Dude, seriously?

My monitoring ultrasound this morning didn't go as expected. I expected to have one crappy follicle on the left. Instead, on the right, I had one large follice (24x22), one good borderline follicle (around 16), and two slightly smaller ones. The doctor said if it wasn't for the large one, we'd put off triggering another day. She also said that at the size of the three "maybes" there could be mature eggs in all or none of them. So I have 1-4 chances this month.

I honestly was expecting bad news, was braced for it. I am so not in the mood to be hopeful. I've been doing somewhat better with the hopeless attitude of the last few weeks, despite my nearly constant urges to cry. At least I wasn't building up my hopes for a big fall. Which is what I KNOW is going to happen.

I want to continue on my merry way, planning my summer vacation (more on that in a moment), my knee surgery, and my fall/winter IVF. I do NOT (and I WILL NOT) look up a possible due date. NO WAY! This is going to fail, I'm sure of it!

Except, sigh. I'm NOT sure of it any more, and I don't want to feel this way. I want hope to go away and, if not die, at least be comatose for a while. Let me enjoy the beautiful weather and the hopefully relaxing weekends.

As a plus, we're going on vacation! To Alaska! I'm so excited! We were considering yet another trip to Italy to go to a cousin's wedding, and maybe a few days of "real" vacation (i.e. just the two of us, without all the relatives and friends), but it was too last-minute and too expensive and too much time off of work. And we have a friend working up at Denali National Park, and we thought ... let's go! A couple days of hiking, maybe a helicopter trip, a day of fishing, maybe an overnight backpacking/camping trip, who knows? The possibilities are endless.

So ... that's what I'll be focusing on. Planning my vacation. And trying to forget about this stupid IUI.

Just for posterity, and anyone who's curious, today is CD 13, the last day of estrogen, and the day of my HCG trigger shot (tonight at 10:30). IUI on CD 15 (Saturday) at 10:30 am. HCG supplements on CD 16 and CD 19, and progesterone starts CD 19 and goes until the end (CD 29ish).

And to satisfy my curiosity, here's a couple questions for y'all. Do you know (from experience or from reading/learning/research/hearing about it) if those follicle sizes sound good? Is there a chance of more than one egg, and if so, how great of a chance? Is it unrealistic to hope that one big, one medium, and two smaller follicles might mean a higher chance of actually conceiving?

Happy Anniversary to me!

Tomorrow is my anniversary! My husband and I got married two years ago, on a beautiful sunny day in my mother's backyard, my dream wedding. More importantly, I married the best, sweetest guy in the world and I'm so happy that we are still hopelessly in love, 5 years after we met and 2 years after we got married.

That's really the only exciting news of the day. I just finished up with Clomid yesterday, and started estrogen. I'm a little nervous about remembering to take those super-small pills twice a day ... yikes!

Today, I leave for Stanford for my husband's company's conference, where tomorrow I'll watch him speak, visit with old friends, go shopping, and then go out for our anniversary dinner. The only negative thing is having to get up early for the conference tomorrow, and then super early on Wednesday to drive back to work in Sacramento. But it'll be worth it!

Follow-up u/s on Thursday morning (by myself, boo) to see if we managed to squeeze out more than one follicle this month (the million dollar question - was I right about the Clomid dosage, or was my doctor right? - tune in Thursday to find out!). Hopefully IUI on Saturday (or Sunday).

Then (check out this optimism) negative HPT on July 4, AF should arrive around July 6-7 after I stop the progesterone, and we can plan on IVF in ... September? Probably more like October.

As an aside - I'm expecting a pregnancy result on yet ANOTHER major holiday ... it's been Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day so far, and all BFNs. So far the trend is NOT looking good. I feel like if we do IVF I want to time things specifically to NOT fall on a holiday, just to avoid what seems to be a huge jinx factor.

