Category Archives: words

With hope.

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Up until now I did maintain my narrative: “Delhi is a deranged city where people are devoid of looking at stars. Such absolute shame!” but in an over populated, over-crowded and over polluted city like Delhi, if, after a soft drizzle, you keep looking deep into the sky, have a little patience, clear your eyes and make sky your only love for some time; you can see stars twinkling. Though just three or four but you sure will!

This reminds me of a concept that I might have forgotten and kept locked in the darkest drawer of my congested, busy and dark life: Hope. It reminds me how we ought to have hope no matter what.

I read it somewhere that it is very difficult for anyone to strip off hope from the consciousness of an ordinary man. Because really what are ordinary and common people like us left with if not Hope? We can hope for far fetched fictions to turn into beautiful realities. We can Hope for a white rose in a cold desert. We can Hope for anything and everything. So why don’t we? Have we so lost ourselves in the hum-drum of this world that we have suddenly stopped believing?

Once upon a time I hoped of owning a room full of chocolates, so many that they would never end no matter how many I ate. I believed in the hope that if after a power cut I close my eyes long enough and then open them, the light bulb will glow. I believed in so many hopes. Though nothing like that happened but I can have a job and buy as many chocolates as I want. We passed years and my family could afford an inverter. Hopes become realities but only if we believe in them.

I know this is a far fetched concept and that for many hope is hoping against hope but man oh man, if I and you, the weirdest miracles of nature can live and walk this mighty earth, then anything is possible. Even Hope!

Sometimes people leave us behind!

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Have you ever wondered what happened to all those people whom you were good to? Do you wonder if they still remember you, or how you talk or what are your interests or what fascinates you or how are you putting up with life?

Well if you give your contact list a little scroll you will notice people who no longer notice your memories or people for whom you barely exist. It is quite heart-breaking to know that people who were once so importat for you have left you behind.

I recently had the honor of coming face to face with this truth. I spent half of my conscious teen life amidst a lot of people; people I dated, people who were my friends, people with whom I have shared a fair amount of my fears and people I voraciously loved and invested my time in and people who really mattered. Once upon a time my fairy tale like life had a long list of friends but now it has been filtered to three or four. Quite fascinating right?

I have realized that life is a sum total of moments, fragments of moments that we live. Our life is a memory, a constantly evolving memory and when I think about mine, it was a mere lie. People to whom I gifted my moments, don’t even remember me. They never even bothered to know if I was alive. It has dawned on me that I was never enough for these people who were so hungry for validation that they preyed on the next visible thing. I wouldn’t say they were the only ones at fault, I too was. I guess, I too needed some validation, but their validation and mine differed. Humans are hungry for love and care, it is imbibed in the basic nature of a human being, I too was but I could never bring myself to hurt someone just to get that small amount of lowly validation. I guess that is where emotional freaks are misunderstood. People think of them as weak creatures, they are preyed on for caring and loving too much. I too was.

I always tried to be faithful, good, obedient, lovely, caring, social and all the positive adjectives but not anymore. If life has taught me anything, it is that people whom you consider permanent don’t even consider you temporary. For them you are lowlier than a fling. Be it people whom you called friends or lovers or confidants, they sure leave you behind.

My Knight in the shining armor told me once, don’t give any tom dick and harry even the least amount of control over your life. Don’t be easily accessible, because people are in a habit of walking in a house with an open door on a winter night. They even feel free to sleep over, make a fire, eat and drink but they leave when it is sunny outside and don’t even bother to shut the door behind. So, learn to filter people, for every one isn’t worth knowing your fears, your weakness and everyone isn’t worth of your love and time and care. Don’t make people your permanents because people have a habit of leaving you behind.

I would like to believe…

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I would like to believe that I am a goddess, not that it is allowed in our religion or there is anything like that, but I would still like to believe this absurd fact that I am a goddess. Why does it seem so inappropriate to you, like you want to laugh your guts out? Well if I look at the fact, i can make stars appear and disappear. I can make people fall in love with me. I can make awesome cold coffee and great friends. I have the body of a goddess and face like Helen of Troy, Faustus has spoken to me in my dreams and said, “Was this the face that launch‘d a thousand ships, / And burnt the topless towers of Ilium.” And I have always vehemently agreed with him.

There is so much in this world that is non-existent to others but to your eyes it is a yet another beautiful universe enfolding its colorful petals. Others might laugh at you, “Are you serious? Have you gone nuts? There is something wrong with you? Weird!” And so many things. But hey, how does it matter? Well I have managed to laugh at all these things. I tell them, “Dude, you can kiss my ass!”

I believe in what I know, at least for me my belief is authentic. It doesn’t need anyone’s legitimization or approval, I know about the things that I believe in. So, I do believe that I am a goddess, I can make anything happen but hey do you think proclaiming ones self a goddess is sacrilegious? Well bless you, you cant even catch a metaphor.

So what do you think, can you make stars appear and disappear? Oh come on, close your eyes and open them again. See, you are a goddess too, you just need to believe in what your heart tells you. Because believe me, hearts never lie. You need to believe the way the muscles of your heart align themselves when they look at something. You need to believe in fairies too, isn’t your mother or your best friend one? Well I would like to believe so, would you?

Just Write!

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Since days i have been contemplating to write, write to free myself from all the chains that held me back. I think i have quite lost my touch with writing. For many reading is a voracious habit but i have always found myself a bit distant from that great habit. Reading is a great way to put your monsters at rest or maybe for sometime put them in different dungeons. Reading announces us to so many different universes at the same time that we loose touch with the train of thoughts that keeps riding and riding and riding. I, myself, find calm in writing, an elite habit i guess or what i like to call it. But since centuries i have indulged in writing poetry that sometimes i think prose must be given a revision.

Over years i have tried to maintain diaries only to burn them at the end and have had the habit of writing letters to people i love but have always regretted sending them away. Now, since 4 months i have been wandering the streets of busy Delhi and thinking that these streets, devoid of emotions, call for some prose. I wish something, anything, could get all this monstrosity out of my mind, the kind that consumes me day in and day out but then i remember a wise saying, “What cannot be cured, must be endured!”

So I am back, now with less poems and more prose. Maybe i can make sense of things by writing long paragraphs with distorted meaning or maybe I might find rest. Who knows? But i guess it is all worth trying; TO JUST WRITE!