To be nice and cordial and kill em with kindness….or go straight for the haterade and be a complete bitch?

why ask who what when and where if the only asnwer you really want to know is why?

i hate my feelings today but they have been brewing for weeks now and have finally just reached the make it or break it point. After an incredibly long and painful night of hacking my lungs up, puking my guts up and all the while just insanely pissed off, it is official that my give a damn is completely busted. i can only try so hard before i just dont have the energy to do so anymore. i am constantly being drug into ridiculousness and to be honest i just dont care to even remotely be nice about the half ass attempts anymore. i am sick to the gills of people having rules in their lives of which only apply to others. no thank you! there is certainly not even an ounce of room for fake drama causing whores and if people choose to surround themselves with such, they can certainly do so outside the confines of my life completely. these are completely non negotiable and i have made it clear. i have had enough!  i dont want anyone in my life who chooses to associate themselves with such low life poor excuses for human beings. i am almost 30 years old and deserve much more than that ridiculousness. ive grown up and im set with my decision. i figure i will be the bad guy and as always im sure ill be a bitch too, but the reality of it is as long as people keep their fake ass hoes in the mix, they are clearly not ready to let go of the games and im not having any part of such. you cant have a relationship with the one you claim to love if you cant let go of the fake ass hoes! i hate that i feel this way, but the same rules apply to them as to me. i lost a few great friends because of someones wishes and rules and it seems its only a one way street. Sorry, I dont operate that way and nor will i ever! My exact thoughts are either stand up to the same rules you expect of me or go play your games elsewhere out of my life. i have much bigger fish to fry than to worry about such shenanigans. if such hoes are more important, by all means enjoy your life with them. i absolutely cannot ever remember a time that they were there in several years when things fell apart in life, but if thats what you think a true friendship is…good luck. Your definitely going to need it with “friends” like that. i will continue to be true to myself. i will not accept such in my life ever again. choices have consequences and my life certainly will go on in a peaceful manner. it’s non negotiable!……….it might be hateful and crass but its the gods honest truth and im not ever settling for anything less…..

I guess time has finally told the truth. Its been more than a month and i had no closure on the husband and skank whore girlfriend and there its haha funny funny a joke to stress a cancer patient out to the point of causing three heart attacks and me damn near dying and leaving my daughter without a mother. He said he wanted to be friends but i couldnt understand. So, after being called a whore yesterday and told since someone is sending me flowers it looks all wrong, being called a whore because there are several men who have expressed an interest in me now that they were informed i am single. None of which i have given the time of day, contrary to popular belief. I was angry when i left him and i did in fact send one guy an inappropriate text and within 10 seconds i rescinded it and explained to him that not only was i not that kinda girl, but i will be damned if i will run into another mans arms for attention (per the husband being a whore) just because i hold such hatred against him. I have made this mistake before and it took me less than 10 seconds to realize there was no way in hell that this particular path was in my best interest and i shut it down right then. i started thinking. So at midnight i text the husband for some clarification. It ended up with a lovely two hour phone conversation that shed a ton of light on the reasoning for several things. He called me a whore for cheating on him. Which i openly admit that i did do. I will also state that my infidelity was following his many forms of infidelity prior. Yes, i now know that it isnt any better for me to do the same things he did to me and it be even. It was in fact completely wrong in all aspects on both of our parts. Lesson definitely learned the hard way. I was informed that he made a unilateral decision after i was diagnosed with cancer to separate himself from me, to no longer support me emotionally so that it made me stronger to fight cancer. O.k. So i think thats a bit ridiculous and told him i appreciate the complete lack of faith he ever had in me. So we narrowed that down. Yes, our marriage is over and there is absolutely no going back. He informed me that he will never forgive me for things i have done but he misses his wife and more than anything he misses his best friend. Honestly i miss my best friend too. When he said he cant forgive me for cheating on him i absolutely about choked. He informed me the definition of a whore is a person that runs right into the arms of who ever will tell them what they want to hear and is the new “ew shiny”. Then politely called me a whore again. Ironic that this is the same guy who for the last few months has been telling a so called “best friend of 25 years(yet i have never met her and didnt know aBout her until a month ago)” how he adores her, how beautiful she is and how he couldnt wait to hold her naked all because she told him he was sweet and attractive while he was raNting to her about just how much he hates me. So, im confused as to how in the hell it comes so easily for him to call me a whore but it apparently escaped his hypocritical mind that he and she are as well and they took it to an all new beyond human low! This friend that has been nowhere to be found for as long as we have been together (12 years) until a few months ago is having a bad relationship, hates her job, is screwed up in the head and an alcoholic and he and she both fall into his as he called it whore category perfectly. So thats not even the worse. In this two hour conversation he repeatedly informs me his only concern is my well being. A little background on this chic is she is in fact still married, was dating one of my husbands friends