Random Nothings

I Haven’t Been Around in a Minute

Man, so much has been going on that I don’t know where to start. I don’t have nails on so I can type quickly. LOL Anyhow, My Dog, Gary “Bear” Johnson, is no longer with us. He crossed the Rainbow Bridge on 2/28/2025. He was such a joy and I haven’t been doing that well since he has been gone. My Cutie (the cat) misses him too and has been more vocal about her wants and needs. She sleeps ON me at night now which is kind of cute.

I’m still working in the medical field. I had been working two jobs for a while but it ended in January which put me in a bad financial situation. We are now waiting for my daughter’s disability to come so I can have a little bit of help in this economy. I will still take the second job when it comes back up, however. I have a lot of plans for my daughter.

Speaking of my daughter, sadly, her paternal grandmother passed recently. Her birthday is coming up next month.

Lessons

I have been struggling with worrying a lot lately due to my financial situation. I had to enlist more therapy to try to navigate through it. I am also learning more about myself. I have been celibate for about 10 years now and I am enjoying my peace. I love love but I value my peace of mind. The examples of marriages that I have aren’t that great. A lot of my married friends are trying to cheat or continue to talk to me as if they don’t have a wife. Reminding married men that they are married is a task and I will be up for it as I respect marriage more now than I did in the past.

Why Else Am I Blogging Now?

Oh, I have to have a colonoscopy tomorrow, so I won’t be surprised if I’m up all night. I will likely doze in between running to the bathroom. I’m so hungry too and that sucks. I wish I had eaten more yesterday but I was up until 3:00 a.m. talking to someone I consider a friend but I really don’t think we’re friends anymore. I think we have grown apart and he truly doesn’t know me.

I have a lot of plans for the future. In addition to trying to get a new part time position, I am studying for my COC through AAPC which is Outpatient Coding so that I can remember how to code CPT codes (procedure codes). I have my CPC which tells people that I can code procedures but my current position of about 10 years is focused on diagnosis coding only so I was very rusty.

In July, I plan on letting my job pay for my Master’s in Medical Management. I feel as though they have let me down by not giving me cost of living raises or decent raises at all. They did all this while working me to death and putting me on so many different projects yet not appreciating my work. And lets not even talk about the fact that I have had so many different supervisors that I should know them all (they won’t hire me as a supervisor because I don’t have management experience). Sadly, being the right hand to managers and taking care of a whole department don’t count.

Still Fat

It didn’t help that my walking partner crossed the Rainbow Bridge so I’ve been very depressed and unmotivated. I hadn’t walked with my Gary for over a year because of his knee problems. I had so much help from people paying for his surgeries but, in the end, there was nothing else I could do. He was 126 lbs at his highest weight. By the time I made the decision to put him down, he was 82 lbs. He had a huge growth on his knee and I couldn’t put him through that torture so that he could stay with me. I would like to get another German Shepherd mix but I am trying to wait until I finish my traveling. In the meantime, I am forcing myself to get on the treadmill and work with my kettlebells. I will go back to the gym once I am financially able to pay for Taekwondo for my daughter. I haven’t been able to take her to those classes anymore because of the economy as well. I can barely pay my rent so these things also weigh on me.

People tell me that working out helps and all that and I know this because I used to live in the gym, but my motivation is shot, and I feel like I’m drowning. I keep getting told to do better and get my head in the game, but I can’t and it’s hard. I’m tired of trying, honestly. But I have to do better. Something has got to give.

Having a Moment

Don’t Judge Me But I Think I Have Lost My Mojo

I didn’t tell you guys about the sex party that I attended about a week ago. I met a nice guy there and I then remembered why I don’t really date.

I Don’t Have Much to Offer

I literally am the definition of the “working poor”. I work hard. In my other post, I talked about how I have a vanilla job as well as side hustles with Sexpanther, Chaturbate, OnlyFans, NiteFlirt, and Fansly. I was doing well for a while but times are hard for everyone which makes it hard for me.

Believe me, I am trying to find another vanilla job to supplement my income but it’s hard and everyone wants you to take a test. I recently failed a test for a part time job and am hoping they allow me the opportunity to take it again.

Again, I am a single mother to a child with special needs. I am attempting again to get SSI for her now that she is 18. They went off my income when she was younger so I couldn’t get SSI for her. Now that she is 18, they will go by her income which is zero. This process started on her birthday last year, but they denied the claim as they stated that I didn’t fill out the paperwork correctly. I recently went into the office and a nice lady helped me fill the information out, but the processing can take up to a year (or more, honestly).

Back to the Guy

I talked to this guy and noticed personally that I don’t have anything to offer a man. I don’t have money right now and I’m not giving sex. I don’t want a man to think that I’m using him for money so it’s best that I don’t date. My credit is falling as we speak because I have paid off cards and they are closing them. I don’t need the cards and it shouldn’t impact your credit negatively but it does. I just started thinking after we had a conversation where he made a comment about me going on a cruise because it was said by many (and I’ve been working my ass off), that I need to do something for myself because I’m working myself into an early grave. But he made it seem as though I didn’t deserve to do something for myself because I’m “hurting for money” which I am. But I WORK! I don’t just sit around, I work as hard as I can. That made me feel some type of way.

