Adoption fund

We wouldn't normally do this (and I still feel kind of funny about it actually) but due to popular demand, I am putting a PayPal button below. If you feel led to donate to our adoption fund, you can click on the link below. Please do not feel obligated. Your generosity of prayers and well wishes over the past two years has already blown me away and I feel bad asking for anything else. You are all amazing and I am eternally grateful!

PS - If another couple comes forward before we do (we hope to know tomorrow if we will have the money) and this little baby girl is not meant to be ours, we will use this money towards another adoption.

Potential adoption situation

I need your prayers. A fellow blogger was kind enough to alert me to a potential adoption situation today. After speaking with a couple individuals and getting all the details of the situation, we are definitely interested.

There is just one catch - we need to come up with $25,000. And we don't have it.

Here's the story in brief - a couple backed out of adopting a one-month-old biracial baby girl today. The birthmother has surrendered her rights and the baby is in the care of a nanny who the attorney's office uses to care for babies before they're placed. The baby is healthy, but born premature, although she was developmentally further along than expected at birth, is gaining weight like she should be, tests fine in everything, and has been called perfectly healthy by a pediatrician this week.

The woman I spoke with from the law office said the first couple to come forward wanting to adopt this baby will get the baby (assuming they check out and everything works out). As of this afternoon, there was one other couple who had inquired about the baby although the woman wasn't sure how interested they were. I told her I am extremely interested, and the only thing holding us back was trying to come up with the money.

We'd have to have the money when we picked up the baby (not sure how soon that would be, though, since our home study would have to be reviewed under the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children). But even if a bank was willing to give us a loan (which I still think is a long shot in this economy), it would take a while, probably too long. So that's not an option.

I'm not sure what we're going to do at this point, but I feel at peace about it. We're going to pray that somehow the money comes together miraculously, and if not, then the baby was meant for someone else and we'll continue to wait.

I'd appreciate your prayers for all involved.

Terrible results

My progesterone was 13.8 on peak +7. I am floored. I think that's the lowest it's been in an long as I can remember.

What does this mean? Am I the only crazy person whose progesterone actually gets LOWER on a progesterone supplement (I'm taking 100 mg endometrin twice a day)? When not taking progesterone supplements, it's usually in the high teens, sometimes in the 20's and has been as high as 44 in the past. And now 13?

Last month my doctor told me it needs a cycle before it kicks in, but this is my second cycle on it!

And you know there isn't a lot of information out there on something when your own blog comes up when you google it!

I'm trying not to freak out. It's just that I didn't even go on this to raise my progesterone. It has always been great. I went on it because my doctor said my estradiol/progesterone ratio was a little off. And now my progesterone is low!! Does this mean it'd be even lower if I hadn't taken it the past two cycles? I doubt it. I seriously think that somehow taking progesterone is actually lowering my progesterone. But how is that even possible?

My estradiol was 129 in case you're wondering. Interestingly enough, the ratio is perfect. Great! My progesterone is lower than normal despite inserting it you-know-where twice a day, yet my ratio is dead on!

My doctor's office called in a prescription for more endometrin but I don't even want to take it now. What's the point? Why go through terrible cramps, mood swings, headaches and leaking all day long for lower progesterone? (Update: Ya, it would cost $250 so I won't be picking that up. I could call and ask for my doctor to call in an order for only a few pills, if they even do that, but I'm not going to waste my time).

My body is a mess. It can't even get this right.

I just hope and pray that at least this might reveal some problem that hasn't been diagnosed yet. At least that could come out of it.

And good riddance, 2009. I hate you! Yes, I hate a year. The whole, entire, terrible year. You were the worst year of my life. When I hear you talked about in the future I will cringe. At least this was a fitting way to end it. Hope tomorrow is better.

Crazy progesterone

I am a basket-case today. Is Endometrin doing this to me? I thought progesterone was supposed to make you happier. It does list mood swings, irritability, and headaches as common side effects, so I guess I'm right on track! It should also warn of constant crying, screaming and despairing. And the inability to find satisfaction in anything.

Little problem with the progesterone (other than the above) - the box of Endometrin was missing a few doses (no, it wasn't tampered with...it was a very generous donation) and it will run out on Saturday, which is peak +11.

Any advice about what I should do?

I figure I have a few options: 1) Call my doctor and get a new prescription (that is, if they are open on New Year's Eve), 2) start parcelling it out and take one a day starting tomorrow (is that a bad idea?) or 3) take my last dose the morning of peak +11 and then that will be it.

I'd hate to make all of the cramping and constant leaking totally worthless. I mean, I'd like to see if it had any affect this cycle and stopping it short just seems like a waste. Please let me know what you think.

Just needed to remind myself...

I am not to blame for my barrenness.

God is not punishing me for sins of my past. How good or bad I was as a teenager has no bearing on my inability to have children (thanks be to God).

My barrenness has nothing to do with my prayer life.

God isn't waiting for me to say a certain novena before putting a baby in my womb and there's not some magical combination of words that will finally make Him realize I want to be a mother.

He already knows it.

My infertility is not due to my inability to find the perfect medical care.

I can go to the ends of the medical universe, but only God can heal me. My future isn't riding on me finding the right doctor, the right drugs, or the right diagnosis.

I didn't do anything to deserve this, and if I am ever blessed with a child, I won't have done anything to deserve that.

I am not to blame for my barrenness because I am not in control.

Christmas pics

Thankfully I have felt fine since going back to taking the Endometrin twice a day. I did have some pain today, but it felt ovarian this time. Not sure what that means. I'll be getting my peak +7 blood draw tomorrow and I'm really hoping my progesterone is higher this month. We shall see.

I'm about to get into bed (way early for me, I'm blaming the progesterone) but wanted to share some pictures first:

Our nephew trying on the shirt we got him

Sophie didn't seem to mind having bows around her for a good part of the day

Here she is with her favorite uncle

It was long overdue, but I finally painted my sister-in-law's wedding bouquet for her

A better view of the painting

Having the painting to do actually helped lift my spirits right before Christmas. I know I should be doing more projects like that, it's just that depression is a downward spiral - I don't have the energy or the drive to do the very things that would make me happier. I'm going to try though.

That being said, I actually am working on a project right now. It's in the very beginning stages, but I think I've come up with an adoption fundraiser. More to come on that soon!

Christmas side effects

So I spent Christmas night on the bathroom floor writhing in pain, trying to puke (and, I might add, it seems like a fitting way to cap off the roughest year of my life).

It had to be a side effect from taking the Endometrin. I started it on peak +3, which was Christmas. I took one dose (100 mg) in the morning and another at night and was fine during the day, except for feeling drowsy. But at night, shortly after my second dose, I started feeling terribly nauseous. Then, a few minutes later, awful cramping started. It wasn't exactly like endometriosis pain I've experienced in the past (this was higher, possibly my intestines or even my stomach convulsing) yet it was nearly just as bad. And that's bad.

It came and went in waves and I would have been screaming in pain if I hadn't been at Ryan's parents' house, with everyone else soundly asleep. I finally went in to the bathroom, hoping to throw up to relieve the pain. I didn't, though, and after sitting on the bathroom floor for a while, I remembered I had some Tums. After taking two of those, the worst was over.

I didn't exactly eat all that healthy during the day, but I have no doubt the cramping was from the Endometrin and not due to food. I looked on the information packet that came with it and saw that 12% of people who take it experience abdominal cramping. That's a pretty high percentage when you think about it.

That night I swore I would never take it again, but by the next morning I decided to keep going with it. I took only one dose on the 26th (before bed), just to ease back into it, and didn't feel sick. I'll take both doses today; I did the first this morning and felt fine.

Nothing much else going on. I talked to Dr. B on Christmas Eve about my thyroid results (tsh - 0.02, normal: .40-4.5; t3 – 294, normal: 230-420; t4 – 0.6, normal: 0.8-1.8). He, too, said they were normal (the t4 seems low to me, but I trust him that a little lower than normal must not matter). And, the good doctor that he is, he trusted my gut instincts that I needed more synthroid and said I could go back to the dose I was on this summer (it was cut in half in August and I have had some symptoms ever since then).

