Staying put for now

That last post seems so long ago, now. We aren't going anywhere for the next few weeks or months. And by then the economy may have imploded, so our question about retiring or staying in the Navy may be postponed for the foreseeable future - or at least a few months. So what answer did my husband give the detailer - just before Covid-19 stalled everything?  He left it open-ended: He wrote that he was thinking about retiring, but he would be willing to fill a command position if needed.  Now perhaps the exodus of top leaders from the military will be slowed, as the economy crashes and burns, so they may ask him to go ahead and retire.

I have been meaning to post something, anything, but I can't seem to focus when I sit down to type. I spend a lot of time reading stories about the virus and checking stats. Or shopping online for school supplies but not buying anything. I swing, as I suspect many people do, between hoping that this radical shut down of businesses, schools, events, and churches will make a difference, and worrying that the cure is worse than the disease: First, are all the losses: lost jobs, lost educational opportunities, lost sacraments and faith. All these students who were to graduate from college this year are now confronted with the possibility, if not likelihood, of joblessness, along with an inability to take tests like the GRE, the MCAT, LSAT, and PE so that they can move on with their futures. 

And then there are the dangers: what about those people who teeter on the edge of health - mental and physical - who aren't getting the care they need? Is anyone tracking an increase in domestic violence and child abuse? A rise in addictions?  

I am hopeful that the long term effects of this shutdown won't be as bad as I might imagine. I know I have a tendency to imagine the worst-case scenario - and I occasionally indulge in conspiracy theory ideas. (Which enemy government is trying to weaken America's economy and security?) I am trying not to read too much on the internet or to watch movies like Contagion or Flu, although the kids wanted to.  Maybe they would scare me into greater docility.

Don't get me wrong - we are following the rules for distancing ourselves. We have stopped having playdates, although until last Thursday, we did go to the park and walk with friends. I have let the girls go rollerblading with their friends. We live in a community where neighbors can talk to each other through their windows, and people can get outside and walk and sit on the beach six feet apart.  No one is playing on the playgrounds anymore, but kids are out biking, and families are playing ball in the green space across the street. There seems to be a natural rotation of people there - never too many at once.  People are leaving free boxes of board games in the little free libraries, of which there are many.  There are a lot of posts on Facebook from people wanting to help others.  I loaded up on books and movies at the library the previous Friday, when it was announced that the schools would close.  And now no late fees! I wish I had checked out more dumb novels. I can't concentrate on the books I got - The Lady and the Monk, by Pico Iyer, Backpacking with the Saints by Belden Lane, I can't even remember now what else.  I have been reading the Wall Street Journal practically cover to cover. And the 5-year-old and I have finished 20 Magic Tree House books over the past couple months.  We've watched the seventh season of the Father Brown series - edging into some contemporary issues but still engaging. How many murders can one small town in England have? 

What else have we done? Some yard work this weekend. The kids played Monopoly one day for a long time. The kindergartener has done a lot of art on her own and from watching drawing videos. I love the "Lunch Doodles with Mo Willems."  We went for a hike one day and only saw 4 other people - it was a rainy day. The oldest and I took a long bike ride. The boys built some benches for our church. Our church was still having adoration on Wednesday and Thursday this week, limited to 10 people at a time, but after Mass (on live-stream) on Sunday, the pastor read a letter from the Archbishop which made it sound like this may not continue. The saddest part is that the churches will not reopen for the Easter Liturgies.  But then the military bishop who lives at our rectory when he is in town made an announcement that suggested that priests would still follow in the footsteps of the martyrs in ministering to their congregation. There's a part of me that hopes our priest will be a renegade and keep the doors of the church open and take communion to the homebound.  I don't want him to get in trouble or spread disease, but surely, surely, this virus is not as insidious as the plagues of the past and the wars and persecutions that limited movement and yet did not prevent Mass and the sacraments from taking place.