I got to thinking: This is why I don’t date. I couldn’t even hold a conversation with him without him pretty much assuming things about me and it made me feel bad. I realize this is a personal problem, but I feel as though I don’t have anything to offer. I am a great person, funny, smart, loving, loyal, etc. but that’s not what most men want out here.

Bottom Line…

I likely won’t date anyone as I haven’t been doing for the past 8, almost 9, years. I’m not worth much to a lot of men out here. I can barely afford to eat so how can I hang out with anyone? I don’t go on dates for free food, and I don’t want anyone to think that either so I’ll just keep to myself as I have been doing although society would say something is wrong with me either way.

The choices are to live above my means (I have cut everything back) or use men for their money which I don’t do even when I do all my side hustles. I work for that money. It is still a job. They say sex work is work and, according to the dictionary, I am a prostitute as I provide sexual favors for money (although I am not having sex with a soul). I also fall under the definition of a sex worker. So, with that said, I’ll continue to try to better myself some kind of way until I hit the lottery or I work myself to death.

It’s funny that I was typing this, and someone posted a meme that said to get a woman with three C’s which were character, credit, and coochie. I only have one (and that’s relative since some people think that my side hustles mean I have no character).

Don’t mind me, I’m really just venting. I know that my worth is not tied to these things, but society sometimes pushes this narrative onto women. I’ll be okay but I just need to get my head right. I’ll type about the sex party later. It was free. That was the only way I went (before I get judged for that too).

Goodnight everyone.

Death and Dying from a Suicidal Viewpoint

Where Did I Come Up with This Topic?

Recently, there have been a number of deaths surrounding me and I’ve been thinking a lot about my death and dying in general. The last one that hit me close to home was the death of my high school class president. I mean, she was my age.

I went to her virtual funeral and, while waiting for the funeral to start, they shared pictures of her, her friends, family, and excursions. I thought to myself, “Self, when you go, what pics will they have of you?” “Have you lived your life to the fullest?” My best friend told me not to compare my life to the lives of others but, here I am.

I took a step back and looked at my life. What memories have I created with people? I stay in the house and away from people because I have a dislike for them. The most they would find in my phone are porn pics for OnlyFans, NiteFlirt, Fansly, and whatever other site I’m on for extra money (good thing I have my phone locked at all times but someone might find a way to get in). But what about the times with my friends? Excursions? Happy memories?

Where have I been? What have I done with the friends that tolerate me? Have I done things on my own? Do I have momentos to remember these epic occasions?

I really had to rethink my life. In death, Kim taught me this. She was very popular so I didn’t really interact with her much but, in our older years, I saw her on Facebook doing things and just being herself. I bet I would have liked her had I really gotten to know her. According to the speaker, she didn’t have any health problems and just went peacefully.

Everyone would like to go peacefully. I kind of just want to go. Remember, I am suicidal so, when people die before me, I kind of question why. Maybe God is trying to get me to appreciate the fact that I am alive and “thriving”. I don’t know but I’m passively suicidal. What is passively suicidal? It is a suicidal person that welcomes death but has no plan to take themselves out basically. I used to have a plan but now, I have come to the conclusion that nothing that I would try would work so I gave up on planning it. Like the time I went to the psych ward for doing research on whether I would die by jumping off the Wilson Bridge but found that people survived it (best way to jump is from a higher bridge and nude as your clothes would serve as a parachute and slow you down). People survive shooting themselves and there are pictures to prove it, it’s just not going to work for me. I could see me throwing up if I took all my pills and then being mad when they don’t refill them. So, yes, I have thought about dying a lot. I’ve talked about it a lot in previous blogs (see: My Suicidal and Homicidal Ideation) as well, but I digress.

Thinking About My Funeral

I started thinking about my funeral. I wouldn’t want anyone to be sad although I know they would be. I would want them to know that I was free: Free of this illness that I have; free from debt (I have three life insurance policies, people would be okay); free from struggling with my mental illness on a daily basis. Just free. I wouldn’t mind there being a party with bright colors and fun music being played. There is a song by Tony Toni Tone called Party Don’t Cry that I would definitely want them to play.

I don’t know what happens when you die, I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, and they talk about a resurrection. As far as I’m concerned, I can stay dead. These conversations seem weird, I know, but this is how people with mental illnesses sometimes think.

In the End …

I have come up with a plan to do more with my life. I have decided to be more to people and get out. Before the funeral, I said that I was going to get out more on my own. This is a daunting task as I tend to want someone to be there to talk to. I recently went to my favorite podcast show again (third time) alone and I had a great time because I was, again, surrounded by people with similar interests. I know that I can do this but going out to a bar or something is really hard for me to do because I’m just kind of scared.

