This morning in my gratitude Zoom, I latched onto the words “unfolding” and “consciousness.” Wrote out some thoughts. Enjoy…
Life is a gift, an entry way to breath
An entry way to touch taste and smell
An invitation to dance with the wild storm of layered happenings
So God may watch our moves
The music of sunlight has begun
Time to move onto the floor where each heart is granted another beat
Joining in the collective story of now
Sitting here in the quiet, recounting my weekend.
Grateful for what God has afforded me in my life.
I don’t have what many other women do, having cursed my life with the worst of bad choices young. But God is continually by my side, steadying my existence.
However, as a young woman I was a deep romantic. Possibly emotionally unstable in my drive to get and keep it, plenty delusional.
I never dreamed myself a wife, but I knew I would love, and subsequently fell for a few men. Full on admiration in tow, I’d chase them in the least intimidating manner I could muster, never feeling seen enough to inspire a man to.
And when they did, as Patti Steiner might advise, they wouldn’t be well advised (I had very little in common with nearly all). So the associations crashed and burned.
More recently, I struck up a sweet friendship which included some tender exchanges, shared creative works, attempts at affection… till I decided to make deeper affections known. I was turned down, which I tried to take in stride, but somehow our magic glue was lost.
We drifted, went silent for some years.
I did some inner work (shadow work), grew up a bit.
Then, shake ups in his neck of the woods, or an occasional dream about him would stir up his memory, and I’d reach out and say hello (considering myself a friend tho distant).
But the last time we connected, I also saw two people who had a sweet history, which was now over.
Energetically, we were wildly different people. And tho, I wanted to know how he was and who was now, he seemed more interested in an avenue to unload than in the person on the opposite end.
In weeks after connecting, I decided I would not contact him again. To do a final release with a prayer.
After that, he never entered my mind again. Till this weekend, in yet another dream. I encountered him at a newly acquired job, where he moved past me pretending not to see, then I moved past him pretending not to too. Playing out what felt like our dynamic in the days of my romantic aims.
After waking, I replayed the dream – trying to figure out why he reappeared in one.
He seemed intent on ignoring me and upset at my presence, and I was upset at his reaction. Then he seemed to want to attempt eye contact, which I saw out of the side of my eye, but ignored.
The whole thing was very teen angsty.
I hope he ceases showing up in my dreams, and that whatever needs to be put to rest there will be.
It’s no longer a suitable… anything…
What interpretation of God do you need? You are God’s language.
Interpretation
This post probably wins the internet, forever.*
People say alot of things in life, but in the end their actions and the perspective they choose to take on you becomes the most important thing between you. That either blooms or dissolves a connection.
My brother (affectionately known as Butchy) passed away on December 1st.
And our connection was blooming.
On November 12th, I woke up from a dream that left me with a profound feeling of love. Aftermath of a dream I’d had.
I lay there in bed, just enjoying the feeling and memory before it disappeared.
Then sat up and began searching the net, to see what the dream meant.
It was one part renewing, one part deeply disturbing. The dream chronicled in the picture posted here.
A few of the articles cautioned, ‘Someone close will die.’ Or warned, ‘You will lose someone’ or ‘Something big.’ Adding to a small alarm trying to go off in me.
I wrote the dream down because my brother had advised me to write down my dreams, then look them up, in one conversation we’d had.
He did. So I was doing it.
A little more than two weeks later, he passes.
Today I thought, it was God’s way of telling me. And I may have embraced it at the time, but in the end I chose to focus on the love which emanated from the dream, telling myself THAT is how I want to feel in life.
Well. May the Lord Jesus Christ protect and keep you Butchy.
Thank-you for being my brother, friend, protector, and connection to life.
Rest in power and God’s love.
Till we meet again…
My life has changed. I lost my father in February. My mother 3 years ago, her mom last year.
I still live in the same place, have the same job, the same so-called “best friends,” a particular style as a writer-director.
And yet, none of this fits in quite the same way.
I’ve been trying to have the life I had, be the Tanyeno I was, live by the markers I placed. And yet, it’s suddenly not going so well. I’ve become annoyed at what I’ve built, completely disinterested in it, or disturbed at the half-bakedness of it all. My entire life looks like an unfinished project or like shoes I’ve outgrown I’ve been forcing myself to wear. And I wanna trash them.
That might sound unrealistic. Maybe kinda crazy, so I ignore it, other days I make plans.
One day though, on Twitter, this appeared on my feed:
That, in the middle of my feed. That.
I need a relationship with God Almighty, and Jesus Christ. I will lose some with this, because it’s ultra unpopular to say given the misguided Christians who are nothing like “their Christ.” But I want to know the Christ-God, and walk the talk.
