Y'all Dudes Are Culturally Appropriated and Stuff

I am a native New Englander, born in south Boston, and grew up split between New Hampshire and the southern suburbs of Boston.

I don't have a Boston or New England accent... I pronounce the letter R just fine... Though I do use the words "sure" and "ayup" for "yes" reflexively... something of a New England stereotype.

I am not a southerner, or Texan... though I have lived nearly half my life in the southeast, Texas, and the southwest... and I use "y'all" many times a day. Because it is a very useful word.

I am not a Californian... though I did live in NorCal for several years... but I use "dude" many times a day... because it is a very useful word.

I have culturally appropriated these good and useful words from the south and California, because they were good and useful words, and I am absolutely not sorry about that.

The Worlds Most Practical Drunkards

I believe it fair to say, the British are the worlds most practical drunkards.

How so? 

Allow me to provide just one of many possible examples, which would tend to bear my thesis out:

The British were, in their time, the most thoroughgoing and successful imperialists the world had seen since Xerxes and Alexander (and by some measures, one might even say the most succesful of all time, without exception); controlling colonies, territories, and other posessions, in every corner of this good earth.

As it happens, the greatest fraction of these many jewels of empire, were located in tropical climes.

Being native to a few cool, damp, and windy isles, adrift between the north and Irish seas; the British peoples, were not notably tolerant of the extremely hot and humid conditions prevailing in these tropical regions. Nor did they posess notable natural resistance, to the many, varied... and it must be said, most unpleasant... diseases and maladies endemic to them

This however, did not appreciably deter the British from sending many of their best and brightest young men (or at least those rich enough to buy an officers comission, or secure a place in colonial service, or the EITC)... along with a few of those who managed to survive previous such assignments and adventures, and reach middle age; to govern them (which is to say, govern both the tropical colonies, and the young men in question... I will leave the determination of which was the greater challenge, to the reader).

This of course had the entirely predictable result of mortality rates for those posted to the tropics, often exceeding one in four. In fact, there were years in which some postings, suffered as many as seven in ten men, lost to these terrible ailments.

Still... Being British, and having a surplus of second, third, and fourth sons in the officer classes in those years...

...(and there always being an excess of the lower classes (men, women, and children) unable to find gainful employment in the home islands; there was no lack of those in Britain willing to serve as common soldiers, or take contracts of indentured service for 5 or 10 years, in order to seek better fortune in the colonies.

And of course, there was never a shortage of those convicted of minor criminal offences, such as stealing less than 10 shillings {that being a half pound, or about two weeks wages for a common laborer... about $1,000 today. Stealing more than 10 shillings meant a long prison term. Stealing more than 5 pounds, meant hanging}, failing to pay ones debts, incorrigible drunkenness, vagrancy, prostitution, or being Irish; who could be involuntarily transported to the colonies for a term of labor)...

...the frightful casualty rates did not give pause to the colonial administrators (or more importantly, the governors of the East India Trading Company). It only served to double, and redouble their efforts to find ways to prevent, and treat these illnesses.

After only 200 or so years of mass casualties... nothing of great importance... by the early 1800s, it was accepted that daily prophylactic treatment with tincture of quinchona bark... quinine...  would help prevent and treat these diseases, particularly the most common of them (and the one that killed the most people... and still does today), malaria.

Further, it was found to be more effective when combined with tincture of red willow bark...acetylsalicylic acid, aka aspirin... which helped reduce fevers, headaches, and other complaints and maladies of the joints and muscles.

Both tinctures are quite bitter however, and prone to upsetting ones stomach, particularly in the strengths necessary to be effective in resisting and treating tropical diseases.

Mixing these tinctures with a fair bit of sugar... thankfully common in the tropical colonies... helped make them more palatable, though still not pleasant tasting.

Diluting a spoonful of the resulting mixture, into a few ounces of water and bicarbonate of soda, or otherwise carbonated "soda water", tends to buffer the mixture; eliminating any tendency to upset ones stomach, and producing a healthful tonic, aiding in one's digestion.

Speaking of water... Of course, the heat and humidity being what they are in the tropics, one must always guard against dehydration, and heat stroke. To avoid this, it is advisable to sit in shady and cool areas, and drink plenty of water, preferably mixed with some of the vitamins and minerals that we lose through exertion and sweating.

It is even more important to stay hydrated when one is ill, and the tropical diseases under discussion, tend to cause extreme fluid and mineral loss, due to their unpleasant symptoms and side effects.