Bottom line: I need to and will get out more, make memories, appreciate people while they are here, and get to know myself a lot better.

I also need to do better in looking good because I am kind of nice looking. LOL

Has Camming Increased My Dislike for Men?

As I write this, I am on my period so a lot of truth is going to come out, you’ve been warned.

I have been camming and doing Onlyfans, Niteflirt (phone sex), Fansly, SextPanther, Chaturbate, etc for about six months now. One thing is for sure, all money isn’t good money. As explained in I Got an Only Fans, I needed a bit of financial help until my daughter got her disability (I have to go up there or call and sit on hold for 2 hours because I’m not getting anywhere with them at the present). I took to these platforms and have been performing well but it is not without incident.

Entitlement

Many men on these platforms feel that they own women. I personally think that many men hate women and use these platforms to take that hate out on women. In camming, colors indicate the amount of tokens a person has or had. The gray people are people with no tokens yet they are the loudest bunch. They tell you to do things and they’re not paying. They then get mad when you don’t do them and start with the cussing and insults. I find it funny that I’m a “hoe” but you’re the one on here trying to get my attention and asking me to do things for your entertainment. If you want them done, get some money or shut up. Thankfully, we can mute the people with no tokens or just boot and ban them forever.

Incestual Fetishes

I do my best not to kink shame but there are some things that you won’t catch me engaging in. I don’t do race play nor incest. Because of my age, I am put into the category of MILF which I personally don’t like. I am a Domme and give directions and tasks to subs. I have had people come into my room and say things like “If you were my mom, I would walk around with a hard on all the time.” Everyone told them to leave. That’s nasty! And I hate when people call me “Mommy” and ask me to do things. That’s nasty!

Abuse, Harassment, and Threats

As I said, some of the men that come into these rooms hate women and they use the only extension that they might have, their money, to take it out on the rest of the world. If you dare turn them down, they will start using abusive language, harass you, and even threaten you.

I got called a “niggga bitch” because I didn’t want to do sextortion with someone (against the law and Terms of Service). There are people that go around with names that insult the models on the site. Example: There is a member on StripChat named Modelsgetarealjob. But you’re on the site, like how?

I got threatened but people don’t know how crazy I am in real life. Some people use fear as their kink. They think a woman will bow down to them out of fear. Not this one. A guy wanted ME to PM HIM and I told him how many tokens it cost. Well, he didn’t want to pay the tokens, I guess but claimed he had $200 to spend on me (we’re going to talk about scammers too, hold on). I told him that none of the models on the platform were going to talk to him without paying that small amount of tokens as we have other people in the room that we have to pay attention to as well. This person got mad and started with the verbal abuse, got kicked out. Cool, right? Nope, he came back with a username with MY name in it. When that one got banned, he came back with my first and last name as his username with “youdumbcunt” at the end. When THAT one got banned, he put an OLD address that I haven’t lived at up as his username.

Most people would be afraid BUT, again, I am crazy. I told him to go ahead and find me and see me because I wanted to meet him. I believe he sent me a text and I just blocked it. He didn’t even have the balls to call me so I could tell him off in real time. I wondered where he got the info from and still really don’t know as all my things are locked down but I took solace in the fact that I knew he wasn’t going to do anything and that his database had old information. I have had my phone number for about 25 years so texting my phone number and putting an old address up didn’t phase me.

I am not the only person that this has happened to. On Reddit, we talk about these things, and you would be surprised at how these weirdos try us just to get off based on the fear they think they infuse into us.

Scammers

It’s kind of sad that many people are smart enough to scam but can’t get a job that would allow them to actually pay for services. When you get tokens or tips, if you are using a toy, it vibrates to let you know OR the system tells you such and such tipped # of tokens.

Some people are so stupid that they put “Suchandsuch tipped 100 tokens”. They get banned instantly. For some reason, they think that cam girls are dumb and don’t talk but we talk and aren’t dumb at all. For some, this is their full time gig and they depend solely on that money. For others, it’s for extra money to survive in this economy. There is no need to get over on women. They can easily watch free porn on sites such as PornHub or even X (formerly known as Twitter), so why harass people that are out here just trying to survive?

In the End…

My patience is running thin with men. When you actually talk to a lot of cam girls, they say they don’t rarely deal with men in real life unless they are already in relationships. Many of us are celibate. We are just regular women trying to make it in the world. Do we deserve the deceit, mistreatment, hate, etc? No. If you hate women, don’t come to cam rooms or vid chats because all you’re doing is giving us your power with every token you spend on the “hoes” that you call us.

