What is it, and what does it mean?

I was asked a pair of fundamental questions:

What is your definition of disability?

And...

What does having a disability, or being disabled, mean to you?

Very BIG questions those... with very big answers...

A disability, is some functional area that requires a "normal" or acceptable  level of effort and difficulty for the large majority of the population, and which is considered "normal" and important to living life within a society; for which some people have either a total inability to satisfactorily function in that area; or for whom doing so, is so difficult as to cause significant problems in that person's life; or for which they require special assistance to function in such a satisfactory manner.

These can be physical, emotional, or mental.

That definition should I think, adequately address the functional aspects of both questions... social and emotional aspects are FAR more difficult and complex.

So... what are my disabilities specifically?

Well... I have limited mobility due to multiple severe musculoskeltal, and neuromuscular injuries, some with degenerative aspects in my joints and connective tissue; as well as arthritis relaated, and endocrine disfunction related inflammatory issues, which are also degenerative.

The pain from these also has general, and cognitive, disabling effects.

Then, further, I have general and cognitive disabilities, caused by stage 4 metastatic lymphocytic endocrine cancer, with thyroid, pituitary, adrenal, and gonadal insufficiency and disregulation; with associated paraneoplastic syndrome (including paraneoplastic insulin resistance), and degenerative neuromuscular and connective tissue issues.

I used to have near perfect eidetic memory... now there are times I can't remember the names of good friends, or the terms common to my profession which I have PhD level education in, and which I teach others at a postgraduate level.

There are times when I can't sleep for days... my record thus far is 12 days without full sleep (I was able to partially doze for short periods but could not reach full sleep), and more than 6 days with no sleep or rest at all.

On the other hand, there are times when I am overwhelmed by fatigue and the irresistable need for sleep, which when I am overcome, results in my sleeping for anywhere from 20 minutes, to 20 hours.... but the "sleep" is not restful or restorative.

I gained 200lbs, in less than two years, while on a restricted diet... because my metabolism simply slowed down, and I retained huge amounts of excess fluid. So much that I can still easily gain or lose more than 20 pounds in a single day and as much as 68lbs in three days, and 87 pounds in 5 days.

...Because of a specific spinal injury and little over a year ago, which caused rhabdomyolisis, partial kidney failure, and muscle death... I lost approximately 30% of the muscle and nerve tissue on on the left side of my body, from midback, down to my left foot andntoes.... I have spent the last 16 months, basically bedridden...

... and and of course, I am on my  third go around with this cancer, that is doing its best to kill me...

That's just a small subsample of the issues that have developed over the last 15 years that I have been fighting my illness.

So... it's understandable why I look in the mirror and sometimes, see a stranger, who only barely resembles "me".

Socially and emotionally... For me... I'm not someone who has ever given much of a damn about what other people, or "society" think... I am internally motivated and internally validated, almost entirely.

I am also someone who, for most of my life, both physically, and intellectually, outperformed almost everyone... There was very little I couldn't do, if I was sufficiently motivated... to a level that others might consider insane in itself...

For me... emotionally... what having severe disabilities has meant.. was that my body betrayed me, and made me... not me anymore.

Flowers for Algernon...

Patrick Day

I have repeated my basic statements on this day for the last few years, and since it's still what I want people to know about today, and what I want to say about today. I see no reason to change the practice this year.

Nations

I love my country and my country
my states and my counties
of purple mountains and four green fields
of pigskin and patriot games
of Stars and stripes and green and white
of micks and taigs
of my mother and my father
One world, and another

I am a "genuine" Irish American... so much as anyone can be said to be so.

Not some guy who's grandmother on my mothers fathers side stopped in limerick on the way over from France. I’m born to an Irish father and American mother, I'm a dual citizen, and I lived in Ireland for several years.

Today is the feast day of Saint Patrick.

While in theory Ireland’s most important holiday is St. Patricks day, in Ireland, the only people "celebrating" Patrick day (it's usually not called St. Patricks day) with wild partying, are the tourists (well... and the college students, but they'll celebrate the opening of a door with wild partying so...). Everyone else is home relaxing for the day off; or if they're still pious, off in church.

To Americans, it's a drunkards day, but to the Irish... or at least to those who are still religious, or who still give a damn about Ireland, and what it means to be Irish; its significance is something like independence day, memorial day, and thanksgiving combined... though that doesn't exactly capture it.

It's a religious holiday AND a national holiday, and one of the biggest worldwide symbols of Ireland there is... For good or ill.

For several hundred years under the British, it was illegal to celebrate Patrick day, and the conspicuous display of green on this day could see one arrested. It was considered raising rebellion against the crown... something my family has a long history of (really, look it up, fascinating stuff).

The celebration of this day is a very strong reminder to those who care about Ireland, and the Irish, what that means today, and what it has meant for the past 600 years.

Lest anyone think by these statements that I'm a supporter of the IRA, let me just say ohh ah FUCK THE RA. It isn't 1921 anymore, and those bastards have done more damage in the last 40 years than I can describe.

What most don't realize, or even even hear of; is that the IRA (and Sinn Fein the theoretical peaceful political component) are a Marxist organization. Yes they want a united Ireland, but they want it to be a "socialist workers paradise" like Cuba.

Yeah I think you all know how I feel about that.

Of course the other thing most don't know is, that since the late '80s most of the violence has been initiated on the protestant side.

The so called loyalists, and "protective associations" and other pathetic excuses for extortion gangs look at sectarianism as an ideal cover for their real goal: the control of the criminal underground of Northern Ireland.

If you want to know what someones opinion of it is, you don't need ask... just listen to what they call it.

If it's "The Cause", then they'll be singing "Boys of the Old Brigade" tonight. "The Struggle" is for those who march in orange down the Shankill road. The rest of us just call it "the troubles", and wish the lot of them to hell where they belong.

The worst part?

At this point, The Republic doesn't really want the north, and neither do the British. It's a gigantic economic drag (though it shouldn't be and certainly doesn't have to be), with extremely high unemployment, massive dole roles, very little sustainable economic base, and infrastructure costs that can't reasonably be borne... overall just a giant mess economically (part of that due to neglect, or outright hostility on the part of the British government, part of it the fault of the north itself).

If you held a vote in all of Ireland today whether to unify the country, maybe half of the northerners would say yes, and probably three quarters of those in the republic would say HELL NO WE DON'T WANT YA.

Which is a damn shame, because the Irish SHOULD be one nation, and one people. Even the English seem to accept that now; they just can't figure out how to extricate themselves from the situation while still doing right by her majesties subjects in the north counties AND saving face for the last 100 or so, or even the last 217 or so years (some would even say the last 900 or so years) of cockups.

So I think you can see why on this day, I find the singing of "rebel" songs to be a bit angering.

Now in honor of all the phony Irish assholes, and real Irish scumbags singing "The Men Behind the Wire" and "The boys of the old Brigade" in bars all over Ireland, Boston, New York, and Chicago...

FUCK YOU!!!!

The Patriot Game
-- Dominic Behan

Come all you young rebels, and list while I sing,
For the love of one's country is a terrible thing.
It banishes fear with the speed of a flame,
And it makes us all part of the patriot game.

My name is O'Hanlon, and I'm just gone sixteen.
My home is in Monaghan, where I was weaned.,
I learned all my life cruel England to blame,
And so I'm a part of the patriot game.

It's barely two years since I wandered away
With the local battalion of the bold IRA,
I'd read of our heroes, and I wanted the same
To play out my part in the patriot game.

This island of ours has for long been half free.
Six counties are under John Bull's tyranny.
So I gave up my Bible, to drill and to train
To play my own part in the patriot game.

And now as I lie here, my body all holes
I think of those traitors who bargained and sold.
I wish that my rifle had given the same
To those quislings who sold out the patriot game.

What the heck is a Muscular Minarchist?

I am a Muscular Minarchist.

What does that mean?

Well, the way I've introduced the concept for the past 20 or so years is:

I am a cynically romantic optimistic pessimist. I am neither liberal, nor conservative. I am a (somewhat disgruntled) muscular minarchist… something like a constructive anarchist. 

Basically what that means, is that I believe, all things being equal, responsible adults should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do, so long as nobody’s getting hurt, who isn't paying extra

That’s a bit of “ha ha only serious” there… and really does fairly encapsulate my personal moral and ethical position… it’s the “elevator pitch” version as it were.

The next sentence of the elevator pitch is:

I believe in an absolutely minimalist government that provides a strong defense. I want a government that stays out of my wallet, out of my bedroom, and out of my business.

I realize that’s a lot to ask, but I don’t believe it should be.

I write, because from time to time I must express my anger, frustration, ire, pique, and general cussedness in a format that is unlikely to result in my imprisonment.

I can just see it now “Radical right wing gun nut takes out entire joint session of congress”…

Hey a guy can dream can’t he?

