Sweet Sandman: But God

Well, it only took 363 days to get this post out. Grey got a blog almost entirly devoted to him and Sandman gets a post. (For now...) This will be an honest recounting of my pregnancy journey, his birth and the last twelve months because God did big things in me during that time. (And it will be therapeutic to finally write it out.)

It was December of 2011. After six months of having our house on the market and even longer trying to get pregnant again, we finally sold our house. Whew! Nearly averted bitterness on the house. Pregnancy, not so much. Infertility again? Not part of the plan. Boy oh boy. Remember those thoughts I talked about last post? The ones that make you glad no one reads minds? Had some of those. We found the greatest house and moved in 10 days before Christmas.

The moved about killed me. I could not recover. But we (read: Curtis) decided we'd move ourselves and save the money. :) Of course the thought crossed my mind that maybe I was pregnant, but like many struggling with infertility the "maybe I'm pregnant" thoughts come all the time. Like a venom that poisons an already frail heart. So I bitterly pushed them out. After all, I'd already been on my meds for over six months with no luck. Bitter me said: shocking. So, I couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't fair to Grey or our marriage. The burden was too heavy.

Christmas Eve I thought again, "I should probably take a test". But it wasn't until the 26th that I even mentioned it to Curtis. We bought a test and it was positive before I even finished going to the bathroom. Now that was shocking. I couldn't believe it! Real, true shock. We're talking a meds-free pregnancy people! Wow.

So happily ever after, right? Wrong. The most intense sickness settled in almost within days. This sickness laughed in the face of zofran. I was bedridden for a solid week and daily dependent on phenergan for 26 weeks. I went from running a half-marathon to laying on the couch most all day, every day. My dear mother did everything. Came as Curtis left, cared for Grey, made dinner -- everything! I laid on the couch for weeks and let the tv entertain Grey. Not my parenting style. I got really depressed and even angry. This was not part of the plan.

Here I am at 18 weeks. Sick as a dog!

Fast forward to August 17, 2012. It's Sanders birthday. I had the greatest delivery of all time. I guess this body was made to birth babies! Hard-labored for 45 minutes and pushed for 15 minutes. So quick, in fact, there was no family there. That's when the record-of-life scratched. No cries. One pitiful squeak. The nurses nearly rubbed his gray skin off trying to get him worked up. 

I got maybe 30 seconds with him. Not part of the plan.

Under the lamp they took him, working even harder for a nice scream of irritation. Nothing. All I could hear is the delivery nurse paging the NICU team, nurses saying, "this should be happening. It's not. This should be happening. It's not." My mind was racing as the sweetest man, my doctor, finishes up on me saying, "Sarah, he's in good hands. He'll be fine. Don't worry."

But it was too late. Worry had fully set in and in a flash he was wheeled out in an incubator with Curtis running behind. Not part of the plan. Before long, I was totally alone in my nice, big delivery room. Called Curtis for an update. Voicemail. Called again. Voicemail. Repeat 10 times. Panic. He finally calls back 30 minutes later. They're holding him for observation and no answers yet. I'm wheeled to my room. Still alone. Family later arrives and Curtis comes to the room. It's dinner time now and he was born at 11:15A -- still no update from the doctor. Finally this NICU doctor comes in (who I've heard has since lost his job because of his bedside manor) and proceeds to get on a soapbox about having him early. (Like you plan these things.) This child would've come at 36 weeks had I not been kept overnight at the hospital. Turns out, Sanders will live. I had to actually interrupt his rant and ask. I was finally given permission to see him and off we went.

This was the first time I remember "seeing" him and my first real hold. First smell of his skin. First kisses. First, "mommy's here". The sound of him trying to breathe was more than I could bare. I will remember that my whole life. It was an errie gasp that sounded like a baby crying. I even said to the nurse, "who is crying?". "That's him breathing," she replied. I could not stop crying. Not part of the plan.

This was later that night after he was diagnosed with TTN and they decided he needed forced air. He was admitted to the NICU to stay. All hooked up. Not part of the plan!

He stayed so swollen from all the fluids. It ripped my heart out to see him like this.

This was the first time Grey saw his baby brother. Not the plan!

This was our first family photo. Not the plan!!

Sanders' birth could not have happened anymore opposite of my plans. Literally. No one plans to have a NICU baby or see their newborn hooked up to what feels like a million tubes. No one plans to have to ask a nurse if you can hold your child or have visiting hours or leave the hospital without your baby in your arms. Those just weren't even potential, within-the-realm-of-possibility thoughts. 

