Mountain Musings of a Lunatic Chick

Finally, couldn’t we just relax and lighten up? When we wake up in the morning, we can dedicate our day to learning how to do this. We can cultivate a sense of humor and practice giving ourselves a break. Every time we sit down to meditate, we can think of it as training to lighten up, to have a sense of humor, to relax. As one student said, “Lower your standards and relax as it is.”

1. No more struggle: “Whatever arises, train again and again in seeing it for what it is. The innermost essence of mind is without bias. Things arise and things dissolve forever and ever. Whatever happens, we can look at it with a nonjudgmental attitude. This is the primary method for working with painful situations.”
2. Using poison as medicine: “When suffering arises, we breathe it in for everybody. This poison is not just our personal misfortune. It’s our kinship with all living things, the seed of compassion and openness. Instead of pushing it away or running from it, we breathe in and connect with it fully. We do this with the wish that all of us could be free of suffering.”
3. Regarding whatever arises as awakened energy: “This reverses our habitual pattern of trying to avoid conflict, trying to smooth things out, trying to prove that pain is a mistake that would not exist in our lives if only we did the right things. This view encourages us to look at the charnel ground of our lives as the working basis for attaining enlightenment.”

This article is excerpted from “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.” © 1997 by Pema Chodron. Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications.

Staying focused with my new affirmation on being able to feel safe, calm & happy in the midst of chaos has brought me to a new understanding of how to do exactly that. My contemplation of this idea took me back to why I have committed to Buddhist practices. I made the commitment because I would like to be able to live this affirmation. To be able to move through the most difficult and trying circumstances feeling happy, even joyful.

I was brought to this place because my current circumstances have left me feeling like I’m drowning, with no end in sight. So the question became how to enjoy this ride. This morning I remembered reading about how there are two kinds of stress, the kind I’ve been experiencing, due to circumstances out of my control and the kind we choose in order to achieve a goal, such as becoming really good at something that requires a commitment to practicing even when it’s uncomfortable – such as getting up in the cold and dark in order to run so we can win a race. The joy we feel in running the race is such that we leave our warm comfortable bed despite the discomfort.

The first kind of stress, the unchosen kind where we just want it to go away, is harmful to our immune system and health and too much of it can lead to disease and chronic health issues. The second kind of stress, the kind we choose, in order to accomplish something important to us, causes no ill health effects and, in fact, studies show, is actually good for us.

…And that’s where I caught a glimpse of the light of understanding! My goal, to be happy in any circumstance, is why I’ve committed to Buddhist practice. So I need to re-frame my view of the seemingly unending list of things I need to do for my parents the same way I would view getting up on a cold, dark winter morning to run, in order to become a faster runner, and enjoy the race.

What will this look like, in real life? I’m not sure, but I hope, when the next new addition to my “to deal with list” comes up, I can remember to think to myself, “this is awesome – let’s see how this goes” and deal with it while wearing a big grin on my face, ‘cause I’m getting just a little bit closer to my goal.

How do I move through chaos and uncertainty and remain calm and happy?

My new mantra – I feel safe, calm & happy even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.

This is the question that has me fervently wishing I had a wise & experienced teacher to spend time with. I intellectually understand that worry over possible future events is, at the least, unhelpful and frequently detrimental, to my quality of life. I could really use some advice about practices that will help me take this intellectual understanding and infuse it into my very being, such that my nervous system becomes less reactive to fearful thoughts about possible future events that I have no way of dealing with – such as my parents running out of money before they die, or needing care that they can’t afford and my paying for puts me at risk of being unable to afford my own care.

I want to have an unwavering trust that whatever happens, I will be able to deal with it. Even if I’m living on the streets at some point. I want to know, in my heart and soul, that nothing matters, even when it matters deeply. That everything is an illusion created by our thoughts, so I can create the illusion of being safe and comfortable in any situation that may arise.

My current practice is to stop during my day, as often as I can remember, and notice that moment, and that in that moment I am actually safe and comfortable. That any fear present is of things that aren’t actually happening and likely won’t happen. If difficult things are actually happening, they will change in a moment, because all experiences are impermanent.

