Don't Be That Atheist.

Do you have that one friend? The one who, no matter what you say, absolutely has to correct you based on his or her belief? I think you know the type. The BAD ATHEIST?

Although I count as an atheistic Jew myself, I regularly make reference to God. Whether it is repeated OMG! OMG! OMG! (like when Conan O'Brien said my name), or comically shaking my fists at the sky in frustration, though I choose not to worship any god that may or may not exist, I am fine with colloquial references, because, Jesus Christ, I live in America and God is all up in this bitch.

I do not count as the Bad Atheist, though, because while I may be thinking, "Yeah, Jesus is totally not going to make you pass your physics tests that you prayed about instead of studying for," I am not going to say it out loud to you because, I don't give a shit what other people believe as long as they aren't jerks. I also don't really care if you pass that test... especially if you didn't bother to study.

To me, mentioning God is akin to talking about how awesome unicorns are, and drawing everything as zombies. Yes, I friggen know they are most likely just a figment of our imaginations, but tons of people dig them, so their existence in reality is not an issue to me.

The Bad Atheist, however, is that jerk who compulsively has to pipe in:

Hanukkah 2013: 8th Night- Doctor Whonukkah- The Last

On the 8th night of Hanukkah your Cheeseblarg gives to you:

A weeping angel to creep you out.

Needle felted by me... inquire by email if you want one of your own for $75 plus shipping.

The episode "Blink" from Doctor Who is one of the greatest episodes of the series, very much so because you don't have to know much about the Whoniverse to watch the episode; it really stands alone. If you've not seen it, I highly recommend it. You can watch it on Netflix by going to Season Three- Episode 11 of the new Doctor Who series.* Again, it doesn't need much explanation, other than it helps to know that the series is about a man named The Doctor and in this season, he is played by David Tennant, so you know him when you see him.

It is almost guaranteed to make you a Whovian, so prepare yourself for great amounts of joy to come!

With that, Happy Hanukkah, and Merry Eventual Christmas! I hope your enjoyed your presents. Cheeseblarg loves you, yadda.

And since I'm not hiding things from you anymore, finally, the whole tree!

Don't forget to comment! I'll announce the winner of the Dino Ball in two days!

*There are also skeevy places to watch it on the internet in its entirety, if you're into being a criminal and whatnot.

Cheeseblarg 1400 Subscribers Pizza Party!

Sometime earlier this year, I promised on Twitter that there would be a Cheeseblarg Pizza Party to celebrate when we got to 1400 subscribers and yesterday, thanks to me becoming part of  Oh Noa's "League of Funny Bitches," we exceeded that amount... so, YAY! Pizza party!

Unfortunately, I can't eat tomato sauce any more, or pizza dough, so, CREATIVITY!

I started with frozen biscuit that I thawed and rolled out to work as crusts... looked through my fridge and realized I also had no mozzarella. EVEN MORE CREATIVITY!

So I made a Llama Ham and Swiss (with honey mustard as sauce), a Mushroom Llama with Carrot Alfredo sauce, and a Bacon Mushroom Narwhal (also with carrot alfredo sauce, which is a great addition to alfredo sauce when trying to get more veggies into your belly).

What I end up with was the following:

Good, hammy, thumbs up.

Uh, that llama looks a little ill...

Total Narwhal Annihilation.

I'm telling you, narwhals always have to be complete assholes. 

I'm eating his face first.

Zombies in Miami? It's more likely than you think!

I'm sad to inform you all that the zombie apocalypse started today in Miami, Florida, my hometown. While totally naked, Zombie Joe, the apocalypse's answer to Typhoid Mary,  attacked and ate the face of another man, who is in critical condition at a Miami hospital. Police had to shoot the nude Zombie Joe half a dozen times to finally kill him as he continued to eat the victim.

I have to say, I feel fairly safe here in Montana, because if the trend is going to be naked zombies, they are going to freeze in the snow that we had last night or at least be slowed enough that head shots will be simpler.

Nevertheless, the time is now, dear readers, to ready your plans. It is clear that Joe's victim will have been infected and is going to start with the chompy-chompy sometime soon.

Will you stock up supplies?

Will you fortify your homes?

Or will you join me under the bathroom sink where we will be very very still and very very quiet?

Also, I am very sorry to the victim and the families of the people in this news article, I am very insensitive, but seriously, you have to be a little aware that if your injured loved one tries to bite you, he's totally a zombie and you should kill him, immediately.

It's a Zombie Valentine

Buy this card on Zazzle

Hanukkah 2011- 8th Night- From Us to You!

