Overly anxious, always depressed, wife and mother to three.
A man with two daughters, one shines bright, one howls at the moon.
He left them there in the protection of others, but was it enough to keep them from freezing like the others?
One went out to succeed. Well, the other found the darkness oh, so captivating.
Let me see the ugly and find the beauty.
Let me acknowledge the sickness and find the healing.
Let me feel the warmth of your love and I’ll use as a blanket.
Me this journey through the darkness find the most beautiful light.
Last night I dreamt that I was part of a large group of people that got displaced after something bad had happened. I spent a lot of time searching, having to push myself both mentally and physically to my upmost limit. After enduring the hellish nightmare, inside the nightmare I had hit a complete dead end. I found myself in the dark on a railway track built way off the ground, splitting off into tunnel different tunnels just ahead. I set down and finally let the realization hit me that I was never going to find my family. Suddenly several people came walking out of one of the tunnels and asked if I was part of the group of survivors. I told them yes, but that I hadn’t been able to locate any of the other survivors yet and that I had been searching with no luck. They told me that they knew where the survivors had been placed and were now living and that I was now in Chicago. We began walking down the endless train tracks for so long, I was beginning to give up hope that they actually knew where they were and then I started seeing tall building off in the distance and I was so relieved. The city was such different place now, the streets were mostly empty, the trains no longer ran and it was so quiet. We finally came to the building where the survivors were and I spotted some familiar faces right away. I began trying to locate my family but no one seemed to know exactly where they were they’re room was in the massive building that was now housing everyone. It took several days before I finally located a number and I called it up, Jared answered. He didn’t seem relived or happy to finally be speaking with me. As I started asking how they were I heard Aili speak in the background and then a women’s voice I didn’t recognize. I has stopped talking, silence followed then he told me he had found someone else and they were staying with him and not to come to they’re room, I wasn’t welcome and I he didn’t want me to see the children for the time being and not to try and contact him anymore.
After all I had went through to find them and that’s what I was “greeted” with.
I eventually found some friends to stay with and I started making my own skincare products and started selling them at a local shop until someone informed them that I wasn’t actually from there and they reported me and came looking for me. I knew I needed to leave that place before they found me and I got in trouble. So there I was once again completely alone.
After years of dreams where I found out my husband was cheating on me, leaving me or had died, last night he saved me.
This morning I woke up feeling like something I had been missing was found. I thought somehow when he woke up, things would be different, like he would just be able to tell something had changed. That was clearly really stupid and obviously didn’t happen.
Instead it was the usual B-line to whichever room I wasn’t in, followed by staying there for hours and then getting angry with me the moment I uttered the first words of the day to him.
So I retreat to the only place in the world I feel remotely safe, my bed, to play him saving me over and over again in my imagination, the only place that it’ll ever happen…
Oh dear sweet child mommy loves you so, but mommy is a broken soul.
When tears roll down your cheek, I meet you with hug and a kiss from me.
When mommy’s tears fall, there is no one to meet her at all.
When I need my space and ask you to go play, you say “no way” and I start to feel trapped in this place.
My love for you is so wide and deep, that I do not want you to see the darkness that’s inside of me.
When I can’t get out of bed, I know we all feel the dread.
Some days your sweet little smiles are they only things that make it all worthwhile.
I feel tripped. It feels like I’m in a pitch-black room without windows or doors.
I have no idea how to get myself out of this situation and no one is coming to save me.
Each moment is met with heartache and loneliness.
Nothing I say or do can break through these walls you have build up around me. I had laid the foundation without even realizing what I was doing, but you, you built these walls.
I wish they were built to protect me. But they were built only to crumble with me still inside.
I just want to lay here. I want to forget the anxious thoughts of yesterday, the tears without reason, the tears with reason, my shaking hands, my scars, my to-do list, my desire to feel loved, the emptiness that somehow feels like it’s eating me alive and exist in this moment.