That was the hardest, longest, scariest week of my life. While I was still at the hospital, we would go visit him for as long as possible. Then, then my body would force me to leave because I needed to eat or lay down. I would be completely exhausted and try to nap after lunch, but suddenly sit up overflowing with anxiety and have to see him right then. Not having him in the room was so very hard!

After three days I was discharged. Not part of the plan, God! Horrible, horrible day. I have never cried so hard in my life. Those hours overnight were the longest, hardest hours. It did not matter that he was in the very best care. He was not with me. Nine months in my belly bonding with this miracle and he was gone. We went up first thing in the morning and stayed at the hospital until dinner. My body screamed for mercy. I would have to go lay down in the van for relief. Fact: The body is not meant to be on the go that soon after delivery!

We finally brought Sanders home after a week and I pushed the whole multitude of emotions back. My baby was alive and home. I could hold him all I wanted without permission. The past week didn't matter. ...but it did.

I had lived my life for me. "These are my plans God: We'll get pregnant right away. Sell our house right away. Have a healthy baby we bring home right away." Me, me, me, me. My plans. Now get to blessing 'em, God! It's horrible, but that's the truth.

And look how gracious God was. We sold our house in His time. We got pregnant in His time. We brought Sanders home in His time. Don't you just want to slap the bratty me and say, "your behavior is selfish and so you'll do without." I hope so! But oh I'm so glad God didn't.

Sanders still struggled at home.

Six weeks after we brought him home, he ended up in the ER and was diagnosed with severe GERD. He took reflux meds three times a day for six months. Hard days. Whew. Reflux is hard!

Reflux cleared up and we discovered a cyst on his eye requiring surgery.

It was hard. Hard to take him back to the OR. Hard to see him go under anesthesia. His eyes looked so scared looking at me like, "help momma!" Hard. Hard. Hard.

And while not one of these things were a part of my plan for Sanders or me or my family, they were always a part of God's perfect plan. And that plan was perfect! Is perfect!

I have never been so emptied of myself. Completely void of answers. It was a whole new territory. Navigating the "momma-of-two-waters" is hard enough without all theses details. But, I needed those details to really see God, to really know God, trust God and ...surrender! The new nine letter curse word.

The calling from the ordinary into extraordinary. 

My mind wants to see that calling and subsequent journey as beautiful fields full of gorgeous flowers at the peek of their bloom, boasting a fragrance so rich your senses can barely take it in. Like the "Sound of Music" scene. But it's not like that. It's a long, hard, dusty, dirt road that causes you to feel parched, taxing your body, mind and soul. Stretching your faith to extremes you never thought possible. But by God's grace, you make it through and you look back and see, the hills might be alive with the sound of music, but the hard, desert roads are alive with the power of God.

That is surrender. That's the place He is calling me to. Us to. Surrender to His plans and purposes that will include pain, trials, hurt. But, more than that, it will include Him. Walking along side Him. Immanuel -- God with us. That is extraordinary.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know the suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. (Here's the best part!) You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this way: while we were sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:2-8

He knew I'd be bratty and selfish. That I'd have terrible thoughts when things don't go my way. And the list goes on for me. And you. But God. That is my Sanders' story. But God! ...rich in mercy, abounding in love!

"When I said, 'my foot is slipping' Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:18-19

Father, Your love is better than life. I don't deserve any of these spoils. These sweet baby blessings. Thank you for the hard road. The trials that piggybacked one on another. The emptying. The stretching. For You. You are enough. Loosen my grip. My heart's desire is full surrender. Get me there by the power of Your Spirit.

Into The Glorious

It has been a long time since I posted on my blog. A solid "amen!" belongs here! This is not for lack of content. In fact, there have been some exceptionally high highs, some devastatingly low lows and everything that falls in between. There has been life. 

There has been the hard journey of trusting God when I don't see. Surrendering when I know His path is better than my dream. A clearer realization that I am made for more than this world has to offer. An order to set my sights on the things unseen. Believing I am loved by the one who sent His son to die for me. Seeing my not-so-great moments and knowing He knew that slip in judgement would happen and His mercies are still new each day. Trusting God's unchanging character when my feelings tell me otherwise. There has been life. Life lived for Him. Because, after all, He said, "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" 

I hope to dive into what all God has been teaching me in the moments that have spanned post-to-post. He has been on a diligent march to bring me from the ordinary into extraordinary. It has been both exhausting and exhilarating. Sad and joy-filled. Depressing, yet overflowing with hope.