Of course I’m not a radical right wing anything; I’m a radical about liberty.

 I make careful note that I am a philosophical libertarian (note the small “L”) and I take those principles seriously. It’s not just a question of politics, it’s a matter of morals and ethics.

Since I hold all involuntary collectivism as an inherent evil; that, by the very definition used by modern media ...and for that matter most who consider themselves "left" or "progressive" or "liberal"... is radical right wing.

The thing is, my opposition to involuntary collectivism is from all sides. I reject collectivist government, as much as I reject collectivist social policy, as much as I reject collectivist moral policy, or religion (not all religion, just the promulgation of involuntary collectivism through religion), or any other concentration of the power to coercively limit liberty.

I believe in Liberty, Responsibility, Service, and Honor… I guess I’m just funny that way.

Okay so who am I?

Personally, I’m a husband, a father of three, a son, and a friend. I am a sincere and faithful, but dissenting and schismatic, Catholic. I am a cancer warrior, because I didn't just survive cancer, I kicked its ass.

Professionally, I’m a veteran of the United States Air Force, an Aerospace Engineer and Computer Scientist by education; and an enterprise, infrastructure, systems, and security, architect and educator; by way of employment.

Passionately, I am a shooter, a singer, a guitar and bass player, a driver, a rider, a sailor, a pilot, a builder, a craftsman, a hunter, an outdoorsman, a reader, a writer, a poet, a cook and brewer, and a lover of fine food, and spirituous beverages.

Finally, by fundamental nature, I’m a hard core geek, about all of those things above, and more. I am by my nature compelled to learn, and love, and know, and understand, everything I care about; as fully and deeply as I possibly can.

I revel in my geekitude.

I work, play, game, read, speak, think, drink, and live, geek.

NOTE: This profile was originally published in 2005. The author was lazy and didn’t get around to updating it until October 16th 2014… when it was pointed out that in the intervening almost decade, he had somehow managed to acquire a wife and children (he met his wife shortly after the founding of the site), which he had neglected to mention.

Opportunity Knocking...

Well... I just had one of the best phone interviews I've ever had in my life.

There's what is a just about ideal position for my skills and experience, at a just coming out of stealth mode startup, in almost the perfect position for me to come in and add value.

It's a very interesting company, great people whose names you would know if you were familiar with their market and their skill domains.

I've already had about six hours of conversations with the CEO and founder, and their CTO. We talked everything from hobbies and humor, to technology, to philosophy and the future.

This was a technical interview with their most technical guy... who happens to be one of the people who helped design and build the internet as we know it today... and who said that I clearly provided exactly the value... and more... in exactly the areas, and more, that they needed me to.

The company is doing incredibly interesting work, in a huge, but badly undeveloped and underserved market (importantly, this isn't a potential market, it's a real market that is huge today). They have the potential to be very big... and they're doing everything right to do just that.

Even better... it's a socially responsible, and in fact world improving thing they are doing, while finding an ethical and responsible way to make great money doing so... and being an example to others as well.

Really... this couldn't get any better...

The only question now is... are we both in a position where we can meet each others needs... or can we get there in a reasonable manner and timeframe.

No matter what, these have been great folks to talk with, and I'm very excited about the possibilities here. Even if we can't get to that point, they are people I'm glad to know, and to have talked with.

That's a very good feeling.

Faith, and Schism

In matters of faith, I identify myself as a schismatic catholic, or a catholic in schism with my church.

Several people have asked me what I mean by that. I have explained it before as part of larger discussions, but it came up again today, so I thought I would clarify it here.

I used to call myself a "recovering catholic"...

Then I "recovered" about as much as I was going to, and in my own exploration of self, faith, and the ACTUAL tenets of catholicism (as opposed to what people THINK they are, even people who should know better... even other catholics), I discovered that I was in fact, very much still a catholic. I was just in schism with my church.

There are many things the church does or says, that I disagree with: either because I think they are unrelated to the teachings of god through christ and the mission and purpose of the church (ceasar what is ceasars, god what is gods etc...), or because I believe as a matter of conscience that the current teaching as currently expressed, is incorrect, misguided, or without foundation in the teachings of God through Christ.

My differences with the church are in matters of politics and policy (and sometimes in how these are reflected in current guidance and teachings), and in some semantical issues (disagreements in definition or interpretation)... not in matters of faith.

This does not make me heretical or apostate, nor does it excommunicate me, because of the doctrine of informed conscience (sometimes called enlightened conscience). I am still in communion and fellowship with the universal church.

What it does, is place me in schism.

"Well... You could've asked"

Happy Birthday to Me:

3287 days? Damn, that's like, a million in internet years

Today was my 9 year blogiversary.

Damn.

Seriously that's like, a million in blog years.

Doncha know, blogs are dead now... it's all about the instagram, and the snapchat, and the tweets.

And I admit, this blog has been damn near dead for the last couple years.

Once I was heavily into the cancer treatment...

Well, you blog about what bugs you, and what's going on in your life... and what was going on in my life was kinda depressing.

Lately, I've mostly been doing short posts on facebook... mostly because that's where I see the stuff that irritates me most ;-)

But I'm still here. And I'm still writing... every once in a while.

Thanks for sticking around.

I am basically Ron Swanson...

In an earlier post, I linked to a video talk with actor and professional fine woodworker, cabinetmaker, and finish carpenter, Nick Offerman.

For those who don't know, Nick Offerman, in real life, is basically a more "sane" and slightly less sociopathic version of his character Ron Swanson (who is based on Offermans own personality, interests, hobbies etc... just taken to ridiculous extremes)... only with a cooler job, and still married to "Tammy" (one of his ex-wives in the show, and played by his actual wife, Meghan Mullally).

Swanson (and largely Offerman), is a burly, blunt, confident, sometimes aggressive, plain spoken, mostly unfiltered (though able to filter and moderate when he chooses to, he just generally chooses not to), libertarian, disgruntled catholic, gun owner, meat lover, stupidity and ignorance hater, history lover, bad science debunker and skeptic, lover of fine spirits, wood and metalworker, believer in personal responsibility and self reliance etc...

For those who don't know me personally (or those who do but don't know the character)...

...I am basically Ron Swanson; except that I sport a vandyke and a high and tight (one of Ron's 3 "approved" haircuts), instead of an epic moustache and mane (though my hair does that exact thing when I let it grow), and I'm not technology hater.

...Well... and I'm slightly more sane, and less sociopathic.

... and I like fruit, as well as meat.

We even have the same red-brown wavy hair and red beard...

Hell we even wear the same clothes.

Seriously, I have a bunch of those same long sleeved collared knit shirts, rugby jerseys, golf/polo shirts, jeans, slacks, casual/dress shoes, and boots, that Ron wears. They're basically what I normally wear, every single day of the year (I never wear sneakers unless I'm working out, never sandals unless I'm at the beach; and never shorts or a shirt without a collar in public, unless I'm working out or at the beach).

...And when I say "the same", I mean not just a similar style... I mean the same shirts, in the same colors and patterns, probably from the same stores (Sadly, they most definitely did not cost him just $40 for ten years of his wardrobe... In fact they're actually damn expensive). We even wear the same styles of watch (... maybe even some of the same watches. We both wear divers and pilots chronometers and chronographs).


...And then theres these:



















... and then theres this 34 minutes and 15 seconds of concentrated Swanson... the vast majority of which strikes me as entirely reasonable, and full of good ideas:


...Yeah... I'm basically Ron Swanson... ... and I'm entirely OK with that...

I haven't been myself for a while...

Unless we've been very close friends for some time, or close family members; it's entirely possible... quite likely in fact... that any particular time you've met me since around 2005, or before 1993; who you met was not really me.

Or perhaps you may have may have met several different "me's"; any one of, or none of which, might actually have been me...

If you knew me before 1993, and we weren't really close then and haven't been close since, you probably never really met me, and don't really know me at all (that includes most of my family).

Unless we are (or were for some time) actually very close, or you knew me reasonably well between 1993 and 2005; it's entirely possible that, even if we've "hung out together a few times" and that "you know me pretty well"; if talking face to face was our primary interaction, and most of how you came to know me... then you probably don't know really know me well, and you may have met me very rarely, if at all.

... Actually... If you've never met me, but still consider that you know me very well... You're probably right... and you probably know me better... or at least more accurately... than those who HAVE spent a little face time with me, but not a lot of non-face time.

Huh? Wuh? What's with the metaphysics here... Existentialism is for Nihilists and Frenchmen...

Oh, I'm me... I've only got one brain, and one soul, and together they make one person locked in one body.  I have no secret alternate identities, and I'm not living a lie or a double life. I haven't cloned myself. To my knowledge, there are no AnarchAngel impersonators out there. I haven't been secretly living as someone else.

