Virtual Pitching: Help for the Pitch-phobe (Guest Post with John Alarid)

Today, I welcome my friend, screenwriter & Emmy Award-winning Writer for KNBC News, John Alarid. John has worked for NBC Studios in Burbank, California for almost 34 years. He has a long list of Golden Mike and Emmy Award nominations for working on numerous award-winning series and documentaries. His skills and talents have also been recognized by the Los Angeles Press Club.



As a journalist, John has covered a wide range of stories: the O.J. Simpson trial, drive-by shootings, bar brawls, witch cults and satanic ceremonies and cattle mutilations. His love for broadcast news, conspiracy and science fiction are what motivated him to pick up the pen and create a unique blend of true life, “what-if” conspiracy thrillers based on his personal experiences while covering topical news stories and events.



"My fascination with sci-fi thrillers began the summer of 1963 when I had my first “X-File” encounter," John says. "I was 13-years-old when I saw a UFO near Pan-Tex, a nuclear bomb assembly plant located in the Texas Panhandle. Since then I've been involved with hundreds of UFO related stories. In one incident, film shot of a UFO was requested by Air Force for further investigation. The film was never returned. Air Force authorities claimed they never received it. 



"My most enlightening “X-File” experience event occurred in 1974. Stanley Marsh III, a Texas billionaire and owner of KVII-TV, asked me and my crew to stay after sign-off one night. My assignment was to assist some political activists make videotapes of a bootlegged copy of what turned out to be the Zapruder film. I found out that the activists had obtained the footage from supposedly a disgruntled CIA Agent fled up with the cover-up of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. The stories shared that evening were considered “Classified.” I tell their story in my screenplay, A KODAK MOMENT."

I met John years ago when we were both Second Rounders in the Austin Heart of Film Screenwriting Contest. I reconnected with him again last year at the InkTip Pitch Fest in Burbank. We keep tabs on each other every so often, cheerleading & giving support when needed. When John told me about Virtual Pitching (something I had never heard about before), I was intrigued. He very generously agreed to share his experience with my readers. So... Hee-e-e-e-ere's John!

*******

"Go ahead. Pitch me."

Pitching is something I’ve never had to seriously deal with, that is until just recently. In fact, for me, it’s been one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever done.

Talking to deal makers, shakers and players in person has never been easy for me.  I become very uncomfortable and extremely nervous whenever I do.  For whatever reason, I always felt uncomfortable during interviews or whenever I’ve had to sit across a suit-type person. 

Thanks to e-mails, I’ve been able to avoid the pitch process. In most cases, I just e-mailed my log lines and pitches, and hoped for the best.

The First Pitch

Last spring I attended my first pitch festival.  For me, it turned into a weekend disaster.  The basic idea of the InkTip Pitch Summit I attended was that you had three minutes to pitch your ideas. It was supposed to be similar to speed dating. There were about 200 agents and producer types crammed into a huge conference hall. Every three minutes four to five hundred hungry screen writers swarmed the room turning it into what look like an eating frenzy.

For me, it was terrible. It was chaotic, extremely loud, and impersonal. I couldn’t hear myself talk, it was disorganized, and to make matters worth there were several times when there was no one at the table to pitch my material to. Other than reconnecting with some former writing companions, the pitch fest was a waste of my time and $650 dollars. That was my experience. (Ami's note: For a slightly different perspective, check out "Tips for Surviving the Pitch Session." I actually liked the chaos...)

The Pitch Problem

This year, I found myself with a whole new realization of myself.   I had grown as a writer and as much I hated to, I needed to step up to plate and learn to pitch.  So I signed up for Fade In’s “Concept to Sale Conference.”  The first day of conference was supposed to have workshops to help us develop our pitching skills. The following day we would apply what we had learned during an all-day pitch festival where the pitches would be seven minutes long.

I figured seven-minute pitches would be much easier for me to do than the three-minute ones. So I signed up. However, through a fateful twist of events, a few days before the conference, things changed. A booking problem with the hotel forced the last forty that registered to be dropped from the conference.

For a few moments the thought of not attending was a real relief. But then I was offered admittance to the 16th Hollywood Pitch Festival in July. Plus I was given five Skype on-line pitches to the Hollywood On-Line Pitch Festival Virtual Pitch Fest that had been scheduled for the same weekend as the “Concept to Sale Conference.”

The Pitch Solution

So needless to say, I snatched up the deal and spent three days rehearsing my pitches.  And I’m sure glad that I did. I had up to ten minutes for each pitch.  It turned out to be a superior pitch session compared to my experience with the previous pitch fest I attended last spring.

