Cast:

• Nadya Melton – wife of John Melton and fierce advocate of free speech in the bathroom.
• John Melton – husband of Nadya Melton. Purchased his wife on the dark web but never told her.
• Olivia Smith – reads books about being famous but has never considered changing her name.
• Ajayi Adebayo – well on his way to becoming a new-money multi-billionaire in Indonesian Rupiah.
• Juicy Femina – changed her name to become famous but it didn’t work. Needs to read more.
• Oprah Winfrey – no, not black, not rich, not a chat show host and, in short, not that one.
• Bethe Sda – bi-polar and transgender Cherokee who is a successful businessperson on Fridays.
• Anne Saint – loves to lounge around in flowing robes and call strangers ‘darling’ when abroad.
• Sterling ‘Style’ Acad – won’t tell people why his nickname is ‘Style’ and is rather quarrelsome.
• BC Reign – benefactor of a wealthy now-deceased uncle. Writes children’s books about mice.
• Patricia Chin A Fo – aware of disembodied presences and needs to lead with that in her publicity.
• Robert C Day – will tell you his middle name if you get him extremely drunk. Doesn’t drink alcohol.
• Otto Grabowitz – borderline psychotic with a penchant for pinning flowers to his beanie cap.

Scenario:

Two minutes into a Zoom call with all of the above, each with their infobyte included with their name, eyeballing each other in Gallery mode. Patricia has arranged the meeting. Robert is hosting it.

Script:

Robert: Right, chances are that not everyone’s going to get a chance to speak so if you have a burning desire to say something then you’d best do it now rather than wait for a future that might not be able to accommodate you. My name’s Robert and I’m taking my chance now. Feel free to interrupt.

Otto: Ah, my name’s Otto and I’ve been described as borderline psychotic but really I’m …

Robert: Thanks, Otto that was great. Let’s get some rules in place before you all follow Otto down the tunnel and onto the pitch. First of all, we will not be talking about football, food or the weather. We all know it’s dull outside; that’s the main reason we’re inside right now, so no need to harp on about it. Similarly, it’s Saturday at 3.03pm UK time; enough said. As for food, feel free to eat so long as you don’t move your mouth or hands. Alles klaar? Good. Patricia, tell us why we’re here.

Patricia: Well, we’re here because you’re all too much inside your heads, Robert is brazen enough to tell you that and I have the idea that if he gets us to talk about something called Values then the conversation will flow as fast as fine wine (non-alcoholic metaphors are also available) down our throats.

Robert: Thanks., Patricia. So, to get your minds laxative-iated we’re going to put you in a rocketship called Values, light the fuse, boost you into the upper atmosphere and then laugh as the rocket malfunctions causing you to burn horribly and die. Oh, wait, I got confused, that was the movie I was watching last night. In reality, you’re going to talk about Values while Patricia and I laugh secretly at your naivete. All good?

Sterling: So, let me get this clear, you’re going to insult us crudely and cruelly until we react in some form and then you’re going to call that a success?

Robert: Dammit, he has seen into my secret heart, Patricia. What are we to do!

Patricia: Talk about Values?

Robert: Ah, yes. Let’s do that. So, I’m going to divide you up into three groups. One of you will form the first group of one. Who’s going to volunteer?

John: I’m going to volunteer.

Robert: Nadya, you’re our first volunteer. Well done.

John: Ah …

Robert: So, your role, Nadya, is … Oh, what was it now? Let me think. Gosh darn it, this was so clear this morning in the shower. Erm … Ah, got it! You’re going to be a random President who has just declared to the world that you are going to take over a territory; give the people currently there vouchers for their camels, robes and sundry other items; move them, the people that is, to different parts of the world; and then refurbish the now empty territory to use it as a holiday resort. Let’s assign you a totally unrelated name. Donny. Do you understand the part you will play, Donny?

Nadya: Um. Yes?

Robert: Good. Glad to have a happy bunny in our midst. Right, the next group will similarly be a single, if not singular person. Volunteers? No-one? Well, in that case, Ajayi, you’re up. Oh, wait. Hold on. I’ve just remembered what I was thinking about in the shower this morning. That’s to say: I’ve remembered my thoughts properly. Forget all that stuff about Donny. I think I might have got that confused with what I heard on the news this morning. Okay, Nadya, you’re going to play the stupidest person in the room and Ajayi, you’re going to play the shyest person in the room.

