I feel too vulnerable.

Something has hitched itself at the back of my throat and this lump refuses to go away. I tried to swallow the pain and rub my eyes, I even tried rubbing my hands on dirt and shutting myself up when all i wanted to do was cry, but that lump, it has reached my heart now. Sometimes we feel too powerless, too helpless to carry on with this life. It feels like we should always be on a run because there is someone out there, running behind us with a knife. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves always comes with the risk of losing it all and i often question myself, was i ever ready for that? All my life I have lost one or the other thing and to think that life after years would be any different, would bring any respite was just a foolish thought.

This conflicted mind that is often torn between feeling it all and feeling nothing at all, wants to jump off a cliff and never look back. It wants to be awake to hear that thud when it finally crashes with the rocks at the bottom of that deep and steep cliff but life seldom gives us a change to die and when it does, we aren’t ready. All my life people have disappointed me so much but what has more disappointed me, is my heart. I might not make any sense and this may all seem like a rant but the noise of all these thoughts that trigger my anxiety, leave me numb. There were days when i wanted to feel it all; the love, the friendship, failure, the heartbreak, denial, trauma, happiness, joy, success and life and now these are the days when i just want to shut my mind and my eyes to all the light that pierces my consciousness, telling me that that the world is miserable but what is more miserable is that you are still alive, you still believe in love and you still believe that it is all going to okay and that people will stop disappointing you one day. And truth be told, the light isn’t lying. I have been lying to myself since long. My fault was to be human; to feel, to love and to be vulnerable. People came and stepped all over me. My heart still beats for people, i still have rooms reserved for people, I still believe that we all deserve the best but when i look at it all, it is all just an illusion; an illusion that i created so that i don’t go mad. But finally I am going mad. I don’t want to feel what i am feeling right now; the love, the frustration. the jealousy, the loss, the separation and the truth of life.

Once and for all, I want to shut my heart to all that comes its way. I want to release myself of this torment of having and losing, of denial and acceptance, of hurt, of love and and of feeling alive. To not feel vulnerable means not to be human at all, but is that the price I am willing to pay?