On-line pitching is the way to go.  It's one-on-one.  There is nobody around except you and the agent and/or the producers. There were a couple times when I had to be rescheduled for another time and day. But other than that, it was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. I pitched my material to ICM, WME, Robert Evans Company, Tower Hill Entertainment and the Brogan Agency. 

And guess what? All of my pitches turned out to be successful. ICM wants my rock 'n rolling romantic comedy The Road to Shambala. WME wants to see my kick-ass adventure film Blue Coats: The Whitecloud Chronicles.  And the Robert Evans Company and Tower Hill want those two along with my pulse-pounding thriller, A Kodak Moment. 

And although, the Brogan Agency was a no show, they did contact me several days later and apologized for cancelling out. They had some technical problems with their Internet provider.  So, they ask me to send them one of my scripts.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I sure was blessed with a bouquet of four leaf clovers.  I’m now reviewing and tweaking my material before I submit them.  I’ll keep you posted.

Austin Film Festival -- Contemplating Karma

(From Friday's Festival Musings)

So...

I'm at the AFF, sitting in the lobby of the Driskill, talking to Tim, the director / producer of My Run, which screens tonight (and which has a gung-ho promotional team, by the way), when this guy comes and sits on the couch next to me and starts talking to the woman at the other end.

It was one of those odd serendipitous things, when you realize that you have been a good person, and the universe is smiling upon you, and God has granted you a boon for the day.

You see, when I work on a script or a book, I actively engage in Dream Casting -- sometimes to an alarming degree. My studio walls will often rival the most obsessed fan's as I surround myself with pictures and clippings of my dream team (especially my principals). My husband is a longsuffering and understanding sort, thank heaven!

The script for Against the Wind is no exception to my regular working rule. I wrote it with my "perfect cast" clearly in mind. (Which, I realize, has little to no bearing on reality, and which will carry next to no weight when it actually comes time to cast the thing. But I've never been a big fan of reality, so it has little bearing on my life.)

The guy who joins us on the couch looks SO freaking much like my Ideal Lead for ATW, it was like God dropped him in my lap. So I finish up my talk with Tim and introduce myself (which I do to everyone anyway). Turns out he's an Austin-based actor who is a Festival volunteer.

So we got to talking. I talked about the script, and this guy is practically made for the part.

He ran track in college.
He grew up doing 4-H.
He even has a (get this) degree in Agriculture.
He's got the build, the athleticism, and looks enough like a younger Dick Beardsley to be weirdly spooky.

I talked with him and his friend Stephanie (a screenwriter with my darkly comic sensibilities -- we discussed the more hilarious aspects of her competition script that features a serial killer... but I digress) for over an hour. We watched clips of the 1982 Boston Marathon on YouTube, checked out Dick's website, and exchanged cards.

You just never know what might happen. But I like to believe in things like Poetic Justice and Karma. I like to think that if I lead a good life and write a good script, that great things will happen both to me and to my projects. Call me naive, but it beats believing that you've got to have a heart of stone or sell your soul to make it in this business.

I take my encouragement and find divine inspiration anywhere I can. So when someone who looks exactly like the lead I've envisioned sits next to me and we strike up a conversation about the project I'm working on, I choose to believe that can only mean one thing: Good Things Will Happen With This Script.

After all -- why believe in chance? Fate is so much more interesting...

The Quotable Austin Film Festival -- Friday

or, Words of Wisdom from the Masters

Marvin Acuna (Rainmaker Films)

On Re-Writing and Motivation…

“Write your masterpiece so you can give some other screenwriter the opportunity to rewrite it.”

“If you sell it, it’s not yours anymore. You have to let it go. Get over the fact that it will be re-written, and start writing something else.”

“The idea of a writer’s Catch-22 (you can’t get optioned without representation, and you can’t get representation without being optioned) is because you are being lazy. You keep thinking that way, and some day you’re going to be 90 years old and on your deathbed, whining that ‘I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do because someone didn’t do it for me.’”

“Imagine a wall that separates you from your dream of a screenwriting career. You can let it keep you out and beat you. Or you can decide to somehow get to the other side. You can chisel it down, dig underneath, climb over, blast through… But do whatever it takes to get to the other side.”

“You can direct your career if you choose to.”

Jeff Graup (Producer / Manager)

(Jeff has been one of the most consistently helpful panelists in the sessions I have attended. His rapid-fire answers to questions are wry, candid, spot-on, and practical. He repeatedly preaches the “Be Nice To People” mantra. I would LOVE to have him as my manager… Note to self: See what you can do…)

On Re-Writing – “I extract movies from my writers painfully, as if the pages are stapled to their bodies.”

Other Words of Wisdom from the How to Sell Your Spec Script panel:

On Readers’ Notes…

“If the reader is not getting the story you are telling, you are not doing your job.”

