letting down

Sometimes I get sad. That memory comes back to me, for a while it was occupying my mind my body my disbelief. And i brought my story to practicum with the therapist and the 10 students. mostly i stared up at the ceiling, I was shaking, and I cried. I think it's been a long time since I've cried. people really held it with me, one guy was twitching. One guy said as people were saying "I long to have you with something better, you deserve better" (this is the same comment that everyone jumps into and i know this but this doesn't deal with the wreck and the pain and the mess put on my story) So one guy said "I feel like I want to defend her from these comments" and that wording felt so good. i think my pain has been like in "who will defend me?" "Who even knows this story up here?" That was such a tramatic thing that happened. sometimes i have flickers of scenes. in such disbelief at the face. and the face way back then and the things promised. And the face when it denied me and turned on me and argued and denied me.

And like this relief to think God that's what i want or that's what i'm left with, what i stand alone in: Who will defend me? And how it feels to have someone who said he would defend me do a thing to harm me, do a thing to leave me, and even in our last argument to have him watch me flitch around and to let me fall. right in front of him.

am i mad because he took responsibility for almost like no part? Probably partly but I'm also just still mad.

after sharing i feel small, and that feels good. i feel defenseless. i think i've blamed myself gone over and over the scenes and where i was wolfed. i mourn what i didn't say, but now i just mourn that that occured right in my story, the shame i feel like it was to give that back to me. The shame.

But now in a small way i feel like i walked myself away from the scene holding my own hand in a new way. just sad and with myself.

it still bothers me.

I am mad. There is nothing for me to do. But I'm mourning it. That was such a defying thing. such an undoing thing. such a slap in my face.

I care that that happened. Who else cares? Who else will care?

That was such a violent situation.

I had to funeral my whole conception of what that relationship was. How awful to tear out a page and discard. but flashbacks had come back to me, and I'd whince, feeling almost touched by the memory of what I thought was genuinely given to me, and how awful to run over me. How awful that I stayed. How mistrusting do i need to be now?

What was the mast of that which I gave?

What does it mean that my words were wasted? I am just starting to mourn that. not that I didn't do something write/say something write, but that I kept trying to defend and explain and prove myself to someone who kept denying me/anihilating me. Who maybe liked to watch me fall?

I am so moved my rilke. My dear Rilke, how you speak it, how you speak the Lord.

"I love you, gentlest of Ways,

who ripened us as we wrestled with you.

You the great homesikness we could never shake off,

you, the forest that always surrounded us,

you the song we sang in very silence,

your dark net threading through us"

...

I, 25

If I had grown you in some generous place--

if my hours had opened in ease--

I would make you a lavish banquet.

My hands wouldn't clutch at you like this,

so needy and tight."...

"I'm the one you's been asking you--

it hurts to ask--Who are you?

I am orphaned

each time the sun goes down.

I can feel cast out from everything

and even churches look like prisons.

That's when I want you--

you knower of my emptiness,

you unspeaking partner to my sorrow--

that's when I need you, God, like food...

II, 4

Yesterday October 13th....

What will this day bring? I began. Feeling a particular held drape to it.

Went to Pike's Place and took photos for a photjournal project me and my group are doing, on hunt for "genuine encounter" and I-Thou moments. We talked with the banjo player, I stood behind gasping children and an old man who was playing with the fish with them. And tall men in big orange trousers singing and throwing fish at each other. we talked with the girl in the cafe she was talking about race and growing up being mixed, and we talked about our project with her.

God it felt so good, the first time I had started a day like that in Seattle.

and the rain finally came that day.

And I kept remembering. Wow it was October 13 2002 I fell out of my Attic, i had my first cup of coffee then I was so amped I fell out of my attic hurrying my way down out of my room, missing the ladder. I was thinking about that as my fall. The beginning of a fall of that year.

Cutting my long hair, dating that guy where i felt hostage and isolated and doing things not me. And the years after of making my way back, the shattering that was. and eventually the surrounding that came with Jesus.