I like having the kids home. They are getting along for the most part. I feel like I'm constantly telling the one to take a break from video games, but it is a social outlet for him, and for this week at least, they have no assigned school work, while the public school system tries to figure out how to reach students without internet access or a device at home (phones are not useful for distance learning). Our oldest is here - he had been on spring break in Arizona when schools shut down. The other two are with my parents in Indiana. My husband is still in the Middle East.  He thought he was going to have a hard Lent without access to sacraments and now we are all in the same boat. (We did all rush to confession the Saturday after schools closed - was that just last week?)  There have been a number of blessings that have come from the slower pace of life and the opportunity to pray together more intentionally and to reset our focus on what's important.  The kids are pitching in with chores and cooking, and I'm hoping to get the garage cleaned out before this is all over... 

I actually have not even come close to running out of food yet, after I went on a shopping spree last weekend and stocked up. I probably could last at least 2 more weeks with what we have - although we'd have to get into the shelf stable milk, of which I bought 4 quarts.  (Which makes me wonder when I hear about continuing shortages at the grocery - are people eating more or still stocking up? Who has room for all that food? How much will get thrown away? A package of 12 double or triple rolls of toilet paper lasts our family almost a month - How much toilet paper can people go through?) 

I wonder what will be the endpoint of this shutdown: When there are no new cases? When a vaccine is found? When temporary hospitals are built, staffed, and supplied so that the fear of the medical system being flooded is addressed? Why can our country produce so much junk and not be able to produce a simple test that would allow people to know whether they need to isolate themselves? 

My hope is that it doesn't last too long, that researchers and developers find that vaccine or cure, that the numbers of new cases start to fall instead of rise. I like to think that most people will benefit from the extra time with family and not be too stressed by it. I pray that this will be a time of retreat with the Lord, a time to draw closer to Him, and to grow in compassion for our neighbors. Our friends' kids are posting a joke a day in their window. It is a time of recovery for the environment, even if just a little, and lots of people were out in the sunshine this weekend, enjoying creation. People are gardening and painting and eating dinner together as a family. May the good far outweigh the losses. 

This was in the beginning of March - a friend's change of command and retirement ceremony. Little did we know it would be the last event we'd go to for awhile 

Lots of gold stripes at this event.

Jets on display as the sun sets on a Navy aviator's career.
A fun fact: This friend joined the Navy after being inspired by Top Gun, and during his last year of service, helped facilitate the filming of Top Gun 2 at this base. 

Should we stay or should we go: Civilian vs. military

We have some big decisions looming in our future.  Taking a cue from Flannery O'Connor (and Joan Didion, who said something similar), I'm sitting down to write out some of our choices to try to figure out what I think. 

The choice at hand is whether to request to retire from the military or to request a new duty station. We have to let the detailer know in just a few days. Then, depending on the answer to that question, we have the corollary question of where to go and what to do.  If we stay in the Navy, our options include Japan, (I think Yokosuka, but I'm actually not sure), Naples, Italy,  Port Hueneme, CA, (Same place we lived before San Diego, but different command), maybe (long shot request) stay in San Diego, or Washington, DC (not really interested in this option). All of these places would be command jobs that would be great career building opportunities for my husband overseeing Navy public works and construction projects in different regions, except the long shot possibility of staying in the same job here for one more year since we'll have a child who will be a senior in high school when the current tour is completed. (That would be that child's first choice.)

If my husband decides to retire from the Navy, we have another choice. He could seek another job in the private sector either working for a large institution like a university or hospital or for a city in their public works department or as a staff architect, or apply for a job working for a construction/design/build firm.  In addition to the public works sector or in the building/construction industry, he could potentially look for something related to those fields or work for a company that does defense contracts. He has a lot of options; I'm not really worried about him getting a job, unless this coronavirus epidemic/pandemic really disrupts the economy longterm (this development might put a new twist on our choices if the crashing economy causes a hiring slowdown).

