around the other day and an absurd thought came to me. What is life, not the meaning of life, because I don’t think we are capable of understanding or comprehending that. I wasn’t even thinking about it in a spiritual way, but what is life when it really comes down too it. It seems like my entire day revolves around moving objects around. I wake up and move the coffee from the cabinet, into the machine, into the cup, into me, and not to be gross but then…. well you get wear I am going with that. It’s not just food though. I find myself cleaning and realizing all I do is move dust, dirt, dishes, clothes, trash, myself, my furniture, my files on my computer. Even right this moment, I am moving keystrokes into words, and those into sentences. Constructed this loosely fitting paragraph. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I can’t figure out a single activity or action that I perform that doesn’t involve movement, even sleeping, we still move, even in a coma we still move, our brains anyway, to a certain degree.
What’s funny is that it calmed me, and it made me less afraid of death. I don’t mean what comes after death, because I have no idea, I have my guesses, I have beliefs that seem beautiful and could possibly be true, but I won’t know until I die. That’s just how it goes, but I mean death itself. It used to scare the shit out of me, thinking that one day I would just stop. That no matter what I do I can’t stop it from happening, but all this thought of movement made me think. Dying is stopping, its the only time we are truly at rest, and I mean that in a beautiful way, not in a depressive and suicidal way. I love life and I know that every day is a gift, even the hard days. Even knowing that we can’t control the end or a lot of things that get thrown at us, but living is definitely a once in a lifetime experience. Even if you live multiple lifetimes, it’s going to be a different journey every time. So my long winded and horribly drawn out point is, that dying makes life more real. It makes it a tangible thing, I mean imagine reading a book that never ended, some people might say that would be amazing, but I disagree, its in out nature to end things. It makes everything so much better when you know that one day it will be gone.