“Look underneath the note for the underlying problem that needs fixing.”

“Do not defend your writing. Do not argue. Merely take notes and ask “Why?” a reader feels something is unclear. Anything you feel the need to explain or defend, write down. Then put it in the script.”

Herschel Weingrod (Screenwriter / Producer)

On Storytelling…

“To want to be a writer of screenplays is to want to be a co-pilot.”

“Comedy is usually tragedy that happens to other people.”

“People say you should write what you know about. I think you should write what you care about.”

On Pitching, Script Marketing, and the Way the World Works…

“Writing a screenplay is an act of seduction. The script is intended to invite people to want to make the movie.”

“The problem with Hollywood is, nearly everyone knows the alphabet. The executives don’t know the first thing about lighting, or acting, or set design, or sound… Critiquing the words on a page is their way of contributing to a project.”

“If you actually follow (an executive’s) notes in the next draft, they will hate the re-write.”

“It’s a corporate movie business and corporate entertainment. The writer is essentially in ‘New Product Development.’ It is now a part of our job to discuss marketing and demographics, and to sell the execs on this ‘wonderful new product.’”

Boaz Yakin (Screenwriter / Director)

On the Realities of Re-Writing…

“The screenplay isn’t the last thing anyone is going to see. It’s a blueprint for something else – the movie.”

“One of the big struggles of screenwriting is to maintain your enthusiasm for the work because you spend so much time protecting yourself (from the inevitable negativity of the industry). You have to come to some sort of emotional agreement for how you are going to relate to the project.”

“If I want to protect something I wrote, I’d write a novel and never allow anyone to shoot it.”

“There are over 80 million people involved in making a movie. Getting a film made takes a small army. The script has to evolve along the way.”

“Don’t underestimate the importance of actors bringing their conviction and contributing to the tone of the film.”

“I am sick of ‘Good Screenwriting.’ Too many screenplays are overly technically proficient, but they have nothing to say. Don’t be boring. But you gotta be yourself. The stuff that gets my attention is the sruff that lives and breathes.”


Terry Rossio (Academy Award © nominated Screenwriter originally from Kalamazoo, MI)

On Craft…

“Make each word fight for the right to stay on the page. If you’re not doing it word-by-freaking-word, you aren’t working hard enough.”

“Writing a single sentence could take an hour. The writer is the only one willing to spend that kind of time with the words.”

“Something really wonderful happens when a writer is discovering something, when there is momentum or inspiration. You can feel this motion of scene resonating against scene. You know it when you see it or read it. But it’s so elusive that we don’t even talk about it.”

“Jokes age. What was hilarious the first time is no longer funny after the eighth read…”

And my personal favorite words of wisdom from Terry Rossio:

“Take the trouble to be extreme to your characters. Santa Claus. Superman. Mary Poppins. Sherlock Holmes… Your character has to walk into that crowd and BELONG with those characters.”

My thanks to all the panelists who gave of their time and wisdom to us in the audience today... Onward and upward.

Austin Film Festival: Thursday Recap

Evidently I had to come all the way to the Austin Film Festival to meet some cool filmmakers from Chicago.

This afternoon, I met Chris, the producer of Left Field, a documentary about the anarchistic subculture of urban kickball. My initial reaction was, "I had no idea that people played kickball after third grade."

Chris quickly set me straight on how wrong I was. He talked about his movie with such enthusiasm that now I look forward to seeing it when it screens on Sunday...

Later in the afternoon, I sat in on a panel entitled "The Art of the Pitch" with three panelists: a VP of production at Paramount, the Creative Exec. Director of Development at Walt Disney Animation Studios, and a Manager / Producer.

Suffice to say that though their credentials were STELLAR, only the Manager / Producer really had much to say to an SRO packed room of aspiring screenwriters. He was direct, honest, and useful. The others kept saying how the facilitator's questions didn't really apply to them because they never took pitches by unrepresented authors, and they didn't work with spec scripts...

Still -- the information we got was good.

(Some key points:

* A pitch must have a Clear Concept that people can get behind.

* Eventually the moviegoer must get excited about going to see the movie. NOW, however, the agent / manager / producer must get excited about acquiring the property.

* DO NOT write a boilerplate query letter. Though there is a fine line between "creative" and "gimmicky," the query letter or phone call must give the industry pro the opportunity to recognize your talent and hear your unique voice. It must also convey your unwavering enthusiasm for your project.

* If you want a screenwriting career, be in it for the long run. Do not expect overnight success. Plan to work at it for YEARS.)

My main quibble is just that most of the stuff that applied to the audience came from only one of the three panelists.

