family

I am blessed to have an incredible family. They understand my crazy and love me anyway.

Level II Graduate

YAY CHANCE

 It's official Chance has graduated from obedience school. It's funny how much easier a dog he is. he is so calm and sweet. He is a joy to spend time with. We love that dog. He helps Sammy so much.

The bone that had been the core of the problem the day Grace was hurt has been sitting in out pantry, wrapped and waiting. We brought it out to show him and see if there was still possessiveness. He sniffed it and refused to even take it. I have brought it out a few times since and still, he doesn't want it.

We wont ever give him a rawhide like that again. They aren't good for dogs or my heart... just in case.

We have noticed when the baby is sleeping in her car seat, Chance wants to be where he can see her. If I move her, he moves. They aren't ever alone and he is never close enough for me to worry. He watches her though. It's very sweet.

I don't know this would have had such a happy ending if it weren't for Rick of South Coast Canines. We would have likely put the dog down. I am so glad we didn't. If your dog has some quirky behaviors or even just pulls on the leash. you really should give Rick a call. It's worth it.

A well behaved dog is so much easier to enjoy.

Midnight in the Garden

Wasn't I just writing yesterday about feeling like Sammy isn't autistic?  Sometimes I feel like I don't fit into the whole autism community because Sam "seems so normal" Then we have moments like last night.
He couldn't sleep it was well past midnight and here he was flapping away and making noises. I haven't seen him do that in weeks maybe even a month, so it was weird to see him doing it. In fact I couldn't figure out what was shaking the bed until I looked over and saw him.

We got Chance to lay with him. just calling Chance over and having him follow Sammy to bed, he was thrilled. He pranced over and laid down beside Sammy, snuggled up, and helped him settle. Dan covered them both with the blanket and they laid down quietly. A few minutes later and Sammy was asleep.Chance then went to his kennel for the night without an issue.

Chance  hanging out in his kennel 

 He helped us wake him again today and Sammy got dressed and ready in just a few minutes without a huge fight. We were late waking up since my wonderful Tyler took my phone downstairs and so I had no alarm. I woke up to AJ leaving the house and slamming the door at 7:35! Sammy has to be at Ms. L's for 7:55 to go with them to the stop. 20 minutes to get Sammy up,dressed,fed,packed and out the door. I couldn't find his homework since it wasn't put back in the folder and that took a bit of time. He did it Chance followed him around the upstairs the entire time he was getting ready.

Here is to hoping tonight he goes to bed a little easier.

Fraud

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Somewhere in my head I still feel like Sammy isn't autistic they must have been wrong. How the hell am I still in denial; all these years later? Seriously, it does't make sense.
He gets so much help at school, he cannot regulate himself, he scripts, he stims, he has PICA, he spoke almost entirely in movie quotes until he was well over 4, he makes fleeting eye contact, his social pragmatics are so poor he couldn't even get a a score and yet I wonder. Yet somewhere inside I wonder if it's in my head, if he really is fine and it's me who is the mess.

Then we have nights like tonight, along with days like today, and weeks like this week that remind me like ice water in my face that, yes, he is autistic. I don't want to negate his struggles by saying "well he is high functioning" because every time people hear that they think "it isn't too bad then"
But days like today SUCK.
Weeks like this SUCK
and I don't know what to do. I can't be a super hero.

I don't want people to think I am always negative, or always sad, or hopeless. I know tomorrow could be better, but I don't want to get my hopes up.
All I can say for this evening is Thank God for Chance
Sammy fell asleep and woke up nasty. Screaming and crying, curled in a ball and rocking. He couldn't stop. We tried a snack, we tried some sweets...nothing.
Then Chance came in the room rested his head against Sammy and instantly Sammy stopped , snuggled in the Chance and was giggling at the "pee fountain" he made a few seconds later (in the bathroom). He flipped out over his homework and again Chance sat beside him. He was calm, he got it done.

It isn't times like this that I doubt his autism, it's the good times. When he tells me a story that makes sense, or when he really connects. Those moments are a gift and instead I allow my emotional baggage to come in take over and create doubt. People that know him don't doubt his autism... but all these years later I still do.