On the other hand ... I'd much rather test on a Saturday than a Sunday, which has been the due date the last few cycles. If I am supposed to test on Sunday, I waste my whole Saturday dealing with the anxiety. Or I test anyway, and then I get all anxious wondering if it could still be positive the next day. Much better to plan to test on Saturday.

Twice in one day!

I am really nervous about my ultrasound this afternoon.

First, because it is going to be the first cycle with a higher dose of clomid, and I'm just praying it makes a difference. This should be the month for my right ovary, which has had two good follicles each time previously, so I'm really, really hoping a higher dose of meds will produce a couple more follicles. I'm thrilled that I should be starting the meds tonight - I HATE the time periods in which I'm not doing anything.

Second, I'm nervous because my husband is coming along and we're going to ask the doc some questions. I don't know if she'll have us make a follow-up consultation to discuss things, but I am really starting to want some answers. Here are some of my questions:

1. Why do you think that nothing has worked so far?
2. Should we do any more testing? If so, what do you recommend? (i.e. hormone tests, laparoscopy, more SAs, genetic testing)
3. Do you think I could have endometriosis?
4. Do you think that maybe there is a problem with my eggs?
5. What do you think our next step should be if this round doesn't work?
6. What do you think about IUI with injectables?
7. How would you compare IVF to IUI with injectables, in terms of costs and outcomes, keeping in mind our ages (30 and 34) and diagnosis (unexplained)?

I think it's a pretty good list, hopefully I remember it all!

Any other ideas?

ICLW failure

I suck. I've been having a hard week and have not managed to leave enough comments for ICLW, although I'm hoping to make up for it by the end of the weekend.

Two nights ago I had an argument with my husband and couldn't sleep - I have occasional insomnia and I don't sleep well in general. The lack of sleep upset my stomach (don't ask, I don't know why), so I spent yesterday feeling like a zombie with a stomache-ache. I promised my husband one nice dinner out before the IUI, so I made myself do it, but it was disappointing to not really be able to enjoy it.

Then I slept for 10 hours last night before my second ultra-sound this morning. The ultra-sound for which the clinic was running 40 minutes late and made my husband very cranky. The ultra-sound that showed that my lining is thinner than it has been for the last two cycles and that I only have one follice. One lousy follicle. I have no hope for this cycle anymore.

I know, one is all it takes. But I think it will be easier for me to look ahead to the next cycle and some changes the RE suggested. She wants to up my clomid dosage and maybe put me on estrogen. The husband said he wanted to ask them if it was really worth even doing another cycle. I feel like crying. Again. I hope it's the clomid that is making me this emotional.

So to sum it all up, I've had a fairly crappy week, a crappy uterine lining, only one follice (not sure if it's crappy), and a cranky husband. All I can think to say is TGIF.

Still twiddling

I had a pretty nice weekend - it was Picnic Day here at UC Davis, so I spent the day checking out farm animals, meeting up with friends, and watching the Battle of the Bands (and reminiscing about when I was in college and how much fun it was).

Yesterday, my husband and I rode our bikes along (almost) the entire American River Bike Trail in Sacramento (31.5 miles) to go to a friend's surprise birthday party. We made great time, and I feel really positive about maybe placing in a triathlon this summer if I don't get pregnant. That's my big goal for the summer if things don't work out for us this spring - getting first, second, or third place in my age group at a triathlon (last year I got fifth place). Anyway, the party was pretty fun too, although it was mostly old high school acquaintances that I don't know very well, and quite honestly, I'm willing to move on with my life and not spend all my time wishing I was still in high school.

Two more days of clomid, and a second ultra-sound this Friday. I'm just enjoying the unseasonably warm weather, riding my bike, gardening, and trying to enjoy life instead of stress about IF. Although I did realize that chances are my HPT will be on Mother's Day. Great! Just what I need.

The good news is that next Friday, I meet with the knee doctor again and can stop wearing this brace - it is NOT comfortable when it's 95 degree outside! Luckily, my knee feels great, and I think I've avoided catastrophe until my next stupid accident.

I hope you're all having nice weather wherever you are, too!