Unfortunately, lacking natural resistance to local waterborne pathogens, water in those regions was often not safe for the British to drink untreated; and in fact, drinking such water untreated proved to be one of the infection vectors for the unpleasant tropical diseases in question.

Thankfully, it was found that mixing local water with 80 proof alcohol (preferably alcoholic infusions of medicinal herbs and spices, such as juniper and various other various berries, citrus, rosemary, anise, cinnamon, nutmeg, and coriander), to a concentration of at least 12% alcohol by volume, generally proved sufficient to sanitize the water, rendering it safe to drink.

Such alcoholic infusions also proved to mix well in similar proportion with the previously mentioned healthful carbonated tonic, contrasting it's bitterness, with a sweet, citrusy, and herbaceous character, which proved much more pleasant to drink; though still not quite right yet...

At that time, British people were not in the habit of regularly eating much in the way of fresh fruit or vegetables, as their native islands had a relatively short growing season, and comparatively few hardy native species suited to it, which could last rhrough the winter and spring months (either fresh or preserved). And of course, they also had long sea journeys to reach the tropics; during which such foodstuffs were unavailable.

This lack of fresh fruits and vegetables, in turn often led to several other deficiencies and diseases, most notable scurvy.

However, around the same time our healthful tonic came into common use, it was also confirmed that the juice of limes (and other citrus fruits of course, but limes were the easiest to grow or purchase, and stored the longest without spoiling ) provided one with the nutritive elements necessary to prevent and treat these deficiences and diseases, including scurvy.

As a further benefit, it was found that the juice of citrus fruits, when mixed with water and a little sugar, make a lovely tasting, and quite refreshing beverage; which is more effective than water alone at preventing and treating dehydration, heat stroke, and the... other unpleasant gastrointestinal effects shall we say... of tropical diseases.

Thus, a concoction of gin, tonic, and lime, mixed in proper proportion, and drunk at least twice daily, preferably in a cool shady spot with a nice breeze; serves to refresh ones thirst, aid in one's digestion, prevent and treat malaria and other tropical diseases, as well as prevent and treat heat stroke, dehydration, scurvy, headache, fever, aches and pains of the muscles and joints, and other such ailments as one might suffer from.

Personally, I have also noted it tends to improve ones attitude and outlook, and is quite salutary to ones mental and emotional health, and general state of mind.

Given this, I'm sure you will agree, it can be fairly said that the British are, by far, the worlds most practical drunkards.

The Great Pyramid of Cheese

A few months back, I mentioned that I had found a "food", which had actually fallen completely off the Poretto Cheese Hierarchy:

""NO-MELT, imitation pasteurized process cheese product"
This is not cheese.
This is not "pasteurized processes cheese food"
This is not even fake "Cheez!"
This isn't even "Kraft Macaroni and Cheez" fake cheez...
This is IMITATION fake cheez...
It has fallen entirely off the Poretto Cheese Hierarchy.
But worse... they have taken the ONLY GOOD THING about fake cheese... that it melts really well for cheeseburgers and grilled cheese sandwiches...
AND MADE IT NO-MELT!
What exactly is the point of this product? Because it is clearly not intended for human consumption."

Now unfortunately, Fran Poretto had taken down his original blog, so I wasn't able to post the hierarchy in response to reader inquiries. However, I wrote Fran personally, and he mentioned that he reposted it on a new site.

I have reproduced it here:


The Great Pyramid of Cheese - Francis Poretto


"On one evening not too long ago, a friend of mine, who has an extensive extended family, was dining with most of them. Included were several pre-teens. The bill of fare was, as is common in their not-particularly-pecunious household, macaroni and cheese.


One of the pre-teens commented on how different the entree tasted to him from "real" macaroni and cheese -- by which he meant, as pre-teens often do, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. He contrasted my friend's wife's dish unfavorably with the commercial preparation.


An uncle to the clan cleared his throat. "Kevin," he intoned, "you know I sell cheese, don't you?" The youngster nodded. "Well, it's about time you learned about the Great Pyramid of Cheese." And he told them all about it.


It seems that there are places where they make Cheese. The real stuff, straight from the milk, brimming with the odorific and oleaginous virtues that your narrator has found he cannot renounce. And it is good.


Most of it, anyway.


Some wheels of cheese just don't turn out right. But they're not thrown away, oh, no. That would be wasteful. They're sold to factors from other shops, which take them in, and melt them down, and add oil, and chemicals, and further processing, and thereby produce... Cheese Food.


Cheese Food is regulated by law to contain no more than 49% non-milk additives, and must not contain any but a specified list of preservatives and artificial flavor enhancers.