While there, I met Clifford, a fellow attendee. We discussed projects and leads and had a great discourse on querying and marketing. We ran out of time, but will probably pick up that thread and run with it later.

Immediately after the panel, I met Dick Beardsley's wife, Jill, who graciously picked me up and took me out to meet two of her friends for dinner.

"Oh!" she said upon meeting me in the hotel lobby,"You're much smaller than I expected!"

Evidently my Facebook pictures add pounds. (Note to self: smash camera...)

We had a lovely dinner, during which we discussed movies, travel (Dick and Jill leave for Bermuda tomorrow and he is flying home from Illinois tonight), and both the script and book proposal for Against the Wind, Dick's life story. I daresay I did most of the talking (which should surprise no one) and thoroughly enjoyed getting the opportunity to meet Jill and her friends Beth and Cammie.

Then, it was back to the Conference. I stopped in at the Driskill, where I met a whole slew of filmmakers, producers, writers -- and one world traveler. Most were from... Chicago!

There was Laura, the producer of the short An Evening with Emery Long, who handed me one of the flat-out best pieces of postcard marketing I've ever seen.

There was Anna (who somehow knew my name before I said it), who -- among other things -- is an independent pilot producer, and Megan who works in marketing and production, and who is here to have someone kick her butt into finishing a script of her own.

And I am kicking my own butt because I can't recall the name of the Chicago transplant who now calls Austin home, who regularly takes several weeks or a month off of work to travel the world. She (literally) just returned from a jaunt in Peru and Equador, and held us mesmerized with tales of hiking sheer mountain cliffs, zip lining at 500 feet over a river gorge, staying in youth hostels, and cruise around the world in 100 days when she was a student in college. How exotic, and interesting, and cool...

Left the Driskill fairly early because I was just -- tired. Tomorrow starts bright and early with "How to Sell Your Spec Script." I'll let you know how THAT goes...

"Stupid is as Stupid Does"

or, Not As Incompetent As I Feared...

I thought the time was right to put a new wrinkle in my brain. With so many writing projects in the works, so many people contacting me with writing-related concerns, and so many writers asking questions about the protocol of using social networking to promote their writing, I felt that the only thing to do was develop a professional "Page" on FaceBook.

I reasoned that I would endure the learning curve and then use the FB Professional Page to communicate with those interested in writing and in my ongoing projects without annoying my personal "friends" with work-related updates.

So, I spent some time creating a barely-ready-for-people-to-see FaceBook Page. Since it was so easy to have this blog automatically import to my personal page, I figured it would be a proverbial piece of cake to do the same with my Pro Page...

But I couldn't figure out how to do it.

Techno-Geek that I am NOT, I wrestled with the problem. I tried every setting, clicked on every "help" button, fiddled with the templates for both the blog and for FB. I tried to remember how I'd gotten the personal page to do the import, and got increasingly upset with my stupidity. Reasoning that eventually even the blind pig finds an acorn, I kept picking away at it for the past TWO DAYS.

So it was with twin emotional waves of both vindication and utter incredulity that I discovered the following post on a FB Help Forum:

"I have a personal page - and then I have a page that I am an admin for - I want to import our blog posts into the notes of the page I am the admin for, but it seems my only option is my personal page?"

This was posted a month ago, with at least two others chiming in that they had the same problem. No answer has (as yet) been provided.



This all just goes to show that Winston Groom was right when he had Forrest Gump's mom tell him "Stupid is as stupid does."

Though I may have been initially elated to discover that I wasn't quite as incompetent as I had feared, the fact that I wasted significant portions of two days of my working life trying to figure out how to do something that those geekier than I cannot do doesn't say much about my relative IQ...

In Other News...

My co-writer Paul and I spent most of the day re-writing and polishing the Marathon Man script. Thanks to a community theater group's roundtable reading of the screenplay last weekend, we discovered that a major character could be whittled down to nearly nothing, and the story would thrive without him.

So, we pulled out all of his scenes, distilled the essence of what we wanted him to accomplish, and re-inserted him into the story -- a stronger character, though one with significantly reduced screen time.

Listening to the recording of the actors reading the script is an interesting exercise in humiliation. (Did I actually write that? What on earth was I thinking? No one would actually say those words out loud...) I now understand a little bit of why many actors don't like to watch their own performances. I have discovered that I REALLY don't like to hear a lot of my scenes read. They sound SO different than I "hear" them.

We have another roundtable reading scheduled with a different group of actors in Sonoma at the beginning of next month. All are completely unfamiliar with this project and will be reading it cold. With any luck, we'll have the lines polished to where they sound they same in real life as they do in my head...

Scripting Christian

or: File This Under "Problems I'd Love to Have..."