TGIF!!!!

OMG, I have a half hour left of work and then I get to leave.

I have a busy weekend IRL, and pretty much nothing going on in my "infertile life" besides Clomid again. Clomid starts tonight, CD 3. Unless I suddenly start developing side-effects that I haven't experienced before, I won't really have much to say.

The only thing I can think of is that I was such an airhead. The pharmacy called me to verify my order, and said "Just HCG, right?" And all of a sudden I was like, wait a sec! I never even brought up the progesterone to my doctor - like, if she thought it helped, if it was pointless, should I be taking it this cycle, etc. I had to call the clinic and verify that yes, I should take progesterone, ask them to call the pharmacy, and then the clinic called me right back to point out that I had refills on the progesterone so I could just order it myself. Oh. Right. Whoops.

Meds to arrive on Monday. Second ultra-sound next Friday. Next Saturday I'm supposed to go up to the foothills/mountains for a girls weekend with friends. Now I'll either have to come back late Saturday night or early Sunday morning for a Sunday IUI, or I'll have to give myself my injection in my friend's bathroom Saturday night for a Monday IUI, and then ask to store my meds in her fridge. Either way, it's going to be a little awkward. And I really don't want to miss the wildflower hike she's planning, so I hope the timing works out for me one way or another.

But it will be well worth it, no matter what. I'm determined to be optimistic about this cycle.

This week is almost half-way over!

I can't really complain, because yesterday was a holiday for me, and it was SO NICE not to have to go to work. I did chores and ran errands and met up with a few friends (one with a new baby, the other pregnant). Best of all, my knee feels much better. Still gimpy, but better.

I'm feeling surprisingly calm about this "cycle" (not sure I should really call it a cycle, since the IUI was cancelled). We did our first HCG booster injection Monday night, and it went really well. We're getting to be pros. Unfortunately, this new brand of HCG that we're using seems to regularly cause that annoying reaction of a big raised red spot that's a bit painful, but it's pretty minor all in all. Tomorrow is the last booster injection and the start of progesterone. I'll have, I think, 10 days of progesterone before I get to do a HPT.

It's weird to be so hopeful and yet so calm and zen at the same time - hopeful because of the progesterone and the good reaction to the clomid, zen because we cancelled the IUI so it's totally understandable if it doesn't work. I like it. It's a nice place to be. (It would be nicer if it was already next Wednesday, but you can't have everything).

Yesterday afternoon I met up with my friend with a new baby, one of the few who know we've been trying, partly because we started trying around the time they started trying for the second time. I don't know exactly what happened with their first try - surgery and a miscarriage, not sure in which order and if one caused the other. This friend is very "all-natural", into homeopathy, organics, and so on. I agree with her on a lot of things (I think plastics and non-organics are probably pretty bad for babies, for example), but she is religiously zealous about that kind of stuff. She once encouraged me to stop taking antibiotics for a tick bite after they really upset my stomach. She doesn't believe in taking any drugs that aren't strictly necessary. She had a totally natural childbirth, and doesn't believe in medical intervention unless it is, again, strictly necessary.

I was a wimp - I knew I couldn't tell her about the clomid and HCG and IUIs. She was surprised that we were already seeing a fertility specialist, especially since our tests showed we had nothing wrong. She didn't understand why we would need treatment if nothing was wrong. I was afraid of being judged. I only told her about the progesterone, explaining how I spotted before my periods, which could indicate a problem, and that this could possibly be the fix we were looking for. She was pretty understanding about it, but I could tell she didn't particularly approve.

The whole episode was an eye-opener for me. It made me see how and why some people don't approve of fertility treatment. In this case, I don't believe that her opinion would be that if we can't conceive naturally, we shouldn't have children. It wasn't a religious problem for her, it wasn't "God's plan". I know if she was in this situation, she would be researching herbs and looking into homeopathic alternatives. I also know that if testing had found problems, she would address them sooner or later. But I could tell she thought we were being impatient, we wanted instant gratification. We couldn't just let nature take its course.

