Depression and the Evil Spiral...

Don't let the shot fool you. The sweater is jet black. It just looks like a really badass charcoal gray due to lighting.
I would **TOTALLY** buy a sweater in this color, though... Just for those of you keeping score at home. =P

I had a good conversation with a friend of mine about his ongoing battle against clinical depression. As we spoke, the talk had me thinking about my mind set over the last couple of years. Looking back, I have very little doubt that I have been coping with a MASSIVE fit of depression myself for the last 3+ years. Since I am also a person with minor (untreated) bi-polar syndrome, this depression would occasionally get punctuated with a spike of manic that would last for a day or two, but then I would sink back into my malaise.

Consequently, the longer things went on, the more depressed I began to feel, but it was so slow in onset that I literally did not noticed that it had happened until earlier this year. It was, in a word, insidious. It is only with the clarity that "distance" provides that I am beginning to understand just how f****d up I was.

• My weight had a lot to do with it, but even that was just a result of my not wanting to do anything meaningful. The less I did, the more weight I gained, and the more weight I gained, the less I wanted to do anything at all. I am just now pulling out of this in a number of areas, but some damage has been done (health-wise) that will take a fair amount of time to fix.
• My realtionship with Mrs. Gopher, which has been rockier than we ever let on in the last couple of years, is showing signs of improvement because I am putting effort back into it. Part of our issue wasn't that I didn't care about my marriage, but instead it was my not realizing that I was NOT actively caring that did most of the damage. I was distant, lost, and pretty much unapproachable, and I had NO idea I had become that way.
• The store, which had slid into being sort of a dingy clubhouse, is now getting more of my attention once again, and things are slowly coming back from that. The main reason with us changing the hours back to opening at 11AM after two and a half years of opening at 3PM was to force me to be in the store more than I had been. As tired as I am, it is helping both the store and myself.
• My gaming life? That's still being worked on, but I am taking steps to address that as well.

Plans are in place to take my life back... =)

Another friend asked me if I felt my current upswing is just another manic hiccup and if I will, after a brief period, slide back into my long-term funk. Honestly, I'm not sure, but if I believe it to be, then my depression has already won the battle again. However, another part of me is saying "screw that noise". Now that I've opened my eyes to my own (in-)actions, I can address them for what they are. Knowing what they are... They're gonna get fixed, by sheer force of will and good (re-built) habits.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some life to attack... =)

peace... GopherDave

Back To The PIts...

One of the last pictures that will be taken by my trusty Nikon CoolPix S3300. Shortly after I took this, I dropped the camera on the floor and now it does not function...

Tonight was back to almost non-existent money at the store... Yes, we made some cash, but far below the average amount needed to survive at the current space. Am I worried? You bet. Am I going to let it get to me to the extent that it has been lately? Nope... I can't afford to be in that emotional spiral again.

Overall, I'm still holding out. I had a fit of mania last night that left me moderately productive, but only in the sense of laundry. No real writing/gaming ideas came to mind, but to be honest, I wasn't trying to coax them out, either. As it goes, I'm going to try to get *something* creatively productive done tonight, and try to share with y'all.

So, that's pretty much what's on my mind, currently. A lotta nuttin'... =P

-- GD

Let It Come To Me...

It's Sunday night after close here at the store, and we've had one of our better weeks in a while. *MUCH* better than last week, which was absolutely gawd-awful. That is good, as that is what we need to stabilize things and turn things back around. This keeps up, and it will be easier for me to continue my own positive progress.

I don't really have a lot to say, currently. I mean, a lot of things are floating around in my head, but nothing really tangible from a writing perspective. As I type this I am listening to "Robot Hive/Exodus" by Clutch. If you have not heard this album (or any album) by Clutch, you do yourself a disservice as a music fan. Put succinctly, this is a band that is four, old beardy guys who just flat out *ROCK*. In many ways, Clutch is too good of a band. They constantly sell out small venues, but they are too good to open for anyone in an arena, for they will blow 99.9% of the bands they would open for off of the stage. I do not say this lightly. I've seen a number of bands in my time, more honestly than I can remember. Outside of perhaps Metallica and Faith No More, Clutch blows away anyone else that I have seen...