One gray person didn’t understand fantasy and was saying that he wanted to come and do sexual things with me. When I pointed out to him that this was all fantasy, he decided to say “So you just hoe online for money?” I had to laugh and then I cussed him out. I might show my goods on cam but I’m not having sex with a soul. I mean, I have been celibate for 8 years now (well, we call it abstaining if you masturbate and even that doesn’t bring me any joy), I have less bodies on me than you do, and probably most women walking the streets and you’re going to call me a hoe? Yeah, he got cussed out.

But can you not see my frustration with men? Wouldn’t you feel some type of way if you had to put up with men like this? I don’t interact with men in my real life and I was like this before camming. It’s just gone to a different level now.

In the end, we have to do what’s best for ourselves and our families. Hopefully, I won’t have to do this for too much longer because I might just swear off people in their entirety. In answer to the title of this blog, yes, camming has increased my dislike for men. I didn’t think anything could do it but, yes.

Protect Your Heart

I have been through it the past few years and I’ve moved in a direction to protect my heart but, can one truly protect their heart from the evil people out here?

Many years ago, I dealt with a man on and off for 3 years. I have spoken about him previously. He reached out to me last year and I called him just to see how Karma had gotten to him. It got to him very bad. He’s not doing the best and even requires a heart transplant. One would think that he had a heart after he ripped mine out of my chest but even that wasn’t enough.

After that, I was in a brief rebound relationship with a man that I didn’t really love but I felt that I needed to be in a relationship to prove that I was worth something to someone.

That didn’t last long either.

So Why Are We Reading This?

Today, and the past few weeks, have been a bit tumultuous for me. I reconnected with a man that I was dealing with while I was pregnant with my daughter (who is now 18). He was always good to me and we were hoping to rekindle something. Yesterday, he sent me a video and I gave my opinion on it. My opinion didn’t align with his and, although he said it wasn’t a big deal, he literally ghosted me. Ghosted me good.

It wouldn’t be an issue had we not had an argument previously and he said that we weren’t supposed to go to bed angry. All I wanted was communication. I wanted to know what about the video had made him so irritated to the point of hating people like that “with a passion”. We all know that I am interested in how people think and why we think the way we do. I just kept asking him to help me understand his viewpoint.

In the end, he decided that I wasn’t worth an explanation. I feel that he regrets his feelings for me and he wanted an excuse to leave. Mind you, we were talking about the future and using the “L” word but it just wasn’t meant to be. I am glad I didn’t lose my celibacy to him because I don’t think he really wanted me. In fact, he kept projecting onto ME that I really didn’t want him. That’s what we had gotten into an argument about that first time. He kept trying to tell me I wasn’t interested in him. I don’t talk to people I’m not interested in all day. I’m not that good of an actress. In the end, it was he that was not ready to be with me and I understand that.

All I really wanted was honesty. I can respect honesty even if it comes in the form of rejection. Because that was what happened; I got rejected by someone that I was extremely interested in and close to. It was that deep for me. But, in the end, I didn’t lose out. My heart is a little damaged as well as my pride but sometimes the trash has to take itself out.

Thank you, G, for showing me that I was right about you the whole time but needed to follow my brain instead of my damaged heart. When I get married, I will think of you and all the others that have taught me lessons and brought me this far.

My Teenager is Eighteen

She Made It!

For a while, it was touch and go. Some people doubted my ability as a parent especially due to the fact that I have a mental illness and she has cognitive disabilities. But that child made it.

I can’t say that I had that much faith in myself. My mother thought that she was going to die of starvation because I couldn’t cook. I still can’t but she’s pretty thick for a starved child. I do my best with making healthy foods but she still has a problem with drinking too much juice.

We went to the pediatrician (probably her last year going) and found out that she’s only about 5’3″ 161 lbs. I need her to hit a growth spurt but we’re also getting back on the treadmill and walking (myself included) because we both need to lose weight.

Kieyah is still a happy go lucky child and, aside from our fights documented here, we get along pretty well.

Still….

I feel like a bit of a failure when it comes to raising her. She isn’t able to do some of the things that other kids her age with her disabilities can do. I can’t get her to keep her room clean and sometimes she just doesn’t care about her appearance or hygiene which I have to care for. Why is this an issue? Because I myself struggle with some of the same things. I’ve talked about simple things to other people are hard for people like me to accomplish. Cleaning this small apartment, washing dishes and clothes, being a simple, responsible human being, is hard.

When you struggle with these things, how do you instill them into your child? I’m still trying to figure that one out but maybe it will come sooner rather than later.

The Deadbeat

I wonder sometimes if he thinks about her and her birthday. He might just be counting down the days until he doesn’t have to pay child support anymore. He has to pay his measly money (that can’t even buy the juice that she drinks) until she is 21. He’ll likely get his passport back and be happy to continue traveling the world with his son that Kieyah likely will never meet. Where is his Karma? I hate to sound bitter but this bothers me sometimes. You can just go on with your life and not care that someone is raising your child (with special needs) while you continue on with your life and your wife (no, he wasn’t married when we were “together” and I feel bad for the wife to be married to a whole deadbeat if she even knows about my child).