I also asked him about possibly having a pituitary problem, rather than just coincidentally having issues with my thyroid, adrenals and prolactin output. He said he does suspect that I have an issue in my brain somewhere between my pituitary and my hypothalamus, but that there is really nothing than can be done about it (other than treating the separate issues like we already are, I'm assuming). He also said there is very little known about this part of the brain and while research is currently underway around the country, it's just not there yet.

I can't wait to hear what Dr. S thinks about all of this.

In other news, we just got home from spending Christmas with Ryan's family. We had a great visit and I wasn't totally depressed for a few days, which is always nice.

It at least felt like Christmas while we were there, since it sure doesn't feel like it at our house. This is the first year in my whole entire life that I didn't have a Christmas tree. Or any lights outside. I guess I have just been so depressed about not being a mother than I didn't even have the energy to go through the motions. And for the first time in our marriage, neither did Ryan (I'm really dragging him down!). And it didn't even bother me, because I really felt like it was a true reflection of our life right now - barren. It felt extremely fitting.

And while it might have been okay for Advent, I really need to muster up some joy for the Christmas season. I'll try. It'll help if I don't have terrible stomach cramping this week!

Helpful passage and video part II

While in adoration today I came across a great Bible passage that I wanted to share with you:

The works of God are all of them good; every need when it comes he fills. No cause then to say: "This is not as good as that"; for each shows its worth at the proper time. So now with full joy of heart proclaim and bless the name of the Holy One. (Sirach 39:33-35)

It says so much and, at the same time, makes me question a lot.

First, the works of God are all good. That's something those of us dealing with infertility need to remember often. We are good, despite our broken bodies; infertility can be used for good, despite the suffering that it brings; and, no matter how we feel right now, we are on a path that is, because God paved it, essentially good.

Every need when it comes he fills. Some of us might beg to differ with that one. Yet, is it true? If we believe that God is who He says He is, then yes, it's true. And it is true in my own life - despite my extreme focus on one thing I do not have, I have so many needs met. I have food, a home, love. And, as much as I might not want to admit it, maybe being a mother is not actually a need. I want it, that's for sure, but God knows better than I what is a necessity in my life.

It also speaks to the speed at which God fills our need - when it comes. That sounds pretty immediate. He doesn't make us wait for things we need; He's not up there delighting in watching us suffer. But, then, why are we all left waiting for something as intrinsically good as a baby? I don't know. Again, maybe it's not a need, but then why are so many people hungry and cold? Those are definitely needs. I guess this is where sin and free will enter into the picture. And I sure don't have the answers!

This part really speaks to me: No cause then to say: "This is not as good as that." How often do I think that I am less than others because of my inability to procreate. How often do I think that God has left me behind, has forgotten me, even made a mistake in creating me. But He hasn't. We are all God's creatures - the fertile, the infertile, the healthy, the sick, the able-bodied and the handicapped. One is not better than the other; at least God doesn't see a difference. In His eyes, we are just as good as the women who conceive at will. It goes back to the first line - the works of God are all good.

And the last line is a reminder to me of what I should be doing, despite my sadness - So now with full joy of heart proclaim and bless the name of the Holy One. I know I should be praising God more. I should be thanking Him for my suffering, for this time to grow in my relationship with Him. I should be praising Him no matter what darkness I have in my life. And it's also a reminder to spend less time questioning Him and more time blessing His name. There shouldn't be any time left to be upset because I should be praising Him always. I don't do enough of that in my life, or, more specifically, on this blog. I need to change that.

Anyways, it helped me today so I thought I'd share it with all of you.

Now, Part 2 of my sister's wedding video (this does not pick up where yesterday's clip left off. We've skipped ahead about twenty minutes here, to the end of the Mass). And you might start noticing a theme with the music. Anyone recognize it?

What's been going on

Believe it or not, there are actually some things going on in my life other than crying and complaining! Well, truthfully, not too many things, but a few.

- I had a positive OPK a couple days ago on cycle day 14 (yay for small blessing!). I also had what might have been ovulation pain later that night.

- My temp didn't exactly rise like I hoped it would (and it usually always does). It dipped four tenths of a point the day before my positive OPK, then went back to what it had been before the dip. That got me concerned. Anyone has any insight on this?

- I was nauseous two days before ovulation. Would that be from estrogen? Also, as was apparent on my blog, I was utterly depressed (thank you, thank you, thank you, by the way, for all your uplifting comments). After what I believe was ovulation, my mood improved. Would that be due to rising progesterone? I am such a slave to my hormones!

- So I have a pack of Endometrin here that a friend sent to me (you know who you are!), and I'm hoping my doctor won't mind me just taking it. I'm waiting for him to call back so I can ask. Here's the question though - if he doesn't call me back (I've been waiting several days already, and today may be my peak day), would you just start taking it anyways? And if so, would you do it on peak +2 or 3?

- In news unrelated to my cycle (I know you are all breathing a sigh of relief), I got to babysit baby Ethan last week! He was so cute and so good. Here he is with Ryan when he stopped home on his dinner break:


- Like everyone else, we've also been busy lately with Christmas parties. We had a wedding thrown in there too. Here are a few shots from them:

Ryan's work Christmas party (with a good friend)

Another party with, from the right, GIMH, me, and no that's not Amber, it's her twin sister, C!

At a super-fun wedding

- I also just finished some big projects and I really feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. What a great feeling! One of those projects was editing my sister's wedding video. I'll post a couple short pieces of it the next few days for your viewing pleasure. Here's the first installment:

Holidays

I'm dreading the next couple weeks.

I know that sounds terrible, but the reality is that the holidays can be a really rough time for an infertile. Not just because they are fun family times that remind me that I'm lacking a family of my own (which, I might add, is a huge part of it), but also because the holidays are yearly markers of my childlessness. Another Christmas. Another New Year's. You all know how it is. And this will be my sixth since I was married.

And then there's my birthday. It's coming up on Jan. 2 and I wish I could just sleep through it. I am trying to be thankful to God for another year, but it's hard. Turning a year older, still with no children, is terrible. No offense to those older than me, but I just cannot fathom that I'll be 33, still with no hope of having a child any time soon.

I don't want to just complain here. I'm going to have to endure it, so I want to come up with a coping mechanism. I'm going to try my hardest to focus on the real meaning of the season the next couple of weeks. Try to get the focus off of myself. But, honestly, I don't expect that to lessen the heartache whatsoever.

I am so sick of having a cycle, of seeing mucus, of my mind playing tricks on me that I should even care! Hahaha.. I have clear mucus. So what!!!! I have never once, ever, ever, ever conceived. I have no reason to hope that it will ever happen. Clearly my body isn't capable of it whatsoever.

And adoption? Ha! You all know how that is going. I never in my wildest dreams thought that adopting would become just as unlikely as a positive test. Never did I imagine that the adoption wait would be so painful that I'd resort to turning my attention back to my charts.

I think that might be why I'm so tortured lately. I know that I can't conceive, yet I am forced to pretend I have a chance just to get my mind off of adoption not working out.

And, for those of you wondering whether we've considered fostering, we have looked into it but we really don't think we are capable of taking on a child with severe medical needs. And, unless I am looking in the wrong places, the only children we have found (we would ideally like to adopt a two-year-old or younger, but we're looking at those under five) require serious medical attention, some even round-the-clock nurses. Serously, a woman with depression is probably not their ideal care taker. Not even close.

So, for now, I will keep plugging along. Go through the motions. Cry a lot. Try to not bring everyone around me down (I've gotten good at that). Try not to be mean. Do my best to keep the pain inside and offer it up. Focus on the Lord's birth, and not my own heartache.

I am so sorry that this is what this blog has turned into, but I don't know what else to write. This is the ugly truth.

Infertility irritability

I know I sound like a broken record, but I've been struggling lately. There is just so much that is upsetting me, and I just can't seem to get a grip on it.