So that night I got fired from Zoka, the cafe. And I had felt it coming. The writing was on the wall and I was getting upset at how I was being treated. no one seeming to care about. Throwing me in on the job, needing to count my till within 15 min, everything messy in teh back they never had the penny rolls for instance so you'd look on the floor and find one sole used one and reuse it.

it was feeling hectic, and even at the meeting last week my manager was cussing and stuff. Something felt subtley violent about the whole thing. i didn't feel seen. yet i was proud. I work at Zoka! everyone knew and theirmouth would drop. YOu work at Zoka?

And a mile away, etc, the good music they played, the Smiths, MJ, Bon Iver. IT felt so much like the loRD gave it to me. but i was feeling stretched, not one day off this whole last month. iwas feeling the tension.

So another kind of fall.

Got fired. Came home cried went to CrossFit.

And 7 years ago i had my first cup of coffee and fellout of the attic. And 7 years ago i met Julia and I met Theresa, dear friends who have carried me, Julia who we reunited last year after so many years apart (And both had found JC in those missed years)

And then this year Julia had her baby, and I"m the God mom, and Theresa died, these two girls I met that same year I fell out of the attic.

This feels like a start to a new cycle. I can't believe still that I"m in SEattle. I have gotten my edgey black hoodie which i adore, with the zipper and the snaps. I got my jean denim levi jacket. I got my boots today that insole. its raining so hard today!

And i feel Theresa today in a pleasure way in her glad i got these boots, i keep seeing boots im imagining she had with little wool balls and on a string. She had so many good wool sweaters, she knew so well how to bundle. I feel her here more than anything. i'ts been so hard to be away and be dislocated. to be this island of molly no body knows much about me, i feel like there is so much it could fill a ship and the ship would sink. And i talk to my loved ones but they are all over there. And i am here. but today i felt theresa. i feel her knowing i am here, seeing me. I think she is the only one seeing me right now.

I thought yesterday october 13th, oh this is like a redemption, this is like the restore. Returning my boots to Macy's (ThankGod) and doing chores downtown and talking to Tibi on the phone about how I'm thinking of doing the Psych degree and her getting it. "yeah baby that is what you love" how all the time that's all we did me and Tibi talking and talking it out chewing it. ruminating it. following each other's heart trails , like sitting in the mud and possibility with each other

the lake

Jesus You are Lover. You are such a great lover.

To think you brought me to GreenLake, the Epic and emmense and glorious lake. I have never seen such a beautiful thing. I can't take my eyes off it when I go down, and it is just a block a way, and I can't turn away, like what people do at the ocean. Me I never could get into the ocean not sure why, I think it was too chaotic or cold or unpredicatable or clashing and turning over. But this lake is still. oh my god the L*Rd actually

You lead me beside quiet waters.

You restoreth my soul

doing this. a sanctuary. the best park i could dream of i could dream of. Walking around it and so many people of all nationalities and ages and strollers and rollerbladers and the water so still so still so still and dancing too light shimmering sparkling "how did I get here?" in my head, out of my wonder. and so much grass and trees. like my favorite park in Santa cruz where i would go and sit somedays even leave work in panic and walk accross the bridge, and the ducks were there. The ducks like my grammpa took me as a little thing and we'd feed the ducks. so ducks make me feel safe and like Santa Venetia and time with my grampa. So ducks are at this big open park by the lake and grass and big generous trees.

And I said to myself "this is what Heaven is like" and felt for the second time ever, ok the third to be specific, a real "kingdom of heaven is near" and touching of heavenly realm into earth. I could just feel it, Wow God Nature like this wonderful is going to be heaven, and heaven might just be here " a new heaven and a new earth" and the idea of god coming down here and garden restored. Well in this lake, by this lake I could feel Wow Nature is going to be in heaven, it's going to feel this good, it's going to feel so good. And how being by such a majesty thing makes reveals him. I don't think I've ever been taken like this.