So, Christian Bale is reported to have "forced" the writers of Terminator Salvation to have written a larger part for John Connor... and this is reported upon in such a way as to make the Dark Knight seem petulant and diva-like.

What a very dreary life some writers must lead:

*****

PHONE RINGS

WRITER: Hullo?

AGENT: Hey! Bale says he'll sign on to do your script, but only if you make his part bigger.

WRITER: Oh, man! I have to do more work? Writing words to be uttered by one of the more interesting and watchable actors working today? Are you kidding me? That could take hours. Days even...

AGENT: Right now, the part of John Connor is kind of small. You think YOUR name on the one-sheet is going to put butts in seats?

WRITER: ::grumble::

******

All I have to say is: Cry me a river!

Remember what they say -- "Directors are replaced because of a difference in vision. Writers are replaced because... it's Tuesday."

In Other News

I have a phone conference tonight with the subject of the biopic I've been working on for the past few months with my friend and colleague Paul Martin. We're going to discuss the possibilities for putting together a book that would expand upon the life story that the movie will explore.

I have a wonderful agent who has agreed to take a look at the proposal when it's ready. So... fingers crossed.

And if Christian calls, tell him I'll write him as many lines as he wants...

Tangental Thoughts on the 2008 "Black List"

Calling all screenwriters and other dreamers:

Current must-see reading is this year's Black List Scripts.

Here's the thing: Perhaps I'm being obtuse -- but as a prospective movie-goer, I don't see a single title on the list that even remotely piques my interest and makes me wish that movie would ever get made. Is it just me?



Some thoughts:

* Is it the inherent evil of the Log Line that sucks all soul from a great project?

(As one Black List blog commenter pointed out:

None of these sound spectacular, but it's hard to do 'spectacular' in a one-sentence summary. I'll say what I usually say in these situations… it's all in the execution.

Iron Man by Mark Fergus & Co.
A rich guy makes metal suit.
Status: The guy who played Chaplin is signed to attached to star.

I have to agree with him. Consider, for instance:

"Wanted," by Michael Brandt and Derek Haas.
A loser geek embarks on a quest to become an assassin.
Status: Star vehicle for "Narnia's" Mr. Tumnus.

I thoroughly enjoyed "Wanted," the movie, but seeing it listed like that wouldn't exactly make me want to find a babysitter and line up for popcorn...)

* Is it the fact that no casting (or dream-casting) is included, so I don't know whom I should be envisioning in the title roles?

Hugh Jackman as "The Cockroach King," and Elisha Cuthbert as "Princess Powderpuff" you say? I'm there!

* Or is it a base vindictiveness that makes me wonder how on earth some of those projects ever even found an agent?

(Did you see the one about the amputee fetish brothel -- ::bleah!::)

Maybe I'll download some of these scripts and see what I'm missing...

I figure: anything that makes agents and execs say they like something is probably worth examining just for the sheer novelty of the situation.



And then I'll go back to work on my own nearly finished, hopefully produced-in-2009 biopic, while thinking Beaver puppets and butter carving... Now THERE's an idea for a movie...

To every screenwriter on the list, congratulations! Regardless of whether or not a one-sentence logline makes me want to see the movie, you've made an impact with enough industry bigwigs for people to go on record as champions for your work. Kudos! Here's hoping that 2009 sees you moved from Black List to Greenlit!

And to the rest of us, realize that you have just received a glimpse of the projects Hollywood is pushing right now. From what I can determine, some of the scripts on the list have already moved into production. See what we have to look forward to for cinematic entertainment in the coming months?

Shameless Fan

I have recently discovered the brilliant writing genius of the amazing Paul Abbott, and must say that I am a raving, "shameless" fan.



Abbott created the exquisitely twisted British comedy "Shameless" and the BBC miniseries thriller State of Play. His ability to craft tight story lines that blindside the viewer while simultaneously making total sense is a genuine delight.

Abbott has perfected the art of creating characters so flawed, so thoroughly odious, that they take on a life of their own -- and worm their way into your heart. He makes you root for the deadbeat alcoholic, the Robin Hood of car thieves, the unfaithful MP, the juvenile child-napper, the agoraphobic nymphomaniac, and the perpetrators of insurance fraud.

His characters may be people you wouldn't want in your social circle -- but you can't wait to invite them into your home because they're so alive.

It's true; I think I have a little writer's crush. I'm studying some of what he does and shamelessly applying some of what I find to my latest screenplay project. And I'm stunned at how much more interested I am in my characters. They're much more complex, multi-dimensional, and real. It's quite exciting, because I suddenly can't wait to find out what they do next.

