Trailer Review: Annabelle

You have got to be kidding me. I can totally respect the art and craftsmanship that goes into dollmaking, but come on.

I know it's the 50s or whatever and it was a different time and, all but who just pops over the neighbours' in the middle of the night to check out the horrible screaming coming from next door? Seriously, who does that. And who doesn't call the police about the horrible screaming coming from next door in the middle of the night? Honestly.

I know it's the 50s or whatever and it was a different time and all, but who would ever covet that doll? That has got to be the ugliest, creepiest doll ever. Who brings that into their house? And puts in the baby's room?

Also, I'm pretty sure this trailer is the prologue. Although I haven't seen The Conjuring, I have seen Child's Play and Silence and that episode of The X-Files, Chinga, so I'm pretty sure I've got a good grip on what'll happen after that doll gets possessed.

Toronto After Dark: Looking Ahead

The eighth annual Toronto After Dark Film Festival begins this week, on Thursday, October 17. The festival runs nine nights and showcases new genre cinema. More of a fan-based film festival than others which are industry-driven, TAD makes a point of bringing to Toronto innovative and independent horror, action, sci-fi, and cult features and shorts.

Looking forward to TAD's eighth year, this time screening at the Scotiabank Theatre downtown, I've chosen a few films that I'm especially keen to watch.

Evil Feed



You had me at "sinister Chinese restaurant."

Septic Man


I saw a preview for this at Fan Expo. There, the filmmakers told us that everyone barfed on set at some point during filming.

Willow Creek



I love found footage movies (even the bad ones, of which there are too many), and I'm happy to see Big Foot on the big screen again. Also, it's by Bobcat Goldthwait.

Big Bad Wolves



From the guys who brought us Israel's first horror movie, comes Israel's second horror movie.

Of course, TAD has programmed a line up of films that are all sure to entertain. The festival opens with We Are What We Are, for crying out loud, and Last Days on Mars is screening October 22. If last year is any indication, we'll be witness to somethings wonderful. Watch all the trailers here.

If you haven't got your tickets, you can still pick some up either online or at the theatre.

Trailer Review: Sea of Monsters

I'm told the Percy Jackson books are pretty okay. I've heard the first movie was watchable. This second movie, however, looks like five other movies. Which I've already seen and will likely watch again before I ever sit down to Percy Jackson 2.

Raiders of the Lost Ark:

Harry Potter (any one, or all of them, it doesn't matter):

Any robot movie from the past ten years:

And finally, Return of the Jedi:

I'll admit the movie does have the potential to be fun and exciting, but the visuals are derivative the point of distraction. As for the story, I see every YA trend from the past decade crammed in there: "outcast" teenagers; female warrior; super powers; ethnic cleansing.

All that's fine, really. I guess I'm just saying I'd be more impressed with the film if they went a different way. More Labyrinth and Return to Oz than Sorcerer's Apprentice. Also, does Goya not exists in this universe, because:

That's what you're up against, Percy. You can defeat all the robot terror dogs and Sarlaacs you want, but at the end of the day, you're dealing with a power-mad titan that castrated his father ate his own children.

Trailer Review: Midnight Son

Let's be serious a moment: what some indie films lack in competency, they make up for in effort.  Most of the time.  Midnight Son's only real problem, on the other hand, seems to be its lack of distribution.  From the look of things, this independent production might give some bigger-named vampire movies a run for their money.

Just yesterday I was reading about strange coincidences and then, quite unexpectedly, I found myself floating in a sea of happenstance.  It was only last week I reviewed a hard-edged book about urban vampires, and then came the trailer for Midnight Son, delivered to my inbox.

Midnight Son appears to be about a guy who's slowly turning into a vampire.  He's none too sure about the changes that are happening to him, but there seems to be others who are more aware of his predicament than he.  Along for the ride is a cokehead girlfriend, who I can only assume is having a hard time dealing with her own problems, and I'm guessing that together they learn some valuable lesson about life and, well, vampires.

The film looks like it takes a dark and dirty approach to its subject matter--I hesitate to use the word gritty.  Unglamorous might be more suitable--the vampire angle in Being Human comes to mind.  I can only hope the movie, when it finds distribution, fulfills its promise of dark introspection and bloodlust.

Trailer Review: Buried

Here is a trailer for Buried:



And here is the opening to Teen Titans:



Just saying.

Trailer: Splice

In a medical research lab buried under Chicago, two scientists seek to continue the groundbreaking research of Dr. Susan McCallister whose life was tragically cut short when she was eaten by a super-intelligent shark.  Their search for a cure for Alzheimer's leads them into stem-cell research which leads them into human cloning.  The cloning rabbit hole (so cleverly referenced by the underground lab) of course leads to genetic experimentation, because let's face it, what else are you gonna do in your underground science lab?  I mean, if you're not turning people invisible, your splicing human and pokemon DNA.

Everything's going great for the doctors Moreau until their female-ish creation undergoes a sexual awakening and channels the plot of Species.  It's all downhill after that as the woman-thing comes on to her "daddy" and then enters a shame spiral of self-destructive behaviours.  While searching for meaning in a meaningless story, our heroes are constantly dogged by government spooks who want to at once bury the experiment and use the scientific breakthrough to create a new breed of soldier.

