Finally Some Good News

Well, Blog, I finally heard back from the kidney specialist. The CT scan showed that the cysts on my kidneys were normal and not cancerous. For now. I will have to get scans every year to make sure they aren't growing, but for now, I can stop going to the doctor every week. What a relief.

In other good news, in case I haven't mentioned it before, the divorce was finalized in May. Jackass isn't doing everything he agreed to do - not harass me, reimburse me for 60% of Monkey's medical bills, not try to poison Monkey against me - but at least I don't have to call him the soon-to-be-ex-husband anymore. He is officially the ex-husband, and I could not be happier about it. When he first said he wanted out over two years ago, I did everything I could to change his mind. I begged him to go to counseling. I pleaded with him to give it one more try for Monk's sake. But when I finally accepted that he really was going to leave, I realized I was better off. And while our son has had some difficulty adjusting and knowing who to trust, I think he is better off, too. I hate that I can no longer be a buffer for him when his dad gets crazy, and I will have to work a lot harder to show him that some of his dad's narrow-minded beliefs are what make this world a more negative place. But he and I are having a lot more fun now that it's just the two of us here and we don't have to walk on eggshells depending on his dad's mood. If we want to go to the movies or a concert, we go. We don't need anyone else's permission or have to put up with someone else saying we don't need to spend that money. If we want to have a lazy Saturday, hanging out in our pajamas all day, we can do it without someone else trying to make us feel bad about it. Life is pretty good.

The absolute best news is that Monkey has not let all this affect his schoolwork negatively. Instead, he still cares about making good grades. He doesn't necessarily feel like he has to do his 100% best on every assignment, but he does want to make sure he gets A's and as few B's as possible on his report cards. He's also taking on more responsibilities which I'm hoping will increase his confidence. He tried out for the school news team, which makes the morning announcements for the whole school. He was so excited when he made it! I think one of the ladies in charge of it knew about what was going on at home and thought it would be good for him. I am so grateful he has such caring teachers. His homeroom teacher appointed him school ambassador for his class. He gets to help deliver mail through the school every month and do some other things that identify him as a big shot 5th grader. Best of all was when his class voted him class president which put him on the school council. He ran against four girls, which I think got him the boy vote and split the girls' votes (and which I'm pretty sure crossed his mind when he realized no other boys were running), but he was still really proud. He laughed when he told me about the speech he gave where he told his class how responsible he was and all the stuff he did at home. I had to laugh at that part, too, considering his toys are all over this house instead of where they're supposed to be. He said he knew I'd laugh when I heard that. He's nothing if not a master manipulator. He definitely has a future in politics if he wants it. I only hope he uses his powers for good, not evil.

At any rate, I think he's going to be okay through all of this. Now that things are finalized and visitation is settled and not changing week by week, he's starting to calm down and not have so many outbursts. Mornings are still tough because neither one of us is a morning person, but I can live with that. All in all, I think we're both much happier.

Happy Birthday to Me.

I know I'm forty because instead of planning a night out on the town or even just a special dinner with a little cake, I spent my birthday working a half day in order to get my car tag renewed so I didn't have to pay a late fee, and waiting in a doctor's office to have more blood drawn so he can tell me he doesn't know what's wrong with me. Woo hoo.

A little background: I spent the summer battling a nasty case of hives. Head to toe vicious hives that itched like crazy and would not go away unless I took a steroid that would cause kidney or liver damage if taken too long. My first real summer off from work or school in a few years, the one that I was supposed to spend by the pool reading trashy novels and doing absolutely nothing else, was spent going to see an allergist, a dermatologist, and a general practitioner. All of whom said it was probably stress. The first two prescribed steroids and various antihistamines, one of them costing a mere $100!, and the third doc took more and more blood, decided that I was anemic and my kidneys were not functioning exactly as they should, and sent me to a kidney specialist.

So I started taking a $10 iron supplement for the anemia, and lo and behold, the hives went away!  They've started coming back a little bit, but it's nothing compared to the misery I was in over the summer.  Seriously, as The Elephant Woman, I did not find myself wanting to spend time at the pool or anywhere where the general public might see me and break out the torches and pitchforks as they hid the small children, hoping to save them from life-scarring nightmares.  Anyway, over $700, four doctors, a couple of pints of blood, a kidney ultrasound, and a day of collecting my own urine later (hope you weren't in the middle of dinner there, imaginary reader), I still have some hive issues, still don't know exactly what's going on with my kidneys, and still have to go back to two of the doctors again.

If reincarnation and karma are real, I must have killed a lot of puppies in a past life.

Loving my new toy more and more

Just figured out how to post even faster from my phone. And I'm only, what, six years behind the rest of the universe?

Oops. Just googled it.
Eight years behind the pack. Oh well.