There are people who eat Cheese Food by choice. There are others who are trying to help them.


But some batches of Cheese Food don't come out right either, and they're not thrown away, either. They're sold to factors from other shops, which take them in, and melt them down, and add oil, and chemicals, and further processing, and thereby produce... Process Pasteurized Cheese Food.


PPCF is the step down from Cheese Food, and may contain up to 70% non-milk additives, plus a much wider range of flavor and color enhancers, and preservatives that guarantee that it will not spoil over the three months between your toddler's two demands for a grilled cheese sandwich right now, mom!


And not all of this is saleable, either, but (you guessed it) it's not thrown away just for that. The rejected barrels are sold to factors from other shops, which take them in, and melt them down, and add oil, and chemicals, and further processing, and thereby produce... Process Pasteurized Cheese Food Substance.


PPCFS may contain up to 82% non-milk additives. The flavor and color are almost entirely chemically produced, and the preservatives in it are reputed to be stronger than formaldehyde. Velveeta was once PPCFS, but has moved up the pyramid to Level 3 (PPCF). Cheez Whiz is PPCFS. A number of people have drawn images of the Blessed Virgin on their basement walls with PPCFS from spray cans, and have made quite a lot of money.


But... that's right. Some of it doesn't meet the standards for retail-saleable PPCFS. The rejected barrels are sold to factors from other shops, which take them in, and melt them down, and add oil, and chemicals, and further processing, and thereby produce...


Well, it doesn't really have a name, and it doesn't need one, either, because all of it is consumed by a single company.


"And Kevin," the uncle rumbled, "would you like to guess what that company is?"

Little Kevin swallowed and shook his head.


"It's the Kraft Company, Kevin."


And I, who have set this tale down for you, have checked it in all particulars, and every word of it is true. And I'm told that little Kevin no longer asks for Kraft Macaroni And Cheese, either."

What exactly do I do?

In theory, I work in technology for a living.

In particular, I work in enterprise, infrastructure, and information security architecture; more specifically as a consultant and educator in those domains.

Really, what I do, is I talk to people about their problems.

Then I think about them for a while, and I write about them for a while.

Then I try to teach people how to solve those problems, and I write about that...

Then I mediate between groups of people who both need each other and hate each other; with competing agendas and incentives and fears and desires, and problems and styles and personalities etc... etc... etc...

...and most of all, I try to find nice ways of saying NO without actually saying no...

...and after saying NO, show them how to actually DO, what they ACTUALLY need to do (as opposed to what they wanted to do, or thought they needed to do), in the least stupid and least harmful way possible.

... and if I'm REALLY REALLY good at it, and REALLY lucky... I manage to do all that, while making them think it was always all their idea the whole time.

I see no meaningful functional difference between this, and a therapist.

No Mayo... Not Acceptable...

I was commenting on three different threads today about french fries/steak fries/chips etc...

I am an Irish American (my family are immigrants and I lived there for years). From both sides, I have been eating fried potatoes in stick like form from about birth... My son started taking them off our plates at 4 months old and now get mighty pissy if we don't share with him.

As such, I am a true lover of the fried potato...

Having lived and eaten all over the world, I generally personally prefer mine in the american "steak fry" form, which is much like the Irish/English "chip", except usually served slightly crisper and hotter.

As it happens, a friend of mine, Jonathan Katz, is about to move his family to Belgium for an interesting career opportunity.

To which I posted:

"Belgium... mayonnaise on french fries... <suppressed shudder> good luck man... "

I realize I may have created the impression there, that I think Belgians make bad french fries...

Actually, in my experience, they make the best pommes frites (potato fries) in the world.

In fact, they "invented" "french fries" as we know them, Americans having misapplied the name "french" to them some time in the late 19th century, and then reinforcing it after world war one... probably because it was alliterative, and we can't resist alliteration in names.

Belgian pommes frites, or usually just "frites", are almost the perfect synthesis of all that is good about American french fries and steak fries, and English/Irish chips.

They're usually cut a bit bigger than french fries, a bit smaller and not as planklike as chips or steak fries (sometimes called "natural cut" "hand cut" or "thick cut" in the u.s.), and served at a crispness in between the softer "chip", and the crisper American style "fry". Just about the same crispness that I would consider the perfect "steak fry".

Importantly, they achieve this texture by being twice cooked (as any who make their own fries should do). First they are either blanched in salted/acidulated water, or parcooked in low temperature oil (sometimes both). Then they are allowed to cool, and just before service they are flash fried to crisp them up.