So that's Wednesday morning - lessons learned, a less gimpy knee, and hopefully a fun weekend looming on the horizon.

Not what I was expecting

Just got back from the RE, and the news was … unexpected. I have two eggs on the right that are ready to go (I think they were 24x22, and 22x21) and one on the left that might make it or might not (around 16x16).

The problem is, we will be out of town for a wedding this weekend, and I expected the IUI to be Monday or Tuesday. Unfortunately, the doctor said it really should be Sunday or we risk the eggs going on their own, before the trigger, because of that biggest one. We’ll be at a wedding in Southern California on Saturday, and we planned to have a vacation day on Sunday. Crap!

The doctor gave us three options in her order of preference –

1. Do the trigger tonight and come in Sunday morning (driving back during the night Saturday, I guess? That would be REALLY hard - it's a 6-7 hour drive)
2. Do the trigger tonight and try the old-fashioned way (since we’re unexplained, well, that might not really be a problem – I guess I will probably just worry about hostile mucus)
3. Wait to do the trigger tomorrow and do an IUI on Monday, risking the eggs releasing on their own and missing it.
   

The doctor said that she wouldn’t miss the wedding or ruin the weekend for the IUI, and I think she’s talked us into option #2. I really hope we don’t regret it.

I would love to get opinions from anyone who’s reading (feel free!), but it will probably be too late to actually help me, since we are about to hop into the car to head to Santa Barbara, and I don’t know if I’ll have internet for the weekend.

Still … what would you do?

Long, whiny post - sorry

My weekends need to stop being so stressful. Seriously. I just wrote a super-long, whiny post and now I've cut it back.

After a week of beautiful weather, it got cold, rainy, and windy this weekend (of course today is bright and sunny again, go figure). I spent Saturday at home doing chores, and then we threw an impromptu dinner party which made a huge mess of our kitchen but which was a lot of fun.

Sunday though – that was the kicker. It almost killed me. I haven’t talked much about my relationship with my mother, and I don’t want to go into it much because then I start whining and I hate it when I whine. We don’t get along well – she’s a very difficult person, spoiled, demanding, controlling, manipulative, and so on. She hates my sister-in-law and makes my brother’s life miserable because of it. She also thinks that it’s the duty of her children to drive to her house (a 45-minute drive for me) whenever she wants and do anything she demands, and if anyone of use refuses (2 out of 3 isn’t enough) the ones who do come get to hear her complain about the ones who didn’t come the whole time.

I know things aren't the way she wants them - my father died quite a few years ago, and her behavior tends to drive everyone else away. And yes, I do feel bad for her and very guilty that her life has turned out this way. Unfortunately, she also feels bad for herself and wallows in her self-pity, pushing guilt trips as hard as she can to try to get people to pay attention to her. It makes any time spent with her very, very stressful.

So to try to make this long story just a bit shorter, I went over there this weekend to clean, in the hopes that she will try to sell her humongous house and move into something more reasonable. In the midst of cleaning her house while she more or less sat there and watched us, she brought up that she really wishes L and I would have a baby.

Um, SERIOUSLY?

Keep in mind that L and I took her to lunch LAST SUMMER to tell her we’d been trying for about 8 months and we were having some trouble, but we were going to start investigating and we’d tell her when we had news. (And by news I meant a pregnancy announcement – no way is she going to know every step of the process).