Today, I was hiking the mountain with my boys, my brother and mom. As I hiked, reflected, prayed, and listened to Christy Nockels album "Into the Glorious" I realized, "that's it". This is it. The hard times, the pain, searing loss, the disappointment, the grieving, the happiness, the joy of life in Him -- it's Him calling me into the glorious. I was made for more. We are made for more. It was a breakthrough.

What does my life speak to? Does it collide with majesty? Am I allowing myself to be poured out as a rich, fragrant offering?  Like Jesus? Or am I scraping and clawing to stop the motion of His gentle hand guiding me down the painful path of refinement? Am I more concerned about my comfort or His splendor? Who do I say that He is? Not verbally, but as I do life. Who is He? Do I realize I fall short of His glory and so settle into that title like a comfy blanket? Or am I throwing off those hinderances, digging deep and soaring to new heights by the power of the Holy Spirit? 

Friends, this life is, in fact, meant for more than this world has to offer. The things that charm us most will burn away. It's Him. He is the only thing that matters. His will. His plans. His purposes. Those are the things that bring joy in Him. 

Life hurts. He told us that. This is not breaking news. But joy is in Him. Success is found by His standards. We know love when we reflect on and learn to love as He loves. We can lie down in the fields of green and find rest in Him. He has got this life. Our only "to do" is to surrender.

Have you ever caught a glimpse of just how hopeless you would be apart from Christ? The sobering moment when you have eyes to see the real you? The deep, unspoken thought that springs up and you are immediately thankful know one reads minds? Yikes. Don't let those be fleeting moments or thoughts. Be thankful. You can't be made more like Him until you see yourself as He sees you.

Can you hear Him calling? Inviting you in? Out from the ordinary into the extraordinary life found only in Him. Aren't you ready? 

There is no greater joy in life than Him. No love deeper, wider, longer, truer, more faithful than His. He died because His love for you and me so outweighed the physical pain He knew He would endure. A sacrifice like that deserves more for me. From all of us.

Lord, Your ways are not our ways and Your thoughts not our thoughts. Praise God! Help us to release the grip and surrender more each day. The process is long and painful, but the reward of You far exceeds anything else. Lord,take us deeper. We long to know You more, yet we stand in the way. Move us. Mold us. Make us the people You created us to be. For Your glory and splendor!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." 

Matthew 11:28-30

"This is a heart-cry from my life 

To say I love you, God, I love you 

So take me deeper, oh

I can hear you calling 

Inviting me in 

Into the glorious" 

Into the Glorious - Christy Nockels

Freedom's Sacrifice

I haven't blogged about my brother, Jake, in quite a while. Not because I haven't had a lot on my mind as it pertains to him, but simply because I've barely been able to put those millions of thoughts into a blog post.

As you may recall, he's 8 months into his deployment in Afghanistan. I can tell you without a doubt that war absolutely sucks. I think most people might agree from the outside looking in that war stinks, but (with all due respect) until it personally affects your family -- you can't truly feel the enormity of it's impact.

Recently, he was here on his 15-day leave. During his time here we did a lot of talking about his war stories, what his realities are and how little people actually know about what goes on there. I've spent a lot of time thinking about those things that we as Americans don't really know about war and I've come to the conclusion that, sadly, we don't know because we don't really want to know.

For example, we were out one night with some friends. Some girls came up and started some small talk with some of us. During the course of the conversation it came up that we were celebrating Jake being home from Afghanistan. These girls, who really weren't "girls" -- meaning young, little people. They were old enough to be married. They asked, "Soo, he's at war??" I said, "yes." Unable to wrap their minds around this three-letter word, they asked again "Like, he shoots guns????!"

Those of you that know me well, know that it took a lot not to curtly reply "Really? Of all the things you want to know about war, all you can think to ask is whether or not he actually shoots guns? I mean, you wouldn't ask a doctor if he actually encounters sick people or if a fireman actually has to put out fires. "

This is what I'm talking about. These girls we met don't know anything about war simply because they haven't made time to apparently turn on their TVs to anything other than Desperate Housewives. And ultimatley we all make time for what we want.

I finally said, "yes, the war in Afghanistan requires that he occasionally shoot a gun."

I'm going to be totally frank here and I know my opinion is not fact. But, it's my humble observation, that for the large portion of the population July 4th is just another national holiday. Another excuse to plan "something to do". A great reason to fire up the 'ole grill, pop the top on a cold one, head to some favorite vacation destination, maybe even dust off that American flag and hang it on your front porch. But that's where it begins and ends. Maybe they'll reflect for a minute on the true meaning of July 4th when they're at the fireworks display and "I'm proud to be an American" plays. "That's right! I am proud to be an American! Where at least I know I'm free."

