mindlesslog

There’s something so intriguing about James Blunt’s song, You’re Beautiful.To me its so controversial yet, so eloquent. Songs with lyrics have alot of meaning to me. It takes one through a journey, just like a book. Each time, you take a different meaning from it. Just like everything in life. You can be on the same boat, but your tied together otherwise. So as i sit here, listening to James Blunt’s song….i’m lost in the lyrics. Why is it that when your so honest to people, they go and tear it apart? And they don’t even care. Will they ever change?

After quite a tormenting day, i’ve brought myself to try and write something that might help me make sense of things. Because of late, nothing seems to be making sense and the more i try and understand stuff, the more confused i feel. If i can be totally honest, i dont know i feel. I just feel so numb. I woke up today morning, with the worst headache ever, it felt like my head was being split open…it still does as a matter of fact. I dont quite get what i’m trying to say myself, but somewhere in these lines, i might figure it out. Can’t say i can count on it though. Last night, i just wanted it all to disappear. Wishing i could go back. But its not that easy, its never been easy. You try so hard, and no one gets it. People promise you that they’ll always be there for you, but they never are.

It’s funny, how blusher is so popular among girls and how people envy rosy cheeks. Well, I couldn’t disagree more. I’m a blusher, and for quite a large chunk of my life blushing has affected me in quite a negative way. Some people might not see the severity of it well, there’s nothing severe about it you could say, and I guess I was quite shy. But what was I shy of? Compliments? Or did I just feel embarrassed? Talking about my fear of blushing is quite a sensitive and personal thing for me because it is something that I have no control over. I’d have friends and other class mates thinking I’ve gone all shy, or I’m just being awkward and when they would point it out I would feel psychologically and emotionally violated but I’d go along with it and laugh it off. But I’d blush even more and then they’d say “oh look, your blushing” as if I didn’t know! I think a lot of people might just believe that its nothing, but I personally don’t think its nothing and I feel like it’s something that should be addressed. I knew a lot of people who would tell me they’d love to be able to blush and I’d wish I could let them blush for me like that would ever happen. There is a lot of irony because I come across as a really confident person and when I tell people I am a shy person, they don’t tend to buy it. So the whole blushing phenomenon is probably a lot more complex in reality and I guess I may never understand it in its entirety, in terms of its significance to me. After quite awhile of worrying about blushing I’ve now come to terms with it, and ive accepted that I easily blush. I just thought I would put this out there, for anyone who might stumble across this and relate to it, know that it’s just a part of you.

Today was another day that bore some painful memories, painful being a word that doesn’t even justify the emotions I went through. Although, now I’m just simply recalling what happened on the day, but the wounds still seem as fresh as if it’s a firsthand account. I could swear I can still feel the breeze of when I was being driven along the highway, the window was open, but it wasn’t as chilly as it was earlier that morning. Because I remember waiting in a large queue for the Boxing Day sales. I stood there shivering behind these two girls, who seemed drunk. Laughing and joking around, trying to kill time until the queue’s had shortened. After getting back from the sales, I recall having a cup of tea, nice and sweet just as I like it. Shortly after, there was a long phase of me bursting into tears crying and pleading, it had worked. I still recall now, the breeze along that highway, the windows were drawn down, and as I had been rehearsing lines days before, my mind had seemed blank, I kept trying to think straight and trying to remember what I would say and how I would say it. Then the journey was over and I was right there, at that double glazed door, which bore an inbuilt glass design (one I cannot recall at this moment). Throughout the journey I seemed quite calm and collected (not so much in my mind). As I walked through that door, I was crying again. I couldn’t control the tears, because of everything I seemed to fear.

Something i wrote a while back, just thought i’d share it.

Every December the year is near, but it doesn’t get any clear, so I’m constantly sat there shedding tears because at the back of my mind lingers a fear. Then the New Year comes and I can hear all the cheering. But it’s always the same story and life seems to have lost all its glory. I keep playing it back but it’s so hard because everyone seems to be off track and there’s no way back. It’s not so easy when all you seem to be doing is burning embers and trying to chase out Decembers.

Here’s to December a month that tells it all.

Abit of a rambly post:

Sometimes I’ll go off into a large garden full of flowers and sometimes I’ll just reminiscence in the snow that used to fill my back garden. I seem to recall the snow men that I made, standing there in the blistering cold as my snowman grew and grew. Now, a few too many years later. I look back and think how vain that was. Vain it maybe to me now, but the excitement and magic used to fill the air. Now as I look at the window all I can see is a dark evening and it’s only half six. I sit here wondering how it all changed and I realize how everything I have lost is lost. Sometimes, I wonder whether I might have lost my mind. I can sit there for hours planning what I want to do with my life and even spelling it out for myself to the day when I’ll get so much closer to my dream. But the days seem to fly by, and I seem to feel like I’m slipping through some kind of net. Nothing seems to be going in the direction that I am facing but, if I were to turn back I’d still be no where nearer. As I sit here now praying that my next piece of creative writing will be published so that in a particular city someone may get to read it. A story that will forever linger at the back of my mind, as once again I recall a snowy December. All I can say is that I miss the days I would just sit there and start to paint a blank canvas. Today, I’m sat here picking out emblem’s. A certain emblem that seems to be held in pride, even though you’ve been counting down the years. Some stories are forever told, but why is it that they never get any clearer or am I just getting nowhere nearer. I guess all I can say is all that I know is I don’t know. So why is it that I seem to know but not know?

Sometimes, it feels as though whichever way I go I’ll end up at a dead end. Nothing seems to make a difference. It feels like I’m trapped constantly faking laughter, forcing smiles when inside I feel as though I’m breaking apart. I don’t tend to let anyone get the better of me and let me feel down but sometimes life just really doesn’t go in the direction that I want it to go. Now, I don’t know where I want to go. I just feel like I need to pour it all out. Pre judgment’s and assumptions seem to be thrown my way. And I’m stood there wondering why. Guards and high walls don’t seem to make a difference. In fact right at this moment nothing seems to. But I’ve reached a conclusion and now at 10.39pm, on the 29^th of October 2011 with my tangled thoughts I’ve made a pact which is, to excel no matter what.

My second post of the day and they say lightning doesn’t strike twice (lol). Just felt like rambling!!