What’s Next for Kieyah?

Well, since she is 18, I have to go to family court and apply for guardianship which won’t be cheap but I obtained group legal through my job. I have also applied for disability on her behalf to see if I can get a little bit of help and stop doing my side hustles (yes, I do more than one). It would help me have more time to spend with her and make it so that I don’t have to work so much overtime on top of my side hustles of OnlyFans, Chatturbate, and NiteFlirt (I will tell you about those in another post).

I forgot to tell about the visit to Kennedy Krieger as promised here. Kieyah is not autistic but has ADHD, the moderate intellectual disability, as well as a language and learning disability. With all of those things, Kieyah still has managed to obtain her blue belt in Taekwondo (more than I could ever do) and get the love of people all over the world.

She truly is a superhero! She might not be graduating this year but I am allowing her to see more of the world. She is in a group for people with disabilities and I am taking her on a cruise next year. I also aim to take her out more (she is a bit of a homebody like me). The first place she always likes to go is Target. For her birthday, all she wanted was cupcakes for her class and to go to Target. She got the cupcakes and the trip to Target is coming this weekend (after the mess with Black Friday). She has her favorite one but I want to take her to the best one with multiple floors in Fairfax.

In the End …

I am happy that I have a healthy, happy teenager and I hope that she can be this way for many years to come (and learn how to clean her room before she has to pay for a cleaner with her disability money). Kidding, but we have to do something about that room.

As always, thanks for reading.

Revisiting Why I Am Single (2023)

Years ago, I made blog posts regarding people asking me why I was single and how I felt that I deserved the privilege of being single in peace. You can find them here Can I Be Single In Peace? and “You’re So Pretty…. Why Are You Single?”

Has the Question Stopped?

Nope. I personally think that people are blowing smoke up my ass at this point. There are so many absolutely gorgeous and handsome people in this world that are trash. Why can’t I be a trash woman that no one wants? I’m kidding. I am a good woman and I feel that I bring a lot to people’s lives (I recently learned that about 2 years ago). However, the word “good” is subjective. I’m not a horrible person by any means. Sometimes I’m nice to my own detriment.

When I talked about being celibate and my reasoning, people were extremely perplexed about it. How could a smart, beautiful, funny person be single? The answer is the same: by choice.

I like my freedom. I like my heart in one piece. I like my daughter to not see men parading in and out of my bedroom. I just like peace.

I’ve been accused of a lot of things just based off how I come off. People think I am mean, heartless (I thought that for a while too), stuck up (sorry, I have Resting Bitch Face), and then there are those that think I’m an idiot. Those are my favorites. Yes, I grew up and still live in the hood BUT this hoodrat has a lot of knowledge, empathy, intelligence, street smarts, and common sense. Many people can’t say that.

I Know, I Haven’t Answered

I think I knew more of the answer to this in the previous blogs. The only thing I can say is that I demand respect. That is too much for some men. I don’t run around yanking men up by the necks and beating them or anything but I won’t allow you to talk to me any type of way. I want to be treated as a person. Many people would rather I don’t talk and just stand there and look pretty. I can do that but I can also speak on just about any topic IF you allow me to.

It’s funny because my neighbor from upstairs that noticed that I never had men in my apartment has the same thought likely. My apartment is my solitude. I can’t have people over and I tell people this all the time. Some take offense and that’s on them. I lost a best friend because he thought he was special and beat that I would make an exception on his behalf. No sir, you’re married and yeah… I haven’t talked to him in years now.

For some men, I wasn’t good enough to marry. I was good enough to use but not good enough to show real interest in. That’s fine and I truly don’t mind that fact. I always do self-evaluation when it comes to this though because I am usually too hard on myself. I gave myself wholeheartedly to the few exes that I had. One left the country to get away from myself and my child. Another moved to another state and just broke his own fingers, I guess. One told my best friend that we weren’t dating when I thought we were (I learned to ask a lot of questions so that there is no miscommunication). The one that literally broke my heart told me that we were never dating. Never dating and my daughter and I would drive to his home in VA and spend the weekend with him. We went out, played video games, watched moves, etc. But we never dated. Three years on and off, we were together, and he said that we never dated. Actions speak louder than words they say but that’s not always the case.

Because of some of these instances, I felt and feel that my peace is more important than trying to figure out how a man truly feels about me. My sanity is also important. If I am not sane, it wouldn’t be good for my daughter as well so I just like to keep my sanity.

Beauty

People think that beauty is the standard for keeping a mate and it is not. And, again, you can look at the likes of people like Beyonce, Eva Longoria, Halle Berry, Fergie, Cardi B, etc. You can be beautiful and all that but that doesn’t keep a man. A cheater is a cheater (yes, I know that women do it too). We can’t depend on beauty. We are deeper beings than that and wish that more people would truly look on the inside. You can save yourself SOME trouble (because there are some unattractive people on the outside that match the inside) by considering the complete person.

