I was taking extra care of this fragile heart of mine

I didn’t give it anymore unless I see the sign

I had learned to guard it with my skeptic brain

to keep it from someone who would cause me pain

Thus I can’t explain how you easily steal my heart

you’ve been under arrest for tearing it apart

yet I just absolve you from this mysterious crime

you still have my heart though you hurt me many times

my mind keeps telling me that loving you is wrong

and that I will place my heart to whom it should belong

I have walked away because I know that I need to

but for some reasons the road leads me back to you

I have been begging for His mercy from above

it’s very difficult to be imprisoned in your love

I pray that one day we can freely love each other

my heart is with you and that will be forever…

You have touched my heart the moment I knew you

you’re a chosen gift from heaven, someone I can turn to

you remain steadfast in your faith in every obstacle

believing that in God, nothing is impossible

I thank you for listening everytime I pray

you lovingly intercede for blessings to come my way

you’re a powerful helper who’s there when I call

you’re a guiding star everytime I fall

human as I am, I have share of weakness

I stumble through the dark feeling sad and hopeless

I have been unfaithful, my spirit has ran dry

things don’t seem to work no matter how I try

you are filled with virtues that I must emulate

but whenever I get hurt, I would choose to hate

you’re pierced with Jesus thorn yet you gladly bear the pain

with all the test I had I easily complain

Now I humbly pray to help me mend my heart

I have to strengthen my faith when things would fall apart

I’m asking God forgiveness for all the sins I’ve done

please help me wear holiness, it’s something I have none

I thought that my prayers are left unrecognized

but I am so much blessed I just don’t realize

I will no longer search farther for a miracle to see

I will make it happen, as it is just within me

I can still recall those days of futility. I stayed home for several years, no job, no career, no use and no diversion. Yes, I was once a professional bum! I wasn’t that lazy, I always have a caring heart but even a small opportunity closed its door no matter how hard I tried. I wasn’t able to go to college right after high school due to an extreme financial problem. I couldn’t count how many resumes and application letters I submitted to different business establishment. But all of them seemed to just throw my application in a hungry trash can. Even after I graduated college, I didn’t have my TOR and diploma with me as I still had a huge account balance in school. However, I did still try to apply to any company which job qualifications fit me. But all of them were looking for my unclaimed documents and won’t trust me for a very simple job like I had a criminal record. I didn’t know anything about online application so I had no choice but to be under the heat of the sun just to pass those application that seemed invisible to those companies I applied to.

It felt really bad to watch my mamang sewing bundles of dresses to feed us. I could clearly see the needs of my family yet there was nothing I could do. All my so-called friends just gone and there was no way for me to reach them since I didn’t even have cellphone and social networking sites were not yet in those days. I only poured out my frustration and resentment on the poems that I wrote. Pen and papers were my constant companion. The only leisure place I could go to that time was the church. I couldn’t eat what i craved to eat, our TV at home had bad reception and I didn’t have presentable clothes. Sometimes, we even found it hard to buy soap and shampoo. My father didn’t do anything but he would only give additional burden and both physical and emotional pain. What was more hurtful was that, many people including my brothers and sisters insulted me whenever they wanted as if I like the situation that I was in. The miserable life of the people that I only saw on TV when I was a kid was exactly happening to me…

Thank God I have passed those torturing days! I’m not still rich but I’m earning somehow. I got a job, I’m able to eat what I craved to eat before, I can go to nice places depending on my budget and I have presentable clothes now though they are not that branded. I’m able to give for our expenses at home and I have this not so high tech cellphone yet I have my own laptop, I’m able to buy TV and other home furniture and I can pay my own bill. Moreover, I also love treating my family and friends out. I really love it as well when I have the chance to help others in a small yet heartfelt ways. This is not to brag but it is simply because I know exactly how it feels to have nothing… I sincerely know how it feels like to be helpless.

Yes, it really feels great to help… to be a blessing to anyone. I know there are many things I must be grateful for. It’s just that, I can’t still help to be sad sometimes. It warms my heart when anybody remembers me or would keep in touch with me. But why is it, most of the time, people would only remember me when they are in need of something. Some would call me endearing words if there’s a favor they would ask from me. What if I would be in that situation again when I was a bum, will they ever care? Will they ever remember that I still exist? What if when I grow old alone, will there be anybody who will take care of me if I have no money? or they will just view me as an excess baggage???

There are times when I’m going through difficult times. I badly need someone whom I can turn to… to talk to or to just listen. But during these times also, all of them simply disappear. Everyone is too busy to care! They never ran out of excuses! I didn’t ask anything in return if there’s something good I have done to them. All I need is just a bit of care… to make me feel I’m being valued somehow and that I’m not alone… But it seems like empathy and sensitivity are no longer in trend nowadays; use and abuse are the only things that are in! Even this special person I trust to count on to excluded me on his priority list. Maybe because I was never his priority! I didn’t ask him to stop the important stuff he’s been doing these days. I didn’t ask him for money or any material things. All I’m asking from him is a glimpse of his care! I can afford not to sleep at night even if I would still have to wake up early for work just to be with him when he’s going through something. It’s just so painful that it’s easy for him to turn me down when I need him the most.