Project Updates

The V.I.P. project for my Major Client has reached an important milestone. Part I is, for all intents and purposes, completed. Part II is coming together nicely. By all accounts, the project will likely end up being a sort of living legacy to the client's industry. I am extremely proud of it and honored to have been involved in its creation.

This does not mean, however, that it is smooth sailing from here. The project deadline is a non-negotiable one that is mere months away. And, while the content is (finally) more or less under control, the illustrations are another story.

Back in April, when I told the Chair of the Project Committee that -- in my experience -- choosing and captioning illustrations to complement the text generally took nearly as long as writing the text in the first place, she positively blanched. Well, it is now seven months closer to the deadline, and we have still not begun photo selection or captioning. I am envisioning calling in lots of favors from friends to help me wade through pictures in the near future. I pray that I am wrong.

Ryan's book project is progressing slowly, but steadily. I have about two days' worth of concentrated work to do on it before the ball is ready to throw back in his court.

And the screenplay writing project that I mentioned earlier has become quite a Blessed Event. I have a draft of the first Act -- the first three sequences -- nearly finished, and am enjoying the process immensely.

I'm working on a bio-pic -- a script based on real events in the life of a real person. Earlier this week, I finally got my first solid sense of who the character is (which necessitated going back and rewriting the pages up to that point). Now I love this guy. I love putting him into situations and finding out what he'll say, what he'll do, and how he'll get out of the mess he creates.

I could work on the screenplay every waking hour. It's that invigorating. Plus, there is the added incentive of the director wanting a draft finished by the end of the month.

No pressure, you understand...

Further bulletins as events warrant.

On Muzak, Squirrels, and Mega-Mouths

Ernest Hemingway wrote an immortal ode to "A Clean, Well-Lighted Place." One would think that clean and well-lit is all one should require for getting decent work done.

One would be wrong.

Every day I take my little girl to kindergarden and sit in a nearby cafe that, blessedly, has wireless internet access, where I work for the few hours she's in school.

On the surface, this is a great plan. I get three hours of billable work, uninterrupted by the distractions of home, dog, laundry, well-meaning friends, and political telemarketers. In reality, however, it has some very real snags that I had failed to take into consideration beforehand.

For one thing, the configuration of the server / internet access allows me to receive e-mail and get online to do research, but it prevents me from sending anything. If I know that my work will require on-the-spot messages, I have to plan ahead and drive 10 miles down the road to Panera's. Inconvenient, but not insurmountable.

Another thing involves the twin evils of fluorescent lighting and it's bigger, more annoying brother Muzak. Oh. My. Everloving. Head! Some days I just HAVE to leave. I have no idea how the poor saps who work here can stand it. It's insidious. It's persistent. It gets into your head, into your subconsciousness, and sucks your soul dry. The cafe here at Apple Valley plays the same CD over and over and over and over. Until you know that "Lara's Theme" is followed by "Memories." And driving off a cliff suddenly seems like a warm and fuzzy alternative way to spend an afternoon.

These glitches are nothing, however, compared to The Mouth. I don't know his name, and I don't want to. But he works here, and EVERYTHING that goes on in his head comes out of his mouth for others to share and enjoy. Unlike most sound projecting equipment, he does not come equipped with a volume control. And he is incapable of speaking a sentence -- any sentence -- without using the word "like" more than twice.

Today was no exception.

I, and every other person in the cafe / store within a 100 foot radius, was treated to a lengthy story about a friend of his who, like, stayed at this friend's house and, like, went to eat, like, breakfast, but, like, the milk was kind of lumpy. And he thought, like, "Well, maybe this is buttermilk, and they, like, like it that way." So he, like, poured it on his cereal and was, like, eating breakfast when his friend came down and was like, "Dude, that's disgusting..."

This narrative gem was immediately followed by, like, a story about this flying squirrel that was, like, trapped in a garage and these two friends were, like, trying to get it out. And they, like, moved into one corner -- but the squirrel, like, moved past them into the other corner.

I tried headphones and iTunes and favorite songs. But even Bon Jovi's version of "Hallelujah" couldn't win over Muzak and, like, squirrels.

Clearly, I need to find another place to work. Which sucks. But I guess it's better than, like, eating breakfast with spoiled milk.

Project Updates

The Major Project for the V.I.P. client continues and appears to be on track. A major segment of it should be out of my hands by Friday, which leaves only two other major components to be completed.

Earlier this week, I did a "help me in a hurry" infomercial script for a client who throws small jobs my way from time to time. I've written several of them for the client over the years and, must confess, I've never seen the final product. It'd be kind of interesting sometime to see how they turn out. Maybe I'll ask for the YouTube version -- just for grins and giggles...