In fact, I make a very deliberate effort to be as open, honest, and straightforward about myself (and in general) as I possibly can (or you can possibly stand); and I think most of the time, I mostly succeed (sometimes entirely too well actually). Though there have been some notably horrendous failures.

Confused yet? 

So... what the hell am I talking about?

Hmmm... first things first, so from birth to 1993...

Well... I grew up in a pretty physically and emotionally abusive environment; hyper competitive, utterly intolerant of error, weakness, or anything less than the best you could give... and the punishments and penalties were quite severe, both emotionally, and at times physically.

I also grew up poor, in a rich town, with some rich family members, and some poor ones. And I grew up... weird. Bits of amazing love, tenderness, and family support; mixed with bits of hate, abuse, fear, insecurity... IT was not an experience I recommend for young people.

My family are mostly both very intelligent, and very screwed up in many ways.

To deal with all that, I built up several different masks, for dealing with the different people who I had to, or wanted to interact with. They weren't exactly lies, but they certainly weren't anything close to the unvarnished me. Each of them was based on real things within myself... different aspects and elements of my personality, emotions, thoughts; painted and stitched up to serve a particular purpose, and stay in place while doing so.

The only time the masks EVER slipped (unless I loved you and trusted you with my life) were in my worst moments, and in my best moments... and even then only generally when we were very close; but sometimes the real me was visible for a second here or there... a moment of real pain, a moment of real joy etc...

I certainly knew I was doing it, while I was doing it. It was mostly automatic and seamless... but I wasn't self deluding, nor was I really intending to deceive that much (as I said, the masks did reflect parts of me, just not all); I was intending to protect myself, and to limit my pain and problems. It was a defense and coping mechanism. I didn't want attention, actually I got too much of it, and wanted to be left alone more.

So... what's the significance of 1993?

1993 is when most of the abuse ended. 

Once I went to college, I started deconstructing the masks... or at least wearing them less frequently and less completely. By 2001 or so, when I split with my first wife, and moved to Ireland; I was trying very hard to not mask myself, and to be as open, honest, and genuine as I could be.

I also had to relearn social skills, without using the filter of the masks. Not treating other people as potential attackers or targets for example. Re-calibrating my filters.

There are still times when the masks go up... self protection... just plain smarter in certain situations... But I do try.

But that's not really what I'm talking about, it just explains why I say most people who knew me... including most of my family... before 1993 don't really know me at all.

So... here's the first big thing... 

...I'm not actually an extravert. At least not really...

Some of you started laughing when you read that.

Those of you who have met me more than a few times, but are NOT close friends and family, will likely find this very hard to believe, or even ridiculous, but it's true.

Even some of my pretty close friends have rarely if ever seen me when I'm not "on". When they do, it can be surprising to them.

Out in public I generally appear to be entirely extraverted... and in certain situations, extremely so. The more people around, particularly those I don't know well, the more extraverted I seem to get.

However, in me, what appear to be obvious visible elements of extraversion, are either something else entirely that looks like extraversion from the outside (but isn't), or learned (or perhaps conditioned) behavior on my part.

In fact, as far as the specific individual elements that make up extraversion and introversion; I'm far closer to being an introvert... but really, I'm neither.

What appears to be extraversion is either coincidence or construction. 

When I was a child, I  learned how to use my own energy and focus, to appear to be extraverted, as a defense mechanism.

When I was a kid, "extraversion" was one of  my masks... it was part of my defensive armor... But only when I couldn't avoid being stuck in with large groups of people, or people I didn't know and trust.

...Or with my family; who are mostly very loud, aggressive, argumentative, competitive... and if you can't keep up, and can't fence with the best of them... well then you're just another victim kid.

If I could avoid the crowds, I generally would; and unless I absolutely had to be "on" or I was looking for something in particular, or I was very bored... Frankly I was perfectly happy not seeing anyone at all for days at a time, just reading.

However, when I was forced to, or wanted to do something out with people, being "extraverted" was the closest I could get to being able to express parts of myself honestly; in a way that was, if not necessarily well liked or accurately understood, accepted as relatively "normal".

But that was as a kid... as I said, since 1993, I've tried not to mask myself as I did then. So what about now? Why do I seem so extraverted now?

The reason why I'm not an extravert, even though I outwardly appear to be one, and often act like one is actually fairly simple...

The visible elements of what I really am, when honestly expressed; have the same or very similar appearance as the equivalent elements of extraversion; and it is socially acceptable to express them as extraversion. 

The important thing, is that the motives, feelings, and results, which drive each, are entirely different. 

I do many of the same things extraverts do... and I look like I'm an extravert when I do them; but I do them for different reasons, and get different rewards from them, than extraverts. 

So... what am I really, if not an extravert? 

Yeah... I keep mentioning that... "what I really am"... that can be a loaded question... and knowing my audience, for some it will be the inspiration for many jokes.

The answer though isn't particularly complex...

What I really am, is probably explained simplest by saying I'm an Obsessive, Hyperactive,  Enthusiast, and  Stimulus addict.

I am, by my essential nature, curious, inquisitive and exploratory, bold, sensitive, empathetic, enthusiastic, and passionate. However, I am also hyper-analytical, hyperfocused, hyperactive, and obsessively driven.

I have one of those brains that just needs input, stimulus, as much as possible, as often as possible, and as many varieties as possible; and then needs to process, analyze, and understand that input... and then relate it to all of the other previous experience, stimulus, and input.

Since I don't like drugs, my paths for seeking stimulus are books, the internet, pop culture, and social and personal interaction.

Really, I'm happy with any of them, so long as I can get variety and novelty in there. Which is why I am interested in, and know so much about so many different, weird, and obscure things; and why I know so many people.

The vast majority of life is relatively uninteresting on it's surface... but get deep into the details of things, and see how the complex interactions work, how many there are, how they break down...

I am perfectly happy going weeks at a time without seeing or talking to another human being except my direct loved ones. In fact, when I'm particularly involved in something, I prefer it. Other people require attention and focus, which tends to get in the way of focusing your entire being on understanding the entirety of particular thing and how it relates to and interacts with every other thing.

The thing is, reading, the internet etc... as varied and complex as they are, they are still relatively static as input... they're not alive. Yes of course they're changing in a constant stream, but it's not the same thing. After a while with nothing but dead input, my brain needs something else. It needs more complexity and novelty, than the static can provide.

And just about the most complicated and novel things in the world, are people... People are absolutely endlessly fascinating. And when I find people who I find particularly interesting, and who I like? Whoa boy...

Hyperactive, Obsessive and Controlling...

I've always had ADHD... actually very very severe ADHD; but not of the inattentive variety. Mine is the hyperfocused hyperactive variety.

If you have hyperfocused hyperactivity... you've got a superpower... IF you can control it effectively. It lets you get more done in less time than almost everyone else. More than seems possible or realistic.

Ever wonder how I manage to write 10,000 word blog posts in a few hours? And how I managed to write one of them almost every day for years? That's how.

Or how I read seven 400 page books in a day.

Or how when I had a 90 minute seminar presentation to give, and the night before the seminar my laptop hard drive decides to munge itself not once but TWICE (I recovered it from backups both times, after figuring out what caused it to puke in the first place); I managed to re-write the entire thing from scratch, because none of what I had done for the past few two weeks was on my backups.

That was Friday by the way.

I managed a double BS in two of the more difficult engineering disciplines in 3 years because of it.

I have generally been an extreme performer at work, academically (if not necessarily in grades... I tended to get great test scores and miss a lot of homework... Typically I got either an excellent grade or an incomplete), and in my hobbies and interests.

It's absolutely amazing... IF you can control it.

It takes enormous energy and focus to control it.

What... wait... it takes focus to control hyperfocus?

Yeah...the funny thing about the hyperfocused part of that... It's hyperfocus yes, to an absolutely absurd degree which can seem almost... or completely... insane (in fact it is technically a mental illness); but it's not controlled focus. The hyperfocus does it's thing on whatever the hyperactivity happens to pop into your head at any given time. And it can disappear just as quickly if the hyperactivity pops something else into your head.

So yes, it takes ENORMOUS energy, focus, and control, to get a handle on it. To direct and focus it on the things you WANT to focus on, rather than whatever your impulses dictate.

If you can't control it... Well... Ever see "Real Genius"?

Jordan?







 Yeah, that's uncontrolled hyperfocused hyperactivity.

Realworld example? Nikola Tesla (he had some other issues as well of course).

In fact, the entire absentminded professor trope comes from hyperfocused hyperactivity.

You think wikipedia or TV tropes are a timesuck for YOU? I go to look up one thing, and all of a sudden it's three hours later and I've got over 100 tabs open (and that's not a made up example... that was a few days ago).

