The breakdown of relationships

John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister write in part in The Atlantic,

Our thoughts and feelings are skewed by what researchers call the negativity effect, which is our tendency to respond more strongly to negative events and emotions than to positive ones. When we hear a mix of compliments and criticism, we obsess over the criticism instead of enjoying the praise. This imbalance, also known as the negativity bias, evolved in the brain because it kept our ancestors alert to deadly threats, but too often it warps our perspective and behavior. A slight conflict can have ruinous consequences when the power of bad overwhelms your judgment, provoking you to actions that further alienate your partner.

...Our thoughts and feelings are skewed by what researchers call the negativity effect, which is our tendency to respond more strongly to negative events and emotions than to positive ones. When we hear a mix of compliments and criticism, we obsess over the criticism instead of enjoying the praise. This imbalance, also known as the negativity bias, evolved in the brain because it kept our ancestors alert to deadly threats, but too often it warps our perspective and behavior. A slight conflict can have ruinous consequences when the power of bad overwhelms your judgment, provoking you to actions that further alienate your partner.

...When you quietly hang in there for your partner, your loyalty often isn’t even noticed. But when you silently withdraw from your partner or issue angry threats, you can start a disastrous spiral of retaliation.

...You are probably in no mood to participate in a scientific study, but some other newlyweds were persuaded to do so for a long‑term project called PAIR. (The full, unromantic name is Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships.) These couples, in central Pennsylvania, were interviewed during their first two years of marriage by psychologists who cataloged both the positive and negative aspects of the relationships.

Some of the people were already ambivalent or hostile toward their partners—and tended to get divorced quickly—but most couples showed lots of mutual affection and went on to celebrate several anniversaries. Over the long haul, though, those tender early feelings were not a reliable harbinger. More than a decade later, a disproportionate number of the couples who had been “almost giddily affectionate” were no longer together. As a group, those who divorced had been a third more affectionate during the early years than the ones who went on to have long, happy marriages. Over the short term, their passion had enabled them to surmount their misgivings and their fights, but those positive feelings couldn’t keep the marriage going forever. It was how they dealt with the negative stuff—their doubts, their frustrations, their problems—that predicted whether the marriage would survive. Negativity hits young people especially hard, which is one reason that people who marry earlier in life are more likely to divorce than ones who delay marriage. (Another reason is that younger people tend to have less money, which means more stress.)

...In heterosexual couples, the most common conflict pattern is called “female‑demand, male‑withdrawal,” a destructive cycle in which the woman initiates a complaint or criticism and the man responds by withdrawing. That pattern is less likely in same‑sex couples. If it’s two men, they’re less likely to initiate a complaint; if it’s two women, they’re less likely to withdraw after being criticized.

...what’s crucial is avoiding the negative. Being able to hold your tongue rather than say something nasty or spiteful will do much more for your relationship than a good word or deed.

Read more here.

Do you think women are more sensitive and "empathetic" in relationships?

Helen Smith asks at PJ Media,

Why is it we always hear about how sensitive and "empathetic" women are when it comes to relationships? It seems that women's ability to understand what men's emotions are is fair at best and often poor.

Read more here.

Relationship wisdom (tongue in cheek)

Relationship going nowhere?

Hannah Rose writes about nine reasons why your relationship is going nowhere.

1. Involuntarily cheating...Cheating does not have to be a physical encounter with another individual; it can be a betrayal of thought and consideration. Where you place your thoughts you place your time. Time spent thinking about other people and other things are a small act of unfaithfulness. If you want to find a rekindled interest in your partner, take the time to think and focus on them.

2. Spending too much time together

Too much of a good thing can sometimes be a bad thing. It is great to want to be together all of the time, but it is also equally important the two of you can be happy alone. Taking the time to catch up with old friends, visit family or simply reading a book alone will help you when you come back together. It will provide a fresh new conversation.

3. Not being honest with each other

There are many subtle forms of dishonesty that can leak into your relationship. Whether it begins as withholding details of a certain story, bluffing, or saying a small white lie to make you look a little better, these are forms of dishonesty.

Whatever form of dishonesty either of you participate in, the sheer lack of complete honesty creates an untrusting and lackluster connection between the two of you.

4. Lack of intimacy Feel like your relationship is lacking a little in the love department? Small excuses like being too busy, too tired, not in the mood or having better things to do are detrimental to the development of your relationship. If you are looking to liven this connection up again make it a priority and take the time to be there for your significant other.

5. Too scared to talk

If things are not working or you cannot see where your relationship is going, you need to talk to your partner. Communication is key- odds are your partner is feeling the same way you are. Talking about the things that are not working in your relationship may be the catalyst the two of you need to work and find solutions to make your relationship stronger and healthier together.

6. Not a huge priority
To help your relationship from falling into the same old boring routine that has no rank or priority, try taking the time to plan an outrageous date. A date that requires time to plan, prepare and execute. The time spent on this date will provide an opportunity for you to prioritize and invest in your relationship once again.

7. Stopped trying
If you both are interested in restoring your love and faith with one another, then you both need to continue serving and caring for each other's needs. Write a love letter, take them to get ice cream or simply text them a sweet message. Do not stop trying because you are in an exclusive relationship.

8. You don't know what's next.
Where are you two going next? If you do not know, then you have already dulled the excitement for what's to come for the two of you. To keep your relationship alive and running, plan some exciting things for the future. Whether your plans include a walk in the local park, a trip to the movie theater, a trip to the nearest state park or a road trip to the coast, get out and get moving. The excitement of new things will help liven the relationship.