What a week! The first snow storm of the year was forecast to come in last Monday. Not knowing how accurate the local forecast is, I was unsure what to expect. So my plan was to be ready to stay home from Monday on. I was, in fact, kind of looking forward to having an excuse for staying home and having a bit of “down time”.

Heading out to run errands on Sunday, I discover my Subaru has a flat tire. Of course, there are no tire shops open on Sunday. But, no big deal, I have my van and I’m grateful I noticed the flat before leaving my driveway.

Sunday afternoon I’m contacted by the gal doing my Dad’s estate sale, saying she has managed to get their safe opened and will be dropping off what was in it. Mostly coins and coin proof sets, adding finding a trustworthy coin dealer to my list of things to do.

Fortunately, Monday morning the forecast has moved the incoming storms arrival to Tuesday. So I call roadside service, get my flat tire aired up and take the car into a tire shop. Turns out the nail that caused the flat went into the tire in a way that makes it u repairable, and being all wheel drive, I have to buy four new tires. At least now I have great tires if I need to drive in the snow & ice.

Monday night, I’m told we have a buyer for my Dad’s car, so I need to get his signature on the title to finalize the deal. And again my stress rises, due to the approaching storm and not wanting to drive in it. However Tuesday morning arrives without snow, and I gratefully head over to get my Dad’s signature on the pink slip. I drive home through the first falling flakes.

On both Monday and Tuesday mornings I woke up with a scratchy throat, which is common both when I’m experiencing stress and when a sore throat is coming on. Both days I took extra vitamin C and drank water laced with apple cider vinegar, just in case I was coming down with something.

Meantime, I’ve also brought in all the boxes of my Dad’s memorabilia that I had dropped in the garage, so I could get both vehicles into the garage. And, my Dad is asking me to find his binder with all his genealogy research – which I’m sure I brought home early in cleaning out his house – but I can’t find any where. More stress!

I decide it must be in one of the boxes I brought in from the garage, and what better project for being inside during a snowstorm than going through and organizing those boxes. Photos, letters, so many memories! Going through those things really brings home how hard we all try to find our happiness – my grandparents, my parents, my brothers and sister – and how little real happiness any of us actually found.

Now I’m feeling deeply sad for all of us, and I haven’t found the genealogy binder either. I search through my house again for it, but no luck. I decide it must still be at my Dad’s house. And now I’m so stressed I don’t sleep Tuesday night and feel nearly immobile all day Wednesday. Good news is that at least my throat feels normal on Wednesday morning. So Wednesday is pretty much a lost day. I do sleep Wednesday night as I end up taking half of an allergy pill because my sinuses are hurting from the change in air pressure due to the storm moving out – but it’s not good sleep. I wake up Thursday feeling like I’ve been run over by a tractor – another lost day, spent crying on and off for no real reason other than being triggered by all the memories and emotions brought up while going through those boxes of family history.

Friday arrives and I feel worse, so little energy I can barely get out of bed. I feel physically ill as well, as if I am coming down with something. I go back to bed, but can’t relax enough to fall asleep. I sit and focus on allowing all the emotions to surface. To just feel them, without judgement, without wishing they’d go away, or trying to replace them with happy thoughts. To just sit and feel them fully, and I cry and cry and then cry a bit more. My body feels trashed and I still have no energy to even move. It’s the same way I felt after my Mom died and I’m missing her so much.

I decide to go over and look for the genealogy binder at my Dad’s, despite how awful I feel. Partly just to get out of the house to see if that helps me feel better and to drive my car, as it’s been very cold and I don’t want the battery to get drained. No luck finding the binder, so I head home, pull the car into the garage and shut it off. Getting out I realize I’ve pulled in a little too far, making getting into the house awkward, so I get back in the car and turn the key – and nothing but clicks.

So I go in the house and ask the universe to at least help me figure out what I did with the genealogy binder as I am certain I put it somewhere in my house! (and I just need one small thing to be resolved). And I slowly walk through my house, re-checking every where. I get to my craft room and realize I didn’t look in the highest cupboards as it requires a stool to reach – sure enough that’s where it is!