Better late than never

So I finally moved into the 21st century and got a smart phone. I was worried about it because I knew people who had experienced problems with them in the past - screens freezing, screens burning out, just general failure issues. But as much as I loved and trusted my phone, I was tired of it taking forever to load web pages, and I wanted to be able to easily check my e-mail on the phone so I wouldn't get busted doing it on my work computer. So I broke down and bought this fancy new doodad. And today I finally figured out how to update my long-dormant blog from the phone. Not that I have anything interesting to say. I can just say it faster now.

Long Time, No Blog

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I've posted on this thing. So much has happened and yet so little has happened at the same time. Still not divorced, but we should be getting closer. We had mediation a little over a month ago, and I know the final paperwork has been sent to Jackass's attorney. In typical Jackass fashion, he was bugging me about where the paperwork was, and now that he has it, he hasn't signed it. Who knows why. I'm still anxious for all of this to be over with because I can't refinance the house until the paperwork has been finalized. And I won't know if I'll be able to keep the house until I know what kind of payments I will have to make after it's been refinanced. But after some preliminary calls to various mortgage lenders, it looks like I may not be able to stay here for long.

Which is just one more reason I am filled with anger at Jackass. This whole divorce was his idea, and I'm the one who may be losing everything. I could lose my house while Jackass has a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I've already lost many cherished Christmas ornaments while he has the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me by taking them. I will have to struggle to take Mac on any kind of vacation (hopefully my tax refund will allow me to take him on one this year), while Jackass can take him anywhere, anytime. I will be unable to put much money away for general savings, for retirement, or for Monk's education while Jackass makes twice as much as I do and may never have to worry about that stuff (and isn't even required to help pay for Monk's college!). And worst of all, he has convinced Monk that I have lied to him his entire life about anything and everything. Since the mediation, Monk has made it clear that he wants to live with Jackass and knows that he can do so when he turns 14 (gee, I wonder who told him that little tidbit?) according to the laws in this state. He has been more than angry lately; he has been filled with rage, saying the most vile, awful, hateful things to me. It was an overnight change. He went from wanting to live with both of us to telling me that he hates me and wishes I were dead. I've got to get him to a counselor soon to help him deal with all of this. I've called a couple this week, but they haven't returned my calls. He was a little better last week, but I never know what will set him off, and I want him to talk to someone better equipped than I am to handle this sort of thing. We can't spend the next 4 years like this.

My mother thinks he may have been holding out hope that his father and I would reunite, but the mediation made him realize that it wasn't going to happen. I hope that in time he will come to realize that the divorce really is for the best. I have gotten a clear view of who Jackass really is, and it isn't pretty. I feel lucky to be away from him. I hate that Monkey has to spend time with him without me there to run interference when he starts to be overbearing or petty, or outright lies about me. But I have to trust that Monkey is smart enough to see the truth for himself. He may still want to live with his father when he's 14, but I really hope not. I know the damage Jackass can do to a person's self-esteem and what a bully he can be. I know how selfish he can be. I know how it feels to walk on eggshells in your own house and never want anyone to come over because you never know what kind of mood he's going to be in. I don't want Monkey to experience all of that, but I don't know what to do at this point. I can't change Jackass, and I can only protect Monkey so much. I have to trust that he will have the strength to stand up for himself when necessary. And if he still wants to live there in 4 years, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I won't like it.

In other news, it's Spring Break and I've gotten next to nothing done, which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone since I am The Great Procrastinator. I did go get my eyes checked and learned that I have a rare astigmatism. I always knew I was special. :) My glasses came in today, and I can't tell if they're doing any good. I really only need them for reading, and nothing's been that blurry today. And some things look blurry with the glasses on. Weird.

Just as lovely as the new glasses is the fact that I learned today that I'm 10 pounds heavier than I thought I was. I don't own a scale, but I had to get weighed today as part of a mini-checkup to get life insurance. I swear I don't feel this heavy, but the numbers don't lie. If only I could invent a weight-loss system that includes chocolate while excluding exercise. I would solve my weight problems and my money problems in one fell swoop.