Do I Hate Men?

I was asked this question and the short answer is no. I don’t hate men. What I hate is disrespectful behavior toward women. What I hate is the way many men try to pit women against one another. What I hate is the fact that you can have a great woman in your life and throw it all away because the next pretty woman looked at you.

I hate women being treated as objects, I hate when men don’t care about our rights, I hate when we are left to pick up the pieces after our hearts (and sometimes our children’s hearts) are broken. In essence, I don’t hate men, I hate their actions toward women; the very ones they are to love and protect.

Yet women get shit on for being “too independent” when it’s not usually a choice. We do it because we seriously have to or things won’t get done and we won’t be able to sustain ourselves. So I guess I don’t hate all men. I do hate one in particular but my readers already know who that person is.

Do You Believe in Love?

I sure do believe in love. I have seen people go through it and fight for their love. I have seen people (and been that person) that have given their whole heart to that person they loved. I literally LOVE love. I look for it. I smile when I see my friends are doing all of the things with their loves. I love to see it. I thought I had that. I felt like I was a better person and it changed my outlook on life and sex (hence the 8 year celibacy). Things are just different when you find that one.

I would love to find that one but I would be considered too high maintenance emotionally which is fine. If a man doesn’t like a woman that cares for their mental health, is their cheerleader, is their support when things are going down, doesn’t mind a man showing their feelings, etc then I am a bit too much for them. I understand and respect it. But please don’t come to me when your spouse or girlfriend isn’t giving you those things; you could have had them.

Exes

My exes almost always come back (usually annually but this is common for most women) and it’s because I treated them the way I wanted to be treated. I want someone to love on me, to love me, tell me I’m good enough when I feel bad, hold me when I am sad, understand me when I talk about things that bother me, etc. Notice I didn’t say anything about money here. A team is a team. Working together is huge and it helps take the stress off one another but I don’t even see that in some marriages. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

In the End …

I might find love. It can happen but I demand too much respect to find that person in many cases. I can tell you that if I ever get married, I’ll probably cry the whole day because I would never think it would happen to me. I was almost married once and I threw it away. I learned my lesson at 25. I won’t make that mistake again in my 40s. With my luck, I’ll be walking with a cane in that wedding dress I got about a year ago that is in my closet. Beautiful dress. I could just sell the thing or do a photoshoot in it. I talked about that in another blog post. I had fun playing in dresses. One day….

Anyhow, thanks for reading my rantings and ramblings about why I am single and might likely stay that way.

Second and Third Trip to Kennedy Krieger

In 2014, my daughter went to Kennedy Krieger and we found out that she had a moderate intellectual disability as well as ADHD. Kie has a blog and I talked about that experience; it was devastating (see Having a Child with an Intellectual Disability WHILE Dealing with Your Own Mental Illness) but I am still working through it all these years later.

Because my daughter is turning 18 in a few months, again, things are getting to me. Her friends are outgrowing her mentally and it makes me feel sad although she is the happiest girl.

Recent Visit

We had two visits in the past two weeks. Tomorrow, I will be getting the results via Zoom at 8. I don’t have to drive out there again and, hopefully, I don’t have to keep Kleenex next to me like the first time I came there. That was hard.

It has already been stated that they feel that she needs more speech therapy so we will add that to her IEP. In this case, we just want to know if the autism is just under her ID umbrella. I hate that umbrella. It’s kind of like with me. I have bipolar disorder but sometimes other mental illnesses rear their ugly head which is why we treat the person and not the diagnosis as my psychiatrist always tells me.

Tomorrow is the day we find out the overall diagnosis. I won’t cry this time because I expect them to tell me that she has autism but we have a long road ahead of us.

Yet to Come

When my daughter turns 18, I will have to start the process of getting disability for her as they said that I made too much as a single mom to a child with special needs. I will also have to look into guardianship as I don’t trust these people. We will continue to work on life skills as well.

I have quite a few people in my village that have already shown me things they have researched. Kennedy Krieger is also known for resources such as DORS, ARC, and DDA. I have to maneuver though this but we have to figure it out because I literally have struggled all these years with no help from the other party that created this beautiful chile.

Thanks for reading.

FetLife

What Is It?

If one were to ask me about FetLife about five months ago (I was on this site before OF when I hit rock bottom and found that I could advertise there without too much judgement), I wouldn’t have had much to say. Now, as a “seasoned” member (serious sarcasm inserted here), I can tell you my experiences on the site. Now, I can tell you that the crazies that I had to block came directly from THIS site and NOT OnlyFans.

But that’s not what FetLife is. It’s basically a place where people with fetishes can go and be themselves. I would say “with no judgement” but that would be a lie. Even in the BDSM world, people will judge you. It’s a part of life in the end and this is just a small demographic of the world we live in.