and all the while telling my husband just how much she adored him and wouldnt mind him holding her naked. So i absolutely am finding it a complete hillarious endeavor that he hates me for being a whore and by his own definition, the woman he is sooo admirable and that is supposedly such a great friend  and per her own bullshit lies is a very respectful woman ( again i am laughing) is an even bigger whore than I could ever imagine to be and he is right there with her.  he went on to tell me how my infidelity effected him and our family. Well clearly it didnt effect you in the least because you are quite frankly doing the exact same damn thing.. which is the exact thing he hates me for? What sense does that make?. He has been point blank told he is doing the exact same thing and i have told him i hope he pulls his head out of his ass and sees the bigger picture sometime soon and yet he doesnt stop so clearly he is a bit misguided and i dont honestly think a damn thing effects this guy at this point. I am pretty sure the only thing that flows thru his veins is complete ice water. Wait, theres more. I was informed that him telling her he wants to hold her naked and lying to me and stressing me out to the point of having three heart attacks was nothing more than a “ha ha funny joke”. Now, I dont know about anyone else, but my well being is absolutely never a haha funny joke and that exactly contradicts his repeated statement that his foremost concern is my well being. Lets not forget that he still by his own admission talks to this chic on a solid often basis and he has yet to confront her about the text message she sent him about how funny it was to fuck with me all the while not only did he, but she also knew my exact health state. Why, because its a conversation he thinks he needs to have face to face with her…who knows maybe they will have it naked!  Well lets just say, i have clarification. He not only did not put my well being first, he was more worried about her kids at christmas and i hope they enjoy their custom made fishing poles he bought them because our own daughter sure as hell hasnt seen hide nor hair of hers yet. So every last thing he in fact told me he hated me for doing years ago, he has in fact done in the last month himself. And has the nerve to say he wants to be friends. I gave him the option of removing such low life whore from his life and proving that my well being was in fact his concern, but well lets just say im sure their future conversations will continue to escape such topics and until he gets a clue i will keep my exact thoughts of who and what he really is to myself. i would be more than happy to try to be friends and start to let go some of the animosity,  but the truth is…he put this super whore first above my life, he put her kids first before our own child and constantly does nothing but contradict himself and until he stops playing bullshit games (no i am not stupid enough to believe a damn thing anymore). His super skank whore is not and will never be welcome in my childs life and he has always upon repeated events said that no woman not welcome in his childs life will be part of his life, yet again by his own admission he still calls this super whore all the time therefore proving to me that we really have absolutely no reason to be friends because he is not ever going to be a man of his word. If i have to question wether i would die at this mans hands then i do not need friends like that. He can go on living in his fairytale im not a whore and my super skank isnt either world all the while believeing he did me a favor (which he did..because clearly our marriage was nothing more than a haha funny joke to him too and our friendahip apparently was too) but i will continue to live in the real world where i know i made mistakes, i apologized for them and didnt make excuses and bullshit high school games and  i absolutely under no circumstances put someone else above the life of him. As a matter of fact, after our daughter passed away he was so mentally distraught he decided it fit to try and kill himself repeatedly. One day i walked out into his workshop garage only to watch him kick the bucket from his own standing and watch Him hanging himself.  me walking out to find him hanging by his neck and holding him up and getting the neuse from his neck and saving his life literally damn near killed me. He fell on me and broke my neck and now i have a titanium plate that holds my neck together..so without a shadow of a doubt i can in fact confirm that i have in fact put his life before my own before and  i have never and will never put some skank whore (who sure as hell hasnt been any friend at all to him in 12 years for certain) before his well being regardless of just how much he has made me hate him. Why, because my daughters well being is my foremost concern and her fathers well being directly effects hers. A lesson he clearly is missing! But hey as always im sure its all my fault somehow. ..but he has and continues to put this skank whore that has in fact not been anywhere to be found for the last 12 years before the well being of his daughters mother ( regardless of our history this is beyond low)…so he tells me its great that i make our problems about his super skank…but the truth of the matter is that he hates me so much for the exact same damn actions he has done for the last few months and continues to do. He just used this skank whore to do it..needless to say, i have said goodbye. I no longer need this bullshit in my life. I cheated on him, yes i didnt come home after being diagnosed with cancer and my husband telling me he hated me because i had cancer wasnt even a good reason for what i missed out on although it is more than completely fucked up!. I was beyond a little scattered on life and the way i dealt with it was completely wrong. It took a severe toll on my relationship with my daughter with me not coming home after work. It just confirmed that i was really on my own and god knows i just handled it all wrong. I had my wake up call. It took me quite sometime to repair the damage with my child and i continue to have to face the fact that i will never forgive myself for such. I have repaired this and wont miss a minute with her every again unless it is absolutely outside my control! So as for his argument that he will never forgive me