Ajayi: As I understand it, I will be the shyest person and Nadya will be taking over your role, thus far. Note the beautiful smile on my face as I say these words. This indicates that I hold no grudge and bear you no malice.

Robert: Superb! Glad we all understand each other. Now, the third and final group will be composed of the rest of you and we shall call you Talented Observers. You will be commenting on the situation I will shortly give you. In fact, let’s apply the fine principle of ‘waste not, want not’ and declare the situation to be the aforementioned news article I heard on the radio this morning. You remember? The one about Donny? But first, by way of an introduction, mostly for my benefit, let’s ask the good Patricia to whiz around the room persuading each of us, one by one, to deliver their name and their current conception of what is meant by Values. Take it away, Patty.

Patricia: Thank you, Robert. Nadya, you go first, my dear.

Nadya: So, I am not ze Donny?

Robert: No, you’re stupid.

Nadya: Of course, of course. My name is Nadya and I am Russian bride, freely come of my own passport, zat is now with John for safekeeping. Patricia said my name so no need repeat. Values are vodka-drinking.

Patricia: Vodka. Perfect. John?

John: My name is John and, as an English gentleman, I hold decency as paramount. A decent suit, decent boots and a decent way of life, what?

Patricia: Thank you John; it was very decent of you to share that with us. Olivia, tell us a little about which values you hold dear.

Olivia: What you talking about? What’s a value? I can’t stomach vodka and I don’t have a suit like John does, unless he means suite in which case I have a nice comfy settee that I like to watch Netflix on but honestly, I have no clue. Values, values, values, let me think. Oh, wait, I know. I read this book once about how to get on with people and it said that so long as you value honesty then you’ve no chance at getting on with anyone because no one likes honesty so I tell lies to the neighbours. Like, I told Mabel the other day that she had lovely hair. I mean, she might have had once, but most mornings her head looks like a wombat that’s been dragged through a sheep backwards. But I just couldn’t tell her that could I! She’d go mental! So, yeah, lying might be one of my values? Dunno.

Patricia: Lovely and lively. Thanks, Olivia.

Robert: Frick, yeah. Way to go, Olivia. Everyone else, try to be as interesting as this young woman. Go!

Patricia: Thanks, Robert. Ajayi?

Ajayi: My name is Ajayi and Jesus wants me for a sunbeam. I am light, I am pleasant, I am happy and in my deepest heart, I am a multicoloured reflection of Jesus Christ our Lord. I dance to his tune, his light is in me. Let us join our arms across the nations and be in holy communion with the one and only saviour, as it was in the beginning, through these times of trial and tribulation within which we verily gather in the strength of our Lord so that we may pass all our tests and move on to the times of glory that are surely coming! Can I get an amen?

Patricia: Amen, in truth. Thanks, Ajayi. Juicy?

Juicy: Juicy Femina. Um. Yeah. Well. Okay, so you know my name and, well, that’s … That is to say, I’m Juicy and … erm, can we spin around and come back to me in the … you know?

Robert: No.

Juicy: Oh. Okay. C’mon, breathe, Juicy. Jeesh. Okay, my name is Lucy and … Oh, sorry, my name is Juicy and I have the feeling sometimes that good things will happen to me if only the universe gets it into its mind to let it happen and, honestly, I’ve no idea why I’m here but, yeah, seeing as I am, I might as well get with the programme and tell you that the value I love the most of all in front of all values, which I understand to be the cornerstones of the metaphorical houses we are deep inside our minds and hearts, deeper than all the thoughts and emotions that flicker through us like fireflies before burning out like the bugs they are, is self-respect. And I’m fully aware that my stock of self-respect is almost non-existent, but if there’s anything I’ve learned about life it’s that if you’re not in the game you can’t win it, so here I am. So, yeah, self-respect. Is that okay?

Patricia: It is so very alright, Juicy. You can sit down now, my dear. And do remember to dress fully next time you’re on a Zoom call even if it’s very early in the morning for you.

Ajayi: Amen to that.

