Since I wrote last, I got engaged to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years! I also finished my first semester of nursing school :). I've had the entire summer off from school, so I have been trying to get a lot of the wedding planning done now - because I know I won't have much time for it once school starts back again in a week. I have gotten a lot done, but am a bit stressed about all that is still not done. One thing that has really smacked me in the face during this whole process is a deep sadness that mom is not here to plan the wedding with me, to get excited with me, to go dress shopping with me, be there to bounce ideas off of, etc. etc. That she never met him, or vice versa. I knew this would happen. but I didn't realize just how much it would hurt, I guess. I miss her dearly. I have such wonderful caring friends, family, new family-to-be, and fiance, and this does not take away from how much they mean to me in the slightest. One of those friends is Allie, who also lost her mother to brain cancer, and she wrote a beautiful blog post for me that articulates it all very well. it means the world to me. You can read it here. It's things like this that bring me back to the present, and make me realize how lucky I am. Thank you!

Re-framing Loss

A few days ago, I posted something on my facebook page about the anniversary of mom's death (today) and how I need to try and re-frame my thinking about it so it's not just a sad day every year. It definitely won't be easy, but I have to try so I don't stay stuck anymore. My boyfriend's birthday is also this week, so I thought calling this his birthday week sounded better. I got several sweet, thoughtful responses to that post that have helped me greatly, and I just wanted to record those here so I can remember them if I'm feeling down, and also hoping that maybe it can help someone else think of new ways to think about sad days. I have always struggled with this, so thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping me today:

• First there were a few "I love you" messages which always make me feel good :)
  
  
• My friend Allie said she thinks mom sent me P, so that this week would be more joyous than sad, just like her mom sent her a son on her birthday week (she lost her mom to brain cancer also). I had never thought of it that way, and I really like it. Allie, I also think she sent me you. You have been such a gift to me as well.
  
  
• Another message from Allie left me with a new favorite quote, one which perfectly fits both of our losses.  This was her message:
  
• my favorite movie, and my mom's, was Fried Green Tomatoes. And one line always stuck with me, and it's been the one I try and remember when my heart is breaking. "See, now is a time for courage. I guess you already know that there are angels masquerading as people walking around this planet and your mom was the bravest one of those." So true, for your mom and mine.
  
  
• My brother's message was wonderful, thank you bro for this gift:
• i think perspective is everything.. regarding mom, yes, it's the anniversary of felt sadness, and it can also be said to be the anniversary of the recognition of all that she's given you over the course of your life (that continues on whether she's here physically or not)... you get to choose which of these the date represents. they're both true. we as individuals tend to focus on sadness and disappointments, but these emotions are only ever *part* of the actual nature of any event they may be associated with, and our job is to fill in the rest of the facts and see whatever it may be in a truer light... love~
  
  

• My aunt sent me a text this morning saying "let's celebrate a life today. I realized yesterday that my sister and I both raised future nurses. I like that. Lots of love."  What a sweet way to start my morning :), thank you. I think my cousin and I are going to be better nurses for having gone through such a deep loss, and the compassion for others that comes along with that.
  
  
• Today is opening day in major league baseball (seems fitting, now that I think about it), and with St. Louis being our second home, mom LOVED the Cardinals. Before she died, my grandparents took her on a behind the scenes tour of the stadium, and I know that was such a treat for her. My cousin posted this morning about opening day, and said "Today is for Carolyn though, heaven's biggest redbird fan ♥." Love that :-).

So today is for an amazing woman who raised a future nurse, two thoughtful children, loved the Cardinals, sent me a good man, and is still trying to teach me how to celebrate the good things in life. I love you mom. You gave me the greatest gifts today, my angels on earth, and I thank you. I hope you are having some cupcakes up there today to celebrate your enormous contribution to everyone you touched. 

Nursing and this time of year

Wow, it's been one busy year. I've been a non-existent blogger :(. I really would like to make it a more frequent thing. That's on my list.

Before mom got sick in 2004, I had thought about becoming a nurse. I needed more meaning in my career, but I really did not want to go back to college again. Take out more in student loans. Afraid to waste years and money if it wasn't really for me. But how would I know for sure? So I put it off. In the meantime, mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and everything changed. My focus was taking care of her and just hoping for a miracle. Took her to The Brain Tumor Center at Duke for clinical trials. Joined the board of a brain tumor foundation and raised money for research. Joined brain tumor support groups, in Atlanta and online. Made some wonderful lifelong friends along the way.