I see my life collapsing around me, and I can't reconcile whether it's me causing it or if it's being done to me. On the one hand, I feel like it's all happening to me - that infertility isn't my choice, it's causing me great suffering, and I can't be responsible for how it makes me act (let alone the strong possibility that one of my medical conditions is making me irritable). If it were up to me, I'd be a happy-go-lucky mother right now, but the reality is that I'm not. So not only do I have to deal with the pain of infertility, I have to try to act perfectly normal and happy despite it. It is hard enough to live like this without having to worry about how I act towards others.

On the other hand, I know I have a responsibility to be kind and loving to everyone (mainly talking about my husband here) despite whatever is happening to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I do have to rise above my problems and not only deal with the frustration and heartache, but also the difficulty of being nice despite all of that. I guess that is just part of the struggle; it goes hand in hand.

I guess I should explain the problem - I am depressed and therefore very irritable. I have even recognized, myself, that I am irritable lately, so it must be bad. I have not been a good wife, and infertility is definitely taking a toll on my marriage. Although I do think this is normal; not good, but par for the course when you're dealing with any life-altering problem.

So I have vowed to work on it. But part of me resents that I have to work on that, while working on my relationship with God, my lack of a prayer life, my sadness, my jealousy, my medical issues, adoption, etc., etc. I feel like I am overflowing with things I need to work on and I don't know where to start. I know my husband should be a top priority (as is just being a kind person in general), so I am moving that up higher on the list.

I know I need to continue to take it to God, lay all of my problems at his feet and ask for His help and mercy.

I am so sick of being miserable, of being sad, of having my emotional pain actually hurt me physically. I want it to all go away.

And what if it really isn't my fault that I am acting this way? What if is it one of my many medical conditions causing my irritability? I tend to think this is the case, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I need to overcome it.

Speaking of medical problems than can cause irritability, I had my thyroid tested and got the results yesterday:

TSH - 0.02, (normal range: .40-4.5)
Free t3 – 294, (normal range: 230-420)
Free t4 – 0.6, (normal range: 0.8-1.8)
(*I am currently taking 25 mcg synthroid and 25 mcg cytomel)

The nurse said my doctor thought they were perfect, but they don't seem too perfect to me. The reason I had the test done in the first place was because I had gained weight and I called to see if it might be due to the hydrocortisone I'm taking. Dr. B said no, but it could be my thyroid. He hasn't looked at these results yet (they went to my other doctor by accident) so I am waiting to hear his thoughts.

In the meantime, though, a quick google search lead me to diagnose myself with secondary thyroidism. I'm not saying I really have this, but it did get me thinking. I am hypothyroid (even on medication), have extremely low cortisol levels, and high prolactin - three things that originate in the pituitary. So could that be where the real problem lies?

Whenever doctors see that my prolactin is elevated, they always ask if I've had an MRI of my pituitary, but I never have. Could I have a tumor? If I do/did, it might be under control now since my prolactin level is normal on medication. But just the fact that I had that problem in the first place makes me wonder.

Those things are all connected, so I think the answer to my infertility could really lie with the pituitary. I'm waiting to talk to Dr. B about it, and then I'll be sure to talk to Dr. S about it next month.

In the meantime, I will try my hardest to be a kinder, more loving person, whether it's a medical problem or not. That's a really tall order! My prayer buddy is going to have to work overtime for this!

My sister

I need your help. My youngest sister probably has endometriosis. I'm making it my own personal mission to make sure she gets help now (and the right help) and I'd like to see what all of you think.

So she has been having painful cramping since she was a teenager and, at that time, her doctor put her on birth control for it.

Well, a year or so ago (she's now 27), she started to have extremely painful episodes exactly like my endometriosis attacks. Like identical. It happens on the day before or the day of starting her period and it's debilitating. She describes exactly what used to happen to me. Terrible pelvic pain, thinking you might die. I told her right away about the only solution - taking four advil and using a heating pad - and it works. And, like me, it doesn't happen every cycle. It's probably only happened two to three times total. And, for what it's worth, she also developed a sensitivity to caffeine around this time, at the same age that I did.

I knew the first time she told me about it what it was. I mean really, what else could it be? And no matter what it is, it should be dealt with.

For the past year or so I've been encouraging her to go to the doctor. I've told her all about NaPro and finding a good surgeon, and I've stressed how important it is to get it taken care of as soon as possible. She's not yet married, but I've told her over and over how I would be doing her a great disservice if I let her wait until six months after her wedding day before seeking help. Not only would that cause her unnecessary heartache, but the endometriosis could also have gotten progressively worse.

Today she saw her ob/gyn. I encouraged her to take that first step, since it was small and doable and because I thought going to see Dr. S in PA might be too overwhelming right off the bat. I prepared her for the appointment, made sure she mentioned that her older sister had stage IV endo, and that she didn't want to only go on Lupron.

Well, the one thing I didn't think of was the one thing the doctor suggested - a stronger birth control pill to suppress the endo (which she agreed it most likely is). The one that gives you only four periods a year.

Now obviously I told her this isn't a good idea, but I wasn't exactly sure of the reasons why. I am not an advocate of birth control, and obviously don't support it for moral reasons, but I am not very knowledgeable on the medical reasons behind not using it. I know pumping your body full of chemicals isn't a good thing, and I imagine that using something to suppress a problem doesn't solve it, right? The last thing I want is for her to just ignore the endo for the next couple of years until she goes off of it when trying to conceive.

Her doctor also told her that surgery doesn't always fix it and that she'd hate for her to go through all of that and not get rid of the endometriosis. But, as I told my sister, a good surgeon will get rid of it, or at least get rid of it for several years. I know surgery doesn't cure us (obviously, since mine came back), but it's the best option, right?

So her next step is deciding whether to fill the prescription for the strong bc pill. She also has an appointment for an ultrasound (although the doctor did tell her that it can't totally diagnose it, which I was glad to hear she said) which she's going to go to. And I'm really encouraging her to call Dr. S's office and make an appointment (I told her that the bloggers are now scheduling into March). I gave her the number this afternoon and hopefully she'll call. If she decides not to, or if he doesn't take her insurance, she could end up having it done around where she lives. If that is the case, what are the important things to ask the surgeon to make sure they are doing it the correct way?

She is obviously very upset and overwhelmed about all of this. I'm so proud of her for going to this appointment today and making a step in the right direction. Now I hope she gets in with Dr. S and can have surgery with him.

It must be scary to have to deal with this before you're even married, but I know I wish that I had done that. I just want her to get it taken care of before it ends up causing her years of heartache. If I know I can do something to prevent her from going through what I have, I'll do it. I think I look at her kind of like me in the past, and I wish someone had grabbed ahold of me and diagnosed me correctly years earlier. I feel like it's my duty to help her.

So I know I'm preaching to the choir here about all of this, but I am interested to just hear your opinions, especially on why the stronger bc pill wouldn't be a good idea. Also, would it be bad if she just fills the prescription for the new bc and takes it until she sees Dr. S?

I'm going to have her read your comments, so please leave some for her!

Thoughts on hope and heaven

Ryan and I were talking today after adoration about what it means to have hope in the Lord. He's reading Rome Sweet Rome, by Scott Hahn, while in adoration each week and has been really moved by it, in particular, by Kimberly Hahn's conversion story. He updates me on the book on our rides home, and for the last couple of weeks it really seemed like she wasn't going to convert (of course, we knew what ended up happening, but seriously, after her husband became Catholic she was so opposed to converting that she prayed God would take her life!). Today, he finally read the section where she decided to convert and he couldn't help but think that her struggle was, in many ways, similar to my own.

She suffered terribly during the years after her husband announced he was exploring Catholicism. She was tortured by it and struggled for peace and understanding. Ryan said that she first prayed that her husband wouldn't convert; then she asked that she'd be open to it herself; and, finally, that she'd have peace with her husband's conversion and that they could coexist. None of those prayers were answered for many years and, despite only wanting to do God's will, she felt He was no where to be found.

My prayers have also changed along those line - first, that I could conceive, next, that I could be open to adoption, or to remaining childless, whatever was God's will; and lastly, that I could just have peace with the whole situation. None of those requests have been granted and I, too, have felt that God is hiding from me as I suffer.