It's the last night of Hanukkah. Despite what calendars say, it is over now. Tomorrow is the last day, but Jews don't acknowledge days. We are like the vampires of the holiday world.
It has been a wild ride. You got some crappy gifts, I did too, but it was fun. Wasn't it? Okay, it wasn't terribly painful? Maybe a little? But the fun kind? Damn it, people!

Whatever, here is your stupid jerk gift.

(unwrap it... with the link below... or scroll... wow, this has been tedious telling people how to access a webpage...)

These Boots Were Made for Walking... Dead

Look, "The Walking Dead," I like you, or at least I want to like you, but fer real... I am going to have to start rooting for the zombies soon if you don't stop with making the humans complete freaking idiots.

I mean, yes, they are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, they are a little stressed, I get that, but I cannot continue to spend the rest of the series yelling "OMG STFU you IDIOT!!!!" at my television.  Zombies=STFU. They just do. When things want to eat your flesh and/or brains, that is not the time for obnoxious whimpering or squealing or crying. It is time for absolute stillness and silence.

You're going to need to cover blood pressure pills for me if this continues.

American Cooking Horror Story

I just got back from three weeks of being away from a TV, which of course means hours of watching TV to catch up on things I missed.

Most of it was cooking shows.  I have a bit of an obsession with them.  Anything that has to do with cooking and reality, I'm there.  I may not continue watching all of them, but I pretty much want to see each new show, at least once.  I just like learning new cooking techniques, and watching people being abused (when they submit themselves to it out of greed or desire for fame... I do not condone other abuse, just so you know).

I must say, though it is old news, I was really disappointed with "Extreme Chef" on Food Network.  I thought the title had such potential, but then when no one was shot/stab and forced to make 5 star meals to get medical treatment, I totally lost interest.



But it wasn't all trashy cooking shows.  After hearing so much about it, I had to check out the pilot episode of FX's "American Horror Story."

If you've not watched it, here is a teaser video:

 And here is an artist's rendition of me watching this show:

And of course, I cannot wait for the second season of "The Walking Dead" premiering on Sunday. Big surprise there?


And thank you to those who are sharing my link and making pledges to my Cheeseblarg Takes Manhattan project.  Even a dollar helps.  Every time you pledge or share (or contact said Late Night show telling them how awesome I am) you are helping me fulfill a life long dream... and again, there are rewards for helping!

Grammar Guide: That vs. Which

I'm back with more helpfulness, this time in the form of a grammar lesson.  I have been helping a friend edit content lately and it seems many people think that the word THAT is freely interchangeable with the word WHICH, which it surely is not. Of course, I am not a grammar expert, so don't give me shit on my grammar, thanks, but this visual might help someone (when writing NOT a humor blarg) where their grammar and diction need to be spot on.

Note that clauses that contain "which" are almost always set of by commas, whereas clauses that contain "that" are not.

For more technical information on why this is so, see this great explanation by Grammar Girl

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's my birthday.

*deposit gifts and adoration below*

*go*

*now*

*<3*

I've decided that what I want most for my birthday is to make my math lessons into actual live action video shorts to be used in schools, or at least featured on some sort of visible media for consumption by algebra students. Anybody who has any leads on how to make this happen, sock it to me! Especially talent agents or people with access to money that they can transferred to me once my ideas are used!

October Sticker Spooktacular!

Two LIMITED EDITION stickers this month, because Halloween is my favorite (other than my birthday, which is TOMORROW)!

Handmade, sent by standard post, 31 of each is available until Oct. 31st, at which point they will be gone, gone, gonesky.

RSS viewers, stickers and art are available for purchase on the actual blarg page.

No longer for sale, sorry!

No longer for sale, sorry!

Each sticker is approximately 4"x3".  Hand cut.  Please remember to choose a payment option before clicking "buy me!"- International buyers, please choose international shipping for the first sticker and US pricing for any additional stickers.


And special extra items, again, because Halloween is REALLY my favorite:

$15.50

Dracullama- Original Hand Drawn and Painted, ACEO in protective plastic sleeve. 3.5" x 2.5"

$12.50

SOLD

Candy Corn Trick or Treat- Original Hand Drawn and Painted, ACEO in protective plastic sleeve. 3.5" x 2.5"

$14.50

Zed- Original hand drawn and inked, ACEO in protective plastic sleeve. 3.5" x 2.5"

$9.50

Pumpkin Pie on Maple Leaves- Original hand drawn and painted, ACEO in protective plastic sleeve. 3.5" x 2.5"

What is an ACEO?
ACEO stands for "Art Card- Editions and Originals."  All of the ACEOs I am offering here are originals and there is only one of each.  They are the size of a standard trading card.  Are made of cold pressed 150# watercolor paper and are each hand made by me and are stored in a protective acid free plastic pouch to keep them safe.  They will be sent in a standard envelope by first class post which is included in the price.