I’ll try to remember the gist of the conversation from that point onward:

Me: What?!
Mom: I want to know when you and L are having a baby, you ARE still planning to, right?
Me: Um, yes. We told you that.
Mom: I know, but it’s been a while. I want another grandchild.
Me: You already have two.
Mom: I know, I love A (my nephew – she never says she loves my niece – nice), but he needs someone to give him a rivalry.
Me: He has a sister you know.
Mom: She doesn’t rival him, and anyway she loves him, too. He needs a little cousin.
Me: Well, I can’t really do anything about that. You should be happy you have two grandchildren.
Mom: I want my daughter to have a child.
Me: (almost crying by this point)
Mom: I am going to say something and you’re going to get mad (yes, she really says this, all the time).
Me: Maybe you shouldn’t say it then.
Mom: (I can tell she wants to say it, acting like she didn’t hear me) What?
Me: Fine, what do you want to say?
Mom: I think that sometimes when women are really active they have trouble getting pregnant, you know, like in the Olympics (THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE’S BROUGHT THIS UP)(and I’m not exactly an Olympic athlete).
Me: (Sigh). I don’t think that’s the problem – I am in decent shape but I don’t work out that much. You know what actually DOES cause infertility? STRESS. Like you calling me EVERY DAY to complain about my sister-in-law and all your other problems. (Yikes, shouldnt' have said that, probably).

Yeah, things didn’t go so well. She was upset that I blamed her for my problems (even though she had just finished blaming me), not that I completely blame her, I don’t blame anyone. I just know my life would be a lot easier without all the stress caused by her.


ANYWAY - Today is my LAST DAY of Clomid! Monitoring ultrasound on Friday, IUI early next week if all goes well!

Should every single Friday post be labeled TGIF? Because seriously, that's how I feel.

Work is kicking my ass. I'm not joking. It's amazing how during a fun weekend, two days speed by in the blink of an eye, but during half a workday, an entire lifetime goes by.

ANYway. I've started the Clomid, last night, I'm not even worrying about side effects this time. If they happen, ok, if they don't, fantastic. It really doesn't matter. I just want this to work so badly.

I haven't even started considering IVF yet and I already feel like a drug queen - this round I'm taking three different drugs using three different methods.

One thing I liked about the last IUI was that for the first half of the cycle, things were so busy. Remembering to take the Clomid, going in for the ultrasounds, doing the HCG shot, then doing the IUI. Then for another 4 or 5 days I was preoccupied with more HCG shots, but then ... nothing. It was like just hanging in space, wondering, trying to pretend I wasn't waiting for something in order to make the waiting more bearable.

Not that almost anyone reading this needs a description of the 2ww.

Anyway, besides the obvious reason that I'm happy about the progesterone because I'm hoping it will make a difference and cover more bases and maybe be the magical thing we've been missing, I'm also happy that I'll have have something to DO during the 2ww. I'll feel like I'm somehow contributing, helping things along, keeping myself busy.

I'll probably also be more pissed off and depressed if it doesn't work. Because what the hell, what in the world do you want from me?! (<----you = the universe)

Well then

Yesterday turned out to be pretty cool.

The ultrasound went fine, which was a relief. I told the doctor about the spotting and she prescribed progesterone suppositories (thank GOD not injections, don’t think I could have handled that). She also told me to start taking the Clomid on Thursday, CD 3, and my next ultrasound is CD 11. I’m pretty happy to be taking care of things a bit earlier this time around.

Not that the doctor has mentioned her reasoning for any of this. When she sets up my appointments, she sounds so laid-back, it almost sounds like she’s coming up with these ideas out of thin air, like “Hey, I know! Why don’t we do another ultrasound next Friday?” I feel really lucky that I’ve done so much internet researching and blog-reading to know that what she’s doing seems right. I’d hate to constantly be second-guessing my doctor.

So anyway, I didn’t want to drive back to work after the appointment, and I ended up spending several hours working in my vegetable garden. Which was great, even though it’s really too late in the season to be planting some of the things I was planting, but I don’t care. Then I swung by my friend’s apartment, the same friend I keep bringing up in past blog posts, who is pregnant and who I finally told about our problems b/c she and her husband kept putting pressure on us to have kids.

She told me she had something for me, and gestured for me to follow her to their bedroom. Then she gave me (lent me, actually) a beautiful wooden statue of a woman, and said that it was a fertility statue a friend of hers had brought from Africa for her as a gift. She said she didn’t know if it would help, but it couldn’t hurt. I was so touched. It feels great to have someone on my side, who’s rooting for us in real life as well as all the people in the computer.