for not coming home to my family as in “the husband and daughter that were waiting for you at home” it again is a complete contradiction of terms when it comes to the husband.. A husband waiting for me at home as in the same husband who made a unilateral decision to detach himself from me because i had cancer. Thats not a husband in any fashion. Its merely a roomate who  didnt give a damn to support me.. And as for my daughter, there isnt a day that doesnt go by that i dont regret the damage done there and you can bet your ass i will continue to do everything in my power to strengthen the relationship we have to ensure as as long as i am alive my Princess and i will maintain a healthy loving relationship. She and i have a great relationship now and it will stay that way. I do without a shadow of a doubt wish that he could see for all his i cant forgive you’s it is nothing more than the pot calling the kettle black and he is doing some serious damage. I honestly just want him to see that he is making the same mistakes i did and it will not fair well in any way. The pot calling the kettle black will never go anywhere but down the hatred road. The bigger picgure here is you hate me for my mistakes yet your making the exact same damn ones just in a much bigger scale. I almost died for gods sake! . I really wish he could realize that this so called best friend is nothing more than an according to her own text records to him a screwed up in the head alcoholic who has already lied to him and is nothing more than a super skank “whore” by his own definition. Reality sucks..he pissed his real best friend away for what? Her….lol…clearly the joke isnt on me. Its his loss! I can see things for what they are truly worth. Its him that is a bit misguided. But regardless i wish him well. I continue to promote a healthy relationship between our daughter and him and i will without a shadow of a doubt continue to because for all of his hating me, and calling me names and such, you can bet your ass i will never again lie to my child and i do in fact feel that she needs us both equally in a complete healthy positive light. So i will be civil and keep all future conversations with him regarding our child only. The truth is i feel although he thinks he put my well being first  his actions did and conti ue to prove he did nothing more than try to put me in the grave. And until he can come to grips with such and be a man of his word and remove this low life waste for a human being super skank whore from his life, i am left with horendous thoughts of is he really him as nothing more than a hypocritical, lying, sackless skank whore wanting pathetic excuse for a human being or is he in fact a man of his word who truly does care about his daughters well being and therefore will in fact put my well being first? …not in the least the feelings i want to have about the father of my daughter but the reality of it is until he stands up to his word, i have no reason to want him in my life and i have absolutely no reason to think he is of any higher caliber because his actions prove otherwise. Its up to him to be the man he claims to be..i cant change it, i cant make him see anything and to be honest i dont have the capability to stress such bullshit anymore. If he truly wants his best friend back its really as simple as removing a skank whore from his life and starting the healing process.hell, even if we are never friends again i still hope he gets a damn clue and sees this psycho whore for exactly that..i reitterate the same skank whore who is NOT EVEr IN ANY CAPACITY WELCOME IN our daughters life! I am sure he will take this as a personal attack, of which it is not. It is my feelings, my thoughts and some straight facts mixed in to get it off my chest. Hating someone this much is quite frankly no good for me. Hating two people this much is twice as stressful.   I am sure i will be a crazy bitch for thinking the way i do, i am certain i will continue to be a whore and a few other choice words….. But best of all i am certain i grew the hell up and live in reality so the past that i have apologized for and admitted too will not effect me. I can admit my mistakes, i have learned the hard way and was forced to see everything in a much grander design. I know what is in my best interest. I have made it clear and if others dont see fit to accept it and truly put my well being first, i have no choice but to do what is in my best interest and remove the low lifes from my life. Only he can choose which side of the fence he really wants to be on, but in the meantime i will do whats best for me medically and keep him completely out of my life! Time….something you cant get back and unfortunately he is wasting the time he could have with his “best friend his wife” by playing high school little bitch games with a super skank whore. Again….my thoughts, my opinions and i am entitled to such….it keeps me from stressing and since i have my daughter, i refuse to show this much hatred around her…a healthy relationship with her is what she deserves and what she is getting..i will keep such ridiculousness away from her as she has had to deal with this ignorence all to much already..so..i guess ill shut up now since i have ranted enough! I am sure he will hate me more for this blog, but to be honest if his actions werent so god damn ignorent as of late, and he could stop making it about a personal attack and see that i am honestly trying to stop him from making the same dumbass mistakes i made and having to live with the consequences which arent of anything nice, we would be all be better off. Life goes on and mine will go on with a smile with or without him as a friend….it truly is his call! In the middle of all the hate, i still managed to say thank you for all the good he has done. Although i dont have a clue who he is today, i do know that everything hasnt been all bad and i can give credit due when it is due. He was there in many aspects physically to help me up. He did endure many countless sleepless nights and for that im sorry. I dont think it was fair to him to have to take care of me, but i am truly thankful for the good. Not something i say often because the bad is where my mind resorts to, but i atleast can say thank you even with the amount of hate in my heart…guess its just another step in the healing and moving on process.