She included a passage from Lamentations 3 that Ryan wanted me to read:

He drove into my heart the arrows of his quiver. He made my teeth grind on gravel and made me cower in ashes. My soul is bereft of peace. I have forgotten what happiness is. So I say, “Gone is my glory and my expectation from the Lord.” Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood and the gall. My soul continually thinks of it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.

I really love that. From "I have forgotten what happiness is" to "'Gone is my glory and my expectation from the Lord.'" I've been there. And if you read the whole passage from Lamentations, especially the section before this quote, it really describes the tortured pain infertility can cause us to feel.

But this passage got us talking about hope. Ryan tends to think that it means we can hope that God will answer our prayers. And, on another level, even if you understand that your prayers may be answered with a "no", it means you can hope that God will give you peace in this lifetime.

I, on the other hand, believe that while there's nothing wrong with hoping for God to give us what we ask for or, in lieu of that, peace, I think that the "hope" that is so often discussed in the Bible is actually hope for eternal life in heaven.

Every time I read a passage about hope, I am reminded over and over that this is the case. It's actually the central theme of the whole New Testament - not to proclaim the Good News that Jesus is there to ask for things you may want (like babies), but that the Kingdom is at hand, have hope that Christ has conquered death and that we will see God face to face one glorious day.

Yes, those wonderful healing parables can also be related to mean that God can and does actually heal our physical wounds, but what they are really about (in my humble interpretation) is having our sins forgiven, our soul "healed", and ultimately getting into heaven.

I don't think Ryan's wrong. I think we're both right and either scenario could play out in my life. I could be blessed with a pregnancy or adoption in this lifetime, or I may remain childless and my heart will be mended in heaven. I don't pretend to know God's will for us, so I admit that both have a chance of occuring. And while hoping that God answers our prayers is a valid hope, it may or may not happen. Yet, on the other hand, hoping in God and receiving our eternal reward will happen (not being presumptuous about my eternal destination, but just implying that it is there for the taking).

But what this has made me realize is something that I've known for a while now that I've needed to confront - the fact that hoping for eternal life should be enough for me. Receiving my "reward" for all this suffering in heaven is not something I should be rolling my eyes at (which I often do).

Truthfully, I don't like this. It makes me uncomfortable. Hence, why I've been putting it off for so many years.

But when something like this makes us uncomfortable that usually means that we have found an area where our soul needs work. I think the reason it strikes such a cord with me is because it forces me to confront the distinct possibility that I may suffer, as I am now, for the rest of my life. The same pain, which causes me to wonder how I will possibly endure another day, could be around for the long haul. That is, until heaven, when all our pain and suffering is relieved and we can bask in the glory of the beatific vision.

I know in my head that it's something I should be happy with (that's probably the understatement of the year). So why isn't it enough?

I think it's because I'm human. We live on planet earth, in a terribly immoral society and heaven is a far-off, abstract concept to us. While we may be blessed to feel God's presence at times, we still can't really imagine heaven or anything beyond this life. At least I can't. So it's enough that I am struggling to incorporate God into my earthly life; I can't even begin to think about incorporating myself into God's heavenly world.

But I'm going to have to. It needs to be enough for me. And that's not because I pessimistically believe I won't ever be a mother, but because it should be enough for all of us, no matter what our lot in life. I need to rejoice at the idea of getting my reward in heaven, at my pain and heartbreak being erased once I'm there. Maybe this is the last thing I was truly holding onto and needed to surrender.

I'm not sure how I will do this, or if it's even fully possible. But, as with most things with me, recognizing it is a problem is more than half the battle. Maybe I'll never truly accomplish it, but it will at least always be in the back of my mind as something I need to work on, which will hopefully force me to do so.

I said to Ryan today that I know I need to get to the point when, like the saints, I can look suffering in the face and say "Thank you, God, for allowing me to suffer like this. Blessed be your name!" I'm not there right now. I'm more along the lines of, "God, I'm not mad at you. I'm sad, but I trust you." I'm slowly making progress. It could be (and was, not too long ago) a lot worse.

Mercy

I feel like I am at my wit's end. Lately I have only two functions: crying and holding back tears.

I had a terrible day. The only highlight was reading all of your beautiful comments on my last post. I can't thank you enough for your kind words.

The reason today was so difficult was because I was reminded once again that we can't afford adoption. We can't even afford babies that are "difficult to place." I know I must sound like a broken record, but have I mentioned how much I hate that money is keeping me from being a mother? It's just not right.

When I really think about it, I feel like this can't possibly be happening. It really gives new meaning to that age-old phrase parents are always telling their kids - life's not fair. Boy, did I have NO clue how much I'd be learning that lesson when I grew up. In a perfect world no one would be infertile, but even in an imperfect world I'd like to think infertiles would have a somewhat easy time with adoption.

Of course, we can afford our super slow agency that we're waiting with now (I know I should be thankful for even that, but honestly I just can't muster up any gratitude at the moment). So we will wait. I should rename my blog to All You Who Wait.

God must be at work here, although it so often seems He is no where to be found. But I know if He truly is with the lowly, then He is right by my side. A priest told me this weekend at confession that I must stay calm because it is only then that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm looking, but I think it's still too far away.

My prayer today is for mercy. God, I need it.

Happy belated birthday, blog

Last Tuesday was this blog's second birthday. If you had told me on Dec. 7, 2007 that I'd still be childless two years later, I probably would have needed to be committed to a psychiatric ward. As much as I think I'd like to know the future, thank God I didn't know this bit of information.

As unlikely as it may seem to others, I may very well be childless two years from today. I know that sounds rather pessimistic, especially since I have been on the adoption waiting list for nearly a year now, but I would have sounded just as pessimistic to say the same thing two years ago and yet I would have been right.

As many infertiles know, whenever we look to the future and think, "Well at least I'll have a child by (fill in date way in the future), since it's so far away...", those dates come and go and we're still without child. Of course, there are always exceptions to that rule; not all infertiles stay childless forever. But so far I have no reason to believe otherwise for myself.

So I'm not going to go out on a limb and say surely I will have a child when my blog turns four.

There is a very strong likelihood that two years from tonight I will be 34 (about to turn 35), childless, sitting at my computer, waiting for Ryan to get home from work. Just like tonight. Dreading yet another Christmas and birthday without a baby. Wondering if it the story will be the same two years from then.

It does me no good to worry about that, though, so I'll try not to. Only God knows what's ahead and I'm thankful for that.

Brothers and sisters:
Rejoice in the Lord always.
I shall say it again: rejoice!
Your kindness should be known to all.
The Lord is near.
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil 4:4-7

Confused

Quick cycle update: Today is cycle day three. And I'm really confused. I got my period when I still had one Prometrium pill left to take. Shouldn't Prometrium extend the luteal phase, at least a little? Instead mine was the shortest it's been in a while, 11 days, despite the rest of my cycle seeming pretty text book. Does anyone know whether it is odd that my cycle ended before I finished the pills? Is that normal? My progesterone at peak +7 was 19.1, which is pretty good. I haven't gotten my peak +9 and 12 results yet.

In emotional news, I have been having a pretty tough time lately. I've been questioning what God wants for me. I hear all the time about how when you're on the right path, God opens all the necessary doors for you. Or He at least opens a door here and there. Well, when it comes to me being a mother, not one single door has opened since I've been married. They're locked, in fact. Sealed shut. Despite the fact that I've been banging on them and even trying to take them off the hinges. No matter what I do they don't budge.

I've seriously had not one indication in all these years that I'm actually supposed to be a mother. Think about it. I have had a tough time getting treatment. After singing their praises to everyone I know, I even fell through the cracks at PPVI! I get diagnosed with something new each year. I've had three surgeries. My endo came back.

I have not ever had even one positive pregnancy test. Never. Never, ever, ever conceived. At all.

Doors even continue to slam in my face when it comes to adoption. As soon as we get onto the waiting list, there are no babies at our agency. It's been 15 months since we started our homestudy. Next month it will be a year since we've been on the waiting list. As far as I know, not one birthmother has seen our profile. I even sent out a picture book last week to a home for pregnant women and the post office returned it, no forwarding address available. I wasn't surprised.

