First time editing with imovie in a number of yrs, and it was my first time using my iphone to shoot something. But I was itching to, so here we go…
“Awake” was written in December 2013 (the poem debuted on Word press).
Archive | March 2025
The Stop Right There Signal (Reblog)
Sunday Evening…
Sitting here in the quiet, recounting my weekend.
Grateful for what God has afforded me in my life.
I don’t have what many other women do, having cursed my life with the worst of bad choices young. But God is continually by my side, steadying my existence.
However, as a young woman I was a deep romantic. Possibly emotionally unstable in my drive to get and keep it, plenty delusional.
I never dreamed myself a wife, but I knew I would love, and subsequently fell for a few men. Full on admiration in tow, I’d chase them in the least intimidating manner I could muster, never feeling seen enough to inspire a man to.
And when they did, as Patti Steiner might advise, they wouldn’t be well advised (I had very little in common with nearly all). So the associations crashed and burned.
More recently, I struck up a sweet friendship which included some tender exchanges, shared creative works, attempts at affection… till I decided to make deeper affections known. I was turned down, which I tried to take in stride, but somehow our magic glue was lost.
We drifted, went silent for some years.
I did some inner work (shadow work), grew up a bit.
Then, shake ups in his neck of the woods, or an occasional dream about him would stir up his memory, and I’d reach out and say hello (considering myself a friend tho distant).
But the last time we connected, I also saw two people who had a sweet history, which was now over.
Energetically, we were wildly different people. And tho, I wanted to know how he was and who was now, he seemed more interested in an avenue to unload than in the person on the opposite end.
In weeks after connecting, I decided I would not contact him again. To do a final release with a prayer.
After that, he never entered my mind again. Till this weekend, in yet another dream. I encountered him at a newly acquired job, where he moved past me pretending not to see, then I moved past him pretending not to too. Playing out what felt like our dynamic in the days of my romantic aims.
After waking, I replayed the dream – trying to figure out why he reappeared in one.
He seemed intent on ignoring me and upset at my presence, and I was upset at his reaction. Then he seemed to want to attempt eye contact, which I saw out of the side of my eye, but ignored.
The whole thing was very teen angsty.
I hope he ceases showing up in my dreams, and that whatever needs to be put to rest there will be.
It’s no longer a suitable… anything…
The Outstay
There are some important times in life to release associations, agreements, and bonds.
Like an apple or lettuce in the refrigerator going bad, most people tend to keep them beyond their natural expiration date. Least, I do!
But you “know.” Just like those items in your fridge, we KNOW which associations are over, far before we call it.
In past years, I’ve really been frozen in my life, overwhelmed navigating possible home insecurity, dealing with extreme heart breaks, deaths. And you tend to “hold onto” the set ups in your life which represent your stability, sticking with what you know as indicators of your ‘established’ lifestyle.
However, as we progress through our healing or readjustment period, we can end up holding onto connections which no longer…. FIT.
And it’s probably not anyone’s fault because- you change. Sometimes the things you value, the way you see things (and people), even the very person that was there before (in you) shifts and may no longer even be THERE.
In the last few years, I began to emerge from my ‘hard times’ cloud, and noticed all kinds of things that I hadn’t noticed before. I had been putting up with things, existing in questionable ways and had steered my way through some of these links for a number of years…
So I’d snag on a desire to continue to make them work, not really wanting anything to change.
However through time, most of the links in question were lost, though remaining in existence, because I wasn’t ready to let them go. Probably not ready to release the part of myself I knew as the person with those links. But, like an old house that no longer fits your family, it becomes “time.” Time to pack up and say goodbye.
And I see that woman, who wanted friendship, a secure job, a romantic attachment so much that she stood through the questionable bits. Standing the test of time. I see her and I send love, but in some important places I don’t want to be her any longer. Her shoes crushing my feet.
Surviving Death…
In life, some of us have gone through life altering and harrowing experiences. Probably the most impactful of them being a brush with death. Either our own, or a loved one’s brush with it (whether they survive or not). It transforms the person you are, your values, how you experience life, what you do with it… if you let the experience in.
For some it molds their participation in life into something more present and profound, others surrender to the trauma (self-traumatizing). Imo.
Since I lost my mother, father, grandmother and brother (in a steady stream of deaths since 2016), I’ve struggled with how to be here. What to do with my life. Who I am now. What I want. What I value. Losing some important definitions which informed other definitions. Only now beginning to touch the form the changes are taking…
Having a place to voice your feelings is important for moments like this. A significant other, a friend, a therapist, a neighbor, even a fellow blogger … can witness the journey in, thru, around and out. Helpus locate and track ourselves, by holding space for this aspect of us.
I lack this reflection in my life.
I watched a play by play loss of life, taking the long road thru a few deaths now. The only abrupt unexpected one being that of my eldest brother (Butchy). The one which could have killed me, but didn’t. But I faded out a bit more. Like being pushed back into quick sand, just as you were making it out (out of breath). Your breath being a vision of life dreamed of over the course of a lifetime, you were living out.
My taste for it was losing relevancy, because the vision was now that of another…Tanyeno (before she lost her life…the people she loved).
Today I discovered these two…
Watching their story, was like having someone give you mouth to mouth.
Their story of survival, felt like mine got a little room.
I saw in them how life can continue to sparkle. My flattened reality, given breath – by watching THIS.
Like finding the reach-for-life band.
A sister and brother in surviving. Death. Theirs their own ordeal, mine that of family members.
Continue on if you’re one.
We are regenerators.
New lifers.
❤️
Archaic Sugar 
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