Rush... Judas Priest... Anthrax... Midnight Oil... Queensryche in their prime... Suicidal Tendencies... Ghost... Gwar... Sevendust... Mushroomhead... Hunters & Collectors... Avenged Sevenfold...

Clutch smokes them all...

I've seen Clutch three times, and would see them a hundred more. They're that good...

This is, however, pure opinion... yours might vary... but you'd be wrong. =P

-- GopherDave

Dude Interrupted...

Woke up WAYYYYYY later than I wanted to today. We had shipments due at the store dirt early, so I had no time for the uniform I'm trying to reinstitute for myself. Yeah, it's a bit of an excuse, but given how suddenly I reintroduced this to my life, and the fact I had slid into a "slacker" sleeping schedule of up-until-4AM-wake-up-at-Noon-Thirty, it explains things a bit. I'm exhausted and my body is fighting back. Whatevs...

I'm scheduled today until way late (think 2AM+) and I'm not scheduled at all for tomorrow, so it might be a day or two off from it.

Ran Tai'eres last night, and while not much happened to advance the story, we had a good time. The group has been faced with a couple of dilemmas in regard to their current situation that honestly, they had been it overthinking it all a bit. Near the end of the evening, they all kind of realized it and figured out a way through at least one of their issues, so things advanced.

I'm off to go do stuff, as there is much stuff to do and I've lost more productive hours that I would have liked this morning...

Toodles... GD

Seeing Stars Among The Steps...

Day three and the fun continues...

Woke up this morning around 8:15AM, and wen and sat on the couch to watch TV as I truly woke up and gathered my wits. Around 9AM or so, I went to stand up to grab a shower and truly start my day. As I stood, sharp pain shot up and down my left leg and I apparently blacked out, because that was the last thing I remember before waking up on the couch sometime after 11AM.

My left knee has been giving me issues recently. It has mostly been an aching I can attribute to getting older, heavier, and arthritic. Today was a level of pain I have not felt in a long while, and oddly, my knee currently feels okay. It's not pain-free, but it is at or below the level I have been dealing with lately. I'll probably have it checked out soon (sometime in the next week or so), as it is now passed the point of concern.

Tonight is my pulp-fantasy home-brew RPG, Tai'eres. We have lost a couple of players, but I am not certain I want to replace them yet. I have enough notes that a rules revision is probably a thing that should be done sooner rather than later. Mostly have to carve out time for that, which should be easier to do now that I am not swimming in a pool of depression.

Things are looking better, though... just have to keep juggling for a little bit longer... which means I have to keep on focus...

peace... GD

Waking Up With The House On Fire...

Day 2... Step 2...

Lately, things have been rough from a business standpoint. I won't lie. A new competitor hit the scene and has really given us what for. In an effort to retain the business they were taking away from us, we altered and evolved our approach to be more like them. Then, out of blue morass of one of the longest depression fits I've dealt with in recent memory, a thought occurred to me...

I had lost sight of who I was as a person, and by extension, lost sight of what our store is as a business.

We had become a poor imitation of another store, and we've never been that. Armored Gopher Games has always been uniquely... Gopher.

So it shall be again... It is going to take a long time to recover from the mess I've led it to, but I, as a person, and we, as a store, are no longer going to concern ourselves with what "they do over there". We're going to concentrate on what we can do to make our store better...

Which is as it should be...

peace... GopherDave

Rebirth...

Remember this..? I wasn't certain I did...

It's been three months since my last post, and the hits have kept on coming. I'm not going to lie. To call what I have been going through "depression" really only covers a small percentage of the surface. Thing is, I'm done letting it keep beating me down. I'm done letting it win. I have reached the apex of apathy and I am now saying enough is enough.

It is time to get back to being who I truly am.

One of the first steps to doing that is to get back to a healthy routine, which includes this. Writing, even when I was writing effectively nothing, kept me clear and let me untangle what was in my head. Doing it daily helped keep me focused on things. I have so lost sight of that focus, it's not even in my time zone.

June 3rd, 2014... Day one of rebirth... Day two will be tomorrow... it has to be... I have to make positive progress or I fear I shall not return and all will truly be lost.

Don't wish me luck. In fact, don't wish me anything. I don't need the crutch or the distractions.

To all the haters, obstacles, and problems... GET. IN. THE. RING.

-- GD