Now I realize that the only person you can depend on is no one but Yourself… Nobody really care enough to stand by you nor remember you unless they need you! Some can’t even say a simple “thank you” to me. From now on, I must deal with all the difficulties in life on my own! Leaning on anybody will only put me in a big disappointment! I must strive harder and make myself ready to grow old alone!

I don’t really how to start this post nicely as I don’t really know how such a mess happened. I can’t even believe until now how it suddenly happened. It’s just so ironic that in just a blink of an eye, things would change terribly just because of a poisonous mind.

I thought I was the one who was being unreasonable, jealous, childish, moody and too sensitive. In fact, you’re struggling on how to get along with me.. with these not so likeable attitude… But why is it you’re being worse than all of my combined difficult traits?

Just like any other girl in love, I’m yearning for attention, appreciation and affection. But I understand if I can’t get these 3 As from you anytime I want due to our unusual situation… your situation. I may be noisy at times but I do understand… It was just so frustrating that you would still choose not to show nor give these to me even if you can… even if you have time…

From the time I woke up that day, I already long to hear anything from you. Each time my phone beeps, I would wish that it’s your name on it. To my dismay, I was just waiting for nothing. I still needed to be the one to initiate for you to know that I was still existing waiting for you. We both know you can keep in touch that time but you chose not to! yeah, this may sound petty but that simple thing matters to me as that was one of the few means to be connected to you. Why was it you still found it hard to communicte? Am I not that special and worthy to remember?

Okay, you may tell me I’m wrong to think that way and that I’m important to you and you love me. How come I don’t still see enough and why can’t you make me feel that way? Yes, a love like ours has nowhere to go and this is the very reason why I’m savoring the few time left.. to share some borrowed moments with you..

Maybe I was being immature to be carried away by my sentiments and resentment that day. but I couldn’t help it, my frustration had been compounded within me. It was difficult for me to act nicely and to pretend that I was okay. For the _nth times, I was so disappointed in you that I didn’t feel like talking to you, to smile sweetly at you, not even look closely at you.. I just tried to shift my attention to people around me and to those whom I was with.

But how come, I was the one who turned out to be a traitor in your eyes? All of the sudden, you tagged me as a woman without fidelity.. an untrustworthy! I didn’t really know what the hell were you talking about! I couldn’t even remember doing that instance that was caught by your so-called “sharper than your lens” eyes! I may be wrong to act like a bit rude that time but this I swear– God knows what’s the truth!!! I’m a descent woman who’s being raised well by my mother. I’m not a cheater and never will I be!!

It may be true that my eyes were headed into that man’s direction. As I was saying, I intentionally trying to focus my attention to other things and look at the companion I was with.. except you!.. I just couldn’t believe that despite all those things I’ve done to show how much I love you, it was just very easy for you to think that i decieved you right in front of you. I couldn’t erase what happened with you in the past and what those flirty girls did to you. How could you afford to think that I was nothing but like them? Is forgetting myself  to prove my love to you wasn’t still enough that you could insult me like that??

You were able to malign me before and wishing me to die over the fault I didn’t know nor intent… and now you’re giving the same pain to me again! Aren’t you contented? How much tears do I need to shed for you to stop hurting me? I won’t mind and I won’t care if the person who defame me won’t matter to me. But of all the people, it’s you again?? Did I commit a heinous crime for you to torture me emotionally? All I know, the only mistake I have is to love an unworthy man like you!

You owe an apology for heaping the dirt that is not supposed to be on me. But still, the next day I swallow my pride- something that was not me but I did it because I wanted to save the relationship even if it would still end soon when you leave. However, what did you do? Do you still remember how you continued to insult me, to push me away? I thought accusing is a worse thing one can do to their love one as what you always claim.. So, why are you enjoying accusing me with such foolish thing that is next to impossible???

When I told you I love you and I’ll never love anyone like I do to you, I truly mean it! I never thought loving can be this painful and frustrating. I don’t know what kind of poisonous air came to your mind to judge me like a criminal or if anything or anyone tried to brainwashed you. But it doesn’t matter anymore, because if you’re just honest when you tell me you love me, I don’t have to beg for your attention and affection. More importantly, you can never afford, not even in your dream to think wicked things against me. If there are things I’ve done that offend you or somethng you didn’t like, you could have gone straight to me.. to tell me directly… but you chose to talk it over to another person who doesn’t know me well. She knows more what’s inside you than me.. who’s really your girlfriend? I or her?? I’m so tired! I don’t want to believe all of you anymore! You’re talking behind my back!

You’re supposed to be the most brilliant man I know, not to mention the fact that I loved you the most…. I never thought you can be this shallow… yes, you’re  indeed a water…. a shallow water!