9. You can go days without talking

The fact that daily communication is not a priority is a red flag and sign your relationship is heading nowhere. Needing to talk, inform and converse with your partner is an essential part of a successful relationship. Time spent strengthening and building a stable and firm connection between the two of you is vital and worth every ounce of investment.

Read more here

Feeling connected?

Dr. Kim Kimberling writes at A Holy Experience today about communication in marriage.

If you’ve had any exposure whatsoever to marriage resources, you know what experts say is essential over and over again: communication.

Of the couples I see in counseling, the ones who really communicate well and set aside time to do so seem to consistently also have good marriages.

But in all this hype about communication, here’s what is often missed:

Communication does not simply mean the talking kind. It means connection in a special way.

Most couples communicate pretty well before marriage. I have seen surveys that usually put that number at around three hours a day.

On the other hand there are surveys that say those same couples a few years into marriage will spend an average of five minutes a day communicating.

What happens?

The reasons may vary from couple to couple, but the bottom line is that we quit making it a priority. We lose sight of God’s design.

How connected are you today with your spouse?

Are you more connected than ever, or are you becoming strangers? Think about a typical day and the things that you do. How do you spend your time? How much time do you set aside to connect with your spouse?

I can sit in the same room or on the same couch with Nancy and not be connected. Just being in each other’s presence does not connect us.

Sure, it helps. The opportunity is there, but to connect, someone has to initiate.

That initiation may be a conversation, or it could be a hug or a kiss.

Connection happens when one initiates and the other one responds.

Someone told me years ago that the first five minutes a couple is together in the evening sets the tone for the night.

God designed us for relationships — a relationship with Him and a relationship with others.

When we connect in marriage with our spouse, we are fulfilling God’s design for our lives; and it makes a difference.

Tell each other when you feel the most connected.

Share how connected you feel in your marriage today.

Is this where you want to be? If it is, great. Keep on doing what you are doing.

If not, what will you do today to connect?

Read more here.

An unrushed yes

Lisa TerKeurst writes about an unrushed yes:

An unrushed yes means I’ve said no to enough other things so I can say yes to the spontaneous moments of relationship.

The beautifully messy band of people I call my own needs time together. We need unscheduled moments to connect and process—pauses in our day where we have space to let the organic process of relationships happen.

But the more I choose to pause and talk and really connect, the more my soul gets filled back up.

Relationships nourish us in ways nothing else can. It’s relationships that help unrush us. It’s relationships that matter most.

Read more here on how to do it.

Get a life - by giving away the one you have!

Has Ann Voskamp lost it? She recommends that we

Get a life — by giving away the one you have.

Get a life in which you give. God said, “Let us make man in our image” — you were not made to be one — you were made in the image of God who is Three in One. You were made in His image, you were made to be in community — you were made to be in giving relationship.

Relationship is the only real reality.

Get a life by giving yours away. Don’t let a week go by until you make one new friend just by saying Hi. Pull over and pick roadside daisies and give them to the lady running the drive-through and look up at a full moon hanging pearly white in a black sky and the kingdom heaven is like that — go sell everything, leave everything, change everything, just to get that pearl of great price.

Seek out people to love and let them love you and you love them.

And it’s the art of loving that will be the one great work of your life.

So get a life by living generous, get a life by taking nothing for granted but by taking everything as gift.

Give someone the gift of listening… linger and look into their eyes and really listen and this is free and nobody can buy it and what is better than paying attention to someone with all of you fully present?

Please read more here.

What matters most in life?

What matters most in life? V.J. Smith writes in his book "the Richest Man in town," that it is relationships. The book is about a WalMart cashier in Brookings, South Dakota named Marty. Marty told Smith, "The way I've got it figured, is that in life you get what you give." Marty was convinced that "even grumpy will smile if you shake their hand."

Another thing Marty believed in was, "I just think that if you want to be a friend, sometimes you need to do a little more." Marty treated everyone with the same respect, regardless of how they looked, or what they were purchasing, making no value judgments that one person was better than another.

That's a hard one for me. I find myself being very judgmental of certain people. Drunks turn me off, especially when they get in their cars and drive drunk. Mean people who build themselves up by tearing down others turn me off. Marty would look for and find the good in those people.

Marty told Smith one day, "People need to decide to be happy." Smith thought that was a strange idea and asked Marty what he meant. Marty told him, "All my life I've watched people waiting for someone else to make them happy. The way I've got it figured, the only one who can make you happy is you."

In the final analysis, though, it was not what Marty said, it was what he did. He had about two minutes on average with each customer. It was what he did in those brief moments that defined him as a human being who made a huge impact on many people.

V.J. Smith's book is available at Amazon here.

Slow down!

Do you wish you had more time for relationships? Tsh Oxenreider writes here,

There is a direct correlation between being too busy and being about others—the more crammed our schedules, the less time we have to give others.

When we only allow nooks and crannies in our days for rest, time alone, and self-care, then we are left threadbare to love others when they most need it. When our calendars are scribbled out in the margins because they are too full, we have no way to empty ourselves out in sacrifice.

If we want to put others first, like Jesus? Then we must. slow. down. It’s the only way we as a Body can survive, thrive, be who we are meant to be in this rapid, rapid world.