I was utterly exhausted on the plane home Saturday. Had no energy whatsoever. No real focus or control. On my flight out of DFW we taxied for a very long time before takeoff... about 15 minutes. Most people would just ignore that if they noticed it at all. It doesn't matter, and no-one cares. But the hyperfocused hyperactive brain made me take 45 minutes to figure out the exact route and distance we had taxied (using the FAA airport diagrams), that we had made the longest possible direct taxi from gate to threshold you could make at DFW, and the average speed, and likely peak speed we had travelled (which significantly exceeded the taxiway speedlimit).

HH people tend to have tons of hobbies and interests. We're the people who learn 5 instruments and 7 languages, and parasail, and play competitive Go... on Tuesday... then on Wednesday...

We also tend to be either extremely successful, or utterly unsuccessful; in life, in careers, in relationships; pretty much entirely dependant on the degree of control we have over our HH.

Both by my nature, and because of the HH, I am quite literally an obsessive collector of experiences, input, and knowledge; and an obsessive collector of people.

Like any other obsession, these drives are INCREDIBLY strong for me. It took long years of work and maturity to understand and learn how to deal with them, to restrain and mitigate them when appropriate; and how to express them, to be a part of my personality, and not to overwhelm it.

... because people don't like to be around you if you don't.

And the thing is, these drives are innate to me. They work at the speed of impulse.

The restraint of them is learned behavior. It's social skills. It's discipline. It's experience and wisdom. And it doesn't run at the same speed as the impulses. It's much slower.

I had to learn a level of control, and to add interrupt and feedback mechanisms into my operational processes.

Empathy, and sensitivity are slower too... so I had to learn to slow down and add interrupts for emotion.

For most, emotion seems to work far faster than intellect. Most of the time, for me, it's the opposite.

Because of how I grew up, there are layer and layers of strong restraint and control on my emotions. They take some time to make it through those layers and express themselves, in comparison to the analytical engine, which is always working at full speed.

If I didn't have these skills, this restraint, this control, my impulses would run out of control, and my intellect would completely and entirely outpace my empathy, sensitivity, and emotions.

One of the advantages I've had in this, is that I have great innate perceptiveness, which I've trained up with observation, and situational awareness...

I had to... they were defense mechanisms. They kept me alive and safe.

However, they take a huge amount of energy and focus to keep working... and particularly to interrupt the hyperspeed analytical engine.

For most people, it takes more energy and focus to use their intellect, than their empathy or their emotions... I'm exactly the opposite.

Also, at times, because of my emotional control, and because of the hyper-analytical thing; I can seem like I lack sensitivity and empathy.

Anyone who gets very close with me, or who I like very much understands this is not true; but it's certainly a reasonable assumption to make for someone who hasn't seen the other side of me.

Actually, rather the opposite is true... By nature I'm extremely sensitive and empathetic... too much so in fact.

I was emotionally abused as a child quite severely; and grew up in a family of addicts, who had all suffered abuse themselves; with a mother (and other family members) who was critically ill much of the time, and had severe mental and emotional issues even when she wasn't. Even when I was not directly in pain myself, I was constantly surrounded by the pain of those I loved.

So, I developed incredibly strong defenses and controls around my empathy, my sensitivity, and my emotions. It takes some time and some effort to open them up. Now, I do try to be as open, understanding, and empathic as possible... but again, it takes energy and focus to do so.

So, when I'm seemingly insensitive or oblivious, or entirely unemotional... it's actually that my intellect, or my defense mechanisms have overrun my emotion, and my control.

As I have said, the problem with all of these things, is that they take a great deal of energy and focus, and control.

Which is important to remember for the rest of the story...

So, what else then?

What's Sleep?

There has literally never been a time since I was about 13 years old... not for one single minute of that entire time... that I wasn't sleep deprived, at least to some degree.

And not just "oh I need 8 hours but I only got 6"... more like "wow, I managed to get a whole four hours uninterrupted today", with the occasional smattering of "Ok, day four with no sleep, wonder if I'll be able to eat anything without being sick".

I've been an insomniac my entire life... at least since I was 3 or 4. It got worse as I got older, particularly during and just after puberty; to the point where at 14, I once went a full 5 days without sleeping; and had many 3 or 4 full day episodes.

Typically speaking, in those years I would sleep for 8-12 hours, then not sleep for 2 to 4 days, then sleep for 8-12 hours again. This was my normal every day pattern. I missed a lot of school.

Thankfully it kinda tapered back off starting in high school, and by college, I was mostly able to sleep 4-6 hours a night, most nights, with the occasional 2 or 3 day episodes.

From the ages of 16 to around 28, I was still an insomniac, but it wasn't as severe. I actually got some sleep on occasion, and the times when I went days without sleeping became less frequent, and less severe (I stopped going 4 and 5 days, and went down to 2 or 3 days).

This has been complicated by chronic pain due to injury and illness since I was 19... not much makes you more exhausted while at the same time less able to sleep, then chronic pain.

Unfortunately, since around the age of 28, my illness (and the medications required to treat it), and the various stresses of the last 8 years, have made it worse.

Also, disruption to life patterns, and travel, both make it worse.

And of course, we have an almost six month old baby... and every parent with a 6 month old is sleep deprived anyway.

And yes, the sleep deprivation then in turn makes the health problems and the stress worse.

Let me use this week as an example for you...

As I'm typing this, it's about 5am Sunday morning, and I haven't actually fully slept since Tuesday at 8am. I had two short naps of about 2 hours each in that time.

Let's just take that Tuesday through Sunday period and break it down...

Tuesday I woke up from 4 hours of sleep, at about 8am. I tried to sleep, but couldn't, until I managed a short nap at about 8am the next day.

Wednesday I woke up from my 2 hour nap at 10am. I had to work all day on a presentation I was giving Friday, and fix some computer issues. I ended up working all day an all night on various things, before leaving for the airport at 6am Thursday for my 8:30 flight. I was flying all day, arriving in Tampa at 6pm local, and then went out to dinner with friends until around midnight.

So, I didn't sleep at all thursday.

I wanted to sleep but couldn't... and I still had work to do. I ended up working all night, until I left to go to the seminar I was delivering at 10am. We worked on seminar prep, then delivering the seminar, all day; and went out to dinner with the host and other presenter until about midnight.

Meaning I didn't sleep at all on Friday either, and delivered a seminar on camera (at 3pm), after having been awake and travelling for 53 hours.

I tried to sleep that night as well, knowing I had another flight in the morning, but couldn't manage it at all, until I had a barely unconscious half awake half asleep nap for two hours before heading to the airport.

I got off the airplane, and Mel picked me up so we could spend some time with friends in Phoenix, before heading out to her dads in kearny (a 90 minute drive). We ended up getting back to Kearny around midnight... and I tried to sleep but couldn't... so I started writing this.

I finally managed to fall asleep shortly after I wrote the first paragraph in this section. I wanted to finish it at the time, but I had to stop writing because my eyes literally couldn't focus anymore, I was microsleeping, and I started writing gibberish. I got about six hours of sleep total between 5am and 6pm.

I spent 117 hours without actually sleeping, just two half asleep naps of two hours each, 2 days apart; with four flights, on two basically full days travelling packed in.

Thankfully, that is the worst week for insomnia I've had in years... in fact I think it's the worst I've had since I was a teenager. I've only had one other full 4 day period of sleeplessness in the last year, and nowhere near as many 3 day periods as my teen years.

So... what does that mean?

Sleep deprivation does more than just make you tired. It depletes your energy and focus, your control. It changes your mood and your personality. It affects your decision making. It affects how your body heals, and the damage it takes.

The more severe the sleep deprivation, and the more of it over time, the more impact it has.

So, when my insomnia isn't too bad, plenty of energy and focus, but the worse it gets the less I have.

And then there's the pain...

I have lived with chronic, severe, and worsening pain, since I was 19 years old.

I have a history of inflammatory issues that run in the family, and have arthritis in several joints; as well as a series of moderate to severe musculoskeletal injuries, particularly to my knees, back, and ankles.

I then developed endocrine cancer, which caused my endocrine system to go insane... The endocrine system controls the bodies inflammatory response. The inflammation is what causes most of the pain.

On a good day, I have a background pain level of about 2 to 3... I don't even notice 2 to 3. Most days I'm a 4-5, but the prescription anti-inflammatories can take it down some; sometimes even down to a 1-2. Bad days, I'm a 7-8 without the drugs... those days I don't get out of bed without them.

Really bad days I'm a 7-8 WITH the drugs, and I'm in enough pain that I can't eat, and sleep is... not sleep, it's passing out from the exhaustion of being in pain. If I try to walk on a 7-8 day without the drugs, I will spike a 9-10... that makes me scream, or cry, or have to clamp my jaw shut... sometimes hyperventilate...

There's a reason I call them "really bad" days.

Before the cancer, I hadn't had any "really bad" days in a while, and very few bad days. When the cancer was at it's worst, most days were bad days, and there were a lot of really bad days. The few good days I had, I tried to do as much as I could, enjoy myself as much as I could, before the pain hit again.