The Angry Elf ~ My Heart Monday

Sammy's behavior plan tanked today. he earned exactly 0 yes ZERO minutes today. He has had one behavior after another since he got home. He refused to work at school unless he was in the principles office. He came home with 6 papers that he didn't finish at school. Even chance won't go near him he is so out of control. He is currently trying to break my door down with his own body.

I hate this.

I hate how he feels and there is nothing I can do.

I am tired.

Apparently, so is he.

the work he needs to do is in pieces on the floor crumbled up. I am  officially at a loss. I feel like were on an airplane and the cabin pressure changed. I miss when things were simple and I could just be mommy and a cuddle worked. I tried hugging him and that didn't go so well either.

I need a vacation from Sammy.

I don't know what the issue is this year. I have never seen him be this defiant to anyone in the world but me.
There is one side of me that feel validated, as though I have finally made my point. It isn't just me. Sammy really is autistic. I didn't make it up and it isn't my fault.
The other side of me says it must be the teacher's fault. the other part of me feels sad were dealing with this .I fell lost and frustrated because I don't know what to do.

It isn't fair I want to blame his teacher. I don't want people blaming me, so why am I blaming her. I am ashamed at my response.

So I'm going to go run and get it out. I will take a deep breath.
I need to find an out of the box way to deal with this. if you have suggestions I would love to hear it.

Success

Today we took Chance to buttonwood park for his test with Rick from South Coast Canines to test out of Level One. We took him over a play structure, we walked around and we played. He did fantastic. We worked on sit (which lately Chance sometimes doesn't feel like doing) and the long stay. At one point Daniel dropped the leash and called Chance (which we do at home all the time) and he ran to Dan...and kept running. OOOPS!

last week working on the long stay

I of course became anxious almost right away. Thank Goodness Rick and Daniel are so level headed. The got him back and nothing bad happened. It took me forever to settle down. The rest of the lesson was great. It's funny I have no issues putting my foot down with the kids. If I say it I expect to be listened to. I have a hard time being that way with a dog.

CHANCE GRADUATES LEVEL ONE
When Rick has him on the leash Chance listened first try almost every time. I think Rick may be a true Alpha! I am working on being assertive and in charge.Training is just as much training me as it is training the dog.
It really is so much more fun when your doing is being good. A well behaved dog is so much more fun to be around.
This week we need to work on bringing the dog out to different places. We meet with Rick again in 2 weeks.

Second Chances

You all know how heartbreaking it was when our dog hurt our little girl. I have been slowly working through all of this in my head for over a month now and I have made some major discoveries. The bottom line is the dog, our sweet Chance, is not aggressive.

We talked to the original shelter and found out that Chance is 5 years old and a Labrador/Fox Hound mix.

We started training with him 2 weeks ago with RICK from SOUTH COAST CANINE we just love his thinking and he has great people skills as well as dog skills. Since beginning training we have a completely different dog. He is no longer jumpy or skittish. He follows commands very well. He stopped pulling on the leash when we walk. He heels, sits, stays, comes and goes to his kennel. We set up a gate across the playroom so Chance and Grace are never alone in the same room together. He eats in his kennel just to be safe even though he really doesn't show any food aggression. He no longer gets rawhide treats. Grace isn't scared unless he barks. He can sing and that doesn't seem to phase her . Oh the joy of hound type dogs.

This was tonight. Dan was putting Sammy to bed and in true Dan fashion fell asleep too (so much for watching the new Footloose) Chance snuggled up beside them. Sammy really is that dog's person it seems. Chance loves that boy in a way I have never seen. He tattles on him when he sneaks out of bed. He keeps him from leaving the yard. He sits beside him when he melts down.

So tonight as I watched them for a moment I thank God for all the second chances in our lives. Without them, things would be so different.
I am quiet certain that Chance is glad to have another chance too...

missing

just a warning this post is 100% irrational pity party. I apologize up front. you may want to skip this



As a mom it's my job to protect my babies. I can't seem to let go of the failure of it. I hear sirens and I  cant breath. I see an ambulance and I my heart races. I look at pictures of baby girl before and my heart just breaks into pieces. I just want to cry... but I can't. There are tears here and there, but nothing major.