I know I’ve told you this before

but I still want to tell you more

I just want to say I love you

and I promise that it’s true

 

We’ve been through stormy weather

we terribly hurt each other

yet we come back to each other’s heart

I just pray we’ll never be apart

 

Many have unpleasant thoughts about me

because you’re not totally free

but my love for you is strong

even if they would say it’s wrong

 

You are my sweetest blessing

you’re the reason why I’m living

how can I let you go away

when you’re the air I breathe each day

 

We may not know what lies ahead

just remember these words I said

and if I would live my life again

I will still love you without end

He said You had talked to him, telling him what to do and what must he become….

If that is true, what I really am? If I continue to love him, to be with him… will I be Your ungrateful competitor who will surely lose? Will I be Your plan-wrecker? Can I be called a devil’s instrument? or one of the worse creation on Earth?…

Yes, I don’t forget that I’m not perfect. I’m a big sinner. I haven’t done enough to be called as worthy Christian. I don’t have a saint-like attitude. I didn’t follow you consistently…

Despite my blemishes, I hope you also see that I’ve been striving hard to be a better person.. to be closer to you… to honor you… But are all my iniquities are bigger than my goodness for me to deserve a deep pain like this?

I may be wrong in loving him. I know what he may be leading to but I still plunged in the lonely sea. But I also want to tell you I did not plan this, I did not intent this and I don’t want to be your villain. I’m not perfect but I am somehow a good person. I don’t really want to be in this situation… I just sinned as I didn’t know how to stop this foolishness. My love for him is too strong to dispel.

I know I must love you more than anything else, that’s why I was hopeful despite my doubt and anxiety… All my life I’ve been waiting for someone to love me, convincing myself that there is truly someone you have in store for me. I come to believe that since I’ve waited this long, You would really save the best for last… but why is it I bumped into him?.. someone who strongly believe that You told him to serve You in a way that hurts me extremely!

Am I just the one to be blamed in this situation? How will I stop? How can I stop? How to let go of someone who has been tattooed in my heart and soul. He’s too precious to lose. When I fell in love with him, I knew at that very moment he would be someone I will love for the rest of my life.

Will You also talk to me? Please tell me what is that terrible sin I committed to be punished like this? How can I make it through each day feeling like a living dead! I’m begging you to please be fair! If it’s true that You won’t give him to me, would you please utterly take him out of my mind… my system… and most of all, from my heart!

I’m sorry if I feel bad, if I have said disappointing words… I’m sorry if I sound demanding and impatient… It’s just so difficult to think well, to act well, to speak well when I’m overwhelmed with pain and misery.

I don’t want to be your rival forever… I’m tired of being a loser… so Please, have mercy on me… Kindly remove up to the last drop of my love for him now… (–,)

As I recall, we’ve been through a lot of fights

those times disappointed me, giving me sleepless nights

I was in distress that I wanted to turn away

but there’s something in you that made me want to stay

 

Sometimes I don’t know how to handle my temper

I just lose control resulting to hurting each other

please know I didn’t mean the nasty words I said

whenever I am hurt my brain jumps out of my head

 

I know I’m not the girl with wide range of understanding

but I have a heart for you that couldn’t stop loving

you are my treasure, you’re more valuable than pearl

that’s why I’m upset when you’re with other girl

 

I’m sorry for the times when I’m being narrow-minded

when you broke up with me I was really devastated

Thank God for His love He leads me back to you

you’re always be my baby until the world is through!

I have did my best but it is not enough for you. I have fight for you with all my might but still you don’t want to realize my worth. So now, don’t ask me to pretend that there is still “us” nor tell me that I’m just mad because we both know you will eventually leave me! The moment you decided you will live a life without me spells that I don’t really have spot in you! So why would I force myself to stick with you??? It hurts like hell but I need to slap myself back to reality that you don’t really want me in your life.

I just pray that you’ll soon be like other guys whom I can just pass by without minding, like you don’t matter anymore.. like you don’t exist at all! I have been so restless, I’m already exhausted in chasing you… in hoping you’ll be mine though you would show me from time to time you can never be with me as I grow old! Yes, it’s my fault to take risk to let you be a part of me… but did you ever care to see I’ve somehow done good for you like loving you more than anything else in this world?

Good for you because you can just be like Pontius Pilate who would just wash your hands by saying the same old line like, “you know already from the the start that I’ll be it..” So, you’re saying I would just face the consequence of my being stupid alone?… Wow! you’re so lucky to have picked up the finest “part time object” while taking away from me the precious thing I took care for a long time that I was proud of!… I know that life is so unfair, I just don’t realize how harsh it is until you hurt me this much! What really terrible mistake I’ve done for me to deserve this excruciating pain???? This is bullshit!!!

I have been trying to be good, to be modest, to be prim and proper, to be what they called “dalagang Pilipina” and to be the woman that a man is looking for. I have been patiently waiting all my life in the hope that I would end up with someone worthy of this long wait. But why is it like this? Why are those people who are playing with others’ feeling have the most happy and active love life???..Mine is not yet to come? Oh come on! I so hate the words, ” you deserve someone better.” What the use of that someone better if you already found the best for you who just dumped you unfortunately!

You’re such a sly one, incomparably insensitive… heartless, life-wrecker! Please pray harder that you will not feel every single pain I feel and every bloody tear I shed… you may not bear it!