I've said probably 50 novenas. Prayed daily. Visited shrines. Begged and pleaded with God for a child. Begged and pleaded with a multitude of saints to ask God to give me a child. On any given day there are probably dozens of my family members and friends around the country petitioning God for that very same thing. There are people I have never met who pray for me daily.

And not one of those prayers has been answered with a "yes".

I'm not saying all of this to merely complain. I am citing it as evidence that perhaps all these closed doors are God's way of telling me that motherhood isn't for me. I mean, wouldn't He give me some kind of indication that I'm on the right track? But no. It's been a terrible struggle every step of the way. It's like I've been walking upstream for the past five and a half years.

And I know a lot of people believe that if they feel it in their heart, then being a mother must be their vocation. But just because I want something doesn't mean God wants it for me. I am far from perfect and wouldn't even begin to believe that my will is perfectly aligned with God's. Therefore, not everything I feel called to, no matter how deeply I desire it and feel I was born to do it, will be what God has planned for me.

Sure, motherhood is a noble and reasonable request, but so is becoming a priest or a nun, yet not everyone who thinks that vocation is for them is blessed with it. Men and women are sometimes turned away from the religious life because God may not have wanted it for them, as wonderful and needed as it is.

Yes, I want it more than anything in the world and my life will be miserable without it. But when do I start realizing that maybe God is trying to tell me something?

People are getting pregnant and adopting all around me. Fertiles, infertiles, you name it. And I remain stuck in the mud. Nothing changes for me. In fact, things only seem to get worse.

Is this a sign that I'm going down the wrong path? Is five and a half years of doors being shut in my face a sign that I'm trying to push being parents when that is clearly not what God wants? Is He closing doors in order to push me on the right path, a path which doesn't include children?

I don't know what God has in mind for me. And perhaps open and shut doors aren't the end all be all. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it's not of God, right? Maybe I should read Job.

I guess my point is that I'm struggling with how to tell if God wants this vocation for me or if I want this vocation for me. The latter is definitely true. The former doesn't seem true at this point.

In the end, it really doesn't matter if I ever figure out what God wants, because what God wants will happen, end of story. If I'm not mean to be a mother, I won't be. And if I am, I will.

Mini-breakdown & cycle update

For some reason I haven't really been motivated to write anything lately. Nothing new is going on, so that might be why. But that never stopped me before!

Mass was really hard this morning. There was a family of seven a few rows ahead of us, complete with a newborn. Then, a family of four, again with a newborn, sat directly in front of us. And to top it all off, walking up for communion I was side by side with yet another couple with their newborn. I lost it. And in that moment, as I was slowly approaching the altar, I was able to unite my suffering to Christ.

It's always seemed such an abstract concept before, but this morning it was like I suddenly knew what it meant.

One Sunday, several months ago, I was walking up to receive the Eucharist and I saw a woman, already back from receiving, kneeling while holding a prayer card with an image of the Suffering Christ. Ever since then, that's what I imagine as I walk up. So today, when I was overcome with grief, I pictured that again and really united my suffering to His, and it worked. I was overcome with emotion and started crying. For a few moments I really believed that Christ was suffering with me and knew exactly the pain I was experiencing. I felt like He was telling me that it was me and Him - that I am never suffering alone.

That comforting feeling didn't last long though. By the time we were in the car I was already pretty crabby towards Ryan and was yelling by the time we were home. After he left to play football and I was all alone, I really lost it. By the time he returned, I was under the covers crying. And I yelled at him some more.

He did a pretty good job of getting me out of my funk. He even took me to buy something, which typically works to at least momentarily lift my spirits. I never thought a shower curtain could make me so happy! And funny story about this - I was over at GIMH's house last night and fell in love with her shower curtain, of all things. I told her I was going to copy her, and boy did I mean it! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?



The new look in the bathroom (I also got a couple $1.99 hand towels) inspired me to clean most of my house (which isn't as impressive as it sounds since it's not all that large). I don't know that I've ever gone so quickly from utter despair to sweeping, vacuuming, rearranging a rug and rug pad and moving furniture!

As for my cycle, today is peak +11. The only thing different about this one so far is I've had some very, very mild cramping that doesn't last too long. As far as I can remember, it happened on peak +8, 9 and again today. Each time it lasted only a couple minutes and wasn't really all that painful (and trust me, I know painful cramping. This wasn't it). Anyone know it if could be from the Prometrium?

Speaking of Prometrium, I'm getting much more used to it now, or perhaps I'm just not having any side effects because I literally take it while getting into bed.

I got my peak + 7 results the other day. My progesterone was 19.1 and my estradiol was 175. As usual, the nurse said my doctor thought they were excellent, but I can't help but wonder why my progesterone wouldn't be even higher on Prometrium. Does anyone know if this is an okay result for taking a progesterone supplement? Nineteen is a pretty average number for me on peak +7 (I didn't go on Prometrium because it was low, rather to help out my prog/est ratio or something). I've even seen it as high as 44 in the past, and that was unmedicated!

Oh well. I'm just looking forward to seeing what Dr. S thinks about that, and everything else, in January. I seriously can't wait for my appointment.

This makes me happy...

Interesting conversation

Does Prometrium give you headaches? Man, I have had a dull headache for days now. And constant, yet slight, nausea. Neither is bad enough to incapacitate me, just annoy.

I had my peak +7 blood draw today, which I had to ask my doctor for. It makes sense to see what my levels are while taking progesterone, does it not? Anyways, I was at the lab and started chatting with the woman doing my draw. On a side note, I love all the women at this lab. They are so sweet and after going three times a month for nearly a year, we've gotten to know each other a little. I even overheard one woman say to another today, while discussing my blood draw order, that I am in there all the time. I thought that was funny.

So I got talking to the woman drawing my blood and she asked how I figure out when peak +7 is (it always specifies that on the order). I told her all about Creighton and mucus and then she told me that she suffered from secondary infertility. And, like me, she has PCOS.

Her story is wild. She had a son, then tried for another and gave up after several years. She said she came to terms with the idea that she was meant to have only one child. Then, eleven years later, out of the blue, she conceived her daughter. Then, a few months after giving birth to her, she was surprised to discover she was pregnant again, this time with twins. Unfortunately, she miscarried them at ten weeks. Following the miscarriage she went on birth control. Six months later, she went to the doctor complaining of excruciating back pain. They gave her pain pills and an MRI. Well, lo and behold, the MRI revealed she was pregnant. And she was five months along! I told her she should be on the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"!

So a woman who had come to terms with her inability to conceive, ends up conceiving three more times, including once on birth control. I thought that was just bizarre, and an example that you never know what God has in store for you.

We talked all about insulin resistance, losing weight, the G.I. Diet and Metformin. She even took notes about what food to buy (she doesn't want to conceive again, she just wants to lose weight, which insulin resistance makes very difficult).

And then before I left she looked right at me and said, "You will be pregnant. This year. Claim it. Think positively. It's going to happen. You're going to have a baby in your arms."

Someone saying that usually annoys me, but for some reason this didn't. Maybe because she, too, suffers from PCOS. Maybe because she knew the heartache of infertility at one time in her life (although coming from someone with several children usually would still annoy me). Or maybe because I know it's true - I should think positively.

I think I'm in a healthy-enough place now where I can hope for a pregnancy and not let it drive me nuts. It may happen and it may not. If it doesn't, that's okay, because I only want God's will to be done. But, in the meantime, there's nothing wrong with hoping that what you hope for also happens to be God's will.