Woke up this morning feeling queasy, likely from the beans in my dinner last night. Digestive upset triggers all kinds of feelings for me, mostly of being alone and scared. I’m learning to allow those feelings and not judge them. When they become overwhelming I do tonglen – the practice of breathing in those feelings for all who are feeling them and then breathing out relief to all. This helps a lot.

Now that the queasiness has eased, I’m find myself thinking about how much I’d like to have a friend or partner who is capable of actually helping me when I’m in need. So far in my life I’ve only had people who either needed me to take care of them and are incapable of giving help or who think cheering me on from the sidelines, saying “you can do this” or “you’ll be OK” constitutes helping me.

I’d like to find out how it feels to have someone who sits with me when I’m feeling overwhelmed and is able to help me work through how best to deal with the situation I find myself in. Or, is capable of simply taking some chores of my plate – like planning a meal or doing the laundry. Or, just gets me out for a walk when I don’t have the energy to get out the door on my own.

My parents move into assisted living this coming week and I’m finding myself frequently vibrating and apprehensive. I don’t understand why. Just taking my Dad to sign the lease papers for the apartment, I felt as nervous as I would if I were making a presentation or going to a job interview. It’s as if I’m waiting for a shoe to drop, nervous and jittery.

Worries I can identify are things I have no control over – my step-mom falling before they get moved, preventing them from moving or my miscalculating how much money they will need and how many years it will last. I didn’t get nervous over my own move here, which was much more involved.

Maybe I’m just overly attached to getting them moved so I can have my own life back. What ever the cause, it’s becoming annoying and I am getting attached to finding a way to making these jitters stop, despite knowing better.

I am working on letting the nervousness be and having faith that whatever happens, I can deal with it. I wish my faith in all things working out was less intellectual and more intrinsic to my being. I find the best I can do is staying aware of my physical states and noticing when the nervousness starts, pausing and noting my reality in that moment – that the reality is – I am fine; my parents are fine; all problems, so far, have been easily resolved; there is every reason to expect all future problems will also be easily resolved. This moment is all there is, or ever will be.

I woke up cold, which triggers fear in me. Or maybe fear makes me feel cold. If I had paid attention to my eating, perhaps I could have attended to my growing anxiety. Eating too many M&M’s last night was a clue.

So I’m sitting here overwhelmed, shivering and running for the bathroom at 5 a.m. I can only guess at the root of the fear that is overwhelming me. I’m alone, not even friends nearby I can call on for help. I will soon be in charge of selling my parent’s house and most of their belongings as they will be going to assisted living soon, if they pass their health evaluations. This is a good thing, if it happens, I hope. As best as I can tell, they can afford it, so they are trusting me to be right about that. What if I’m not?

Finding my parents in need of so much more help than I expected knocked me for a loop and kept me off balance for the past couple of months. Between the stress of never knowing when I’d have time for me, trying to get moved & unpacked and getting all the extra chores done, my body hurt all the time. This made getting anything, beyond the necessary, done, nigh impossible. So I learned from my friend Charmain, to make getting ME better, a priority. She has found good help with physical ailments, doctors can’t help with, by going to naturopath’s and holistic healers.

I decided to follow her lead and did a search for holistic healing in Carson. Boom! I found a massage therapist who is also a nurse, and had my first session with her last Thursday. I have felt better than I have since my move since then. My back pain, which has been constant and the main thing preventing me from doing what I enjoy, has subsided considerably, allowing me to walk for hours without then spending the rest of the day unable to get up from a chair without excruciating pain.

That internet search also led me to seeing that studies are showing acupuncture is effective in helping with arrhythmia. Next door to my massage therapists office is an acupuncturist, so I will be making an appointment with them soon.

As is my usual habit, I keep worrying about spending all that money. But I have been giving away more money than this will cost, every year, to charity. If I want to be healthy and feel good enough to do the things I enjoy, including being involved with the charities I give to, then I need to spend this money. Living my life in pain and sitting in a recliner isn’t a life I want to live.