Keep an eye out for the in-name-only sequel in which a scientist mutates into a giant man-fly.

Trailer: Frozen

Normally my trailer reviews are cynical attempts to create a likely story, followed an even less feasible analysis based solely on 90 seconds of content. I'm taking a slightly different approach with the trailer for Frozen.

Following on the success and cinematic appeal of single-location dramas like Open Water, Adam Green has crafted a story that is equal parts character study and people falling from great heights. But, though people have actually been abandoned by their dive boat, it is impossible to get stuck on a chairlift after closing.

But I'm not here to tell you why Frozen fails as a premise. I'm here to point out all the other ways in which Frozen misses the mark. It's an exercise in mind-numbing minutia! Ready? Let's go:

Riding for free
The likelyhood of a liftee allowing people up the hill without a ticket falls somewhere between 0 and -1. The lift ticket is actually a liability waiver, and should you be caught without one, the resort can sue you. No liftee I know would potentially sacrifice a free liftpass for the sake of a girl with whom he'll never score.



Furthermore, these kids are now limited to the runs served by this one chairlift, which is not a lot. But that might not be such a big deal because...


Athletic ability
...this guy can't ski. It might seem like I'm already going too far by criticizing this poor shmo, but not hiring an actual skier to actually ski totally kills any expectations that this film might contain some amazing skiing and boarding footage.

Sous-bois? I rule bois!

For a number of years I was a certified, professional ski instructor and I can say that though this guy is certainly having a good time, he (and we) would be having a much better time if he flexed his ankles and hips, and moved his centre of mass forward a bit. Following this line of reasoning to its logical conclusion, buddy's poor athleticism will eventually be his (literal) downfall because he lacks the strength to pull himself to the closest stanchion.

They also don't seem to understand balance.

Safety and preparedness
Along with a mastery of technique comes a mastery of simply looking like you know what you're doing. And that chick is not giving off an air of unflappable self-confidence. Why? Because she's carrying her goddamn helmet. No one does that. You either wear it or you don't. You don't carry one around as an afterthought.

Wear your hood. Zip up your jacket, for chrissakes.

Helmets protect your noggin and can provide much-appreciated thermal protection on really cold days. Helmets do a lot for a person, but one thing they can't do is fit over a toque with a pompom. And anyone stupid enough to ditch their helmet after realizing they're stuck outdoors is equally likely to take off their mitt and put their bare hand on the metal safety bar.


Mechanics
Chairlifts have been around since 1936, and though they have been known to hit people in the back of the legs and unceremoniously dump skiers on their asses at the top of the hill, few have suffered catastrophic failure, and none have, to my knowledge, willfully attempted to murder their riders.

And yet the bolt is still screwed on tightly.

Wildlife
I made the Open Water reference once already, but now it's time to bring it up again. Because getting stranded in the middle of nowhere isn't bad enough, nature's gotta get all up in your bidness and throw some sharks at you. And since wolves are the winter equivalent of sharks, it's only natural that a pack of ravenous lupi would harass the wayward freeloaders.

I've skied at resorts with bears, bobcats, and moose. While squirrels and porcupines are likely to be spotted on a regular basis, the bigger animals tend to avoid the crowds, and few developed ski areas are actually home to either wolves or shark-wolves.

Trailer: The Vampire's Assistant

Borrowing heavily from the Danny Phantom movie, The Vampire's Assistant tells the story of Darren, a boy plagued by teenage ennui who joins a freaky circus. The John Cryer character is replaced with a near-comatose John C. Reilly who not only invites Darren to fulfill every child's dream of running away with the circus, but also turns him into one of the lamest vampires ever, Edward Cullen not withstanding.

A sight less boring than Twilight, things actually happen in this movie as Darren embarks on a pseudo hero's quest. After first casting off the mortal bonds of family and friends, Darren must learn to harness is new vampire powers so that he has the courage to ask is mutant crush to the big dance. Guided by his Miagi-like boss Mr. Crepsely, Darren's constant shoveling of dirt helps him develop bowstaff skills which he then turns on Mr. Crepsely himself when he reveals his evil plot to turn all the teens in Riverdale into mindless drones.

The final showdown between Mr. Crepsely and Darren is a moment fraught with suspense. Will Darren free his circus kinfolk from Mr. Crepsely's iron grip, or will he, too, become another servant to the dark lord? But what could have been a redeeming ending to an otherwise pedestrian teen fantasy is tempered by studio interference when Darren's mortal friend Steve helps save the day, proving that friendship is more powerful than a thousand year-old vampire. Who can climb walls. And cut down trees with his fingernails.

DVD special feature: an audio book of Cirque du Freak read by Michael Wincott.