I have much more to write, in particular an entire post that came to me in adoration this morning. But this headache is making concentrating nearly impossible. Hopefully I'll get to it tomorrow. Before I go, though, I want to leave you with something that another blogger, Tradertif, left in a comment on one of my recent posts. I've been thinking about it ever since I first read it:

"We should use God's gifts of creation however they help us in achieving the end for which we were created, and we ought to rid ourselves of whatever gets in the way of our purpose. In order to do this we must make ourselves indifferent to all creation, to the extent that we do not desire health more than sickness, riches more than poverty, honor more than dishonor, a long life more than a short life, or anything at all in and of itself. We should desire and choose only what helps us attain the end for which we were created. "

-St. Ignatius

Still on the road

I'm sitting in my brother-in-law's Manhattan apartment right now, unable to leave to do anything because little miss Sophie Belle is with us and barks like crazy when we try to leave. We've actually tried it, listening outside the door, and she barks and scratches at the door to my brother-in-law's bedroom where we left her (she also has a history of scratching paint off doors. Not good). I'm a little bummed, but it's pouring so at least we are staying dry.

That was not the case this morning when we walked Sophie a few blocks to Central Park. It started raining after we left and all three of us were soaked (we also discovered that Sophie likes to stop walking while crossing the street. Ryan had to pick her up as cars were coming, which is always fun). If it were nice out, we'd just spend the day at the park, but not in the rain. We already had to give her a bath today after our first excursion, and we try to avoid baths at all costs!

I'm typing on Ryan's iPhone right now so this will be short, but I just wanted to say that I've been taking prometrium now for three days and I'm not too sure about it. The first night I was awake long enough after taking it (two hours) to feel completely drunk and dizzy. It hit me all of a sudden and I absolutely had to go to bed. Since then, I've taken it right before sleeping and have felt better, but I still feel a little tired and out of it in general. I'm assuming these side effects are normal, since I remember reading that other bloggers have had to take it before bed. I just hope it doesn't get worse because it's pretty annoying. Maybe I can try another form of progesterone next time (as long as I can find something covered by my insurance).

This cycle looks pretty good too, which makes me happy. I had four red stickers, followed by four green stickers, and then six days of white stickers. I most likely ovulated on cycle day 12 and my peak day was 14. Not bad!

We'll head home tonight and if Queen Sophie has her way, we'll be sitting on my brother-in-law's couch til it's time to go. So much we could be doing and we're stuck inside. She's lucky we love her so much!

Truly surrendering

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I probably should have posted what I am thankful for, since it would be good practice in looking at the bright side of things, but I was too busy sleeping and eating on Thursday (in that order, since we drove overnight to get to New York) to do much of anything.

What I have been thinking a lot about, though, is surrendering. Ever since receiving my message last week, I have been trying to reflect on what it is that I am still holding back from God.

I don't want to keep anything from Him. I want nothing more than to surrender everything which would not only please God, but perhaps make this suffering a little lighter as well (in the sense that fighting my cross probably makes it heavier).

I thought about how I had definitely surrendered never being pregnant, never having biological children. There are pieces that I might not have fully surrendered, like the guilt over taking away the ability to have biological children from my healthy, normal husband (and while I know it's irrational, I'm still a little hung up on wondering if I'll have any children in Heaven, or if my adopted kids will spend eternity with their birthparents). But, overall, I have given this to God.

I have also surrendered adoption. I sincerely only want the babies that God has intended for us, perhaps almost to a fault. I'm hesitant to take any new steps in adoption for fear that it might not be part of God's plan and I'll somehow get the wrong child. But I have put the process in His hands and I know that He is in charge.

But clearly I am still upset, still heartbroken, so something must be wrong. I am holding something back and it finally occurred to me what it is.

I have refused to surrender the wait.

I have not been okay with how long this is taking and how old I am becoming. I am still hung up on that. I can't count how many times I've told God that I'm okay with not conceiving, I'm okay with Him blessing us with a child through adoption, as long as it happens NOW.

For a while I've prayed every novena asking for God to grow my family, and I always, always, add the word "soon" at the end. And every single time I said it I had a feeling it was wrong. The word stuck out in my mind as not fitting in with the rest. I just knew that what I was saying was not in accord with God.

I know in my head that I need to surrender the wait, but in my heart I can't help but be fearful of the many more years of suffering that could be ahead of me. Each day seems unbearable and to think I have thousands more ahead of me is incomprehensible. If I had my way it'd all end today! I suppose it's only natural to want your heartbreak to subside as soon as possible.

Part of me also can't help but wonder why surrendering biological children isn't enough. That's huge! But God asks more of us. I have to surrender it all.

So what does this mean? I guess I have to get to a place where I can honestly say, "God, I surrender being childless right now. I surrender the wait ahead of me, no matter how long it may be."

I prayed about it a lot at adoration the other day. I told Him how much I wanted to completely surrender and asked Him to help me with it. I thought about the wait, about how I should truly want His will to be done.

And lately at night, as I try to fall asleep, I envision myself in His presence, telling Him I am surrendering it all. I repeat the prayer that the woman gave us in adoration: "Oh my God, I love you. Help me to love you more and more. This I ask through Christ Our Lord. Amen." I interchange 'love' with anything that comes to mind - praise, trust, worship, adore, thank. If I'm in the right mood, I find that I even get excited to think about surrendering completely.

I'm hoping it will be a gradual process - the more I pray about it and learn to want it, the more I will surrender this wait to the Lord. After all, I will be waiting as long as He wants, whether I surrender it or not!

I will leave you with a prayer that, lately, I have been praying every night. It's actually a good gauge of how much I am holding back. When I am having trouble surrendering, it feels like salt being poured in a wound to say parts of it. And when I am wholeheartedly trying to surrender, it sounds quite beautiful. I hope it helps some of you as much as it has helped me:

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
For I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

-Blessed Brother Charles of Jesus
Charles de Foucauld

Results

We finally got the results of the semen analysis this morning (after I did a little investigating and discovered the lab had the wrong fax number for my doctor's office. Fax number errors are the leading cause of late test results, I swear!). Ryan is fine. More than fine, actually. The results show he is above normal in all categories. What an overachiever!

I was in adoration when I finally got the call with the results and with two minutes left to go in our hour, I got up and took it out in the hall. I'm glad I did, because is was my doctor. Actually, it wasn't my current doctor, it was Dr. B. He gave me the results and then was kind enough to answer my questions about last month's post coital exam, despite the fact that he didn't have my file in front of him.

I asked him if we needed to further investigate things on my end, like whether I have hostile mucus, and he said he didn't think so. He basically said that post-coitals can be unreliable and that like Dr. C said, one or two living sperm is a positive result. He also said that the test really needs to be done within an hour of the act, and in our case one of the times it was the next morning and the other time it was at least four hours later. He said having one or two living sperm under those circumstances is probably fine.

I also asked him about Clomid and whether that could have made my mucus temporarily hostile, and he said it wouldn't have killed the sperm. He also had a good point - there may be problems with Clomid, but we can't deny the fact that it is the leading fertility drug.

So I guess I'll bring up the hostile mucus thing with Dr. S in January, and try not to worry about it until then.

I'm also trying not to worry about this cycle. I had another negative OPK today, yet my temperature did rise this morning. And, so far, I haven't had any mucus. What does this mean?

Here are more details: Today is cycle day 14. I had negative OPK's on cycle days 12, 13, and 14. I had pain (on both sides of lower abdomen, lasted an hour) on cycle day 12.

I'm guessing that if I had taken one on cycle day 11 it would have been positive. That would have indicated that I would be ovulating in 24-36 hours, which would mean I ovulated on cd 12 (which would match up with the pain) or 13. Then my temp rose on cd 14, after ovulation. That's how it should work, right? I guess I'll never know for sure, since I didn't start taking the OPK's early enough.

Under this scenario, would the OPK be negative on cd 12, potentially the day of ovulation? Or should it still detect an LH surge?

Thanks for humoring me with this. It's not that I'm obsessed with it by any means, I just want to know if I appear to be ovulating.

As I mentioned, I was in adoration this morning and I have another post coming today about that. Don't worry, no more miracles. Well, other than the Real Presence always being a miracle! I'm really trying to work on surrendering and I think I might have realized what I am still holding back. I'll post more later.

Cycle stuff - updated

Just when I thought it might be a slightly normal cycle, now I am starting to wonder.