In a perfect world though, FetLife is a social network where you can meet likeminded people to meet up with for casual sex, find a slave, Dom/me, sub, brat, masochists, ass and breast worshippers, cuddlers, cuckholds, cum sluts, even love, protection, etc. There isn’t a box for everyone and you don’t just have to fit in one box. Some people are very helpful and there are events (virtual and in person) where you can meet people and perhaps join a dungeon. I will speak further on that later as it is my goal to join a dungeon but there are protocols in place.

Why Did I Join?

I can say that I didn’t know better and was looking for more income. I knew that this site would be a good one to explore and expand my fledgling OnlyFans. I have been on OF and FL for about 3 months and I have met nice people but many want instant gratification and there are plenty of people on there that can give it to them, I’m just not one of them.

I joined to find some nice people to talk to but the expectation is usually we’re going to have sex or I’m going to let them serve me in some way. Many would like to be dominated by me as I am a tall, pretty, woman of color. They want me to degrade them which is hard for me to do 1) I don’t have a place to do this and no one is coming to my home hence the reason I need to join a dungeon, 2) I’m an empath, hurting people isn’t my thing but I have to remember that these things bring them joy 3) I’m not letting anyone suck on my breasts or cuddle naked with me. I don’t mind being worshipped for being a woman but many people know I don’t like people touching me; even people that have known me for years ask if they can hug me. I’m a great hugger too. God wasted that on me, sorry.

With that said, I’m pretty useless to those people. And that’s also fine as long as I get my message across about mental health and promote my OnlyFans (I promote mental health awareness on there too).

People often wonder why people have the fetishes that they have and there are many reasons usually linked to mental health. It could be a way of coping, escaping, or just being free. It’s interesting but many people don’t want to talk about that because some might have to revisit trauma which is understandable. I usually give the example of men that want to be degraded by me. Many are in high positions and sometimes want to be bossed around or controlled. These are the men that I come into contact with. I don’t judge them. I try to get their backstory so that I can understand how to take care of them (caregiver is another label).

Events

The events range all over the place. FetLife is a worldwide site so you can meet people from everywhere. The events are also in person or virtual, free or fee, inclusive or exclusive (hence why I need to join a dungeon), etc. I did a virtual pegging class and learned about prep and the like. Now, I have had anal sex before so I was lost on all this prep but I learned a lot. Not so sure I want to peg a guy anymore though. And, again, I need a strap on and a place to do this. There are a number of men waiting for me to do this. There is no shortage of men when it comes to certain things especially when it comes to taboo subjects such as being pegged by a woman with a strap on. You would be surprised how many would like it and it’s our little secret.

Some of these events are at clubhouses, personal homes, dungeons, and even hotel suites (I haven’t been to any yet but I will tell you if I liked it or not). I often ask other members of FetLife if they have been and many haven’t. Men have to pay a hefty fee in some cases to get in. Couples get a discount, and many times single women are free. I just don’t want to go alone so I’m going to drag a man with me and be a couple.

As far as joining a dungeon, you need to be vetted and/or go to a munch where you can get acquainted with other members. I also feel that the dungeons are extremely safe. Consent is everything. They still want COVID paperwork and some do research to make sure you’re not a sex offender. The rules, although daunting, are for the safety of everyone involved. Once you get past that part, you should okay but I haven’t gotten that far yet due to the fact that I like sleep and the events are usually late.

My Overall Opinion

From my few months on FetLife I have seen a lot of things and seen people complain about a few things. One things that I don’t like is that some people judge people for having an OnlyFans. This is weird to me because FetLife wants you to pay to keep the site going and only then will they let you see videos and certain pics. I feel that this takes the power away from the creator and what does the creator get from it because I haven’t heard of people getting paid by FetLife for their work.

I have also noticed that some people only talk about sex on the site. They don’t want to get to know you as a person, they just want to fuck. Also, many people don’t read profiles although some have read my writings that send them to this blog. I talk about dating, bipolar disorder, dating someone with a mental illness, and everything else you guys have been reading. However, reading profiles can really save you some embarrassment. I am not that popular on the site so I don’t get a ton of DMs but you can tell who read and who didn’t. Some just approach you based off your pics and don’t care that you are sapiosexual. Well, we discussed what that meant but I will revisit it. Basically, I am attracted to intelligence. I am also demisexual which means there has to be a connection or I cannot ( and will not) open myself up to you in any shape or fashion.

These traits about me don’t make me attractive but my pics do. As I always say, no one wants to get to know me, they just want to fuck and I went through my phases already. I don’t plan on revisiting them hence the reason I am 8 years celibate, proud, and less stressed.

In the End …

Fetlife is pretty much a social media/hookup site. There are cliques in it as well. I have seen that much but was also warned about it for events. I am not a fan of cliques and have never belonged to one. I like inclusivity because no one wants to be left out for something they usually can’t control.

I also noticed that they don’t like certain people that put things like descriptors of genitals along with the race of the person. Some people have a serious issue with the term BBC (big, black, cock) and other descriptors that escape me right now.

