Barry &.Hal

Sometimes I wonder why Barry and Hal are such good friends.

But then other times...

it seems perfectly obvious.

A Perfect Hal Jordan Dis

I think it's fair to say I am something of an expert on not respecting Green Lantern, backed by a twenty-year track record of highlighting his foibles.

For which twenty years is not enough.

Yet, this week, in Aquaman, of all places, I read the most damningly dismissive dis of Hal Jordan I have ever seen.  And from the mouth of a little girl.

NEVER HERE-O BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

A witticism truly worthy of a young person discriminating enough to dress as Aquaman for Halloween.  One which strikes at a flaw in the execution of Hal Jordan as a character that is more pervasive than his being stupid, 

or clumsy, 

or vain.

It strikes at the fact that the "Hero of Coast City" is never there.  His adventures seldom occur there, he has few connections there, and it seldom has need of him (except when it is endangered by the fact that he lives there).  

He is NOT at home, washing his tights.

It's the same criticism I make of his infamous heel-turn into a universe-destroying maniac when Coast City was destroyed.  "How could Hal be that upset about Coast City when he's barely ever there?"

My own interpretation is that he wasn't upset so much because he LURVED Coast City, but because he felt guilt for being away so much, including when it needed him most.  It was own failure that drove him mad, not grief.

The fault isn't really "Hal's", as a character.  It's the fault of the writers who consistently favor extraterrestrial adventures for Hal rather than terrestrial ones.  It's an understandable preference; Earth is, after all, lousy with superheroes and in space there are lot fewer things to hit your head on.

Fewer. But not zero.

Mystery Analysts: Coast City

If Green Lantern's Coast City is to have its own franchise of The Mystery Analysts (tm), it's probably not going to have a lot of famous mystery writers or even police detectives, because we never see any of those in GL comics.  Coast City's best known industries are aviation and film, after all.  

Fortunately, we really only need a handful of people smarter than Hal Jordan, for which we could probably just pick people randomly from a phone book.

I mean, even HAL knows Hal's stupid.

Speaking of phone books, how we got through the entire Silver Age and Bronze Age without seeing Hal hit in the head with the Yellow Pages I will never know.

But in the spirit of the original Mystery Analysts, we will try to select a varied group who are thematically appropriate.

Tawny Young

Tawny Young is one of what I call DC's cockroach characters. It's not meant to be an insult; it's a comment on a character's resilience in spite of odds and obscurity. Usually these characters persist not because they are special but precisely because they are NOT and can plugged into any mythos that contains their particular ecoliterary niche.  Tawny Young; you probably recognize the name as being a DCU character but know next to nothing about her.

She deduced that John Stewart was Green Lantern. Not the most challenging"intensive investigation", mind you, but at least she was willing to do the legwork of, you know, asking his MOM.
Or perhaps just Tyler Perry PLAYING John's mom.

Tawny Young was originally a TV reporter known mostly for revealing John Stewart's identity as Green Lantern on television.

I should think not wearing a mask would have done that already, but apparently writers and readers of that time must have assumed black characters were harder to individuate. Ahem.

But she has been used repeatedly since in other contexts, such as the Teen Titans.  I really shouldn't call her "nothing special" because after all how many reporters can take a hit from Kilowog?

"Analyze THIS mystery, ya poozer!"

In any case, Coast City is not exactly awash in detectives like Gotham City or in investigative journalists like Metropolis, so its only named investigative journalist definitely merits a spot in the Mystery Analysts of Coast City.

Hop Harrigan

You've probably never heard of Hop Harrigan, America's Ace of the Airways, before.

But he used to be quite famous.  He was not just a cover hero in comic books, but radio programs and film serials. 

"What's Van Johnson got that I haven't got?"
Hm.  A running tab at every gay bar in town?

He was (originally) the teen son of a famous aerialist (who disappeared or was killed, as the parents of heroes are wont to do).  Hop was the dreamy pin-up boy of the flying set.

I will make no comment about this cheesecake depiction of teen ace Hop Harrigan,
lest I wind up on some list of People Your Mother Warned You About.

An updated and more adult version of Hop would be a logical aeronautical addition to the Mystery Analysts of Coast City, since the town has lots of aviation-related crime.  I mean, sure, airborne adventure Hop Harrigan wasn't exactly Sherlock Holmes, but literally we are just looking for appropriate non-super crime-fighters who are better detectives than HAL JORDAN, so the bar is pretty low.