From Riding on Cloud Nine to Being Hit by a Mack Truck

Oh, Bloggary,

Where do I even begin? I guess an update from my previous post would be in order. I couldn't decide between taking Monkey to see Rick again or taking him to see KISS for the first time in what looked to be a supremely cool venue. Knowing my weakness for Rick, you probably guessed that I chose him. And it was totally worth it! More on that later. But I didn't abandon my post in the KISS Army. I just chose a different boot camp to recruit Monkey into. We saw them a few nights after Rick. The seats weren't great, but the ginormous video screens made that a moot point. And Monkey had the best time! He totally loved it. He didn't know most of the songs, but with KISS, so much of it is about the spectacle and the show rather than the individual songs. Of course, Jackass went all hypocritical and said he didn't think it was appropriate for me to take Monk, but I knew he was just trying to make himself look better. I have no doubt he'll try to use it against me when we go to court (Oh, yeah, we finally got a court date. Only a year and 3 1/2 months after all this started, but who's counting?), but I have pictures of him in a KISS t-shirt with Gene Simmons make-up on his face, so I don't care what he says. Plus, there were actual babies at this show. Kids who were falling asleep and being carried around on Dad's shoulders all night. And I have yet to go to a KISS show where the crowd got out of hand. People are usually pretty cool at their shows. The guy in front of us kept turning around to high-five Monk as they both rocked out to "Rock And Roll All Nite." It was a really cool event to share with him. And some of my students were totally jealous that he got to go. :)

The Rick show a few days earlier was equally awesome in a different way. The opening act was Gunnar Nelson of 80's Nelson fame and Hollywood/Heisman DNA. I wasn't a fan back in the day, so I wasn't really looking forward to that part of the show. But I'm so glad I didn't skip it. He was really cool. He did an acoustic set - just Gunnar, a guitar, and lots of great stories and self-deprecating humor. He did a few of his dad's songs, and I am a huge Ricky Nelson fan, so I loved that. He mentioned his grandfather who won the Heisman in 1940. I told Monk that the grandfather he was talking about was also Agent Gibbs's dad, which impressed him a lot more than the football thing since he doesn't know what it even means. It was a really enjoyable set with a coffee house vibe. I would not turn down the chance to see another of his shows if they're all like that.

But the best part was of course Rick. We were front row center, and security where we were did a pretty good job of keeping people where they were supposed to be, which is always a plus when you know you paid more for front row. I can't say the same for security a few feet over, but most of the night, we had our clear view, so I can't really complain. And I finally had a working camera at a show! I took over 900 shots! While it's great to finally have my own pictures and not have to rely on the kindness of others, it made the show go a lot faster, and I feel like I missed some things. I was so focused on composition and camera settings that I didn't just enjoy the music as much as I usually do. Next shows for us are in February, and our seats are several rows back, so I think I will leave the camera at home and just have a good time.

Wow, didn't mean to go off on a tangent there. I meant to talk about Monk getting on stage for the third time!!! (Technically the fourth including the time Matt, the bassist, pulled him up to play bass.) I really didn't think it would happen this time, either. Rick had already given him a broken guitar string earlier in the show; and I think he's got to recognize him by now and remember that he's brought him up before. Plus, he had already pulled up a girl from several feet down. But he does sometimes like to get a few kids up there with him, and after getting the girl up there, he came back to Monk and lifted him up the four feet to the stage with one hand. Then he did a little dance number with the two of them, showing off their moves. Really cute. And this time, I got it all on film. Er, digital file. Later, Matt gave Monk a candy bar he and George, the lead guitarist, had been tossing back and forth. In all the shows we've gone to, he's now received numerous guitar picks, a guitar strap, a guitar string, a candy bar, and four trips on stage from Rick and the guys. From other fans, he's received ice cream, a flashlight, a t-shirt, $20, a bandana, and other guitar picks. Whatever mojo that kid has, I really wish I could borrow it. Or bottle and sell it. I would make a fortune.

A fortune would really come in handy these days. I have a feeling this divorce is going to be dragged on for quite some time. Jackass has started showing his true colors again and living up to his name when he doesn't get his way. Earlier in the school year, I found out that Monkey can ride the bus to my school after his school gets out. So I've started cutting down on the after-school visits to Jackass's house. He sees this as me infringing on his time, which is odd since we don't have any custody agreements, temporary or otherwise. There is no paperwork stating when Monkey is supposed to be with either one of us. So I saw it as making things more fair (and reducing the time that Jackass has to manipulate Monkey), and he saw it as me taking away something that belonged to him. He decided that on days when he does get Monkey after school he should get to keep him later to "make up for the time he loses" on the other days. I've agreed to it sometimes, but one day this week I chose not to since Monkey and I had several things we needed to get done this week - shop for a birthday present, decorate the house for the holidays, buy him a new mattress, deliver his Boy Scout popcorn, etc. When I insisted on getting Monk at the regular time, he threw a fit and actually called the police. He claimed he thought I had a weapon, and he felt threatened and concerned for all the children (Monkey and his girlfriend's two kids). How does someone get away with such outrageous lies? How does someone even have the gall to come up with them in the first place?