Directing which was kind of a second fiddle-step-brother to writing, has now become more like a calling. Less like inspiration more like contact with my soul. That feels good.
So, this. Definitely.
Can you guess what draws my attention here? Love to give this a shot.
No idea.
These are my parents (best friends and married for 56 years before death did them part with hers).
I’d like to honor them with my choices.
All…
Original post: sacredtouches.com
Funny how staring their death in the face
Gets inside you.
Suddenly chit chat is your wasting time.
Emotion going in circles
Not worth it.
You want to love anew, be loved as new.
See old things with new eyes.
Grow up in an instant.
Aging past your age
You join them in theirs.
And life appears brittle and fleeting.
A brush with mortality puts you to sleep.
Unable to recognize the person that’s left.
You’re not sure what to think or feel or be.
The value for each even snatched away.
You feel like the night posing as day.
And there is nothing else to say.
A friend texted this to me today, really a wonderful and encouraging reminder.
I’m the problem child, for interested suitors.
Harlem Week really was wonderful (weekend long festival). And the men out, were in a great mood! I got three marriage proposals in one day, going and coming from it. Was it my dress? Damn. I need to remember where the hell I bought it.
Anyway I was flattered, to say the least…and I want a family. But I’m not in a rush to do anything, which confuses the hell out of men who begin this line of questioning.
What?!? A black woman in New York not in a rush?!! What?!?
Yeah. Learned a thing or two from my previous husband (not really we just called one other husband and wifey).
#1 Looks, Money, Edge, Physical abilities, Smooth Talking, Charm, is fuel that burns out when you exit the honeymoon stage. Character, thick skin, knowledge about life is EVERYTHING. It’s EVERYTHING. But I need time to decipher this in a person.
Otherwise it’s a journey to hell, once we’re out of La La Land.
#2 The ones with vision deserve consideration, especially if they’re actively going after it. Men drive toward their dreams. No drive, no vision, no vision, small mind toward life. Small mind toward life equals boring and a bore in er…other areas.
So when I ask what’s their dream, it’s nice to hear something like, to travel, coach struggling youth, or buy their own house. Even raise their son well or something.
#3 Must ask questions about past dating, relationships, loves. Turn corners, create scenarios. See how they answer. See what those views of women are, what space they expect us to fill, how they interact with us. Men with female cousins, sisters, or daughters they’re close to get starter points.
Moms they’re close to? Tricky one.
#4 Try to shake him. Throw him in the deep with the sharks early on, see how he fares (aka take him some where… where alot of attractive women will be).
Leave him alone, introduce him, move off, watch. The sly flirt is gonna show his a– and the blatant one is gonna act an a–, and the repressed one won’t be able to focus. If he fails at this, friend material.
Gotta get the one who has sobered up on the “Looks are God,” stage. They exist, but they’re not common.
I ain’t lookin’ for ‘common.’
#5 Treat em,’ beyond well, even if it’s not a spark. Keep your manners on high. Men have taught me about men in ways women could never.’ So another male friend is gold to a chest of them.
#6 Upsetting situations are a gift. What he does in rocky territory tells the type of man you have. So watch him closely when his shit or yours hits the fan. And judge, yeah judge, if he’s an endurer. But watch LUST, it’s gonna try and con your judgement.
#7 If he thinks God or spirituality is stupid, sayonara. One day you’re gonna meet a situation that has no natural answer. He thinks praying is stupid? SKIP.
I don’t even need him to be in church, but for me, no belief in a higher power at all (?) means he’s relying on himself. With these fragile bodies, incomes, cities, countries?
#8 The ones who speak to you in a barrage of compliments, and innuendos. I love to flirt, but it doesn’t mean much in the form of an avalanche. It takes up the bonding time, and exhausts you. A well placed compliment and secret innuendos are sexy. A whole conversation of them, time after time, displays lack of social skill.
This probably makes me seem like a bitch.
I’m not. But someone who can hold a conversation is needed for the trip.
#9 X men out who try to hide you from family and friends. Someone who courts you but doesn’t want to go anywhere with you, is scared of something or ashamed of it. But those who introduce you to the clan uncomfortably early are also a no-no. These people are looking for someone, anyone, to fill a slot.
Once you hiccup, they’ll be introducing the next girl. Brittle dude.
Anyway, all this stuff takes some time to wrap your head around, and there is more to watch. But my goodness, I’m like torture crush for the shallow and weak. Oh well, the one who makes it through will probably be some kinda prize (if he isn’t vaporized).
Archaic Sugar 
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