The life I want to live is vibrant and energetic. One where I wake up happy and looking forward to my day. One where I fall asleep tired, mentally & physically. I sleep well and wake up happy…

I haven’t written about Tom in a long time – years it’s been. He and I are friends now. Seems so odd that our friendship happened, when thinking back on how painful the first years of our relationship were – at least for me. I can’t say how it may have felt for him, perhaps just as painful. Our being friends now is because of him – for some reason he never completely let me go, he’d just drop back into my life periodically. I’m glad he did as I still like him and greatly enjoy his company.

I could say I’ve forgiven him, but it’s more that I’ve learned I can’t know what is in another person’s head or what their intentions might be. That my interpretation of their actions is bound to be completely flawed and inaccurate. I can never know why he said and did the things that hurt me so much that I wanted to lash out and hurt him back. The pain I felt was rooted in my life and who I was, and had little to do with him. As were the things he said and did were rooted in his life and who he was and really didn’t have anything to do with me.

The roots of the pain I feel, come from growing up in a home where love and affection were completely missing. I am still pretty much of an emotional cripple because I don’t know how to express my emotions, nor do I know what to expect from others or how to react to the emotions they express. Consequently, I appear to others as if I’m completely self sufficient and have no deep feelings, and don’t need anyone. At this point in my life I suspect I will remain alone for not only these reasons, but also because, since menopause, I no longer feel the desire for physical intimacy.

The pain and discomfort that my early relationship with Tom brought me was also one of the catalyst for my search for a path, which brought me to buddhist practices. As my teacher, Ani Pema says, you don’t learn while sitting in your comfort zone, you only learn when you’re in the challenge zone. It’s so interesting to me how this most difficult relationship brought so much good into my life and enabled me to deal with the new and even more difficult challenges I’ve faced since then. As well as helping me understand myself better. And, I have a cherished friend I’ll forever be grateful for..

This past week I’ve had two nights with little sleep. The second night I was almost asleep when I suddenly felt scared. Not in my mind, but in my body. I stayed with the fear, without a story, just feeling it and noticing how it felt in my body. This fear kept me awake, despite my not having a clue as to what I was fearful of – perhaps of being sick and alone? I’ve had a couple of strong, long-lasting arrhythmia’s and those have scared me as they are so different than the ones I’ve experienced in the past. I’m also alone in Carson, there’s no one I can call on for help if I need it. I’m also afraid of seeing a doctor and their wanting me to have invasive tests or recommending surgery – again more due to no one to be with me or to help while I recover.

After having a long conversation with a friend, I started thinking maybe this fear is old and just now working it’s way to the surface. This wasn’t an idea he suggested, but it arose from having someone listen to me, so I could hear my thoughts out loud. After our talk I decided to spend some time focusing my mind on this fear to see what came up.

What came up was how scared and afraid I was as a child. Adults terrified me – my parents, my teachers, my grandparents. There was no one in my life I felt I could ask help from, or who ever showed any interest in my well-being. If I was good, I was ignored. If I was the least bit less than perfect I was yelled at and criticized. I hid in my room and read books and listened to music. My only friend was my brother Dave, who wound up far more messed up than me.

I couldn’t wait to grow up and get away, be on my own and have charge of my own life. I felt completely confident that I could take care of myself. And I was right. Out of the house and on my own at 17, and I never looked back. Whatever life threw at me I handled with optimism. So where did she go? Where did that confidence and optimism go?

In thinking about how many years I lived in fear – and the fear of authority stayed with me into my early twenties, I think it is surfacing now that I’m opening up and allowing feelings to be. All that fear was pushed down so I could survive and now I need to feel it fully so that it can be released. I need to feel it so I can help others feeling fear. I need to feel it so it becomes familiar and I recognize it for what it is and can sit with it whenever it arises.

Buddhism says that what gets reincarnated are your propensities. So the key to a good reincarnation is for your habitual tendencies to be open heartedness and compassion and the ability to notice when habitual patterns hinder your ability to care for others.