(A little note to my IRL friend P, who reads here, it’s great to have your support too!)

So thank you to all of you who read, comment, or just think good thoughts for me. I hope I’m being supportive of the rest of the infertility (and related) community, too.
And now I'm ready for Clomid Round 2.

Big, huge, ginormous sigh of relief

I had an awesome appointment at the IF clinic this morning. The Clomid did its job, I guess. We saw two nicely sized follicles (too big maybe? 22-23mm) plus one that was borderline – just under the threshold for maturity (~14mm). So, 2-3 possibilities there. Yay! We’re both really excited.

We also got instructed on how to do the HCG shot. They’re NOT intramuscular. Praise God. I don’t know why they include those instructions that freaked me out. They let us practice with real syringes, and I feel pretty comfortable. I’m not sure yet if I’ll do it myself or if Loris will do it, I guess we’ll see how I feel when the time comes. The time, by the way, will come at 11pm tonight.

THEN I have to do two more injections, one on Thursday and one on Sunday. I hope those will be a piece of cake after this first one. They said I’m doing two more to boost my hormone levels.

The IUI is scheduled for Wednesday at 11am. I’m so ready for this. I’m so excited.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but I have a question for you. If you’re going through IUI or IVF, or have done so in the past, has your husband or partner come to all of your appointments with you? They’re starting to add up to a lot of missed work.

Or if you haven’t done those treatments yet, but are planning to, will your husband or partner come to all of the appointments with you?

Surely it will happen this month ...

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before, but now I’ve seen it on so many other IF blogs that I want to address it again. The constant feeling that it will happen this month, so going to the OBGYN or doing some infertility tests or looking up an RE is a waste of good time and money.

Cycle is such an appropriate word, because it does feel like an endless cycle and despite the obvious starting and ending point, there never seems to be an obvious STOPPING point, where you stop and say, wait! It’s definitely time, I was sure yesterday wasn’t it, and today I’m sure.

I mean, CD1 means that it’s a new cycle, so maybe this cycle could be the one! It’s less than two weeks until I get to try again! I can hold out two weeks!

And then in two weeks, it’s only two more weeks until I find out for sure if it worked this month (which it surely did), and if I can’t be patient for two whole weeks, then am I really mature enough to have a child?!

What will everyone think if I go to see an infertility specialist and then I turn up pregnant that month? What will the doctor think? EVERYONE will think I am overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. I’ll feel ridiculous. Better just to wait the two weeks and see what happens.

AF.

Damn.

But hey! It’s only two weeks until we get try to again.


P.S. Now that I've actually started treatment, I'm of course thinking that surely, it will happen this month. I mean, no diagnosed problems, 100 mg of Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, HCG, AND IUI. What in the world could go wrong? (<-- sarcasm)

Two for the price of one (no, not twins)

The SHG went great today! The doctor said I had a beautiful uterus, so I felt particularly proud of myself (for once). She’s such an awesome doctor.

We checked out my ovaries, and my right one is apparently responding well to the Clomid. As far as the left one – she said “you know that saying about how you have all your eggs in one basket?” I asked if that was normal, and she said it was fine.

I took some pain medication this morning, so I don’t know if that affected anything, but the procedure itself was painless. It was slightly uncomfortable when she was trying to get the catheter in, but otherwise I didn’t have any problems. I AM having some minor cramps this afternoon.

So we were of course thrilled. I mean, it would be nice to have a diagnosis, but since we’re already invested in this cycle to some degree, it would NOT have been nice to have to cancel it. Actually, it was amazing, on the way back to his office L even said “so we have some hope for this cycle, right?”

That’s not really characteristic of my completely laid-back, no expectations, life-happens husband. It was a little weird.

BUT. Before we left, they mentioned that they hadn’t received my bloodwork. Um …? I was never told to do bloodwork (aside from a brief mention at our initial consultation). Whoops. They gave me a lab slip and I went straight over there and did it right away. I even threw in a toxoplasmosis test for good measure (I have a kitty).