Don't get me wrong, none of these things in and of themselves are wrong. It's equivalent to thinking Easter only has to do with eggs and bunnies and Christmas is simply about Santa and presents.

Celebrating a holiday and denying its hard-truth, history is where it becomes wrong. To only know that you are free, minimizes the on-going sacrifice that "freedom" requires.

Sure all these men today joined their branch of service in and of their own free will, but that doesn't escape that there is an impact involved in their service that spans beyond that soldier. I just wish people knew what I now know...what all military families now know. War is real. ...which includes (gasp) fighting and sometimes even death.

So fly your flag, but do it for more than just because they day calls for it. Make a point to know more about the sacrifice serving our country and defending our freedom requires.

Have you spent any time thinking about what freedom means to you? What freedom looks like in your life? What the difference is being an American versus any other nationality? What better time than today!

Before you do think on this: there are soldiers that walk everywhere...up and down the treacherous terrain of Afghanistan carrying 90+ lb packs, their guns and ammo. Sometimes those walks can cover upwards of 13+ miles -- that's a half marathon in case you weren't aware. Some soldiers are forced to work and go a day or two without sleep and when they do sleep it's outside; some go weeks without access to talk to their families; most have bullets whizzing by their heads, bombs exploding at their feet and friends that have become brothers and sisters dying right in front of their eyes. War is real. The sacrifice is real. Think on that and be thankful they're willing to do that -- for YOU!

Freedom isn't free! Do something today to honor that freedom you enjoy provided by those who sacrifice some much.

Lift up the Light

You don't have to know me very well to know that I love Shane & Shane. They sang at Apostles a few years ago and it was awesome! Their singing was good, but the glory and praise that filled that place was unspeakable. Now, my ipod and my blog, for that matter, is full of their songs. I've written numerous times before how the Lord has ministered to me through some of their songs.

I have to tell you that their newest CD, Lift up the Light, is the quintessential worship CD. Now, that sounds like straight cheese, but I really am serious. I have to be honest though, I'm normally not a big fan of "live" CDs. I mean, if I want to hear it live -- I'll go to their concert. But, this really is a must buy. Here's why...

If you're looking for something to usher you into the presence of the Lord, prepare you heart for worship, and remind you of who He is and who you are in Christ Jesus -- you won't be disappointed by their latest work.

You don't have to look far to see the turmoil in the world. Everywhere we are surrounded by people who are hurting and, quite frankly, in need of the Savior. In the song Worthy of Affection they sing, "Deliverer, You brought us out of the miry clay and set our feet upon a rock and made us sing. Holy is the Lord!"

I just don't think on the enormity of what the Lord did for me enough. This song reminds me of my brokenness before Him and really becomes a prayer that my heart would be filled with affection for Him.

As I was listening to some of the other songs, I couldn't help but reflect on God's past faithfulness in my life! Let's just take our infertility battle and Grey for example. One song says "when I reflect on Your work, I can't help but recognize Your greatness". That's just it! How could I not?Reflecting on God's greatness and faithfulness in those years are still carrying my current valleys. I can look back and know with complete confidence "Never will He leave me. Never will He forsake me." Regardless of my circumstances, one thing I know for sure is that God is good. Shane & Shane sing these very sentiments in their new CD.

Speaking of circumstances, I have to share this last favorite on this CD. The song With One Word says, "Jesus: Your name is power in every circumstance. In Your name, you make mountains disappear. One word conquers all our fear. Jesus!" Can I get an Amen?! That is who He is and thus, is who we are in Him.

"With God, nothing is impossible!" Luke 1:37

After listening to the CD, I came away with such a sense of knowing God's presence, His power, His glory, and His holiness. What a sigh of relief! He really is all I need!

If you makes you happy...

I hate that Sheryl Crow song, but in the world of teething infants I sing away. "...it can't be that bad."

While there are still no pearly whites, we've had all the symptoms that they're close by. Grey found an empty Tylenol bottle that I washed out and found relief by chewing on the top. And for whatever reason, he's totally taken by my water bottle.

Again, if it makes him happy ...

Just in case...

...you weren't sure he was cute. Proof!

Love Day

Grey and I started off Valentine's Day with a trip to the park. Grey loves to swing!



Lovin' on his dadda when he got home!




Valentine's Day Happy. Mom always used to have us a Valentine's Day "happy" ...just something simple. Grey loved his. The Sesame Street baloon was a BIG hit!

Opening his Valentine's Day card from Gigi and Pappaw...with one dollar in it! Score!
I love Valentine's Day! What a great idea to express your love all day!