Honestly, it feels like high school all over again. Oh yeah, someone got murdered on that site too. People are always trying to see me but I don’t want to be on a true crime show with Ellyn and Joey talking about how I never met a stranger and I lit up a room. No thanks.

Here is the article https://cw39.com/news/nationworld/what-we-know-about-the-fetlife-fetish-site/ . I’m also going to look at some vids about why people don’t like FetLife as well as how it triggered someone. It’s all a learning process and, if I don’t like it, the only thing keeping me there is trying to get people on OnlyFans. I don’t know how so many people have so many fans. I am doing something wrong. Oh, and stay away from promotors even though you can write them off on your taxes for OnlyFans.

Again, I have gone on a tangent. But I have one more thing to say: If you go on there and wonder why you see so many people are from “Antartica”, it’s because … stalkers. People that know they are near you start trying to schedule stuff because you’re near them. So people put it up so that they can give that info when ready. I had mine as Antartica for a little bit but it got annoying because, when I went to search for events, they would be all over the place.

Thanks for reading my discombobulated thoughts. In my case, I can’t talk about one site without speaking on the other because I use both for what I consider to be important reasons. For real, everyone is just trying to just BE and I can respect that as long as people can respect me.

I Got an Only Fans

Why Would You Get an OnlyFans Account?

Well, I bit the bullet and got an account. I had been saying that times were hard for a while (see I Need a Second (and Third) Income ). This was my last resort. In obtaining said account, I have learned a lot of things about others as well as myself.

Opinions

When I said I was making an account, no one believed me. Some even said that they supported my decision but, when I told them about my account, something changed. Maybe people lost respect for me while others still don’t believe that I went through with it. But I did. Do I regret it? Well, let’s talk about it.

Misconceptions

Anyone that reads my blogs (thanks to those of you that do) knows that I am a hard worker. I am not lazy, am always looking for supplemental income, and am a fierce fighter for my daughter as well as myself.

Most people would also know that I’m not out here running around having sex with randos for no reason (My Life: How I Have Stayed Celibate for Seven+ Years). I say this to say that everyone on OnlyFans aren’t a bunch of prostitutes. Most of the people that I know on OF are introverts or are trying to bring attention to something that interests them. There are beautiful people that like to talk about health, fitness, traveling, food, real estate, activities but they can’t get attention without being half naked. I also know exhibitionists which I respect as well. If they aren’t lying or hurting anyone, I mind my business.

My real message is about mental health, especially for men and people of color. That’s what I talk about. I have even shared some of my blogs on my OF page and I want people to understand that I am a person just as they are.

I am also on a site called Fetlife. There are a lot of people on that site that feel that OF is borderline porn. I have to point out the hypocrisy here due to the fact that people post pics and vids for free. Fetlife wants people to pay money to see said vids BUT they’re not paying the people that are providing them.

People on Fetlife meet up to literally have sex BUT getting money for your craft or work on OF is beneath them and I’m not having sex with a soul. I help people with their fantasies, post seductive pics, and just go to sleep.

A Humbling Experience

When I made my OF account, I didn’t expect a soul to pay for anything. Surprisingly, I have a few fans that aren’t promoters and they have been buying my content. At the present, I have been on the site for a little over a month now and am in the top 19% of creators. I thank the people that are actually helping me.

I recognize that I am no longer young and as in shape as I used to be BUT there is a market out there for me. This actually has helped me to start working out more consistently but I’m still fat.

Questionable Experiences

Many of my people on OF come from Fetlife. Sadly, I have had some bad experiences with some of these people and I really don’t plan on doing this for much longer. I had one guy that was from Fetlife that clearly thought that the only thing I did was sit on Fetlife and do OF. I must not have been answering him quickly enough. I had informed him that I was still working my overtime. He kept complaining about me not talking so I went ahead and blocked him. I blocked him from my phone as well as Fetlife. He took it to another level and texted me from another number saying “Did you block me? That’s weird.” I told him that what he just did was weird (it was scary too because WTF?).

He then went on to say that OF blew my head up. Once he said that, he got blocked again. This person doesn’t know me and had no clue of who I was before OF yet those words got to me. I literally sat and re evaluated a lot of things. I was going to quit but people told me that this nobody who knew nothing about me didn’t get the right to talk about who I was or am as a person.

In the End …

I am still on OF but I don’t think I will be on it that long. Men tend to make you feel like nothing. I had one that thought that throwing money at me would make me communicate with him even though he had no clue about the art of actual communication with a person.

People fail to realize that we all have options. All money isn’t good money and I am not, nor will I ever be, your property. I was going to take the page down but people started paying although . Here is the OnlyFans link if you want to check it out. You’ve been warned.

Thanks for reading. I will be talking about what I have learned on Fetlife too because I learned a ton about people, especially men. I’m still blown away at the judgment on that site. If you get judged, why judge others? Anyway, stay tuned and, if you have questions, I got you.

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