Trailer: Legion

It's been years since Perfection was rid of graboids and the townsfolk have slowly put their lives back together. But then an escaped mental patient claiming to be an angel shows up at the town diner, and everyone tries really hard to ignore him lest they find themselves once again plagued by monsters. When an extra from The Exorcist III begins climbing the walls, the townsfolk decide they must face the danger head-on and finally confront the deranged angel. Borrowing heavily from the only decent prophecy movie ever made, The Prophecy, and the only decent Kevin Smith movie ever made, Dogma, the angle-cop patiently explains to an audience of colourful film stereotypes that the pregnant diner waitress is carrying a starchild and the archangel Gabriel has come to earth to steal its soul.

After a good half hour of set-up, Gabriel's arrival at the diner and the ensuing apocalypse is heralded by Mummy-style special effects. In an effort to introduce a new mythology into the quasi-religious prophetical horror subgenre, Gabriel's army of angels is actually a horde of blue-skinned aliens. This subtle nod at John Carpenter is overshadowed by a much more obvious Carpenter reference when the film switches gears and becomes a suspenseful siege movie.

The stress of the situation induces labour in the waitress and she gives birth during the apocalypse. Gabriel uses this moment to launch his final attack and the waitress, having recently finished reading Harry Potter, sacrifices herself to save her infant starchild. Love conquers all, Gabriel is vanquished, and the angel-cop adopts the baby.

Sequel: An insolent and rebellious starchild must face its destiny when evil aliens from the hell dimension attempt to wipe out all life on earth with another apocalypse.

Trailer: Surrogates

In spite of my love for most things Bruce Willis, I can't help but comment on his upcoming film.



In a cross between Bubblegum Crisis, The Matrix, Dollhouse, anything written by Phillip K. Dick, and Robocop, people spend most of their time living as robots. Or, if you prefer, as living robots. It makes no difference were you put the adverb, the result is the same: people plug their brains into a machine that permits them to be themselves only in robot form. The benefits of this technology are made painfully obvious as everyone in the movie is good looking ans svelt.

Bruce Willis is one such personbot who may or may not actually be a real cop. His mundane existence is made much more exciting when people start dying--both as robots and as fleshbags. Now Bruce Willis must find a murder who is both cunning and well connected (pun intended!). The only problem is he's pushing 60 and the rest of the world is populated by 30-somethings who can't tie their own shoes without a computer. When the killer finally pulls the plug on the entire city, it's up to flesh-and-blood Bruce Willis to channel John McClane and shoot his way to the truth. The meta-narrative kicks in when we learn that Skynet is behind the whole thing and created Bruce Willis as an experiment to learn the value of life.

Trailer: Carriers

Initially designed as a flu vaccine, TK421-THX1138 was mutated and weaponized by the US government. Now loose in America, the deadly virus kills everyone it infects and even brings some people back to life! Captain Kirk and his motley crew travel across the US looking for a safe haven but continue to run afoul of the infected. Things take a turn for the predictable when people start acting selfish and stupid and lie about coming into contact with the dead and undead alike. Tempers flare and the family unit falls apart when what was supposed to be Left For Dead: The Movie becomes a tense drama about love and sacrifice.

Alternate plot: it's really "The Stand" finally made into a feature film.

Trailer: Whiteout

Researchers in Antarctica, living in a compound borrowed from The Abyss, call in US Marshall Kate Beckingsale when they find a body in the middle of nowhere, a place they were traveling to for no reason. When Marshall Kate arrives, her plane crashes in a storm which also knocks out all their communications. Stranded, with no one but general movie stereotypes to keep them company, the scientists decide to investigate a strange-looking patch of ice that shoots purple electricity. The investigation turns deadly when they awaken either a) an ancient evil, b) an evil alien, or c) Shoggoths.

Alternate ending: The butler did it.

Trailer: The Hills Run Red

It's a movie about people making a movie about them looking for a movie. That's two degrees more postmodern than average. Can our puny minds cope with all that self-reflexiveness or will the irony prove too much and reduce our sweet delicious brains to mush?

Four friends head into the woods to find a lost horror film. But not just any film, the scariest film ever. While searching out the director's cut of the Blair Witch Project, they are set upon by TCM reenactors who raided The Stranger's props warehouse. Eventually, the friends stumble upon the set of Hostel and are summarily dispatched with all manner of pointy objects. In a delightful twist that is not at all surprising we learn the film they're looking for is actually snuff and they have just starred in the sequel.

Alternate ending: The whole thing's been staged in an homage to April Fool's Day.

How does buddy know about this "scariest film" and why are the film canisters in the woods? We'll probably never know...

Trailer Reviews

We've all seen them, movie trailers that reveal too much about the film, or show all the best parts. Some trailers are so poorly edited that you can't actually see anything at all. And then there are the unfortunate cases where the trailers mislead us into thinking the movie is one thing when it's something else all together.

So with this in mind, I've started logging my insights. Each installment of this ongoing project will feature a one or two trailers and my over-analysis of each. And as we move forward, we'll see just how much of a know-it-all I really am.

Some will say I think too much. I say, not too much enough!

The Hills Run Red
Whiteout
Carriers
Surrogates
Legion
The Vampire's Assistant
Frozen
Splice 
Buried
The Unleashed
Bioshock Infinite
The Colony
Percy Jackson 2: Sea of Monsters
Annabelle
Infini
Point Break (2015)
Ouija: Origin of Evil