This morning on my heart was Lord you are lover. You are lover.

Seattle

Wow. I am in Seattle. Living in Seattle hasn't fully sunk in, I suspect. The first week was overwhelm, Joann and I ventured in and out of the city, trips to Target, finding the grocery store was overwhelming. Then School, and orientation all day, and school by night. I remember sitting in Dan's Allendar class and he was going off and it was so crazy good and brilliant I couldn't quite take it all in. Anyway, I laughed really loud at one point (as I"m known to do) and then I looked around and it hit me, it hit me "wow No one knows my laugh here" and I felt so alone. 'Oh my gosh, nobody knows my laugh"

And it was so surreal, like everywhere i go like vintage and like my housemates and in any audience I will make my big laugh. It was stunning. absolutely no one knows my laugh.

and it was still

praise be

Last night the best night
Home in the kitchen, Liz getting her lesson plans ready for the week, Our macs side by side, me burning my driving music.
Tibi came home
And Lauryn's "To Zion" came on and we danced to it together, swinging our arms, reveling in the words:
Unsure of what the balance held
I touched my belly overwhelmed
By what I had been chosen to perform
But then an angel came one day
Told me to kneel down and pray
For unto me a man child would be born
But everybody told me to be smart
Look at your career they said,
"Lauryn, baby use your head"
But instead I chose to use my heart

Now the joy of my world is in Zion
Now the joy of my world is in Zion

How beautiful if nothing more
Than to wait at Zion's door
I've never been in love like this before
Now let me pray to keep you from
The perils that will surely come
See life for you my prince has just begun
And I thank you for choosing me
To come through unto life to be
A beautiful reflection of his grace
For I know that a gift so great"

So good, and words of coming into Zion. And wondering if God is taking me into his New Land, if this move and love and change is for coming to Zion. (Like my God mom once said earlier this year, in wonder if this would be the someday New Land)

So we were dancing.

Then amazingly, Tibi found a way to maybe work out the conflict with Liz. I had been praying this in the bathroom and in my house. Liz was almost to move out, and I was talking to them both one by one. I said to T "What if there was an option J" and a sweet "Oh yeahness" was coming to turn. Its like the whole situation was turning. So Liz might stay. I'm so happy.

And then Juan came over, Tibi and Juan and I made a video to The Fugees.

Then i went to bed, astounding night. I woke up happy lighter. Forgetting what day it was, then realizing Wow, THIS is the day.

Last days Santa Cruz

Friday:
My last day of work yesterday, finally the anxiety lifted and heart pains stopped.

Then fixing my car, fixing the top. How ironic the same day!

Ramona's--thats my car- Convertible Top fixed.
Freedom from jOb and freedom for my car!

Driving with the top down with Liz my new roomie down East Cliff. And the song Umbrella came on, a reMix. i love this song one of my favorites. A song from 07 that I loved. that always makes me feel so invincible and found and loved and like all things are possible.
It goes:
"That's when you need me there,
When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella"

Went to Crow's Nest. Had the best meal. Came home top down busting MJ, "Bad"
So happy with the top down!
feeling all so heroic.
stayed up with Liz dancing to hip-hop on her itunes. She has the best stuff. dream for my ipod.

Went to kickbo with Liz the next day and had the best morning at Walnut cafe after.


Rae
Had the funnest latest night with Rae. Came with anxiety and heart hurting, but brought tea Roibois Chai for her birthday. and chocolate mouse. Her brother Glen stood in the middle of the room and started ripping on the guitar. I picked up Sean's violin and started playing with Glen. It had been months since I played

Then Rae grabbed a book of Alice and Chains sheet music and we all played this dark beautiful song and Rae sang and I tried to keep up with the chords.

Then Rae and I stayed up till 2 am watching You tube music videos of Alice and Chains and Nirvana and 90s videos and clips of "My So Called Life".

Vintage
had a good good bye at vintage