I shouldn't get ahead of myself before I see how it plays out, but I could've sworn I ovulated yesterday (pretty bad pain for about half an hour radiating throughout my lower abdomen, along with 10KL throughout the day), but my ovulation predictor pee-stick was negative both yesterday and today.

If I'm going to include all non-Creighton forms of charting then I should also point my temperature is still low.

The last unmedicated cycle I had, which was over the summer, looked more normal than my medicated ones, and this cycle was shaping up the same way. I even had four dry day with four green stickers which is very unusual for me. I usually go straight from red stickers to white.

Okay, I can admit I might be overreacting - I just looked at my chart and today is only cycle day 13. I guess I had gotten used to the idea that I was getting the trigger shot (possibly late according to my doctor) on cycle day 13 the past couple cycles. How quickly I forget, though - just a few short months ago cycle day 18 was the norm for my peak day.

So hopefully I'll have a positive OPK tomorrow and ovulate around cycle day 14 or 15. That would be pretty good.

But what about the bad pain yesterday? Is that normal if you are not ovulating at that very moment? I just worry that the timing is off and this might be further evidence of that.

I'm also waiting on pins and needles to hear what Ryan's SA results are. They were supposed to be in yesterday and weren't. I'm going to ask for a plan of action in either case - if they're normal, then I want to be tested (since my mucus appeared to kill the sperm last month), and if they're low, then obviously we need to look into that further or put him on something.

I'll update this post with any results I (hopefully) get today.

No matter what happens, I can honestly say that I am okay with whatever way God decides to grow our family. I really am. I might post about the minutia of my cycle, but honestly it's just a distraction from the adoption wait. And yet the adoption stuff started out as a distraction from trying to conceive. They are now equal in my mind (and, right now at least, equally allusive) and for that I am truly thankful.

Update: So no SA results yet, but my doctor's office did call to say they are going to call in a prescription for Prometrium (this is because the Endometrin wasn't covered by my insurance last cycle). But here's my question: there is usually a two day difference between when I get a positive OPK and when I chart my peak day according to Creighton (based on mucus). So which day should I base my peak day on for starting the progesterone? I'm supposed to start it on peak +2. The nurse told me to go by the positive OPK since, in my case, it comes first. Any thoughts?

Baby pics!

I loved all of your comments on my last post. Thank you! And it's clear that I was supposed to deliver that message to all of you. I didn't give the title of the post a lot of thought at the time, but now, looking back, it couldn't be more true - it really is our message. I'm just so glad many of you felt a connection to it.

Speaking of that message, I'm still remembering things that the woman told us that Jesus wanted us to know, and when I do, I add them to the original post.

I still have a lot to say about what happened and my reflections on it all, but, for today, I am instead focusing on something a little lighter - Baby Ethan pictures! Now that I'm officially over the flu I finally got to meet him on Friday night when his mommy, GIMH, brought him to visit us. I fell in love with him immediately! What a cutie! I even got to do a little photo shoot with him which was just so much fun!










I hope little Ethan brightened your Sunday. We couldn't stop laughing at that last one!

Our message

It shouldn't come as a surprise to any of you that I've been pretty down lately. It's been a difficult few weeks for me, let alone a difficult year. I really think this has been the roughest year of my life to date, and the same goes for Ryan.

Just the other day, my husband, who was once the most optimistic person I'd ever met, told me he now expects bad things to happen. That's sad. I mean, that's how I've felt for years, but I don't want to see someone join the despair club. And he has. He's sad. A shell of his former hopeful self.

As for me, I've had a lot of shocking things come out of my mouth lately. My attitude had changed. I've said for years now that I'm exhausted by infertility, but only recently had the fatigue became truly apparent. I had crossed a line. I was too tired to try anymore. Too tired to pray, to beg God for the millionth time to grow my family.

And, after a couple weeks of not praying, I realized the guilt was gone. I didn't feel a twinge of regret when I passed my prayer room. The hour of three o'clock came and went without me offering any prayers for the souls in Purgatory and I didn't feel bad. A daily Rosary was no longer even on my radar.

When I realized I didn't feel a pull towards prayer anymore, I knew something was changing. It was as if the ropes were breaking and apathy was setting in. And I didn't care.

I was convinced of something - that God didn't love me. Not one tiny bit. Yes, He may love all of you, but not me. That was clear. I had, just like with everything else in my life, been passed over.

Let's see, what else did I say? I believe I actually said that God was crapping on me. That He had abandoned me. That it felt like He was beating me to a pulp. I even said that perhaps the fact that I come from a good family with loving parents made it difficult for me to relate to God, a parental figure who seeks to hurt you. I said I had lost the will to live a normal life, and beyond waking and sleeping each day, I was giving up on everything else.

I also swore (something I don't ever do) with reckless abandon and it felt good.

Obviously, I was hurting. I had clung to God for so many years and felt as if it was getting me nowhere. I resented the stories others told about surrendering and finding peace. I had turned all of this over to God a year ago and since that time wanted nothing other than for His will to be done. Still, I struggled with heartbreak on a daily basis. It was becoming difficult to function.

So, the other night, I told Ryan that my faith was slipping away. He knew it. He could see it happening and said it was his worst nightmare coming true. That would mean the end for me. My faith was all I had.

I woke the next morning for our weekly hour of adoration and started to get ready but felt as if I couldn't even muster up the energy to brush my hair. I had nothing in me. I sat on the couch, half-ready, and announced I wouldn't be going. But, surprisingly, for the first time in weeks I actually felt bad about it. I felt the urge to get ready and go, despite the fact that I didn't want to and physically didn't think I had the energy.

I went. The whole ride there I complained. God didn't love me. Not one tiny bit. He had abandoned me; I was convinced of it. I believed in Him still, and I even loved Him, but I resented Him. My new image of Him, which I believed was a result of my personal experience these last five years, was not what Christianity portrays. As usual, I had been left out of all of that.

We arrived at the chapel and Ryan went in ahead of me. After a few minutes, I walked in, knelt, said the fastest prayer ever with no feeling and then sat in a seat up front. Ryan was directly to my right, on the other side of the chapel. There were no chairs between us, just one seat on the left and one on the right with space in between in front of the Eucharist.

I sat and pouted. I stared at the clock. Time was moving so slowly. I thought about my life, my mind wandered, but I didn't pray.

About thirty-five minutes into our hour, an older woman came in and knelt in the back. I glanced at her quickly and saw long, black, braided hair. She made no sound and I had all but forgotten about her when, about five minutes later, she walked into the space between us and quietly asked, in an Indian accent, if we minded if she knelt there. No, I replied. She then said she could see Jesus in the Eucharist. "He's there," she whispered, pointing.

I felt a sense of excitement and watched her intently. I've been going to adoration for years now and had never been in the room with someone who claimed they could see Jesus. I had heard all about it, that's for sure. When I made my documentary, Watch With Me, about Eucharist Adoration, I heard many stories of this. I was always jealous of those who saw Him, and wanted so badly to experience it myself.

It wasn't long before I felt jealous of this woman. Sure, God. Not only do you not offer any comfort to me, but you're going to make me watch as someone else gets to experience you firsthand?

I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I watched as she leaned to one side, almost as if she were going to topple over. I inched forward in my seat, trying to see her eyes and whether they were open. When I wasn't watching her, I was staring at the Eucharist, trying with all my might to see Jesus' face, or whatever it was that she was seeing.

I even prayed that Christ would deliver a message to me through this woman, as silly as it sounded to me at the time. I pictured it happening, her turning to me, telling me something Jesus wanted me to know. For a second the thought thrilled me, but I pushed it out of my mind.

Then, after a few minutes, it happened. She turned to me, asked if I could see Him, to which I replied no. She motioned to me, telling me to come and kneel next to her and then turned to Ryan and said the same thing to him. We did.

She said Jesus wanted her to give a message to us: That He loves us and has not abandoned us.

I was in shock.

What followed over the next ten to fifteen minutes was amazing. I wish I could remember it verbatim, but I cannot. We both wrote down as much as we could remember when we got home, and I will try to convey as much as possible here:

*She told us to pray "Oh my God, I love you. Help me to love you more and more. I ask this in Christ’s name, Amen." She said to pray it over and over in front of the Eucharist.