Traveling makes it worse. Sometimes a little worse, sometimes a LOT worse. Sleep deprivation makes it worse, in a vicious circle.

Two years ago, I was traveling for work most days, commuting from Idaho to San Francisco every week. I decided to drive from my work apartment to the gunblogger rendezvous in Reno that year, since I was working in SF and it's only a few hours drive.

Unfortunately, that was a bad week to begin with, I had pretty bad sleep deprivation, and the inflammation flared up on me when I got to the hotel. That whole weekend, I managed to make it to dinner both nights, but I missed all the events. I was in bed, in pain, and unable to sleep or eat.

Those were really bad days.

I hate narcotic painkillers. I don't take them unless I absolutely have to. My docs have standing scrips for me for vicodin if I need it, but I haven't filled one of them since 2010. I think the effects of opiates on my body are about as bad as the pain is.

Mostly, I just live with it.

The good news? Since the cancers gone, I'm getting better. A LOT actually. Between the reduction of endocrine insanity and the weight loss (over 100lbs so far, another 100lbs to go) I'm feeling a lot less pain in general, with more good days, and fewer bad days... and almost no really bad days.

The significance of 2005

I started to notice I was getting sick in 2005.

It's likely that I was actually sick for a few years beforehand, but by 2005, the symptoms were obvious and starting to have a real negative impact on me. I spent 6 years getting sicker and sicker until we finally found the cancer in early 2011, and then all of 2011 and 2012 treating the cancer.

The funny thing about having cancer... it wasn't the whole "maybe dying" thing that bugged me the most...

It was the brain fog.

It was how it drained me. How it made me dull, and slow, and tired... How I stopped enjoying things. How much pain I was in.

Mostly it was the brain fog.

Even with the insomnia and the sleep deprivation, I almost always had plenty of energy and focus. More than almost anyone I knew. I was ok going a couple days at a time without sleeping, because I had the energy to do so most of the time.

The biggest thing my cancer did to me, was make me stupid.

I used to have a spectacular, even freakish memory. I could remember long passages from books word for word as if I was reading them off the page.

Now I sometimes forget words for things I have in my hand.

Sometimes I tell the same story several times, because I don't remember if I told it before... like your crazy old uncle. Or I explain something, because I don't remember if the person I'm explaining it to was there or not, or would know what I was talking about.

Hell... I've had job interviews, where I forgot the names of products I worked with for years, or basic terminology from my industry, or steps of how to do something I'm a certified expert and instructor in.

I know they're up there... I can feel them... I can almost see them... they just won't come out. They're behind a wall of fog.

Hell... I've re-edited this piece 50 times now while reading it, because of things I meant to put in but forgot.

It made my brain so fogged that not only was I not hyperactive and hyperfocused... I had NO activity and NO focus... at least compared to what I was used to.

When it got bad, it took my hyperfocused ADHD and made it into very very severe inattentive ADHD. I couldn't concentrate on anything for any length of time. I couldn't read a book, or write a blog post.

It took away my energy, and my focus, and my control.

It made my pain so much worse.

It made my sleep deprivation so much worse.

Even worse though, it wasn't consistent. The fog would be on me for hours, days, even weeks at a time... and then all of a sudden it wasn't. For a few hours, or a few days, I was good. I was me. I could think and focus, and get things done...

... and then it would come back...

You have no idea how awful that is... really, unless you've been through it, you don't. Honest to god, thinking about it in depth right now, remembering it... I'm actually teared up right now. I've been through some horrible things in my life, by far that one thing... that's the worst. I would rather die than go through it again... and it's not over... not by a long shot. It's never going to go away completely... I'm never going to get completely better. But it's getting better...

I'm recovering now. I've been out of treatment and cancer free since December, and I'm feeling a lot better already... but I'm nowhere near where I was before I got sick yet.

Bringing it all together...

So... that was a lot of very personal stuff to explain, kinda rambling and disjointed... what does it have to do with "not actually meeting me" since 2005?

Simple actually... I had to tell you all that, so I could tell you this.

Since 2005 I've mostly either worked from home, or in a travel job. Since 2010, that was complicated by living 75 miles from the nearest city. Since 2005 I have been increasingly ill. Since 2005 I have increasingly had problems with focus, energy, and control.

Most of that time, most of my energy on the bad days was spent on my wife and kids, or on working.

Most of my good days, the days when I had less pain, more focus, more control, etc... I was at home with my wife and kids, or with close friends and family. Those are the days that I would be writing, be productive, etc...

So other than very close friends and close family members, if I've met you, hung out with you etc... it was probably either while I was traveling, or on one of the rare occasions where, after several weeks of seeing no-one other than my wife and kids; I managed to travel the 75-100 miles necessary to get to wherever it was we met.

When we met, I was almost certainly sleep deprived, exhausted, and in a great deal of pain (in fact I probably warned you that I was). I may have started out the day with less pain, and more focus, energy and control, but after a while it does tend to run out (and the pain gets worse the longer I'm out of bed) And I would have been starved for adult human interaction with someone other than my wife.

But if I just stopped attempting to have social interaction when I wasn't 100% up to it... I wouldn't have any at all. So I burn up the energy, and focus, and control I have, and I push past the pain, and I at least try to be a human being, and interact with other human beings.

As I said above, it takes a lot of energy and focus, to slow my intellect etc... down, and keep it, and the hyperactive hyperfocus, under the control of my personality.

It takes a lot more for me now... sometimes more than I have, because when the brain fog is lifted, the cancer didn't slow the hyperactive hyperfocus at all... but it DID slow the rest of me down... and it took away the energy and focus required to CONTROL the HH.

And it did so inconsistently. Sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm not. And the more stress, the more pain, the more crap piled on top of crap there is, the less energy, control, and focus I have for being a regular human being.

Also, I am on various medications that have various effects on that. One of those is adderall... It helps, a lot... with lifting the brain fog, and with controlling the ADHD when it's in inattentive mode.

Sometimes it helps with the hyperfocused mode... sometimes it makes it worse. The less energy, focus, and control I have when I take it and I'm in hyperfocus mode, the less it helps there.

It's worse, because it brings the speed back up on the hyperactivity and hyperfocus, but NOT on the control, and the conscious focus, and the other things.

It takes a lot of energy, focus, and control to remember to, and be able to insert the interrupt to; be an actual semi-normal person... to be the actually kinda nice, caring, loving, funny, guy I really am... the guy I spent years of pain and suffering developing the wisdom and skill and experience to become.

I haven't had a lot of energy, focus, or control to spare in the last few years.

So, it's entirely likely that if you met me after 2005, you didn't meet me... you met a part of me, that was in some variable degree controlled, or possibly uncontrolled, by the rest of me.

See... me, without the social skills, empathy, sensitivity, and control that it takes that energy and focus to maintain...

I'm Jordan.

My experience with an important question

This is going to be about religion... I'm not proseltyzing, I'm trying to explain something important about me. Do with it what you will.

A few days ago on Facebook, I posted something about Catholic doctrine, and as I expected with my rather diverse group of friends, there were a few comments about how they believe in God but not organized religion, or how the church was corrupt and abusive etc...

I get that... that's where I was for a long time. I am still in schism with my church over several major issues, and thus I can't take communion or resolution.

I left my church young. I grew up in Boston in the 80s. I had friends (and possibly family, though that's never been clear) who were molested, and the church (and others, much to their shame) covered it up. I saw a lot of the negative that a church can do.

For most of my life, the last time I attended a catholic service as a communicant (vs. being a wedding guest etc..) had been my confirmation mass at age 13.

For a while, I thought I was agnostic. I've seen, and felt, and done too much to be atheist. I'm a rationalist, and a trained engineer, but with what I've been through in my life, I simply cannot deny the existence of the spiritual and the divine. To do so would be irrational...

Anyway, I knew I wasn't and couldn't be an atheist; but at that time, I rejected Christianity, along with my rejection of my church.

After some years (and a rather intense spiritual experience in which I felt the presence of the divine directly. God pretty much smacked me upside the head and told me to stop screwing up), I finally understood that I had not lost my faith in god... just my faith in my church.

Unfortunately,  for years, I really I wasn't really sure how to deal with that.

I tried other churches, and none of them ever felt right. I tried other "spiritual communities", both Christian and otherwise. I've studied other religions, other philosophies. I've taken instruction in them, and even practiced in them some.

None of them were ever right for me. They just didn't feel right. I was not expressing my relationship with the divine and the spiritual in a way that worked for me.

A few years ago... I guess it's about 10 years ago now actually; I got the exact same piece of advice, almost word for word, from several different people, none of them connected with each other, without prompting, and all at the same time (within a few weeks of each other) :

Why let the stupidity, venality, and corruption of men; interfere with the way you wish to express your relationship with God?

