PROMPT #430
This week, let us wrap our heads around the word
ELUSIVE
Is that you? Is it a person, image, concept, value, dream or something else? Let the wistfulness peep out unapologetically.
The Elusive Self
“Is that me?” she asks her reflection in the mirror.
An elusive person, difficult to understand, even for her.
She thinks it’s time for serious Retrospective Introspection.
Though not skilled at hiding or withholding my true personality, since childhood, I avoided emotional intimacy, fearing I would get cheated like …
Perhaps it was written right on my face: “Come, make a fool of me; criticise me, or mock me.”
With a lack of self-confidence and past negative experiences (like being manipulated even by close friends, or so I believed), as soon as I gained some understanding, I sought a way to save myself—a path that was, perhaps, the wrong one.
But how could anyone possibly understand me, or advise me, when I wouldn’t even let anyone get close?
I maintained a serious countenance because I was terrified of making an embarrassing mistake. Whenever others tried to engage in playful activities, I remained poker-faced.
I tried to protect myself from judgment or exploitation by avoiding social contact, trying to avoid drawing attention, and displaying a stiff, guarded demeanour.
I always avoided speaking in public or raising my hand in group settings. I often stayed clear of parties or environments where unpredictable, lighthearted interactions were likely to occur. If forced, I would leave early or hide in other rooms.
I was always guarded and didn’t reveal much about myself, making it difficult for others to get to know me, and this resulted in having very few like-minded friends.
Thankfully, my actions and true motives are not hard to figure out or comprehend, because simplicity and honesty have never evaded me.
It’s not that I didn’t try to come out of this mindset, because living like this was painful; the process was slow, tedious, and required very strong willpower.
And this is not a one-day task. You have to keep making continuous efforts to achieve success.
( I struggled to find words, so I wrote these two pieces earlier. Now, I don’t want to delete them, so I will publish them.)
A life of excessive security, care, and comfort
renders you dependent on ease—
compelling you to rely on others forever.
A finely carved, smooth, round base—
cannot stand freely without support.
You need a base with rough edges—
a sturdy foundation—otherwise,
You will fall just as
Humpty Dumpty fell.
And success will be elusive, friends.
Some were elusive for me
those whom I desired.
I was elusive for some.
who desired me
Time slipped away in the race to win one another.
Life was passing by in the pursuit of shadows.
Then, when I finally abandoned all hope of attaining anything,
I received that which was beyond all expectation.
Perhaps this is destiny.
For, in the end, everyone receives exactly what was written for them.
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