This was a different lab than we went to before, and the needle kinda hurt, I guess I’m a bit of a wuss. I used to give blood all the time, but I never really liked doing it. I think I’m just getting nervous for the HCG shot.

Anyway. I got TWO sets of tests done during ONE break from the office. Go me!


Update at 4 pm - Having yucky cramps now, AND I'm hot (is my office hot or is it the Clomid? I don't know). I'm REALLY looking forward to going home.

Getting into the swing of things

My appointment at the RE on Friday went well, I think.

It was CD 3, they did the ultrasound. I actually wasn’t bleeding much, so it was just like all my other ultrasounds, really. No cysts or whatever else they were looking for, so that was good. The RE talked a bit about the SHG coming up on Tuesday, then said she would get my prescriptions taken care of.

It turns out she is prescribing 100 mg of Clomid. I wish I had written this down sooner, so I could remember what she said about that. It was either that they didn’t think 50 mg was strong enough to induce good ovulation, or that they wanted a stronger dose to increase the possibility of more than one egg. I was a little surprised.

L and I talked about the possibility of multiples (including more than 2), and we both agree on how we would handle it. We also would be perfectly happy to have twins (or more than 2), but I don’t think it’s a goal for either of us. Twins run in both of our families, so we don’t have illusions about how “awesome” it is to be or have twins.

The other sort of weird thing is that I’m not even going in for my monitoring u/s until CD 13. Which seems a bit late. True, I’m taking Clomid on CDs 5-9, not 3-7. But still. This is my first IUI, so we don’t even know what to expect. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from IF so far, it’s that everything counts, and I'm not thrilled about the possibility of screwing up this cycle, even if I'm overreacting. If we miss this cycle, we definitely miss the next one, too, since we'll be on vacation.

I realize I haven’t been through nearly as much as many other infertiles out there ... yet. And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to. I still have hope that there's a chance this will work on the first try.

It seems like for the doctor to say “ah, well CD 12 is on a weekend, we’ll just push it back to CD 13” ... well, I don’t know what I’m talking about, but doc, please don’t screw this up for me.

Crossing my fingers until next Monday.

On a side note - took my first 100 mg dose of Clomid last night, and experienced some dizziness and/or lightheadedness. Hubby says that it's cool, like being drunk. Um ... yeah. Whatever.

CD 2 of IUI#1 !!!!!

And heeeeeeere we go!

Today is a much better day than yesterday. Yesterday continued to suck with depression and cramps. Yesterday was not my friend.

But! Last night I slept. It was wonderful. I went to bed at 10:30 and I did wake up briefly (I think around 6) and got up at 6:30 and yay, I feel so much better.

And now I'm shocked that tomorrow is my first u/s!!!! Hooray! AND my first day taking Clomid! Not so hooray!

I'm wondering about doing an u/s while AF is here. That seems a little ... weird. I'll have to write about it tomorrow, I guess, if I have time. Tomorrow is a busy day. U/s in the morning, then work and training, then running with my friend and then rock climbing. At least, that's the plan.

So, here we are CD 2. It's exciting.

Reality bites

It’s what I was more or less expecting, and although I have had a few periods of depression over the last 4 or 5 days, I’m feeling mostly level today.

I had spotting last night, of course. And a tiny bit today. I not only expect full-blown AF tomorrow, I had BETTER have it. Because if we’re going to move on this thing, I want to call the RE ASAP to start making my appointments. I’m totally dedicated to this. I want it to work SO badly.

So this week I’ll have my first u/s, hopefully Thursday or Friday (or maybe this weekend), and then start taking Clomid. Early next week I should have my SHG. Then around the end of next week or next weekend or so I’ll have the second u/s, and they’ll give me my HCG with an instruction of when to take it. Or else I’ll need another u/s before that, we’ll see. And then we go in for the big IUI.