That struck me... almost literally... The idea had a near physical force... Simply put, it was "right". Entirely and absolutely RIGHT.

So, 13 years after having left, I went back to the Catholic church. I've been happier, and felt better spiritually since.

My wife was raised evangelical, and by the time she reached her teens; because of the extreme bigotry, arrogance, hypocrisy, and flat out emotional abuse, of the group she was raised in; she had rejected Christianity entirely.

When I met her (8 years ago) she had  basically drifted into being a neo-pagan of sorts, but that was never really "right" for her either.

I never set out to convert her, but it was important to me that she understand my faith and how I expressed it.

At first, she was very much against the idea of any kind of Christianity, because she had had such a negative experience growing up. I certainly understood that, given my own experience.

The thing is... most people... even, unfortunately most of those who profess to be devout Christians... don't know very much about their faith. Very few know anything at all about the history, theology, and doctrines of their professed faith. Or frankly, much of anything beyond what they're own minister has told them.

Even many who believe themselves to be extremely knowledgeable, are in fact totally ignorant; because they have been taught a version of Christianity that reflects their pastors personal preferences and prejudices, rather than the teachings of God through Christ.

Worse, many are taught that theirs is the only possible understanding, that one must accept the word of their leaders as if it was the word of God, and that any who believe otherwise, even the slightest bit, are not truly Christians (and of course, all who are not true Christians are damned to hell).

They are taught that unquestioning and unthinking obedience is required of them; and that to question or disobey their leaders, is to act against God.

Many are taught that God has a very specific and detailed set of rules, behaviors, and expectations that cover every little bit of their lives. That differing from these in any way means that you are a bad person, not a true Christian; that unless you repent and follow the rules exactly as their leaders dictate, you will go to hell.

Christianity isn't necessarily easy; there are some absolute moral and ethical precepts and standards, and they can be hard. Christianity isn't feel good, everything goes, do whatever you want to and it's all ok...

...but it isn't... that...

The only more vigorous bigotry than antisemitism, is the bigotry of some who call themselves Christians, against other Christians.

Anyway, once I talked with her about my faith, and my understanding of God, and how my church fit into that.... and once I corrected the rather deeply ingrained misconceptions, deliberate disinformation, flat out lies and vicious prejudice etc... about catholicism that she had been taught since childhood, she decided she wanted to try attending a Catholic service.

We went together, with our young children (at the time our daughters were 4, almost 5, and 3).

In that first service, at a wonderful parish that we remained members of until we moved to Idaho (St. Theresa's in Phoenix) she felt what she had been missing in church, and in Christianity, her entire life... and she decided that she fit best as a catholic as well.

As I said, I am... actually we are... in schism with the church over a few pretty major issues (issues of politics, policy, and doctrine; not of theology)... but the Catholic church is where we feel at home spiritually.

No, my church isn't perfect. Like any other, it is an institution composed of men, and men are imperfect. Frankly a lot of what they say and do, I disagree with. But this the Catholic church is where I feel best in expressing my relationship with God.

So... if any of that sounds familiar to you... I've got the same question for you as my friends had for me...

If you believe in God, and in Christ... No matter what your differences or issues with any particular church may be... Why are you allowing the venality, corruption, and stupidity of men and their institutions, interfere with how you want to express your relationship with God?

Project Hal

This little 400lb crate:

Is what I was waiting for to arrive, before I made the announcement.

Inside said 400lb crate, is a Seig SuperX3 Mill drill; the best of the Chinese made benchtop mills, here in the guise of the Grizzly G0619 "small mill drill" (it's also available from Jet, and from Shop Fox):

It's one step up from the "mini mills" and "hobby mills" out there, and one step down from a freestanding vertical mill. I've got a power feed for it, and it's got a built in DRO on the quill, and for the spindle RPM. I just need to put a multi-axis DRO on the table and head (and I may CNC it. There's a number of CNC conversion kits out there for it).

Significantly though, it's the smallest mill I would consider adequate for general gunsmithing; with a 1hp motor, a 21"x6" table,  16"x6" table travel, and a no-retram 90 degree rotating millhead. With a 6" rotary table, a 6" cross slide vise, a 6" tilting vise, and a full set of clamps and blocks (all of which I've also purchased) that's enough mill capacity and capability for any gunsmithing operation I can think of short of milling a full stock, or an entire precision shooting fixture.

With this, and the 26" metal lathe (and other tools of course) I've acquired; I feel that I can make my announcement.

I have set up a full machine shop, and wood shop; and I am becoming a full time (or at least most of the time) gunsmith, metal fabricator, and woodwright.

I'm an engineer by nature and by education; with degrees in aerospace engineering, and computer science. I've got almost 20 years employment in some type of engineering work (mostly in IT), and more than 10 years in technical management. I also build and repair computer systems, storage, and networking equipment.

What most don't know (though I have mentioned it here before several times), is that I'm also a trained and experienced metal fabricator, finish carpenter, cabinet maker, and furniture restorer and refinisher (both by interest, and by former employment).

I've been fabricating in wood and metal both professionally, and as a hobby, since I was a teenager.  I've also been working professionally with computers and networks since I was a teenager.

I started my first business while I was in high school, building computers and networks for doctors and lawyers offices etc... I've been working in IT ever since.

From the age of 13, I was also employed part time (and occasionally full time) at my uncles furniture restoration and refinishing shop; where I learned fine carpentry, cabinet making, and furniture finishing and restoration. On the side, I built and finished a couple of boats, more than a couple of guitars, a lot of furniture... basically anything in wood that I felt like messing with.

Other jobs I had as a teenager and during college included an apprentice fabricator at a custom bicycle shop, where I learned to weld and braze (including aluminum and titanium), and where I first learned machinework; and as an auto and motorcycle mechanic.

I've been making knives and swords since I was 17; when a friend of mine in the SCA introduced me to forging, and stock removal knife making. Right now I have several knives that I either made, or heavily modified from stock blades (regrind, reshape, refinish, new grip scales etc...); and I have given several as gifts over the years.

I started gunsmithing... (or more accurately, armorer work since I at the time I didn't do any firearms machine work. Just fitting and filing) when I was 21; working mostly on ARs, AKs, SKS's, and 1911s.

Again, I've never stopped doing that, both as a hobby, and periodically as a business. Over the past 15 years or so, I've done hundreds of trigger jobs and action jobs, and a lot of parts fitting; on Glocks, SIGs, 1911s, and various rifles; and built dozens of ARs, and Remington 700 type rifles (as well as a few other types of guns here and there).  I've also been a firearms trainer (I was NRA certified), and a shop armorer and class III armorer, for several different businesses.

Recently, I've built a number of full custom 1911s, and several precision long range rifles, on the TC Encore, Remington 700, and Winchester model 70 platforms. I've also done a few Saiga conversions, and some rebuilding and refinishing work.

The reason I haven't referred to myself as a professional gunsmith before, was because as far as I'm concerned, you aren't a gunsmith if you don't have the shop and tools necessary to build a gun from bare metal (minus rifling the barrel, which almost no-one has the machines for anymore); and I haven't ever had the space, time, and cash, all at the same time, to have such a shop.

This is the same reason why I haven't referred to myself as a cabinetmaker or furniture restorer. Without a shop to work with, you're just another carpenter.

I've done gunsmithing work for years, using other peoples gear, and using hand tools and light power tools (the dremel tool can be your friend, as well as your enemy); but I haven't been able to do the kind of work I wanted to do.

I've been doing light finish carpentry, making furniture, and restoring antiques for years, using whatever home grade tools I had at the time. Again, I haven't been able to do the work I wanted to do.

As of now, that is no longer true. Now I have the tools, and the space, to do what I want to do.

I have spent the last few months, and about $30,000; building a custom wood and metal fabrication shop, here on my property in Sagle Idaho.

The last tools to purchase were the mill, and the metal lathe (I've had a wood lathe since last year). I ordered them a few weeks ago, and the Mill arrived today (the lathe hasn't shown up yet, but it was supposed to be here today as well).

So, in this post, I am formally announcing the formation of Crispin Arms, and Crispin Fabrication; joining Crispin Press and Crispin Consulting, as subsidiaries of Crispin Enterprises.

Crispin Arms - 

Crispin Arms is a small gunsmithing shop, FFL dealer, Class 3 SOT, manufacturer of firearms and class III items (paperwork is filed and pending on all of those requiring federal licensing); maker of custom knives; and manufacturer of high precision, custom loaded ammunition.

We specialize in custom gunsmithing, ammosmithing, bladesmithing, custom fabrication in metal and wood, and firearms repair; including repair of class III items, and fabrication and fitting of hard to find and out of production parts for firearms and class III items.

Crispin Arms has particular expertise in 1911 type pistols, and long range rifles.

Crispin Fabrication -

Crispin Fabrication is a fabrication, repair, restoration, and finishing shop for wood and metal.