He's threatened to call the police a few times when I've wanted to pick Monk up before he was ready to let him go. I'd always been able to talk him down by reminding him that it would not be good for Monk to see his father sic the police on his mother. Other times I've been too nervous about what would happen if he actually went through with it that I just gave in to whatever he wanted. But lately I've begun to feel like I just don't give a damn what he does. I knew that if the police saw I was calm and rational, he'd look like an idiot. By the end of it, three police cars and three deputies were in his cul-de-sac, one neighbor had come outside to get the scoop from the cops, and he had been told that in this county, the courts favor the mother. I have no doubt that he was more pissed than he has ever been having to let Monkey come with me. The sad thing is, he doesn't even realize how scared Monkey was watching those police cars come down that street, knowing they were coming for his mother. That was the first thing he said to me when he got in the car. How anyone could do that to a child so unnecessarily is completely unfathomable to me.

Jackass is gearing up for a fight - lining up witnesses that haven't seen me in years, people who don't even know me at all, getting them to say that I abused his older son, ruined our marriage, and destroyed his relationship with his family. None of which really has a grain of truth to it. We are both responsible for the way our relationship turned out. I was certainly not perfect, but he was never husband of the year, either. We were both selfish and set in our ways. Neither of us treated the other very well towards the end. But this business about me abusing his son is utter rubbish. I would laugh if it didn't have the potential to not only cost me custody, but my career, too. He really doesn't care what he does to me or to Monkey as long as he gets what he wants. I'm sick to death of him lying and getting away with it, never getting called on any of it. It just isn't right, and I can't figure out why God hasn't smacked him in the head with a lightning bolt yet.

Standing there talking with the deputies, I didn't feel nervous or worried that the unthinkable would happen and they would make me let Monk stay with Jackass. I honestly felt like he was making a fool of himself and shooting himself in the foot while he was at it. I'm hoping the judge will see it as evidence of his being unstable. I've been saying for years I think he's bipolar, and others have wondered the same thing. Perhaps he was in one of his mood swings when he went too far this time. Hopefully his lawyer or girlfriend or someone will convince him to get some help. It's honestly a relief not to have to live in the same house with him anymore.

But before this really is over with, I want my stuff back. Monkey and I went to decorate for the holidays tonight only to discover that Jackass had taken half of my Christmas ornaments! He never bought anything for this house other than his ugly black chairs, which I was glad to see go. But my Christmas ornaments are another story. Those are mine, and I am angrier at him than I've been in months. He took the ones he knew would mean the most to me - my Star Wars ornaments and my Nutcracker Suite ornaments, all of which I've been collecting for years and can't possibly replace. It wasn't enough that he took the crystal vase my father gave me, which I only got back after I asked Monkey to look for it. He had to take the ones that he knew would piss me off the most and that I would miss the most. He's taken ones that I bought specifically for Monkey, too. Where the hell does he get off taking those things when he never bought a single ornament in the dozen years we were together?! Why on earth would he think he had any right to them? Jackass!

I know I said it's a relief not to have to live in the same house with him, and that's completely true, but I am also exhausted and sick of being stressed out because of this whole situation all the time. I want this to be over and done with. It's been over a year for crying out loud! Even Jon and Kate got divorced faster than this! Shouldn't God be done testing me and making me stronger by now? Doesn't He have other things to do? I know I do.

Decisions, decisions

If anyone happens to come across this post in the next couple of weeks, I need your advice. I've never been shy about proclaiming my love and admiration for rocker Rick Springfield (appearing on four episodes of Showtime's Californication this fall!). But I have never mentioned my affinity for KISS (BTW, have you seen Family Jewels on A&E - awesome), which, like Rick, has been a part of my life since childhood; and while I would probably never fly to Vegas just to see them, I would happily drive to Birmingham to take Monkey to his first KISS concert. Bonus for me since it's been well over a decade since I've been to one of their concerts. He's already said how much he would like to see them, and I would love to be able to introduce him to the madness. Which is exactly what I was planning to do in October when they appear in what looks to be a really good venue with great seats all around. But today I learned that Rick will be playing in Montgomery on the same night! What to do, what to do?!

Some facts to consider: Monkey and I are seeing Rick play in a couple of weeks in Tennessee, and KISS does play in Atlanta two nights after the Birmingham show, but I think I'd prefer the Birmingham venue (looks to be a little more intimate with better views from the cheaper seats). I also hate driving in downtown Atlanta, but at least I have been to that venue before, and I really hate driving in unfamiliar territory (which is what Birmingham is for me, even though I've been there a thousand times), especially at night. Also important to note - there are no other southern dates on Rick's touring calendar for the moment. Of course, that could change at any time, but there are no guarantees, and I'd hate to miss what could be my last chance to see his show for several months.

So, Blogosphere, what do I do? No need to comment on my irrational obsession with Rick. That's already been well-established and nothing will change it, so let's move on. Saturday night with Rick or KISS? Which would you choose?