Patricia: Oprah, why don’t you tell us a little about …

Oprah: Listen, before you ask, I’m not that Oprah. I might wish, wish, wish I was sometimes, but I’m not. My core values are staying focused on the present, being strong in my area of self-worth, having a deep sense of purpose, deeply trusting myself, staying connected to nature, maintaining balance in every facet of life and creating space for mindfulness and thought. And, listen, it’s a coincidence that those are the values of that other Oprah as listed on The Daily Coach because why would I read them from there? That’d be like some kind of weird self-abnegation. Listen, I’m poor, not-black, I may even be ugly, but dear God, I’m here. I’m here!

Patricia: That’s fine. Thank you, Oprah. Bethe, you want to go?

Bethe: People always expecting me to say some wise-ass shit because I was born into the Cherokee Nation, but I just love my kids and their kids and the rest of y’all can go take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned. Not that I won’t help you if you knock on my door and if you’re in need but if you do anything to harm me and mine then you’d better step back real sharpish afterwards because I’m going to be coming for you. And it ain’t gonna be no bows ‘n’ arrows bullshit. I’m going to get real brutal on your ass with my …

Patricia: So it’s love for children you value then, Bethe. That’s nice. I got that kind of love too. Let’s hook up later and chat about our children. Much love, Bethe. Let’s move on. How about we hear from Anne now.

Bethe: Sure, Patricia. Peace out and all that jazz.

Patricia: Anne, tell Robert about your values.

Anne: Darling …

Robert: Yes, honey-bunch?

Anne: Darling …

Robert: Sweetness!

Anne: Darling!!

Robert: Oh, do get on, my dear.

Anne: I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now. My name is Anne and these are my values: happiness, sadness, happiness, sadness. I am a broken shoe on a worn carpet.

Patricia: Thank you, Anne.

Robert: Did she just quote The Smiths at us?

Patricia: I think she did.

Anne: I’m right here, you know, Darling!

Robert: I know, Anne. Just wanted a second opinion.

Patricia: Onward to Sterling.

Sterling:

Patricia: I think you’re on mute, dear.

Sterling: Ah yes, thank you. I said that I go by the name Style. Please call me Style.

Patricia: What are your values, Style?

Sterling: Thanks. I haven’t really thought about it much, apart from when all of us all were talking about it, and thank you for your wise sharing, by the way, but it’s obvious to me now that I have some really bad values that are ripping apart my family, society and the entire planet. In short, I value ‘more’. I’m always wanting more money, fame and success than I have and so I’m chasing, chasing it by jetting from here to there, craving this and that expensive toy and generally buying into the whole consumer ecosystem that’s contributing to overproduction, massive resource exploitation and the brutal rape and pillage of our global village. Let’s face it, we’re fricked and it’s all my fault. And the worse thing is that I recognise this and yet I’ll do the same again tomorrow and the day after until the world is a cinder. Thanks for letting me share.

Patricia: Thank you for your bleak yet honest sharing, Sterling. Who do we have left? Ah yes, BC. Pray tell us something of your self.

BC: I’m BC and I write books about mice. Nice mice. Meek mice. Mice so nice that they’ll inherit the earth. Cinder or not, mice’ll thrive. I can go on like this for a while because I know lots of words that rhyme and almost rhyme with mice and I know how to use them. Goes with the territory, you see. Mice don’t have that many values. Unless they’re cartoon ones in which case they’re amenable to whatever values you give them. I tend to give them values that make children like them. My favourite is probably mischievousness. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for, Patricia? Not everyone is into mischievousness. Some are more into love. Some are even into violence. The people that wrote Tom and Jerry were probably like that. A lot of violence. And they showed that to children! No wonder the world’s gone to hell in a handbasket. I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Patricia: Thanks, BC. I’m next. I value continuity right now, and so I’m going to move on to Robert.

Robert: So do I. Otto, you’re the only one left. Knock our socks off, dude.

Otto: What are my choices, values-wise? You got anything novel?

Robert: You have to do the inner work, Otto. Values have to come from within yourself.

Otto: I don’t have a self that I’ve ever been able to find. No innards to speak of. I’d say sorry, but I can’t find sorrow in me either. There’s just an emptiness. A numbness. A nothing-to-find-ness. Don’t worry, I’m used to it.

Robert: You like games?

Otto: I play games if that helps.