Services including custom machining, custom sheetmetal work, welding, custom electronics and electronics repair, wood and metal finishing and refinishing (including spray and chemical finishes, but not plating or heart cured finishes), wood and metal repair and restoration, and antique repair and restoration.

Crispin Fabrication has particular expertise in automotive, powersport and motorsport applications; aviation applications; boating and marine applications; guitar repair and fabrication; and furniture repair and restoration.

We also manufacture specialty tools and fixtures, and custom and reproduction parts, for all of the industries and interests above.

So, what's next?

Well, I've got the tools, and I've got the building.

I have a 32' x 32' fully insulated and heated shop space; with a second floor, heated, clean air, spray booth (I have both HVLP and high pressure systems. I spend the money to get a Japanese made professional turbine; because you can't cheap out on HVLP setups) , and a storage loft.

I've also got a dedicated 400 square feet in my finished and climate controlled basement; for office work, clean work, and benchwork, and for a secure storage space.

It's small, but with the way I've got things set up (everything is either on a wall, or on rolling stands) it's enough, and it's cheap to run.

The only thing space wise I don't have, that I'd really like, is a space for a vehicle lift (I have a bike lift, and an overhead hoist, and enough clear space to get a truck up on stands; but not enough for a lift), and a loading dock for truck deliveries. Frankly, I can live without them.

Now I need to finish putting the shop together, setting the tools up, setup the storage and organization etc... That's going to take me a few weeks.

I have local resources arranged for plating, anodizing, powdercoating, engraving, and anything else I can't do in my shop (including whatever machining or welding I can't do on my own).

I'm already setup to do stock removal knife making; excepting that I haven't built a heat treating oven yet (and yes, I'm going to build one, not buy one. You can build one for a hell of a lot less than the $2500 they charge for even a small 1500 degree setup).

I will also be building a forge, and hand forging implements, tools, and blades; but that is a ways down the road. 

I've got the paperwork in on my dealers and manufacturers FFL right now. That will take anywhere from a few weeks, to a couple months to clear. I don't plan on focusing on sales of new or used firearms ( I want local shops to send me business, not see me as a competitor); but I will conduct transfers, group buys, and other FFL type stuff. In the mean time, I have an arrangement with a local gun shop to do transfers, to sell my custom guns, and to act as their shop gunsmith. 

Once my FFL comes through, I will file as a Class III SOT; which will take another couple months.

I'm hoping that within the next six months, I'll be able to manufacture, customize, and repair, any kind of firearm I choose, or my customers choose to send me.

Not only that, I'm creative, and I'm skilled mechanically and in materials. I don't just copy and fix, I design new things; and new ways of doing things. I can create original designs, and I can execute them. I plan on doing any type of custom fabricating people want to pay for, and I have the skills to execute.

I'm currently taking advanced machining and advanced welding classes locally, to refresh and expand my skills. I know how to do both, but I am by no means a master at either; and I can always use more practice time, and new skills and techniques. I may become a certified welder, and get a machinists certificate in the process, simply to have as points on my resume. 

Of course, I'll be working locally, through the blog, and through my contacts in the gun world, to generate business. There are a lot of folks out there who have seen my work on 1911s and precision rifles; and a lot of people who have felt my trigger work. I am willing to bet you that many of them would say they've never felt a better trigger than on one of my 1911s, or on my S&W 625.

There's also a few folks who have seen (or own) my custom furniture and wood working pieces; and they'll tell you they've never seen a better piece, with a better finish, than I make.

Tomorrow, I'm going to post an example of a product I intend to sell, made by hand, in wood and metal; and that I can make and sell many of, with relatively low overhead.

As I mentioned in the other post, we've got a few months worth of living expenses banked; but until I can get the shop in full swing, I'm going to be taking IT contracts, and possibly a full time position locally if I can find one worthwhile. I'm actively looking as of now.

Frankly, getting out of debt and then setting up the shop were both FAR more expensive than I thought they would be, totalling almost $80,000 altogether. After the IRS took its share of my severance,  I paid off our debt, and I paid for the shop; there is a lot less left over than I am happy with (I originally intended to have a full years worth of bills and expenses banked).

The fact is, until I can book between $5,000 and $7,000 a month in revenue, I'm not going to be able to do this full time.  In fact, I may never be able to drop IT consulting entirely; but I see the value in having the tools, and keeping up the skills, for these pursuits.

Every good gunsmith I know has a multimonth (or in some cases multi-year) backlog of work of course; but it took them years to get to that point. I expect it will take me some time to get to the point where I have as much gunsmithing and fabricating work as I can handle; if I ever get to that point. 

Over the next few years, I think it's going to be very valuable, to have the skills and tools to work locally, on things that need to be built and repaired locally.  I think having those skills, tools and equipment, will, long term; provide at least as much value as I could provide with the much higher revenue I would be generating in IT consulting.

Plus, it's just something I want to do.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to be doing a number of posts about setting up the shop, the tools, the costs, the services well be offering etc...

Oh and of course, I need to setup the web sites for Crispin Arms and Crispin Fabrication. Haven't done that yet. 

I'll also be doing tool reviews, and posts about building the shop fixtures, furniture, some of the projects I've done lately, and items I'm offering for sale.

Also, I'm going to get back to real gun blogging. I have a lot of content queued up and ready to go; with a bunch more partially written waiting for me to finish. I plan on having at least three major updates or substantive posts every week; and I'd like to get one out every day if I can.


So... why am I doing this, AND computer work, AND publishing?

The fact is, it's tough for a small business owner out there.

The only single one of these businesses that could (at least for now) provide enough revenue on it's own to be self sustaining, and to provide my family with the standard of living I want (at least without working more hours a week than I'm happy with) is the IT consulting; so that's what I've spent most of my time and effort on over the past 15 years.

Even under the best of circumstances, I don't think I could provide for my family with nothing but gunsmithing and gun sales revenue, or publishing revenue, or local computer systems building and repair; or even all of them combined.

It's just not viable at my scale.

To keep the lights on here, costs us about $4500 a month; between rent, utilities, bills, food, and gas. That's a net income requirement, just to pay the bills, of about $54,000 a year. That doesn't account for any savings, any vacations, any recreation etc... That's just paying the bills for the house and shop, two cars, and eating.

If we add in say, 20% on top of that to account for "extras" such as savings, retirement, emergencies, eating out occasionally etc... that's another $10,800 or about $65k a year total net, to maintain our standard of living.

In a normal salaried job, that means something like an $85k a year salary; which isn't exactly nothing, but I've been making far more than that working in IT for the past 15 years (at least 50% more than that most years, double that in some years).

 I'm just not going to be able to make that much, or anything near it; in the other businesses.

For the fabricating and gunsmithing; at an $85/hour shop rate, and $65 per hour bench rate (presume 1920 hours per year to account for sick time and vacations), if I presume I can maintain 50% billable hours in a year (a very big assumption) at 3/4 bench and 1/4 shop time, thats a gross of $67,200. Net... maybe half that after taxes and expenses.  I would have to maintain something between 1200 and 1400 billable hours a year to reach the income levels we need. I can ever get to that point, it will be years from now.

The same goes for publishing. If we were lucky, and managed to attract say, six reasonable selling books a year, and another six contract publishing jobs, we MIGHT manage to GROSS $60k a year. Net... half that or less (materials costs are much higher as a percentage than in gunsmithing).

I don't know if this is going to work. I know I can do it, but it's also a huge risk, and there may be no payoff... but I'm working at it as hard and as smart, as I know how; and I'm going to do my damndedst to make this a success.

Because I want to build things, and make things again; and because I want control of my own destiny.

I'm not mean, I just don't give a damn...

I admit it, I'm an odd guy. A lot of people dont understand my actions or motivations. A lot of people don't get me in general. A lot of people don't like me.

I'm okay with that; and I'm certainly used to it.

I was chatting online to someone, who was expressing their frustration about being a very intelligent person, trying to find someone who they could have a real relationship with.

He had recently spent a few weeks casually seeing someone who was as geeky as he was, but not quite as smart; and she told him that she found that he used his intelligence almost like a club, and that he could be intimidating, and push people away.

Oh boy... been there.

I've been told by many woman something like "I'm sorry, it's not like you do it on purpose, but I know I'm smart, and I just feel stupid around you" or "I try, but I just can't keep up with you", or some variant thereof.

I've had some people call me an intellectual bully, or say I use my intellect and knowledge like a weapon. I've had people call me cruel, or heartless, or arrogant, or mean (or frankly, a lot worse).

This isn't my intent, but I am a large and physically strong; and potentially intimidating guy (though I am conscious of this and generally actively try not to be). I'm very passionate. I am very confident, assertive, and can sometimes be agressive. Combine that with a big voice, big hand gestures...

I've got a very large presence, which can be imposing.