This results in a perfect creamy potato interior, without hollowing out or being gummy, and a perfect crispy exterior that STAYS crisp longer.

Done well, they're absolutely wonderful, and Belgium has many many places that do them well.

I would wager that Belgians eat frites, as much as Americans eat fries. They are as much the national side dish there, as they are here, or maybe even more. Steak frite, moule frite, just about anything frite...

Also, Belgian have an entirely civilized and appropriate custom of frites as street food, snack food, even just for lunch.

Take note Americans... this is a GOOD IDEA.

Frankly, the only way I like mussels is moules et frites avec lardon, and the Belgians do THAT better than anyone else in the world (particularly with a nice bier).

I have only one issue with Belgians and frites...

... it's that they just ruin these perfect crispy pieces of potato goodness... by putting mayonnaise on them.

Of course, being the frites capital of the world, they also put other things on them... Lots of other things in fact... But by default, and by far most popular, is mayonnaise.

No... Just no... (though Belgian mayo is FAR better than U.S. mayo for the most part).

That is just not acceptable.

Acceptable toppings for fries include:

1. Nothing - Properly fried are good enough on their own
2. Salt - but nothing is so good it can't be made better with a bit of salt
3. Vinegar
4. Ketchup - Which is a combination of salt, vinegar, sugar, and tomato (sparingly please... too much and a fry is just a ketchup delivery vehicle, with all of it's own flavor overwhlemed)
5. Cheese
6. Chili
7. Eggs (scrambled, fried, or poached)
8. Gravy (turkey, beef, or sausage)
9. Hot sauce including hot mustard
10. Other meats in savory sauces, possibly including cheese.

Please take note, mayonnaise is not among these options.

Corollary to that for midwestern/northwestern Americans... Fry sauce is mostly mayonnaise, and is therefore right out.

Entirely off the hierarchy

"NO-MELT, imitation pasteurized process cheese product"

This is not cheese.

This is not "pasteurized processes cheese food"

This is not even fake "Cheez!"

This isn't even "Kraft Macaroni and Cheez" fake cheez...

This is IMITATION fake cheez...

It has fallen entirely off the Poretto Cheese Hierarchy.

But worse... they have taken the ONLY GOOD THING about fake cheese... that it melts really well for cheeseburgers and grilled cheese sandwiches...

AND MADE IT NO-MELT!

What exactly is the point of this product? Because it is clearly not intended for human consumption.

Somebody has been reading too much buzzfeed

Try signing up in Icelandic?

Removed the embed due to un-disablable autoplay, but the link is worth watching: SNL Parody of Kathleen Sebelius discussing Obamacare website

I have had this conversation

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #422

Doctor: 

Your adrenals are under-functioning, your thyroid is flat-lining, your pituitary is DOA, your testosterone levels are below those of a twelve year-old girl, and your body is sadly lacking in almost all the critical enzymes that make life possible. 

Me: 

Give it to me straight, Doc. Don't pussyfoot.

My doc said pretty much the same thing to me.


So, to Chuck Lorre I say... enjoy the music:

Let's celebrate the NordoCeltic peoples ruling the world

We do yaknow... Or at least we did...

As it happens, this is the 947th anniversary of the battle of Hastings, wherein the Normans under William the Conqueror, earned him his name, by rather embarrassingly whipping the force of the Anglo-Saxons under Harold Godwinson (Harold II), the last Anglo-Saxon king of England.

 Now, the historically ignorant amongst us have often made fun of poor Harold for having been conquered by "the French".

... but in reality, the "Norman french" weren't "French" as we think of it.

...well... and to be honest, what we think of as the French were actually Germans and mostly Spaniards originally (the Franks from which France gets it's name, and the peoples historically from the spanish and french borderlands).

 The other people in France were mostly celts, or nords.

 The Norman French were in fact mostly a mixture of the Gauls (celts), and the Norse.

 That's right... William the Conqueror was a Viking crossed with an Irishman. ... which of course is why his grandchildren then invaded Ireland and became "more Irish than the Irish".

And as history has shown, there is no shame in being conquered by the greatest western conquerors and assimilators of culture, the Celts.

 Hell... we loved taking over England so much, that we did it again 539 years later, in the person of James Stewart (himself a further cross between Vikings and Celts).

 So, let's hear it for the NordoCeltic peoples!

I may start sending this to all my friends and clients who use... or are forced to use... McAffee

I'm not sure who's worse...

I'm really not sure who's worse....

