I think the hardest lesson to learn in life is that there really is a separate universe outside of our hopes, aims, cares, desires, thoughts, and efforts.

And even if we are pretty aware of others and the world, most of us lose that ability in moments. Especially, where it concerns what we care about – in our loved ones (i.e. our wishes for them, our visions for them, our dreams for them).

But there comes a time when our loved one is NOT all that WE WANT FOR THEM. Instead something outside of that.

And most of us fail our loved ones in this place, being more attached to our vision for them than to them.

My mom passed away on Saturday after battling a few illnesses.

And she had become disillusioned, depressed, then hopeful, and finally resigned. Tired of illness, tired of healing, tired.

She’d even randomly told my brother and I she was ‘tired’ (on separate occasions).

But I wanted my mom to live, I wanted her to recover, I wanted her life back for her and even better than before. I wanted all the things I knew would lift her spirits and give her joy. For her. Forever.

But, none of us lives forever. Do we?

However when you love a person, you hold the best vision of their situation possible. It’s reverence for them and a respect for gift of their life.

However… a poor regard for the opposite.

And she was beginning to regard… the opposite.

Though my brother and I struggled to pull her away from… that.

On my way to work today I thought: whatever you you’re looking for, is looking for you.  It’s a quote I read somewhere, and really liked cuz I think it’s true. For me it means…whatever you value is coming. And my mom did not want to fight anymore, she requested a few times to stop treatment, to be taken off the machines.

We encouraged her out of that thinking, but the wrong SNF and wrong doctor who would ultimately cause her death finally arrived.

So, in the end, all my brother and I hoped for and struggled to achieve for her, fell away.

And she got her rest.

Our aims silenced, because perhaps, she needed us to be.

*Song dedication*