It’s still dark when I’m awoken by the loud unpleasant tones of my alarm, the sense of dread already starts washing over my body like bitter ocean tides. As I try to sit up the piercing headache surges in. I start trying to get dresses but I end up just stumbling around for a few minutes bumping my nightstand or plopping back onto my bed. Once I’m finally completely upright and fully dressed the real overwhelming feelings hit. The feeling of knowing there’s 30 things I need to accomplish before 7am, but I can’t seem to remember/focus on any single one thing. The things I know to do out of habit bring on a great sense of boredom and I start feeling irritated and can feel my muscles start to tighten knowing there’s only more of this to come. I tickle my youngest out of bed or sing an silly annoying song to get my pre-teen to wake up, only to leave their room feeling near tears and already drained of any energy I might have had for the day.
I don’t want to do a single one of they things I do between 5:30am – 7:10am and once my youngest is finally on the bus I return home and collapse into my bed hoping no one need anything from me until at least 3. I feel quite accomplished if I get a load of laundry done or the dishwasher loaded/unloaded during that time.
I try and sleep the days away as much as I can. I’m missing life day in and day out. But the pain of enduring every moment of it is unbearable. I don’t have any hope left, all that’s left is survival.
I’m so angry, but everyone makes me feel like I’m not allowed to be. They all feel like they’re doing so much for me. Therefore, how could I possibly have any anger towards them. I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m constantly tired, I’m overwhelmed and I’m just, sad… But everyone is doing they’re best, which means I must be getting better right? There’s no way what they’re doing is making me feel worse right? There’s no way I feel completely alone and like my heart is being plucked apart of tweezers every second of everyday right?
This week I started a new journey and it evolves around a nasal spray that is supposed to “save my life”.
Spravato a medication approved for adult who suffer from treatment resistant depression and it’s administered in the form of a nasal spray.
I have now completed the ENTIRE list of medications approved to treat anxiety and depression, along with trying mood stabilizers as well.
The trail by fire began at age 16 and has continued into my 30’s now. So much of that time has been spent trying to cope with side effects and negative reactions. I’ve forgotten what its like to not be hit with waves of nausea, breakout in cold sweats and for my hands to be steady.
When Spravato was suggested to me, I was so happy to hear that someone had actually tried to create a medication for “people like me”. I didn’t have high hopes that I would feel amazing after my first treatment(but hey a girl can dream right?), but this was my very last resort, I had to hold onto some hope.
Tuesday morning I signed myself in, walked to my room, spoke with the nurses, tilted my head back at a 45 degree angle and sprayed 1 puff in each nostril, waited 5 minutes and then repeated. The nurses turned off all the lights and closed the window shades(which I can not be more thankful for honestly) and told me they’d be back to check on me in a bit.
The first onset my vision got wavey(literally what it felt like, I was looking at everything while on board a swaying boat), then my body started feeling really heavy and I felt very aware of like every organ and ounce of blood in my body(its hard to explain), then I couldn’t tell what was actually happening and what was just visions swirling around in my head for a few minutes, then I started to tear up a bit because all I wanted in that moment was for someone to be there holding my hand to be an anchor if will, keeping me grounded. Then more strange colors wave in and out of my mind and then it all starts to ease up. By the 30 minute mark the worse seem to be over. By the 2 hour mark(when I was allowed to leave) I felt mostly “okay”. I walked out, got on the elevator and met my husband down stairs who was driving me home, all while thinking I don’t know how I feel. I wasn’t happy or sad, sleepy nor wide awake. That feeling lasted about an hour or so then the overwhelming sadness came flooding in.
I felt like such a burden looking at the paper with all over following appointments for the rest of the month.
There really isn’t any way to “fix” me. I’m broken beyond repair.
I am a heavy paperweight on top my families exciting life story that no one gets to read yet.
I went for my second infusion this morning and the “trip” felt even worse and lasted a bit longer this time. But once that passed I went right back to feeling like myself again(I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or not though).
There are a million thoughts circling in my mind and it’s hard to grab on them just one, but overall the probably the best way to descried how I feel is just sad.
The Life of Jaynehaz 