*She said while she was praying, Jesus asked her to give a message to us.

*She talked mostly about surrendering. When I told her I felt as if I had, and still did not have peace, she said I must be holding something back from Him.

*She told me that Jesus loves me and wants me to know He loves me. She said His love for me is the size of an ocean, even though one drop would be enough to fulfill me. She said "He is smiling when I tell you He loves you."

*She also talked a lot about finding peace, love and happiness. She said if we surrender, then all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.

*She told us to make a good confession.

*She said Jesus looked to her like the Divine Mercy image. He was as beautiful as His rays of light. He was smiling.

*She said she usually she sees Christ followed by the Communion of Saints, but this time it was just Him. She said this was because He wanted us to know how much He loves us.

*He also appeared at one point as a beating heart, which she said was to show how much he loves Ryan and me.

*She would tell us when the image changed, and at one point she said, "Look - he is appearing as a young man now!"

*She went through the Our Father line by line, stressing certain parts of the prayer, especially the part about forgiveness.

*I told her that I couldn't have children. She then talked about adoption and how Jesus says all the children in the world are there for us to help.

*She said Jesus wants us to be happy with all that He has given us. Don't focus on what He hasn't.

*She told Ryan, “Jesus is reaching out to me because He knows you need him.”

She was such a calming presence, I could have stayed there all day. At the end of our hour, an older couple entered the chapel, and the woman whispered to us that she could no longer talk out loud and said we could just pray the prayer she had been praying. She did whisper a few things to us after that, but after about five minutes, we both thanked her and left.

I had been crying the entire time, but I was unsure of what Ryan's reaction would be, since I couldn't really tell while it was all happening. As soon as we got to the car, he said it was one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to him. I couldn't agree more.

We never did see His face in the Eucharist, no matter how hard we tried, and that's okay. That's why He brought someone there who could.

We don't know who this woman was. We've never seen her before. We don't think she was an angel or anything like that. She was just a real person, wearing a Purdue sweatshirt.

She also wasn't psychic and the message, while clearly intended for us, wasn't always interpreted perfectly (at the beginning Ryan mentioned to her that we were having problems, and she took that to mean marital and spoke for a minute or so about not getting divorced. But I do believe that perhaps Jesus did intent to remind us about the importance of our marriage in the midst of all of this). We tend to believe that she is a faithful woman who perhaps God called to that chapel on that morning to deliver a message to us, two people who desperately needed to hear it.

The woman didn't say that God told her we'd be parents soon. His message focused on something much more important - how much He loves us. I believe God knew that I had hit rock bottom - despite the fact that I have told him that many times before - and that, this time, I was in serious trouble. And he threw me a life line.

I am blown away. I am still in shock and so, so grateful for this experience. And I am humbled. I said some extremely regrettable things, and even spoke terribly of God just minutes before He decided to make Himself known to me in a real way. He is forgiving before we even ask for it.

I am embarrassed that I doubted Him so seriously, but it's a learning process. I am not Mother Theresa. She could go for decades with her faith life as dry as a desert, but I couldn't last a couple months. He knew that.

There is so much for Ryan and me to reflect on. Right now, though, I have to remember the simplicity of Christ's message for us - that He loves us more than we can imagine. He has not abandoned us and never will. That is His message for us all.

Oh my God, I love you. Help me to love you more and more. This I ask in Christ's name, Amen.

Feeling better

So I'm feeling a little better, physically and mentally. I still have a bad cough and it's still keeping me up at night, but the fever is gone, which is wonderful. What a relief. Now I just need to get my voice back, although it's a lot better than it was.

And mentally speaking, I'm feeling a little better as well. I'm still pretty sad, but at least I am not terribly angry and distraught. I felt the dark cloud lift, for the most part, when I started a new cycle on Thursday. I usually have a hard time the last couple days of a cycle, but this time the dark period was definitely extended. I wonder if something is up with my hormones.

I'm also wondering about something else strange that has been happening in recent months. Since July, I have been having extremely light periods. It's been lasting only two days (in which I chart, at the most, M), with maybe two days of VL or spotting tacked on at the end. That's very weird for me.

I've googled it and found some sites that say it doesn't mean anything, while others say it could be poor lining, meaning poor estrogen, or even your thyroid. I never thought to ask my doctor about it until now.

Speaking of that, I am really looking forward to my appointment with Dr. S next year. It's kind of funny to think that the light at the end of the tunnel for me right now is another doctor's appointment. I never would've guessed that starting over with a new doctor would be more hopeful than adoption! Oh well, we never quite know what God has in store for us. At least I have something to look forward to.

I'm also looking forward to learning more about my potentially hostile mucus this cycle, or at least being able to rule that out. Ryan's SA is tomorrow morning. Anyone know how long it usually takes to get those results? If it's normal, I guess we'll begin looking into my end of it, although I really have no idea what we'll do. My doctor seems to think there are tests (antibody tests, she might have said) that we can do. I would love to be able to do them all as soon as possible. I hope we can get the ball rolling on those as soon as Ryan's SA results come back.

Well I'm off to the store - my first trip outside the house in a week! How exciting!

More bad adoption news

So I talked with my case worker today, actually hopeful that things were picking up (of course, not that it would mean that we'd get a baby any time soon, but at this point I'm just hoping and praying that the couples ahead of us on the list start getting matched). She did not have good news for me. What else is new?

They're not working with any new birthmothers and things are still slow. The good news is they just started doing some PR (really? just started?) but according to my case worker, it will take about six months to see the effects of it. Wonderful. In six months a pregnant woman might see an ad and might call our agency and pick one of the six couples waiting in front of us. That means it will only be about three years before we get a baby.

I also asked about foster-to-adopt and, well, it doesn't really exist. The infant list we are waiting on is the same as foster-to-adopt. In the rare case that there would be such a baby, someone on our list would get picked for it. But that doesn't usually happen.

I even asked about fostering older children (over seven) and was told the wait would probably be just as long as we're already experiencing due to bureaucracy. And the eight-week long class we'd have to take, which doesn't start until January, is on week nights, which Ryan couldn't do.

And no one I've talked to about this, including our case worker, thinks we should seriously consider adopting a teenager.

I even called an adoption attorney today and learned that for more than $300, plus an hourly rate for anything after that, she can set us up with adoption situations around the country, except she said it could take a while if funds were an issue. Awesome. If we could afford an expensive agency, we'd just go straight to them, not pay an attorney hundreds of dollars to call them for us.

This sucks. I am defeated. I am praying for a job. For money to fall out of the sky. For a baby to fall out of the sky. I have been praying for so long for all of this I am starting to think that prayers for me are just wasted time. It is crazy the number of people who pray for us, on a daily basis, and still nothing. Our life just gets harder and harder. All these poor people are wasting their precious time in prayer for us.

God's will is clearly for us to struggle right now, on many, many levels. He is not being subtle, that's for sure. So I guess that is the answer to all those prayers. This is exactly where He wants us and I have to accept it.

I would have loved to discuss this with my priest today in my first spiritual direction appointment (or at least my appointment where he could decide what he wanted to do with me), but I had to cancel due to being sick. I've been waiting three weeks for the appointment and now I'll have to wait another three to see him. And I really needed the meeting today after the week I've had.

If anyone is still reading this you must be so tired of this by now. I apologize. I know this is all probably getting very, very old. I couldn't agree more.

I just need a life line. I really, really, really need some good news right now.

Still sick

It's my fourth day of the flu and cycle day one. I went to the doctor this morning and tested positive for influenza type A. Probably swine flu, according to the doctor. Thankfully, they don't think I have pneumonia.

This has been a terrible week. I'm just glad my fever seems to have broken and the power is back on (we've had a lot of rain). My misery would have reached a new level today if I had to sit alone in the darkness and cold.

I talked to Dr. L today on the phone since the flu is keeping me from coming in on cycle day one. She suggested taking this cycle off. Whatever. I agreed to it mainly because I have no fight left in me. What does it really matter anyway?