I found a new job that I actually really liked at a medical education (oncology) meeting planning company. Got to fulfill a travel dream and go to Europe with the company. Vienna and Berlin were amazing, and I was traveling with a wonderful boss who had been an oncologist for 25 years, and a physician assistant who had become a close friend. I thought it couldn't get any better. Then after only a year, the company was sold and merged with a larger one...and yes, my job was gone. I took a position within the new company's umbrella but was not excited by it. By that time, mom's condition had taken a turn for the worse. I was barely in the new position for a couple of months when I had to take family medical leave for four months to be with her. Being in the hospital with her non-stop for those three+ months renewed my interest in the medical field. I asked questions about everything and took it all in. I saw how much nurses were integral in her care. There were some who gave us hope, who were friendly and put us at ease, and then there were those who were not so friendly. When you're sick and scared, you need someone who is friendly, reassuring, hopeful, sometimes funny to lighten the mood, etc. It made me want to become a nurse simply so I could be that for people. I saw how vulnerable we were in that time, and how much I could make a difference for people.

But when she died, I was in no condition to start school. I moved to a new city just four months later because I just needed to do something...anything... different. I needed to be near my closest friends. And also family would be a closer drive away. I found a job in the marketing field again, and just wished for Friday's every week. But something was still missing. I even went to a career counselor, retook all those personality/career tests, and surprise surprise, nursing came up in the reports as something that might be for me. And again I decided that I just really didn't want to go back to school. So, my next option was to find meaning in other areas of my life. I joined a committee for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life event here in Nashville, and went about my life. I bought my first house and loved it. But something was still missing. I realized that I had to follow what my gut was telling me I should do, even though I wasn't excited about how I had to get there. I spent a year taking the three pre-requisite classes one at a time after work at a local community college. I kept hearing how hard it was to get into nursing school, so I did my best and made A's in all three :). I got into a nursing program, quit my job (scary!), and started nursing school full-time this January. In a little over two years from now I will have another bachelor's degree, in nursing, and be an RN. Wow, just typing that it's hard to believe it's for real!

And yet it's that time of year again...the anniversary of mom's death. March 31st. Once again I find myself saying, "I can't believe it's been __ [insert # of years] years!" This year it will have been four years, and it's still so hard to believe. Every year that goes by is another year since I've hugged her, heard her voice, heard her say "I love you sweetie," tell me to slow down when I drive, or told her that I love her. No, it still hasn't gotten easier. I miss her more as time goes by. And what gets me the most this year, is the fact that she would have been SO proud of me for becoming a nurse... for all I've done so far to get where I am now. And she'll never know. So many people say she does know, and I desperately wish I could believe that. Wish I felt some sort of assurance that she was still with me and that I felt her with me, but I just don't (just went back and read my blog from last March, and I said that same thing. How annoying! Sorry for repeating myself. It's just so frustrating). I wonder if I ever will? 

Nursing school has a way of stressing you out. And anything that stresses me seems to bring up the feelings of missing her even more. She would have been there to calm me, reassure me that I could do it, and just hug me. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends, family, and a wonderful boyfriend who support me and cheer me on. They mean the absolute world to me, and I am so so lucky to have them! I could not do it without them. I still miss her. I don't know what it is about a mother, but there's just something. Something I know I need to find within myself. Goodness, I'm not a kid anymore. I think that ended with my 20's. I need to be able to make my own self believe that I can do this, and be stronger than the fear and grief that can hold me back. But I still wish she was here. I wish it hadn't been four *$%#* years already. Let's just move along to April already, ok?!

Actually, wait...May! May 5th..and I will have survived my first semester of nursing school!  

Anniversaries

Why do the anniversaries hold so much power over us?  I miss Mom all the time, but it gets so much worse around the anniversary of her death.  March 31st will be 3 years. wow.

I always notice my mood getting worse as it gets closer to these events (her birthday, the anniversary, mother's day, etc.). I have more trouble concentrating. I have a really hard time smiling and acting like nothing is wrong..but I feel if I don't, no one will want to be around me, or will just think I'm not friendly or something.  I would never wish loss on anyone, but I do wish somehow more people understood what a profound impact it has on a person, and that it doesn't just go away.  That I will never be "over it." 

I think my mom and I were so much alike (of course I would never have admitted that until probably after college ;)), and maybe that has something to do with how much this has affected me. I valued her advice and opinions very much, and it's so hard not to be able to ask her those tough questions now..and know what she thought about a decision I'm having trouble with. I'm sad she never got to see my first place, meet my boyfriend, and that everyone I've met since she died can never meet her or know personally what a beautiful, amazing woman she was. That breaks my heart. I don't even want to think about getting married and having babies without her, but I know somehow I'll have to get through it. So many people say "oh but she is with you" or something to that effect, but I have struggled with that since she died. I don't feel her with me. I have hardly had any dreams about her. I feel like she is SO far away, and I will never feel her with me again, and that makes me cry just typing it. 