I’m really excited and nervous. I don’t know if we get to do a blood test or anything before the 2ww is over, and even if we would, we might be in Italy by then, so I don’t know what will happen as far as determining the results. I know I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t work, which is too bad. I wish I could be a bit more realistic and less emotional. Ah well, that’s what L is for.

OK. Here’s the plan. Again.

We’re going to push our trip to Italy back by a week, probably leaving on February 12 and staying about two weeks.

I expect AF on January 21 or 22. So I would have my first u/s sometime between January 21 and 26, more or less. Then, either at the same time or soon thereafter, I will have my saline contrast sonogram. Then I take the Clomid. Then I have my second u/s, and hopefully they can tell what’s going on. And then we decide what day to do the IUI, and they give me a shot to give myself (I think) to trigger O. Then L delivers his sample and I go in for the IUI.

In a nutshell.

And somewhere in all of that L gets his infectious disease testing. And the boy does not like needles. Great.

But! Hey! In about week we should be getting started! How’s that for ya?

Tech talk

Both L and I were happy with the consult with the RE last week. She was friendly, really nice, funny, and understanding. Best of all, she gave us an up-front assessment of our costs. She suggested IUI, which is, I’m sure, their usual first-line approach with just about everyone. Also, since they’re an infertility clinic and specialize in these things, I’m guessing they don’t waste a lot of time messing around with waiting and seeing.

Since we’re planning to go to Italy soon, theoretically sometime during one of our next two cycles, one of those cycles won’t be available for an IUI. Theoretically again, they’re both available for Clomid, and the one cycle where we’re here for the entire first two weeks would be available for IUI (with Clomid). I think the big question for us now is to decide whether we want to do an IUI yet, or just stick with Clomid until we’re back from Italy (which would put IUI around mid-March, with two Clomid-only cycles first). And if we do an IUI sooner, we have to decide which cycle we want to do and adjust our plans for Italy accordingly. Trouble is, we really need to buy our plane tickets soon.

The problem I’m having is I still keep thinking that next month is the month when it’ll work and I’m getting myself all worked up about nothing and I’ll look back and laugh at myself for being so paranoid. ARGH! I hate that!

Anyway, apparently an IUI cycle is around $1000. We do have to do some tests first. They want me to so an SHG (they quoted us, I think around $350), L has to do some disease testing because he would be considered an organ donor in California (?!?!?!), and I would have to do genetic testing. They also suggest doing another SA on L, but said that they can do it at the same time as the IUI. All of that will add up to between $1000 and $2000, I think. So we’re looking at $2000-$3000 for testing and one IUI cycle.

Well, that’s enough tech talk. The other good news is I had a fairly relaxing, not-too-stressful weekend in San Diego. That’s awesome. I came home incredibly tired and fell asleep on the couch watching TV after dinner, but at least I was completely stressed out. I need some more days like that.

Totally calm

I swear, I am calm, collected, cool as a cucumber. It’s crazy. I’m enjoying this month off, which is why I’m not really writing here. I’m considering this a month of not trying, not preventing (NTNP, right?). I’m still sort of trying in the back of my mind – I mean, I don’t want to completely wash my hands of this cycle. In the sense that I am aware in the back of my mind that I should ovulate sometime this week or weekend, so I am definitely going to do my best at BMS this week, but only because I feel like it. No OPKs, no checking my calendar, etc.

And instead of even thinking of a HPT, I’m looking forward to AF because then I can start counting CDs until CD3, when I get to take Clomid. Yay! I think my first day of Clomid should be around January 24. Although that’s just approximate.

Anyway, just to stay updated on other things, we cancelled the SHG yesterday. We have our consult with the RE today. We’ll see what she thinks of the SHG and the Clomid based on our records, which hopefully have come over from the OBGYN. I haven’t done a thing about our hospital bills (sigh). I REALLY should.

So that’s where we are. Consult today, theoretically medication in just a few weeks (!!!!), and then we’ll see. How awesome to be actually doing stuff.