Robert: Play this game. You’re an AI that’s been programmed to give the appearance of emotion to whoever asks.

Otto: I can do that. Ask me to talk about an emotion I’m feeling and I’ll make something up and tell you about it. I still won’t feel it myself though and so I …

Robert: Hold on a mo. I’m not going to tell you to describe it. You are. Then, as an encore, you’re going to tell yourself to feel the emotion. Don’t argue. Just play the game of telling and then play the game of feeling and then play the game of telling yourself that the feelings are real and honest and true and then play the game of getting away with it. You still want to play?

Otto: Ah …

Robert: You’ll get confused. That’ll be a real confusion. Dive into that confusion and get lost in it for a while. Smell it, taste it, roll about in it as if it’s pig shit. Get dirty. Then get bored with that. Boredom is real too. It’s not technicolour. But black and white’s a good start. You mentioned the word borderline. Borders can be porous. Ooze yourself through. Be an amoeba playing with a semi-permeable membrane. Have fun. You still want to play?

Otto: Yeah.

Robert: Yeah?

Otto: Heck, yeah.

Robert: Right, everyone. Listen up. We’re going to play along with Otto. Picture this: Donny has evicted you from your home and you’re being loaded onto a bus bound for the you-don’t-know-where. Think about how you feel? You’re in a place and time and you can’t do a thing about what’s happening to you. But you haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, you’re right. You’re righteous. Your feelings are valid and correct and what you have in your heart is real. You feel your blood pumping in the veins in your forehead and your heart whacking against your ribs. There’s a feeling in your chest, wanting to get out. Banging, struggling, shouting and fighting to get to the surface and into the air. On the count of three, I want all of you to get that feeling off your chest by projecting your best voice into the world. Tell me how you feel. Shout it out after one, two, three …

Everyone Simultaneously: || angry || pained || sad || nervous || apprehensive || puzzled || mad || confused || raging || frustrated || bitter ||

Robert: Again. Louder. Donny’s ripped your life up, dragged you out of your home and is bruatilising you by forcing you into a world that might not like you. It might even hate and resent you. How. Are. You. FEELING!

Everyone Simultaneously: |||| RAPED |||| HATED |||| CRUSHED |||| ANGRY |||| HELLBOUND |||| ENRAGED |||| FORCED |||| KILLED |||| BRUTALISED |||| VENGEFUL |||| VICIOUS ||||

Robert: Good. Now, hold those feelings in you for a moment. Let them echo around your mind for a beat. Feel your shared emotion for an instant longer. Now, let them go. Stand up and shake your arms and legs if you like. Touch a loved object in your room to ground yourself. Let the feeling drain away, but remember that you felt it. Take a minute or two for that. Patricia, could you play a little soothing music for us?

Patricia: Sure.

Robert: Okay, that was a good minute. Now, sit back down if you are standing, and just breathe gently. Nadya, you still with us?

Nadya: Da. I mean, yes.

Robert: You’re going to be stupid from now on, Nadya, so remember that.

Nadya: Da.

Robert: Ajayi? You with us?

Ajayi: Jesus is with me.

Robert: Good. Just remember that you are shy.

Ajayi: Hallelulah!

Robert: Nadya, ask Ajayi what just happened. Ask it like you know nothing and you need everything explaining down to the smallest part.

Nadya: Okay. I do that now. Ajayi, what just happened?

Ajayi: An evil spirit entered the room and took me and all these good people to hell and …

Robert: Be shy.

Ajayi: We, um … I .., I don’t know how?

Robert: You do. Be the small child in a roomful of …

Ajayi: Ah yes. I remember. I know little.

Robert: Yes.

Nadya: What happened?

Ajayi: I don’t know. I am small. There was shouting. It frightened me. I wanted to hide. I was small. Hidden. But curious.

Nadya: Where did anger come from?

Ajayi: Let me think.

Nadya: Why did it come?

Ajayi: Something was lost. Something was lost and we wanted it back?

Nadya: What was lost?

Ajayi: Our homes.

Nadya: Only that? Bricks and wood?

Ajayi: No. Something more.

Nadya: What?

Ajayi: We lost … I don’t know. Something like our heart?

Nadya: What was in this heart?

