Father’s Day is tomorrow.

Before I say what I’m going to say, some music to set the stage:

Now that I’ve raised the vibration, happy father’s day to anyone out there who is a biological, adoptive, step, communal, or foster parent..that gets involved with the details. And when I say the details, I mean listening to the child or children talk about things that don’t concern you (with interest). By the details I mean attending those recitals, football games, dance performances, or simply reading the stories your child writes, then continuing in this spirit of giving a damn til they’re big, even old.

If you’re that kind of father, you are a gift to the earth, and this is not some airy-fairy sentiment. You are because your interest will have an effect on the course of their lives, in the deepest of ways.

So, I hope you have a wonderful father’s day today and many more after. Virtual Hugs.

Now on to  the portion of you who “hope” to raise children one day, doing so with a man.

The only ones worth dating are THE ONES WHO DON’T RUN FROM INVOLVEMENT. These are the only candidates you should be considering for relationship. Especially if you know you’d like to have children.

So, take the time to find out what his views are of his parents or guardians, past romantic relationships, SIBLINGS, and any long term job he’s held where he had to endure. And I am not saying you have to do the twenty questions thing, in fact it’s best if you span the conversation out. But you need to get in there and find out what his view of these people and experiences are, so that you can make an educated decision about pursuing one day further of attention on this him.

Then you need to find out his view of you, his vision for you with him (is this working up to a one time thing, on-call go times, girlfriend status, or a wifey role for you)? Once again, spread out these conversations. But you NEED to HAVE THEM, if you think you could FALL IN LOVE. DO NOT SKIP OVER THIS STUFF.

Your future, and some future man or woman’s (a baby all grown up) entire life will be affected by it.

So you will need to make some choices, and in order to make those choices you will need to know who is in front of you (that means no desperation to get a guy here).

Lastly, you will need to find out his vision of relationship in general. The how it will go. What if he has plans to move to China in five years?

So, ask then listen as he lays out his brilliant plan for a relationship. After, take it as his absolute truth.

No…. once he gets to know me, love will change his mind, or he hasn’t been this attracted before, or he doesn’t know what (something else) is like, he will change his mind when he does…. self pep talks. Listen and consider his vision as the goods you are buying into. Period. If it isn’t your thing, get out of the store. I don’t care how charismatic, good-looking, smart, or interested he seems. Don’t date him.

Even…if you MAKE A CONNECTION. Values are something people rarely hold lightly.

Now what does this have to do with father’s day?

Well, it’s no secret  that we tend to choose in partners, the parent we had the most difficulty with (hoping we get a different result). I had a present (meaning he was around) absentee dad (deeply uninterested in having a girl child).

So nearly every relationship was modeled after him subsconsciously.

So  Father’s Day… is not my day. I really don’t enjoy expressing the sentiments. I was the child who was endured by a dad who was elated to have boys. I’m a chick. Who was emotional, sentimental, emo, the works. Imagine that as a child and a dad who preferred the rough tough em doesn’t want to talk about anything male.

I was his nightmare. And he was my first heartbreak.

But he did his best, because my dad sincerely loves my mother. So out of respect for her he did give it a try, but his heart wasn’t in it. Still isn’t. So most times he’s a little annoyed to be talking to me, and stand-offish.  On the other hand, I had a very active, involved, concerned,  interested mother. So the empty hole in my heart would be doctored, for the time being.

But now, he’s left too many holes.

And my mom is older, tired, slower, she can’t be the consumate fixer.

And it’s okay. She’s put in her years.

But this is important to know. Your dismissive boyfriend, will become your dismissive husband, then a man who will dismiss some aspect of your children (or one of em’). And when they grow up, they will dismiss themselves, thinking they’re no big deal, because this is what they know. Is that what you want some little one to know?

No? Then go into dating with your head on, spine working, ready to make decisions.

Of course have fun, be turned on, connect (“What about connection?”)…. just don’t go to sleep.

Johann Wolfgang Goethe said,  “Choose well. Your Choice is brief, and yet endless.”

A great quote. By that he meant, the choices you make today will be built upon..expanded…carried on for a long time. So take the time to make the right one. And to do that, you’ve got to have your head on.

I didn’t for years. My underlying attitude was, who cares? I’m not the winner (in the family). I’m not some star, not the one who’s gonna have some great marriage, the bucks, success.

Course not. I was ‘beside-the-point’ kid to my dad, my little heart noticed. Then it grew into a big heart that tried to win approval outside. But you don’t want your daughter living my life. I love God. So I was protected through some real risk taking behaviors, questionable friendships, acts of defiance and such. But really, none of that needs to go down.

Little girls should have the commitment and care through life of their dads. Little boys too. So your choices are serious (if you plan on being a parent). Someone else’s life is at stake.

Cross any ‘too busy to call, come by, thinks your view is no big deal, never gives his word or keeps it’ dude….off the list.

And if you think I’m being too extreme, imagine you are the kid receiving the above behavior. Imagine you are 6. How does it feel? Imagine you’re 7, now 11.  Now imagine it’s been happening your whole entire life.

Ready to say happy father’s day?

Cross him off the list.