Wing Brady

Wing Brad is WAY more obscure than Hop Harrigan. Whereas Hop was a high-flying adventurer, Wing was a hard-edged bad-ass solider and spy.  He was an American pilot in the French Foreign Legion (no, I don't know how that works), but then later he was a spy.  He also did time, but that's another story.

Wing Brady is not to be confused with Brady Wing, even thought it is VERY easy to do.

A former pilot, convict, and spy is enough on his resume to qualify as someone who could help Hal Jordan think his way out of a phone booth.

He will also unhesitatingly kill the CRAP out of you if you get in his way.

Kari Limbo

Yes; Kari Limbo. Look, if I am desperate enough to dig up Hop Harrigan and Wing Brady, I'm not going to get all squeamish about Kari Limbo.

"♬ I'll never stop saying...
♬ Kari Limbo!"

Although not too squeamish to engage her, I do lack the fortitude to go over her backstory at length.  She was a psychic who lived in Coast City.   She was a "Gypsy" (because of course she was). She was Guy Gardner's ex-girlfriend. She and Hal almost got married.

She also talked funny and dressed like Extraño.

Virtually no one remembers her; she's no Lois Lane. But a psychic (fake OR real) helping Hal as part of his Mystery Analysts is, well, it's just what Hal deserves, don't you think?

She really DOES look a lot like Extraño, doesn't she?

Clive Sigerson

A one-shot character from "The Joker" comic in the '70s?! This is the depths of desperation, people.  But hear me out.

So far we have no one associated with the entertainment industry side of Coast City.  Clive Sigerson, however, is a stage actor.

Whom The Joker sokked in the head while he was portraying Sherlock Holmes and then actually THOUGHT he was Sherlock Holmes, because that's a thing that happens.

Clive Sigerson, now THINKING he was Sherlock Holmes, took on and DEFEATED the Joker. 

The Joker really is a good sport, you have to give him that.

There is no way that wouldn't make him very famous overnight.  I can easily imagine him becoming a film star after that, probably portraying some Sherlock-like detective.  

He's theatrical but supremely confident, kind of like Hal. And besides

...his origin is LITERALLY "head injury".

It's a reach, but I think Clive Sigerson would be perfect for the Mystery Analysts of Coast City.

I was hoping to find a sixth member, but I couldn't think of anyone appropriate. Do any of you have ideas...?

Our Hero and HIs Priorities

 

Hal Jordan is the hero Coast City deserves.

Heroclix Sunday: Ferris Aircraft

Welcome to Heroclix Sunday. In the forthcoming Heroclix set, there's a sweet new Hal Jordan figure.

Sorry, Sally P; no rear view available.

The black boxes surrounding some of those numbers indicate that Hal has the power "Outwit" (and that Wizkids has one hell of a sense of humor).

In case you were wondering, his construct is a baseball glove.
Because of course it is.

How does a guy who thinks up a baseball glove for protection get "Outwit"?!

So, today's map is for this new figure of everyone's favorite test pilot / toy salesman / insurance adjustor / truck driver / punching bag / boy toy, Hal Jordan.

Q: Why does Hal Jordan have no pupils?
A: Because he's got no class!

While there are generic Heroclix maps that feel appropriate for almost any hero to fight on (say, a public park), it's also nice to have bespoke ones that fit particular characters. Flash already has two such maps shown here, the CCPD map and Central City sidewalk.

As you may remember, Hal Jordan used to work for and date Carol Ferris, heir to Ferris Aircraft.  Neither worked out very well.

Can't imagine why.

Wizkids (makers of Heroclix) actually made a map of Ferris Aircraft once, but I didn't like it very much, so I have made my own.

There's a touch of outdoor blocking terrain on the edges of the map, where buildings (two hangars and two offices) intrude upon the space. There's also some elevated terrain for flyers like Hal to fly around.

Fly AROUND, Hal. Not AT.

And there are some vehicles, including planes, to serve as hindering terrain.

They hinder some people more than others.

In fact I even got some appropriate Hot Wings models to put ON those locations on the map for some 3D goodness.

Looks like Hal taxied those in.

How will YOU celebrate Hal Jordan's figure in the new set, or the new set generally?

Tom Kalmaku Pops

Eskimo Pies are being rebranded. I wish it would have happened much sooner. At least, sooner than THIS:

How about I call you ****head, then?  And then you just shut your non-eskimo-pie-hole?

As you can tell by the (non-Gil Kane) art, this is actually a later depiction of their original meeting. We don't actually see them meet in Silver Age Green Lantern issues; "Pieface" is simply introduced as a pre-existing character in Hal's life.

And eager to get out of it, 'natch.