Also earlier this week, I had a producer ask to see one of my screenplays. Which is exciting, but I'm holding off on the yee-ha'ing until an honest-to-God option comes along. Crossing my fingers and holding my breath, but refusing to turn blue.

I also did a little work for a director / independent producer friend of mine. We're trying to come up with the best way to sequence his current project. I had some ideas and sent them his way. I plan to talk with him tonight, to see what paths he wants me to pursue.

Finally, my friend, who I've been mentoring as she puts together a proposal for a riveting memoir, has finished the proposal and is awaiting my edit / commentary / polish on the project. I'm very excited about the possibilities for her book, and am honored to be involved in the creation of it. I'm also terribly impressed with her work ethic and her stick-to-it-iveness as she learned everything she could about putting a proposal together. She followed my instructions (imagine!) and has created a very professional looking package. Further bulletins as events warrant on that front.

That about covers the writing end of things here. The eternally growing "Sera Bear" got spayed and microchipped this week, so she's laying about the house recuperating. And Robert has been working on developing several websites for various clients, so there is no shortage of things to do in a day.

Thank God I don't have to, like, capture a squirrel. I wouldn't, like, have the time.

How Not to Become a Client

or, Strange and Tangential News of the Weird

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from someone who had read one of my articles on writing online. He had appreciated the information in the article and sent me the following e-mail:

Do you give consultations? I need help with a few questions now but I also have big writing needs. I am available either now (my preference) or soon or later.

I was catching up on my e-mail late on Saturday night. I responded: "Yes, I do provide consultations. I also edit, ghostwrite, and co-author on occasion. I would be happy to learn more about what you need, to see if what I offer would be a good fit for you."

Then I asked him to tell me a bit about his writing project, and let me know what sort of help he wanted from me. (I noted that he had a well-received book in print, and had been featured in the front matter of another, so he was no newbie to the publishing industry. I was intrigued as to what questions he had for me...)

Almost immediately, I received a reply: Do you want to talk now? A phone number was included.

Now, I don't know about you, but this struck me as odd. I generally do not accept new clients on the spur of the moment, at 11:30 p.m. on a weekend, without knowing the nature of the problem I'm going to be asked to tackle.

(Regular clients, because they live in so many different time zones, know that they can contact me any time, day or night. Some have been known to dial the phone first and do the math required to figure out the time difference later, but without malice aforethought. Still, they generally get in touch via e-mail and we schedule a mutually agreeable time for a phone consult.)

So, I wrote back that I tried very hard, with varying degrees of success, not to work on the weekends. I suggested times I was available on Monday morning, and left the ball in his court.

The next day I received an electronic manuscript -- a lengthy one -- of a fairly polished book. This book dealt in great detail with a subject that is SO not my area of expertise: finances. My would-be client had indicated that he'd like me to look at two specific pages and a complete chapter. I took a look at them, but, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what he needed my help with.

For one thing, the text in question dealt with detailed investment information for people in their 50's and older, so the subject matter was completely foreign to me.

For another, the writing style, syntax, punctuation, and grammar were all passably fine. Hardly riveting, given the content, but literate and readable, nonetheless.

Still, I was willing to listen to his questions and help, if I could.

I asked him to let me know a good time to contact him (within the parameters of my schedule availability), and I would be happy to chat with him. But first, I reiterated, please tell me how I could be of use. I reminded him that he must be aware that finances are not my field of expertise. I stressed that any assistance I would be able to offer would be primarily in terms of editing for structure and clarity.

I thought that was pretty open-minded and inviting.

Evidently, I was mistaken.

The response I received said that he already had an editor. He thought I was an expert in helping people write forewords (I am), and he needed my help RIGHT NOW. It couldn't wait -- nope, nope, nope. So, since I didn't drop everything and consult with him immediately, he'd referred to my article online. He'd gotten along just fine without me, and had no further use for me.

As for the pages he'd referred me to, he thought those "gems" would be most applicable to me in my current financial position.

To which I audibly responded: "Bwuuuh?"

I wasn't sure which confounded me more: his assumption that I was a good decade or so older than I actually am (yesterday's birthday notwithstanding), or his expectation of becoming an instant client -- with me at his beck and call.

Perhaps I'm being overly harsh. Perhaps I genuinely let the guy down by not immediately picking up the phone and doing a Saturday-night consult. But I doubt it. I also doubt that in HIS professional life, he would have responded differently if our roles were reversed.

There are certain Rules of Thumb that govern How Not to Become a Client. These include:

1.) If the person with whom you wish to consult is a woman, overestimate her age.

2.) Be intentionally vague about what you would like the consultant to help you with -- even after repeated requests for specific information.

3.) Cut into the professional's personal time.

4.) Disregard the scheduling boundaries the professional gives.