Ajayi: Our love. Our peace of mind. Our …

Nadya: Yes?

Ajayi: Our sense of who we were. We wanted something that was being taken from us. Something valuable, but not just material things. Something else. I don’t know. Valuable … valuable.

Nadya: Values?

Ajayi: Yes! That’s it! Our values were being …

Nadya: Attacked.

Ajayi: Yes. No. Challenged, in a way. Our sense of freedom … was being taken from us. No, wait. It’s like this: We hold freedom to be important to us and that value was being … stabbed. Oh, I don’t know. Help me, someone. Help me.

Robert: That was beautiful, Ajayi. Thank you, Nadya. Let’s open it up to the floor. What is Ajayi telling us?

Ajayi: Wait. With your kind indulgence, I have a small story to tell.

Robert: Patricia?

Patricia: We have time.

Robert: Tell us, Ajayi.

Ajayi: You … this reminds me. I was a small child. Smaller than I should have been because we … my family was poor. Not because my father did not work hard but because what we had was taken from us. The neighbours … they tried to help but they were taken from too. Beaten? No. Abused? No. But made to feel small in insignificant ways that became a mountain on me. I was the … how you say … runt? The smallest of small. At school, when there was school, I was sat on. Squashed. Made empty. This went on for … Well, you know how children’s memories are. I thought I could sink no lower. That my family could not be in a worse place. But then they came for us. It was night, and I was asleep in the only place I could be. Under the … I don’t know the word. I needed weight on me to make me believe I was … secured. Only then could I be like a real boy. Feel some small part of me to be safe. I woke when my oldest brother screamed. I know now he meant to wake us to warn us. But then? It seemed a continuation of a sleeping nightmare I had been staggering through in which my family were being cut down … eradicated … one bloody knife stroke at a time. It was only later that I realised … but perhaps I do not need to tell. The world knows, yes? I was only saved because my second brother’s bloodied body was flung onto me as I struggled to crawl out of my sleeping place. With his last strength, he gathered me in to him and almost smothered me with his love as he himself breathed his ending out. My eldest sister was the last to join the heap above me. I will not speak of what she endured, nor what happened to my parents, but I was made to be without family that night. I was weighed down, trapped and yet saved by the death of my … everyone I loved, and it is only with the help of Jesus Christ Our Lord, Redeemer Of All Souls, that I have been able to rise above that charnel heap and finally draw breath and live again.

Robert: That …

Patricia: Shh.

Robert: You …

Paticia: Shhhh.

Robert: I …

Patricia:

Robert: I own my feelings as you own your story, Ajayi. Thank you.

Ajayi: It is almost as you say. I did own this story but I have since given it to Jesus Christ and he has shown me truly how to forgive.

Robert: Magnificent. Thank you for sharing and Nadya, thank you for playing your role accurately. You are both released to be yourself from now on. You may, additionally, join the rest of us as Talented Observers.

Ajayi: Thank you.

Nadya: Thanks.

Robert: Right, we’re almost out of time, but we’re nearly there, peeps. Just one more important step to go and that’s to evaluate, once more, how you’re feeling. But not just any old feelings. I want you to tap into something special. I want you to reflect for a moment … Patricia, a little soft music as we reflect together please … I want you to reflect on your feelings toward that small boy as he underwent his trial so many years ago. Put everything else aside. Just focus exclusively on your feelings towards that child for the next few minutes. I trust that Patricia will fade the music out after an appropriate time.

Patricia: Yes.

…

…

…

Robert: Come back to this space, please. Now, in your normal voice, please, all at the same time, express your feelings in a single word or phrase. One, two, three … express.

Everyone Simultaneously: || love || compassion || awe || LOVE || upliftment || sympathy || protection || overcoming || strength || loving || empathy ||

Robert: Thank you for all your kind cooperation today. You are beautiful. You will be successful in all you do. The penultimate word will be for Otto to speak. Otto, I’m going to ask you a question and bear in mind you are going to answer for the whole group and, by extension, the whole world. No pressure. The question is: which of the two sets of values expressed by the group today will bring the most benefit to the world? Your options are: the negative ones expressed earlier or the positive ones expressed just now. In one word, what is your answer?

Otto: … positive.

Robert: Thanks.

Message: This meeting has been ended by the host.