Even as a child I knew this made Hal look like an idiot and was at least vaguely insulting to Poor Tom Kalmaku.  Not even "Eskimo is not a respectful word" insulting; just plain old "my name is Tom, why did you give me stupid nickname just because you are my boss and can get away with it?"

"But enough about me, Hal. How's that truck-driving gig going, huh? What does your banker call you, other than 'delinquent'...?"

Imagine Bruce Wayne calling Alfred "crumpet-face" and I think you'll get the point.

Now, I know that Hal is an Air Force pilot type, and they give one another (often achingly) stupid codenames based on the flimsiest of associations: "Oh, you're from Tennessee? We'll call you... Tuxedo!"  

"Get... me... out of here!"

This goofy practice (which I somehow blame Jack Kirby for) is almost a point of perverse pride.

But Hal, in the Silver Age, isn't in the Air Force. And, more important, neither is Tom.  So, it's just Hal being a ****. Geoff Johns, naturally, fixed all this because "Fixing All This" is what Geoff Johns does (especially for Hal Jordan, who has a lot of This to be Fixed).  He had Hal call Tom "Pieface" only because he heard other pilots call him that and when he finds out Tom hates it, he makes the other pilots stop.

Goeff Johns has a soft spot for Hal; his head.

It's a good fix. Doesn't actually make me forget the YEARS of Hal calling Tom "Pieface".  Or the writers making Tom say "Jumping fishhooks!" five times in every story.  Or the fact that "Pieface" has nothing to do with 'Eskimo pies' but is a derogatory term for someone a round face and "pie-slit" eyes, as one might call an Inuit person.  

But it's still a good fix.

Today I Fix: Green Lantern

You can be part of the problem or part of the solution. And I can think of no icon-level character more problematic than Green Lantern Hal Jordan, so with an assist from Absorbacommenter Cobramisfit I set about fixing him.

The essential problems with the (current) Green Lantern mythos are:

• Green Lantern has become all about the Corps;
• Therefore it is too space-based and space is hard to identify with;
• as a result, Green Lantern's terrestrial rogues gallery has atrophied;
• Hal is not the centerpiece of any sort of dynasty, plus
• Hal is an idiot.

Green Lantern has become all about the Corps. Would anyone even try to deny this?  There are 3600 (or there used to be) other Green Lanterns, and every writer seems to determine to introduce one ("Who's even WEIRDER than the last one! Space, emmiright?").  And every single one is more interesting than Hal (although he is the prettiest).  Huge effort has been expended by creators over the years trying to make the Corps (and their internal politics) more and more INTERESTING to us (include Geoff Johns' introduction of the Rainbow Corps).  I declare those mostly a failure. The Corps is ... tedious.

In addition, it's a gazillion sentients with the same powers as Our Hero. Sure, there were always a few Super-folk running around the DCU, but never THOUSANDS of them.

Unless you count the Superman Emergency Squad and all the inhabitants of the bottle city of Kandor.
Which we don't.
For some reason.

Sure, many writers have tried individuating the GLs by trying to make the case they all use their powers in different WAYS, blah blah.  Pfft; shovel faster.

Shut up, Hal.

The magic lamp that is the Green Lantern ring has been shown to do any number of ridiculous things (including accidentally turn Poor Tom Kalmaku into a seagull).

"What goes on?" is a much better catchphrase than "jumping fish-hooks', so run with it, Tom.

It makes you wonder why Hal didn't just turn every opponent into a seagull and rename himself "Green Seagullmaker".

Probably because even a seagull is more competent than Hal, so turning opponents into seagulls would -- somehow -- backfire against him

But the fact remains that almost invariably it's just used to make 'green energy constructs'; who cares WHAT those constructs are?

God knows, Hal doesn't care.

Look, stop shoving so many Lanterns down our throats.  It only dilutes the concept and makes it evern harder to view Hal as special (except in the sense that, you know, he takes a short bus to Oa).

GLs are basically like wild west federal marshalls (IN SPAAAAACE!).



I have watched more than my share of old western shows and flicks, and I can't recall any one where the federal marshal has an exciting trip to Washington/Oa to attend a meeting with all the other marshals to discuss how they are going to deal with, um, widespread prairie dogs infestations or the like.  Marshals are one person by themselves dealing with crap on the frontier (as in EARTH). You can acknowledge the Corps with references and an OCCASIONAL sojourn, but focus on Hal doing his ring-thing on Earth.

