Feeling Blue

I've been a little worried about some stuff around our house, and without going into details, it has me feeling down. I'm beginning to worry about what I should have done differently.

Maybe I should have been one of those 'churchy' moms - and not me. Not a mom who listens to Kiss occasionally, who turns up the car stereo as loud as it will go when a rocking song comes on. Not one who makes fun of the Disney channel. Not one who let her kids watch rated PG-13 movies, even if they did want to see Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings. Not one who sleeps in every morning and lets her kids get off to school on their own. Not one who can take an hour to soak in the tub and wanders around the house, neglected chores and children, for the sake of a good, or even mediocre, book. Certainly not a mom who has no idea at all of how to keep a house clean.

Maybe I should have been the mom who knows all about that 'churchy' music, the one who listens to Kirby Heywood and well, whoever else there is. I don't even have a clue! One who watched all that Hannah Montana stuff and The RM. Maybe I should have been the one getting up at 5 am for a run and then coming back for scripture study before making breakfast for my kids every day. One who cleans the bathtub regularly, and mops the floor and all like that. Maybe I should have made them attend every single church function, whether they wanted to or not. And have family council, although I'm still not sure what for. And had them memorize scriptures and bear their testimonies in family home evening and do service projects.

I know it's too late for some of this. I can hardly start now! I still don't know how to keep a house clean, and my kids would all laugh at me and think I was kidding if I took them to see Hannah Montana. They would howl in protest if I started playing 'churchy' music. There's no way I can get them to go to all their church meetings. Having them there on Sunday is hard enough as it is. And if I quit reading all the time, they would suspect I had been brainwashed.

I'm not really asking for support from my friends. I have great friends, and I'm sure you'll be very sweet. I mentioned something about this to my kids, and naturally they weren't going to tell me that I should have been stricter all along.

I'm just wondering if I have wasted all my time. Did anything that I did do matter? Did I matter? Did I get anything right at all?

Motherhood is a little like launching a rocket, I think. You plan and prepare, and then you send it into space. And once it's gone, it's too late. You can't go back and add more fuel or fix a defect you should have spotted earlier. And I'm getting to the point when my kids are truly launched. I have no idea where they will end up. I know where I wanted them to go, but I am not feeling very confident that I did everything I could to get them there.