A place to reflect

I just started this blog as a place to get my feelings out and hopefully help others going through loss, especially of a mother.  I wanted a place to keep all my old myspace blogs also so I can cancel that account, so everything up until this post is from that blog or another website I used to keep people updated during Mom's treatment.  I noted the date it was originally posted at the top of each post.

It's coming up on 3 years since she passed, at the end of this month. That really blows me away.. I don't miss her any less, and sometimes I feel I am grieving her and missing her more than ever.  I tried to keep myself so busy in the beginning.  It was on my mind all the time of course, and hurt very deeply..but I think I shoved a lot of those feelings to the back of my mind somewhere because it was just too fresh.  Of course I cried a lot, but most times I felt it coming on I think I would try to stop it.  In the first 6 months after her death, I moved to a new city, got a new job, and started dating someone new.  All the things 'they' tell you you probably shouldn't do.  But I had to do it.. to be in a city with my closest friends who are amazing and held me up so many times along the journey, and be closer to family as well. 

But now I feel if I cry about it and talk about it people will just think I'm whining or that I should be over it by now, and that maybe they're tired of hearing about it.  I usually look at pictures of her and seeing her beautiful face makes me smile, but this weekend I looked at a picture on the shelves in my room and could feel tears and such sadness coming up.  I didn't let myself cry..but maybe I should have.

In pieces...

Saturday, May 9, 2007

Don't Think I Do Not Grieve by Brenda Penepent

Don't think I do not feel; because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside of grief, and loss, and fears.
Just because I do not cry now, don't think my heart's not broken.
I keep inside the misery of words not to be spoken.

Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke, so you won't see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake, or how I've gone insane.
Each time I chance to think of her, my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.  you will not see my thunder.

Not sure who wrote this one:

Please, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
Please, don't tell me she is in a better place.
She isn't with me.
Please don't say at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.
Please, don't tell me you know how I feel.
Unless you have lost a mother.
Please, don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Please, don't tell me at least you had her for so many years.
What year would you choose for your mother to die?
Please, just say that you are sorry.
Please, just let me talk about my mother.
Please, mention my mother's name.
Please, just let me cry.

Holidays

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

I am so tired of hearing about Mother's Day!!! I never realized how much they cram it down your throat on all the commercials, magazines, etc. Can I just hide until then and skip that day? and for that matter, every holiday and birthday??

A poem I liked and feel like:
They say there is a reason,
they say that time will heal,
but neither time or reason
will change the way we feel,
for no one knows the heartache,
that lies beyond our smiles,
no one knows how many times,
we have broken down and cried.
we want to tell you something
so there won't be any doubt
you're so wonderful to think of
but so hard to be without.
we cannot bring the old days back
when we were all together
the family chain is broken now
but memories live forever

Mom is my angel now

Saturday, March 31, 2007
She is my sweet angel now... my sweet mom took her last breath about 3:34 pm today.  It was peaceful and she did not struggle, just took her last breath.  I am heartbroken...but glad she is not suffering anymore right now too.  She was so amazing and such a fighter and positive person who never complained this whole 3 year ordeal.. I am forever amazed by her.

I don’t really know what else to say right now, but just thank you so much for your love and support and prayers.. it means the world to me.   love, amy

myspace blog comments:

Hey there sweetie. Please know if I could give you a big hug right this second I sure would. I have a meeting at 6 on Tuesday but please know that I'm praying for you and your brother. If you stay in town for a little while, we should meet up for dinner one night.
Lots and lots of love....
Posted by Allie on Saturday, March 31, 2007

Amy, I feel horrible that I have been so out of touch and that I didn't realize your mother had passed.  Vera and Katie told me last night.  I'm so sorry.  I know there's nothing anyone can do to make it easier for you...just know I'm thinking of you and praying for you all!  Love, Kelly  

Just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers.  I read the blogs about your mom and even though I never met her, she sounds like one of the most amazing women in the world.  I called my mom today to tell her that I love her.  I know from all the stories I read about her that she will be watching you and guarding you for the rest of your life.  You gave her everything you could and that makes you as amazing as her.  God Bless.
Mike  

Amy, I have not been on here in a while.  I just got the news.  I am so sorry to hear about your mother.  Let me know if I can do anything.  God bless you and your family!  Hugs and kisses to you!  

Posted by Sherry on Thursday, April 12, 2007

Amy I am so sorry to hear thta but I am glad she is not suffering anymore. I have had her in my thoughts and prayers! We all love you and you have been very strong! You need anything let me know!
Posted by Jamie on Monday, April 23, 2007