Additionally, we have to decide where to look for jobs.  We'd like to live within a day's drive of our families, but that is a pretty large area - especially now that our own children are starting to fan out on their own.  One child has a job lined up in Arizona.  One child is likely staying in California for college; child 6 also loves California and doesn't want to leave.  I've always daydreamed about living in a rural area, but my husband does not want to be a farmer, and he still needs to work for another 20-25 years, so I envision we'd look for a college town area - small but near all the conveniences, somewhere where we could live and work and go to a good church and good schools without spending too much time, if any, in the car.  That's actually possible here, but finding a walkable city limits our choices quite a bit. (Or requires that we find a job that pays enough to allow us to buy a multi-million dollar home, like the ones here. In fact, we'd need several million here, as $1-2 million would only get us 1 or 2 bedrooms or a tear-down.)  I don't want to live in a major metropolitan area like LA, DC, NYC, etc., but it would be nice to live near an airport where we could easily travel to see family/go to job sites (in the case of a construction firm).

So how to decide? For years - decades! - I have had in the back of my mind the idea that our Navy service is temporary duty, that it would come to an end sometime around this point in life, and we would begin our "real lives." My mom will laugh at that echo of my words to her and my dad when they dropped me off at college.  Have I lived a practice life all my life? Maybe - all life is practice for Heaven, right? I've always choked up at that "Temporary Home" song by Carrie Underwood. I haven't held back from jumping in to activities and friendships and adventures and have perhaps become more outgoing because I knew these jobs were just for a couple of years - or now five years in San Diego.  But now the option to make choices for a future that is 5 or 10 years long, or more, is open, and every day, a different consideration suggests itself. 

First, the reasons we might choose to ask for another command tour:  When else in our lives will we have the opportunity to live abroad?  We loved our two years in Guam. Our family bonds were strengthened, and we learned how much we didn't know about the other side of the globe.  Those two years were transformative in major and subtle ways.  But our children who are still at home will be 15, 17 and 7. The seven year old is a great age for exploring Europe or the Far East. But the 15 and 17 year old are unhappy about making such a major shift in high school. I keep trying to convince them that they would be stronger for it, that being a global citizen for a couple of years would be an experience they will value forever.  The kids have always dreaded moving, but then they have discovered friends and things to like about their new location. I like to think they are stronger for their experiences of transition, that they are less afraid of change and challenges. But would they rebel and crumple instead?

I know I romanticize life abroad. My attraction to the possibility is partly based on the stories of travel and site-seeing that our friends who are abroad now are sharing.  I like travel. I like walking around new places. I like the idea of our kids being resilient global citizens. I was thinking about it again last week as I sat listening to Pico Iyer talk about living in Japan. Iyer was inspired by Thoreau to live simply and write about travel and experiencing exotic places that present new insights and connections to the human community.   It made me want to live abroad. Other friends have talked highly of their time in Japan and Italy because the schools provide some unique opportunities for the kids, and the friendships forged there are especially strong. 

On the other hand, reading Wendell Berry and Thoreau, visiting my parents, and realizing our kids are moving out and on made me think maybe we need to put down roots so that they will come and visit us.  Retire?

Conversely, reading Elephant and Piggie in Someone is Reading Us say "I have more to give!!!" echoes in my mind. I received a long text from a Navy friend thanking me for a book and game I sent because she is spending 30 days in the hospital waiting for a bone marrow transplant and updating me on her status (hanging in there). I am so grateful for these friendships we've made in different places. I wonder if we should stay in the Navy and create more wonderful connections like those we have made so far.  Our children are moving on - so maybe we don't need roots? Stay Navy?

BUT we do still have a 5 - almost 6! - year old. I have always thought that I wanted to put down roots somewhere where the kids could run around outside and play in a woods and garden - maybe this last child will get that childhood? But she has no siblings to run and play with. Maybe we settle down and do foster care, an idea that is always echoing in the back of my mind because I admire the people who do it? And our parents are aging. They are all still healthy now, but the next two years could bring changes in their health. Retire?

BUT I also like the idea of being able to try new things, new ministries, new teaching opportunities, new hobbies, and of being able to leave behind obligations and drama when it's time to move - Stay Navy?

BUT I get frustrated with being a temporary contract worker, being an adjunct with no job stability. (My Nature Writing class didn't fill this quad, so I don't have a class for the next 8 weeks.) I think about potentially finishing my PhD at some point because I like reading and studying and discussing these ideas.  I would like to have more time to write papers and go to conferences, maybe, instead of figuring out which dentist to visit or where to get my hair cut.  I also like planting things and watching them grow.  Retire?