Retards... rhetorically speaking...

OR...

People who find the rhetorical use of the word "retard" offensive.

...

In fact, the easily offended in general.

You're all fuckwits, and you're fucking ruining fucking everything.

The best line in the entire series "Elementary" so far

"Hmm... An Arsenal supporter... 

...As if I hadn't reason enough to despise you" 

-- Sherlock Holmes

I can't deny the essential rightness of her thinking here...

So... Mel was upset about something, and by her own statements feeling excessively hormonal. We talked about it for a while then she suddenly got up and said "I need chocolate".

She went to the kitchen, I heard various rattling and pounding things, and a few minutes later she walks by with a mixing bowl and a pan.

Chris: Brownies?
Mel: Brownies
Chris: Pecan brownies?
Mel: Pecan brownies
Chris: That would explain the pounding I heard then?
Mel: Yup
Chris: Not that I object, but, why brownies? It's 2pm on a Tuesday...
Mel: I are emotionally distressed, ergo, brownies
Chris: Well... I certainly can't disagree with that

Oh and for all you crispy brownie edge fans (you weird "center brownie" people who don't love the crispity chocolate edges just don't make any kind of sense to me) I HIGHLY recommend picking up an "all edges" brownie pan like this one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000MMK448/

With a bit of a mind flip, you're there in a time slip...

"Dammit, Pond, SLUT!!!"...

...Not as good... but it still works.

Statistically Deviant Systems Engineer

A Well Deserved Whuppin

A couple weeks back, Og posted a little throwaway "#7 of my top ten worst beatings":

Og’s Mom: “Don’t you get smart with me!”
Og:”How would you know?”

--sound of furniture being destroyed and repeated impact with blunt instruments

As it happened, when Og posted this, I had just returned from Massachusetts, where I had gone to memorialize my mother with my family. That put me in mind of my past, and I decided to post a little anecdote of one of my "formative experiences":

The worst beating I ever received from my mother, was due to similar smartass stupidity.

Now, my mother was 5′3 and 105lbs. By the time I was 9 I was bigger than her. When I stopped growing at 13, I was 6′2″ and 265lbs of mostly muscle and smartass.

Around 10 or 11 she pretty much stopped trying to hit me, just because it would have been a waste of time and effort.

So, one day in the summer of my 14th year, my mother (who would have been 34 or 35 at the time) and I were having a fight in the kitchen. The fight turned kinda nasty, and I said, with a great big shiteatin grin on my face “what are you going to do, hit me?”

So she did.

An open handed slap across the face, about as hard as she could hit… which, for a 5′3″ tall 105lb woman was pretty hard… but I had 11″ and 160lbs on her, and by then 8 years of Jiu Jitsu, and football, and wrestling.

Me, being composed as I said, mostly of muscle and smartass; did exactly the thing you would expect… I laughed at her.

So she tried to hit me again, and I caught her wrist; and she jerked it away so hard she sprained it… me, all the while, laughing at her.

At this point my mother got as angry as I’ve ever seen another human being get… I mean bright PURPLE with throbbing forehead veins and all and I was just falling all over myself laughing at her because I KNEW she couldn’t hurt me…

Oh boy, was I wrong.

See, the open handed slap of a 105lb woman may not hurt all that much… but my mother understood things like leverage, and mechanical advantage, and using the tools to hand…

While I was busy congratulating myself at how clever I was, my mother held her wrist in her other hand, turned slightly, and then spun back around the damn quick…

With a 12 inch frying pan, across the side of my head, with the entire force of her hopping mad body behind it (it turned out to have been hard enough to fracture her wrist)

I staggered back and fell flat on my ass, too stunned to swear.

My mother… all 5′3″ of her stood over me with the frying pan in her hand and said…

“Well… that wiped the smile off your face didn’t it. Don’t you EVER forget, I brought you into this world… I can take you out of it”.

So, So Very Revoked

see more Very Demotivational

Unfortunately, I (Mel, not Chris) already knew such things existed. No, pantyhose for men is not a hoax, in fact you can buy them here (found while looking for stockings for myself, thankyouverymuch.)

Despite the wide availability, somehow I think I'll still be the only adult in the family who wears pantyhose to work.

Mel

Well There's Your Problem

see more Very Demotivational

From the Long-Suffering Wife of a Dream Theater Fan

This is a little familiar:

When you offer your younger brother the chance to play ONE song in the car during a road trip, rethink your kind offer. I WILL dig through my Dream Theater music, and I WILL choose my favorite 42 minute song. #LFMsister'sF