Mr. Pink is Blue.

Dear Steve Buscemi,

I love you, a lot. Please be mine. Here, I have painted you in a somber blue hue to express my sadness that you don't yet know that I exist and that you love me.  If you wanted, I could paint you in all sorts of other attractive colors.  I could even paint you as a zombie and/or a llama. I'll be here waiting...you know where to find me.

PS. My husband may or may not be fine with our pending love affair, but don't let that give you pause.

Brilliant Idea #2 - Night Light Channel

I have another brilliant idea.

As I have discussed previously, reading makes me tired.  And as I have also discussed previously, I sometimes suffer from insomnia.  So when watching a movie while insomniacked doesn't produce the desired result of putting me to sleep, I turn to reading an actual book.
The problem is, my husband DOESN'T suffer from insomnia, and while I can get away with watching TV while he is asleep, I cannot turn on a light to read as that has the effect of waking him up and making him look at me meanly which makes me sad, which makes me less likely to get to sleep.

As it is, I often end up reading by the combined light of my laptop screen and the ambient light of the television on mute, but I am regularly thwarted by darkening scenes and rapidly flickering light levels (For the record, Saturday Night Fever, terrible to read by, as is any horror movie, ever.  Cooking shows seem best as they don't have much reason to dim the lights). But here is wherein my idea blossoms.

I think that there should be a cable channel called "The Night Light Channel" and it should just be steady bright white light.  It could support itself by having ads for books or magazines on the bottom, but they would need meet a standard that would not change the luminance much.

And of course, it does not only have to be used as a reading light, but it could be used to look for your bra while trying to quietly escape a stranger's house after a one night stand, or to light a child's room so that they can be sure there are no zombies sneaking up on them, or to check your alarm clock when you wake up at 4 am and can't be sure if you set it to 7 am or 7 pm.

Perhaps this is something that Amazon.com should look into, to go along with their Kindle, since it isn't backlit.  That way, people can use their  awesome product with ease while giving them an extra place to advertise their OTHER products.

BOOYAH!  Why have I not been hired as a supreme idea-haver extraordinaire yet?

(Because you give away all your ideas on your blarg, my husband says...)

Non-Famous Twitter Illustrations #3- Toenail Clipper Stealing Zombies

Today's word is "Toenail" in honor of my friend Jeri who keeps tweeting about her big toenails coming off from running the Fargo Marathon... and it is grossing me out and apparently stuck in my mind when I had to choose a random word for this post. And now you guys get to be grossed out too. Sorry... misery loves company.
Oh yeah, also, there are far too many people out there talking about detaching toenails on twitter, for the record. See how I suffer for my art.  I need an adult. D=

heeezye 

the zombies came and stole my [effing] toenail clippers. #pissed

Fight or Flight? I choose hiding.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse or an alien attack, I would most likely be toast.  I have a strong survival instinct, that is not a problem, in fact, I think my survival instinct is a little too strong thanks to my neurosis. Instead of gallivanting across fields and shooting zombies in the head when the zeds attack, or coming up with clever ways of infecting aliens with UTIs, I think I would be most inclined to be curled up in a little ball trying not to move or make any sound at all, so as to not attract the attention of anything that might want to eat my brain and/or lay eggs in me to propagate their species. Yes, fortifying and staying put sounds like the best plan for me. And I would need a bathroom nearby at all times.

Monster Math- Zombies and Negative Numbers

It’s been a while, but Monster Math is back and it's coming to get you, Martha!  Today, we will be battling the number apocalypse with :

NEGATIVE NUMBERS - Zombies and Survivors

First of all we have two teams, positive numbers, which are represented by living humans, or survivors, and negative numbers, which are then, obviously, the undead, zeds, zombies.

positive numbers                      negative numbers

ADDITION

Let’s start with an addition word problem. Addition with negative numbers is just comparing, canceling, and letting the bodies fall as they will.

We have seven humans, hiding out in a rickety old warehouse, with a surprisingly large arsenal of shotguns and buckshot.  Five ambling undead come stumbling out of the local cemetery that has been rained upon by an unknown chemical that reanimates corpses, most likely created by the government as a chemical warfare agent. Who will survive the inevitable fight?

This would be represented as 7+ -5.

Now, our humans are not trained in combat at all, and whether they are or not, to fit the plot of the math problem, we know that they are incredibly bad at fighting zombies and anyone who kills a zombie ends up getting bitten and must die.  As in real life, if there is a zombie attack, it is best to hide and stay out of it, but alas, these are brave, if not foolhardy,  little positive humans and so, they are jumping right into this fight.