I can be the sweetest guy in the world. I am a genuinely good guy in many ways (not necessarily nice, but good). I'm funny. I can be a great listener. I really do empathize, and I'm good at dealing with emotion (a lot better than most guys I know). I genuinely like people, and love conversation, and debate, and argument. I actually LIKE criticism (when that criticism is thoughtful and informed). I'm incredibly affectionate, both emotionally and physically; and if I like you, there's no way you can miss it.

I give the world for my friends. When I call someone my friend I mean that I love them. That their happiness as a person is important to me. My friends love me too. And I don't keep score. There is no balance sheet. It's not a competition.

But, as I said, I'm not always a nice guy.

I don't go along to get along, and I don't believe in politely accepting that which I strongly disagree with.

If it's a matter of subjective judgement or opinion, I'll strongly present my views, and listen to yours; and I'll defend and argue mine as long as you want. Maybe you'll change my mind, maybe I'll change yours, and maybe we'll both learn something along the way...

And it's not a competition. Conversation is about ideas, and information, and argument, and personality. It's not about winning and losing.

When I'm wrong, I'm the first guy to admit it. I'm harder on myself than anyone else could be. I do everything I can to fix my mistakes, and to make sure they don't happen again. I REALLY hate being wrong, but I'm glad when someone points out I am, because I have to opportunity to fix it.

Thing is though, not everything is a matter of opinion. You can't always "agree to disagree". Truth is truth, facts are facts, and the real world doesn't give a damn if you don't like something, or something makes you feel bad. Reality is what it is. You can have your own opinion, but not your own facts; and if I know for a fact I'm right, I'm not going to back down just to make you feel better.

That is, unless I don't give a damn about you whatsoever, in which case I won't even bother. If I'm actually arguing with you, it's because I respect or value you enough to think you're worth the time and effort... Well... unless you've really pissed me off, or unless I'm just doing it to amuse myself.

I may be a good guy, but I'm not always a nice guy... and I am often an asshole.

Oh and I don't think my opinion is necessarily more valuable than yours... but if I know a hell of a lot more about a subject than you do, have a lot more knowledge and experience in it, have spent a lot more time thinking about it and analyzing it; and have listened to your opinion and found it flawed for whatever reason...

...I don't think my opinion on that subject is more valuable than yours, I know it is.

Like I said, I am often an asshole.

The other thing is... I don't play "like me' games; because frankly, unless I really like you personally and value your opinion... I don't give a damn what you think or feel about me.

I don't try to earn peoples good opinions; except in trying to make my actions the right ones as much as I can. I say what I want, when I want, and do what I want when I want; based on my own rules, and my own code.

I don't mean to make myself out as some punk rock rebel "he marches to his own drummer" or anything like that. I'm just saying that I do and say what I believe is right, without respect to what you may think (unless I think that giving respect to what you think, is the right thing to do of course).

I don't do things for attention... though I often do them for amusement.

That whole asshole thing again...

I don't do or say things to impress people, or make them like me; nor do I refrain from doing something or saying something to gain or preserve someones good opinion of me. I do them because it's who I am, or what I want or feel I need to do.

I'm secure in myself, and in general I don't desire or require validation or approval from others.

This doesn't mean I'm deliberately rude...at least most of the time. Most of the time I'm polite and respectful of others.

MOST of the time.

Sometimes, I get very passionate about something, or involved in something, and I run right over people. I don't mean to do it, and it's one of my biggest personal flaws; but I recognize it, and I try to control it, and apologize for it when I see it happening.

And god knows, I've never claimed to be perfect... hell, I don't even claim to be particularly "good", except at some specific things where I know for a fact I am an expert, and/or damn good at whatever it is.

I've tried being "other" ways. I can be other ways when necessary, or when I think it's appropriate, or the right thing to do, or when I think I'll be screwed if I'm not...

God knows, my life would be easier if I played the game more and better... IF I went along to get along. If I agreed to disagree...

When I want to, I can be a totally different person. I can be nice, subtle, suave, slick, agreeable... I can go along to get along.

But I don't like it. I prefer my way, so that's what I choose to do most of the time.

Faced with all this, some people are intimidated, or even feel assaulted. They feel I'm arrogant, or conceited.

And yeah, I can see why some people feel that way. Intent or not, actions or not, tone or not... yeah I can see it.

But I don't care.

At least not most of the time.

I'm not arrogant, I just really don't give a damn.

I have a very few, very close friends who I would kill or die for; and who put up with my bullshit (and I with theirs). I have a larger group of people who I really care about, and who I think care about me, and who I would do almost anything for within my power.

I'm very lucky in this. Frankly I count myself among the luckiest men alive because of it.

Everybody else... Sorry, just don't give a damn.


...But, back to the original conversation... about relationships, and in particular finding and keeping a good one going.

I've had a few really great relationships, a few really bad ones, and a lot of really short mostly sexual ones.

I was with my ex-wife for four years, but she spent a lot of that time in various states of mental illness, where I was the caregiver, so that doesn't really count. Other than that, and my current wife... nothing longer than 18 months, and mostly less than six.

Melody, my wife of almost 6 years, is the only woman who has ever been able to deal with me long term, who I've been able to deal with back; and sometimes it's hard for her.

Before me, my wife was used to being the smartest person in the room most of the time. She was used to thinking of herself as smarter than most of the people around her. She was used to being the best informed on any given subject etc...

Unfortunately, she went to a shitty highschool and dropped out of college after freshman year to marry an asshole in Canada (we both have ex spouses), and then mostly stopped reading anything other than fantasy novels.

I on the other hand self educated, went to a great highschool, went to a great college where I got three degrees in technical subjects, self educated some more, and have had now almost 15 years of professional education, training, and experience; plus I still read like a maniac (I've read -start to finish - 2 books, five or six magazines, several hundred web posts - from my rss feed -, about 200 corporate and personal emails, and a number of white papers and design documents; all in the last 24 hours).

As a result, her general education, reasoning and problem solving skills, study habits, knowledge of history and culture, and vocabulary are all generally poor in comparison to mine. She's got the brains, but not always the tools and knowledge to make her brain work efficiently and effectively if you understand what I'm saying?

Basically, even understanding me conversationally sometimes, is a continual challenge for her (and for almost everyone, once I delve beyond shallow smalltalk, or outside specific areas of their expertise). I don't talk over her or anything like that, it's just I have a breadth and depth of knowledge that is hard to keep up with. Anything I become interested in, I am driven to learn about to a great depth.

She's got an IQ of around 140 (several different tests ranging from 136 to 147), mine is somewhere around 180 (lots of different tests at various ages, 180 is about the mean). Lots of people have said more than 20 IQ points difference doesn't work, but we do.

Frankly, I've tried having relationships with plenty of less intelligent women, and it just doesn't work. Either I make them feel stupid, or they make me feel stupid for trying to be with them... It just gets frustrating, and boring, and irritating, having to slow down enough for them to understand what I'm talking about. Having to explain concepts over and over again. Having to wait for them to puzzle stuff out and come to their own understanding of it before I can go to the next thing.

Here's kind of an assholish thing that I'll use as an example, but it's also a neat party trick...

Frequently, after a few minutes of talking with someone, I can tell them exactly what they are thinking, and what the next thing, or even next few things, they were going to say would have been; sometimes even the exact words. It's not psychic, it's just that most peoples thoughts and word choices tend run in predicable patterns, so when you know what the stimulus you provide them means (whatever you're talking about), you can then often know what their reaction will be, and how they would express that verbally.

Basically, I'm already three or four steps further ahead in the conversation. I'm paying attention to them or I wouldn't be able to do it, but once I hear them start to say what I figured in my head they were going to say, I don't need time to process it. I've already processed it and moved on to the next thing.

Of course, sometimes people surprise me, in interesting ways; and that's when a REALLY good conversation happens. I love that.

But it illustrates what I'm talking about. Most people... I'm just three or four steps ahead of them all the time. I don't try to be, that's just the speed I operate.

My wife keeps up. Barely sometimes, but she keeps up most of the time; and when she doesn't she's either OK with it, or she works her ass off to learn what she needs to know to keep up; and I'm ok with explaining things to her until she gets it, or sending her down the path of self education so she can.

But I don't think any of this would be possible if it weren't for one big thing. She accepts that I'm smarter and better educated than she is, and is OK with it. It doesn't cause her an ego problem, it just makes her want to use her (not inconsiderable) brains more, and to educate herself more.

And god, among so many other things I love her for, I love her dearly for that.

Let's just say I've driven a lot of women who couldn't deal with that crazy.

And I know for a fact that it's far worse for very intelligent women, because men are generally far more competitive and have far greater ego sensitivity about their intelligence.

So, find someone who keeps up with you, who surprises you, who challenges you... or someone who doesn't care if they don't and loves you anyway, and who you love anyway... or both...

Otherwise, you're in for a lot of disappointment.