But maybe I like the freedom of not having to work, of being free to spend time with our family, doing things I like to do.  Am I motivated more by pride to work or because I like what I'm doing? Because my pay is almost inconsequential. Stay Navy and relieve the sense of needing to work?

AND there is the school/church piece - where will our faith grow stronger? Where will we be supported in raising our kids Catholic? Where will they be inspired to love God, their neighbor, and the world? To love life here on earth but to yearn for life in Heaven? I've felt frustrated here that our younger kids think we are "weird" for having a big family, for going to church on days that aren't Sunday, for making them go to events - which lately I haven't done a very good job of, because I get worn down by their complaints.  This problem is one that may exist everywhere.

So I'm still stuck. I met with our priest to get some advice about discernment, and he gave me some suggestions for charting consolations and desolations.  They are about equal each time I pretend we have made a decision for a day.  And it is only partially my input that goes into this decision. My husband happens to be on a mini-deployment for all of Lent on the other side of the globe, so we can't sit around and talk about it like we need to. He is wearied by the distances caused by this particular job - but if he went back to the facilities command job, he would not have to travel much - and he would likely have to travel some for a civilian job. So travel is kind of an equalizer as well...

At the most basic level, I know we will be fine whatever we decide to do - our choices are between good things.  And I know it all has a way of working out over time. For the last 24 years I have been daydreaming about getting out of the Navy, but now that the time has come, I am not so sure I'm ready to go!  Two years no longer seems a long time. The human heart has ways the mind cannot understand... I came here kicking and screaming, and now I will be dragging my heels as we leave - as has been the case at pretty much every duty station.  So I trust we'll find our niche wherever we end up.  It's just so hard to decide!

March comes in like a lion

One of my memories from early education was turning a paper plate into a lion face on one side and a lamb on the other to represent the saying "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." This quote doesn't have any real relevance to the weather in Southern California - it comes in a little below 70 and sunny, and likely will go out the same, maybe a little over 70 and sunny. 

However, this March has brought a storm of activity and bleak news.  It all feels a little apocalyptic: deadly tornadoes in Tennessee, coronavirus encroachment, disconcerting news from family and friends, big decisions on the horizon.  The start of Lent has offered a lot of food for thought about living a life of faith.  And my husband is in the middle east in the desert for the duration of the season - his Lenten practices are a little easier to follow, except he will have no access to sacraments. 

For the most part, there is enough activity around here that I don't have time to sit and contemplate very much. But I admit I did go to the commissary and buy toilet paper and disinfecting wipes, which I genuinely needed, but I also went ahead and bought bleach and vinegar and refills of hand soap and powdered gatorade and vitamins, along with my regular full cart of groceries. I felt a little foolish in the check-out line - some of the checkers know me and know that we have a larger than average family, so we actually eat all this food, but I'm sure other shoppers, if they didn't already have bleach and bottled water in their carts, were wondering if I wasn't going a little overboard.  I have been thinking about our years in Mississippi and Guam when we kept a hurricane box ready to go, and never needed, and our Mormon friends who always keep bins in their garages with food and batteries, etc, for times of emergency.  It doesn't hurt to be prepared for something, does it? I keep wondering what is not being said, when these warnings are issued from newspaper and pulpit. 

Enough conspiracy theorizing, what I really need to be doing is finished quarter-term grades and taxes and setting up online course shells. So here are some photos from last week. I was going to write about Pico Iyer's and Alice Walker's talks - they were fabulous - but I don't have time. I took copious notes and am reading more of  their books when I can find a moment. They are very different writers and speakers, but equally interesting. 

A hummingbird nesting in our ficus tree. I found her when I was trimming the tree back a little - discontinued that job immediately- glad to have an excuse!

Pico Iyer interviewed by Dean Nelson as part of the Writer's Symposium by the Sea at Point Loma Nazarene University

Alice Walker

interviewed by Dean Nelson as part of the Writer's Symposium by the Sea at Point Loma Nazarene University

The house was packed for both writers.

Planting a tree for Arbor Day, celebrated a bit early around here.