Yes, on Earth. Stop making the same mistake with Green Lantern that is often made with Aquaman: spending too much time on the part of his job we can't identify with. With Aquaman, that is, of course, Atlantis.  With Green Lantern, it's space.  It's hard enough to get Americans to care about real-life events in real-life countries-that-aren't-the-USA.  Don't make Aquaman and Green Lantern that much less likely to interest readers by focusing on events so far removed from the world at hand.

While on Earth, focus on Hal's Earth-based foes. Hector Hammond, Karshon the Shark, Dr. Polaris, Black Hand, Sonar, the Tattooed Man.  They are pretty formidable and more has been made of stupider villains, for sure.  Re-purpose a few appropriate villains, like, say, Dr. Light, as Lantern rogues and they'll get a new lease on life. 

It's not that hard, people.
Unlike Hal's head.

Heck, Rainbow Raider, who uses COLOR to control EMOTIONS is pretty much made to order for Hal.

As do we all, Roy.  

Speaking of the 'emotional spectrum', the Corps of Another Color can be used to solve another problem: the lack of a Green Lantern dynasty.  As mentions, as part of the Green Lantern Corps, Hal is just one of many equals.  Use the Spectrum Corps to solve that.  Willpower is in fact what we use to keep our emotions in check and may sure they benefit us rather than hold us back.  Let that be the relationship of the Green Lantern Corps to the other ones. Make a unified Lantern Corps, with the GLs being in charge.

Then replicate that on Earth. Hal is the GL and in charge of a team of Other-Color Lanterns. Let Guy be the Red One, Jessica be the Yellow One, and so on. You can have a bunch of familiar characters as Lanterns, with a natural different spin on their abilities, and have Hal coordinating them as the central figure in a heroic dynasty of Lanterns.

But, you wisely interject, how can you do that when Hal is, well, not the brightest Lantern in the sky? Okay, fine; Hal's an idiot.  The solution for that is pretty simple: let Hal be an idiot.

Or more accurately, dismiss intellectual acuity as some sort of absolute virtue or sine qua non of being a superhero. 

SO many heroes are hypergenius scientists. In their DOWNTIME.  Superman puttering about his Fortress of Solitude inventing robots that -- somehow -- have his powers and are functional AIs that can not only pass the Turing Test but pass it AS SUPERMAN.  Batman inventing, well, anything he needs in his never-ending war against crime.  

Even the amazing BATARANG X, painted red for stealth.

Wonder Woman, lest you forget, invented the Purple Healing Ray.  Barry Allen invented the Comic Effing Treadmill.  Aquaman didn't invent Serum X but he did guide the project and at least Arthur went to college, where he got a degree in marine biology.

And where he was vice-president of Hillel.

The only thing Hal Jordan ever invented was the boxing glove.

Don't tell him otherwise; it would break his heart.

So, LET Hal Jordan be a, um... 'non-intellectual'. Shouldn't non-intellectuals have a high-level hero to look up to?   Besides, the only kind of intelligence Hal needs is EMOTIONAL intelligence.  He should have a natural understanding of his feelings and the feelings of others, be able to check and channel those.  That should be the quality the Guardians are looking for in Green Lanterns.  Remember that originally in the Silver Age they were looking for people who were fearless.  Such people are often not the brightest.

By the same token, stop trying to shovel the hooey that Hal Jordan is THE GREATEST GREEN LANTERN OF THEM ALL.

To be fair, he's a pilot, and they are used to be strapped in during flight.

Hal Jordan doesn't need to be the BEST Green Lantern of them all. He's not the best one; he's just the most typical one.

Hal's a military man, picked for a paramilitary space police force.  Hal is solid. Hal is reliable. Hal doesn't overthink things and isn't crippled by doubt and second-guessing. Hal doesn't question orders needlessly, stays focused on his mission to the exclusion of distractions, and has a disregard for his personal well-being when it gets in the way of the mission.  Hal's confidence lets him do things that others couldn't (regardless of whether it is well founded).  And sometimes his out-of-the-box thinking saves the day because he never learned where the box was to begin with.

The point here is not that Hal took ten hours to figure it out.
It's that he WOULD.

These aren't bad qualities; they are good ones.  This kind of fortitude and doggedness are exactly the qualities that more intellectual types often lack and whose absence holds them back.  They are among the qualities that military and police forces rightly prize and we should honor Hal Jordan for having them, rather than focusing on the fact that he could never invent something as amazing as Batarang X.

Or safely take a shower.

There's a reason they picked Ryan Reynolds to play him rather than Jake Gyllenhaal.  Does Ryan Reynolds strike you as an intellectual? No. Is he very good at what he does? Yes; and is likable while doing it.  

Do the above and let Hal be Hal... and Green Lantern will be fixed.