5.) Expect to take precedence over the consultant's family AND current clientele.

I have to say, the experience caught me off-guard. I'm very picky about who I work with, because I want to make sure that we will both make the best use of each other's time and fields of expertise. I honestly believe that my clients are the best in the world. I consider most of them as friends rather than business acquaintances. We tend to have lengthy business relationships that grow over the years.

Perhaps that's why the entire experience struck me as weird. Ah well, into each life, a little strange must fall...

And Speaking of Strange

"Strange" isn't always "bad," you understand. Today, the mailman brought me a very strange, wonderful, and completely out-of-the-blue unexpected package. One of my film industry friends (who, incidentally, is one of those who phones first and calculates time difference later) sent me some way cool screenwriting software as a birthday gift. I suspect that he may want me to provide some writing services using the gift, but so what?

I was FLOORED, FLUMMOXED, and at a LOSS FOR WORDS. Which doesn't happen very often, but is an altogether pleasant experience.

Good Advice on Script Consultants

My friend, Sheila Gallien , screenwriter and script consultant to the stars, has written an excellent article about how to get the most benefits from a script consultant.

We writers need good criticism. We know that. But we often don't know where to get it. Our family and friends serve one purpose -- to tell us how fabulous and creative we are. But as the rejections accumulate from agents and producers, one quickly comes to the conclusion that perhaps Mom may not be the go-to person for an honest appraisal of a work.

Finding a qualified consultant to discuss your script (or book) with you, to point out story strengths, and to illuminate weaknesses isn't always easy. Several things have to happen first:

* The writer must be ready to hear an unvarnished critique.
* The writer must realize that NO work is ever perfect. No consultant will ever read a screenplay and say "It is perfect. Change nothing. Let me put you in touch with my agent who will make all your dreams come true."
* The work must be thoroughly edited and as polished as the writer can make it.
* The writer must believe in the merits of the work so much that criticism doesn't dissuade the writer from championing the project.
* The writer must have done his or her homework in order to choose a consultant who is a good fit -- creatively and professionally.

Ms. Gallien has been a consultant for years. Her credits are impressive and impeccable. If you have a script that you are ready to take to the next level, and are considering a script consultant, you owe it to yourself and your work to read what she has to say about making the writer / consultant relationship work for you.

In addition to addressing things like creative communication, the consultant's tone, and avoiding a consultant's baggage, I especially like the article's Tip #5, which addresses the consultant's experience with scripts in different stages of development.

When I consult with writers on books they are working on, I am very up-front about my experience with the publishing process. I feel that I bring the most to the table when discussing non-fiction works, because those are what I have the most real-world, hands-on experience with. I have actually taken books from concept through creation to publication. I understand how a project's parameters might change during each phase.

In the same vein, when I work with a script consultant, I want to make sure that the consultant has worked with many optioned and produced scripts. Otherwise, I'm essentially paying for a glorified reader's opinion -- and that won't help me or my script much.

Sheila Gallien is the real thing. She has literally written the book on screenwriting. She has worked with a veritable Who's Who in the film industry. And she took the time to work up an article dispensing free advice to writers ready to take the next step in polishing their work.

Is your script ready for a consultant? Only you can say. Perhaps, after reading Sheila's article , you'll agree with me that the better question might be: "Am I ready to hear what a consultant has to say?"

February Already?!

The year is not going according to my original plan, but in some ways its progressing far ahead of schedule.

Though I "got" the big writing gig last fall for my Important Client, in December and January, it became increasingly clear to us all that they lacked the same clarity of vision for Phases II and III of their project that they had for Phase I.

So, while I had intended to be working like crazy, day and night, from now through the end of April, it now appears that I will be waiting until the end of April for them to agree on their goals and the content they want covered. Where there is no vision, the people perish.

Which leaves me in a writing Limbo. The client wants to retain my services to finish the project once their sub-committee can reach an agreement on things like required content and approved resources. And they have not yet changed their planned roll-out date of the project from January of 2009. So, at some point this year, I will be doing the aforementioned working-like-crazy. Just not now.

I'm using my unexpected time off to work on a new screenplay. It's almost like being on a glorious extended vacation.

I actually do feel a bit guilty for being able to sequester myself away in my studio and just write all day. I haven't been able to indulge my creative side like this in years. And the new script has developed into a wonderfully inspiring obsession. I can't stop talking about, researching, or working on it. Nor do I want to. It's the most fun I've had writing in a long, long time.

Uber-husband Robert is extremely supportive. He watches Cassandra during the day so I can be alone to work. He says he considers me his lottery ticket. Ha! And he enjoys the time he's spending with our daughter.

So -- though things may not always go according to plan, sometimes they go far, far better...