My husband isn't over-reacting this way. It's just me.

before

I am so sorry. I feel like it's just one more failure, one more piece of this puzzle that I lost.It's just one more thing I can't make right, I can't control and I can't change. I can't take it back. I can't fix it. It's an endless loop in my head "damn it Annie, if you had taken her,if you hadn't just needed a minute. Why didn't you listen to the voice in your head that said PUT HER IN HER SEAT ?? then this would not have happened." That's all I can hear. I feel stupid feeling so sad. She's a rock star. She is doing so well I cant even put it into words. She doesn't pick or poke and she lets me cover it in medicine. It would be nice if she stopped picking up beads and trying  (and sometimes succeeding) to eat them.

I always said God didn't give me a girl because he knew I would screw it up. I would damage her. I laughed about it when boy number 4 was born. Look what happened, he gave me a girl and yup... I screwed it up.

after

I know it isn't logical or healthy or any of those good sort of emotions. It's been 12 days.  Shouldn't I be over this already? really? what the hell is wrong with me that I am still so stuck on this when no one else around me is. you can tell me it's the trauma of it or what have you but my husband was there too and he doesn't feel like this...

There is a tiny white line across her lip where it's starting to really heal. I can count each stitch on the outer layer of her skin. Tiny little dimples along the jagged bright pink line that no one can see in her pictures. It might as well be neon green in my eyes. All i see in it is the failure to protect my girl, the loss of what she was. Yet another hurdle she has to jump, like having me as her momma isn't going to suck enough, now she has a giant scar to remind her that momma didn't protect her.

My Broken Heart

My Broken Heart

Some of you may know that our dog bit the baby. It was horrible and brutal , there was blood everywhere. I am heartbroken and confused. I don’t know what to do.

My beautiful girl received over 40 stitches in her lip. Our Dog was quarantined. My family was heartbroken. It was an accident, the dog had a bone that smelled like another dog, he became possessive. We put him in his kennel, Sammy let him out, the baby accidentally got put down just a little too close by our oldest son. The dog felt threatened and snapped. Tyler saved the day and got the baby because he was right there. So it probably could have been worse. Regardless, it’s bad enough.

I feel like I have sacrificed one child for another. My sweet baby girl that lights up my days was hurt. I can’t even put my thoughts together completely. I just hurt so much. I still haven’t cried yet. I think I am still in survival mode and keeping busy figuring out what exactly to do about the dog. If this had been about anything other than food, I would feel differently. This dog has never shown any sort of aggression before. It’s random. If I lost it and beat the crap out of my husband I would hope he would forgive me and move on. I know it’s not the same. I know…

I know a lot of you won’t agree on this. I understand where your coming from and I hear you. It isn’t that simple. I love this dog, the kids love this dog. Sammy has thrived in more ways than I can express since we brought him home. He is family.

I can’t eat. I sleep in fits and starts, small spaces in between flashbacks and dreams. Sounds and smells of that night are still preventing me from eating. My stomach is in knots.  I can’t put her down. I feel like I am being chased by a lion. I am heartbroken… or maybe just broken.


joining up with Shell once again.

Lightening Speed

We woke up late today with just under 20 minutes to get ready for school. Normally this would result in total absolute chaos and the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It would end with me throwing Sammy over my shoulder and sitting him in his bus seat. It never ends well when we wake up late. The pressure of moving and get it done fast is usually too much for Sammy even on a good day. We have never ever had a good morning when being woken up late. Chance once again saved the day. jumping up as usual onto Sammy's bed licking him and pulling off the covers. I told Sammy we had to move quick. He looked at me and said "is it late" when I responded yes I expected him to start flapping and squeaking. I noticed my hands had already formed fists at my side ,clenched and stressed for what was to come. Nope ...Nothing "ok, can I wear this, will kids laugh at me?" I told him his shirt was great and he got up changed his pants,put on his socks and boots and ate his breakfast. Chance did not leave his side the entire time. Sammy at his oatmeal, made a choice for his lunch bag and got his coat on to go. No issue...no argument...nothing! Chance followed him to the fence(he hops the back fence to go to the bus with our neighbor). Chance watched him jump the fence, and waited until Sammy was in the neighbors house. He came back in and went for a nap. Mornings like this I forget. Mornings like this make me smile, make me trust,make me believe that it all can be ok. There may be no magic bullet,

there may be no answers, but for today, I got more than I ever thought I would have.