My life in Carson is beginning to settle down. My Dad and I are figuring out a semi-routine for the help they need, so I’m not having to jump and run so often. I’ve found a mental state of being that helps me stay calm when I do need to jump and run for something unexpected. I have found my stress comes mostly from old thought patterns. Patterns that say I must find friends and join groups and be a volunteer. My past experiences suggest that it takes about 10 yrs in a new place to make real friends and I’m not sure I will want to live here that long if I’m not needed by my parents.

To avoid falling back into those habitual patterns has led me to start thinking of this time in my life as a service retreat. Meaning that I intend to be alone except when doing things my parents need help with and those things I need to do for self care. I hope this mindset will help me to relax into life and simply allow it to unfold. To strengthen my faith that whatever comes I can deal with it and enjoy it.

It is my new intention to add short meditation periods to my daily life, 20 to 30 minutes, whenever I feel too tired to do anything else. I’m also considering re-reading the Buddhist books that have resonated most with me and take notes this time as I go through each one. As well as to re-watch both of the Pema Chodron retreats I’ve attended on-line, making notes as I go. I think doing this will help me continue to integrate the teachings so they become more an internal, physical “knowing” than just intellectual ideas. I hope to train my mind to automatically respond to life with curiosity, compassion for myself and others and with kindness toward all beings.

Can I move onto longer states of being each day and shorter states of wanting? Can I wallow in the beauty around me? Can I relax into each day and simply do that which has to be done and let the rest go if time and energy aren’t sufficient to do more?

I HOPE SO!

Much is changing in my life. I’ve moved to Carson City in order to be close enough to be of help to my Dad and step-Mom as they move into their 90’s. I’m also finding all these years of meditation have actually shifted my responses to life in ways I’m able to perceive.

My move has gone smoothly and the hiccups that have occurred, haven’t created any great stress in me. This has included two drives to Carson and back to Flagstaff, once with my niece, and one flight from Reno to Flagstaff and then a drive from Flag to Carson.

Rentals are nearly non-existent in Carson City, at any price, yet I found what looks to be the nearly “perfect” house, in my price range, and it’s big enough that I can easily host guests (which are ready lining up to visit me this summer). The first rental I found was OK, but I didn’t feel good about the place or the landlord. Having the faith to walk away from it was hard, but I took a deep breath and did. A few days later, the property manager I’d contacted before moving, called about the place I’ve rented!

While taking the on-line retreat with my teacher Pema Chodron, on Living Purposefully and Dying Fearlessly. I’ve found some of the teachings that I already knew, suddenly seemed to become fully integrated into me, rather than just being things I knew intellectually. I had heard about teachers “transmitting” knowledge to their students when they were “ready”, but never quite knew what that meant. It always sounded kind of mysterious and mystical. I think what I experienced was a transmission. It felt like a sudden “knowing”. I can’t say exactly what it is that I now “know” but I feel fairly certain it’s why I’ve been able to move through this transition without much stress.

I find I’m finally able to catch myself in the earliest stages of reacting in a habitual manner and am then able pay attention to the labels and stories I start to weave into the situation, or sometimes I can even stop myself, before I’ve added a storyline, and then just be curious about what might come next, or simply focus on feeling the feeling, where I feel it, how it feels… Amazingly, whatever I’m feeling goes away quite quickly, as if my mind becomes bored when there’s no story making involved, and moves on to other things. Just as it does when I’m meditating and trying to stay focused on my breath – my mind decides to go anywhere but focus on the object I’ve chosen to focus on.

Every second of every day, we have the option to begin again.

I make my “resolutions” on my birthday each year, so do not make New Year resolutions. During this morning’s meditation one of my “wandering” thoughts was of setting intentions for 2020. So here they are:

• To do my best to stay in touch with myself so I am aware of my thoughts and feelings as they arise.
• To do my best to not add to the suffering in the world.
• To do my best to add to the joy and happiness of everyone I encounter.
• To do my best to take sanctuary in the Dharma rather than in my habitual ways of avoiding the unpleasant places my mind takes me.
• To continue learning, practicing and integrating mindfulness into my daily life.

Beginning again does not mean we have made an error. It is the HEART of the practice. NOT a deviation from it. -Jon Kabat-Zinn