This morning in my gratitude Zoom, I latched onto the words “unfolding” and “consciousness.” Wrote out some thoughts. Enjoy…
Life is a gift, an entry way to breath
An entry way to touch taste and smell
An invitation to dance with the wild storm of layered happenings
So God may watch our moves
The music of sunlight has begun
Time to move onto the floor where each heart is granted another beat
Joining in the collective story of now
Sitting here in the quiet, recounting my weekend.
Grateful for what God has afforded me in my life.
I don’t have what many other women do, having cursed my life with the worst of bad choices young. But God is continually by my side, steadying my existence.
However, as a young woman I was a deep romantic. Possibly emotionally unstable in my drive to get and keep it, plenty delusional.
I never dreamed myself a wife, but I knew I would love, and subsequently fell for a few men. Full on admiration in tow, I’d chase them in the least intimidating manner I could muster, never feeling seen enough to inspire a man to.
And when they did, as Patti Steiner might advise, they wouldn’t be well advised (I had very little in common with nearly all). So the associations crashed and burned.
More recently, I struck up a sweet friendship which included some tender exchanges, shared creative works, attempts at affection… till I decided to make deeper affections known. I was turned down, which I tried to take in stride, but somehow our magic glue was lost.
We drifted, went silent for some years.
I did some inner work (shadow work), grew up a bit.
Then, shake ups in his neck of the woods, or an occasional dream about him would stir up his memory, and I’d reach out and say hello (considering myself a friend tho distant).
But the last time we connected, I also saw two people who had a sweet history, which was now over.
Energetically, we were wildly different people. And tho, I wanted to know how he was and who was now, he seemed more interested in an avenue to unload than in the person on the opposite end.
In weeks after connecting, I decided I would not contact him again. To do a final release with a prayer.
After that, he never entered my mind again. Till this weekend, in yet another dream. I encountered him at a newly acquired job, where he moved past me pretending not to see, then I moved past him pretending not to too. Playing out what felt like our dynamic in the days of my romantic aims.
After waking, I replayed the dream – trying to figure out why he reappeared in one.
He seemed intent on ignoring me and upset at my presence, and I was upset at his reaction. Then he seemed to want to attempt eye contact, which I saw out of the side of my eye, but ignored.
The whole thing was very teen angsty.
I hope he ceases showing up in my dreams, and that whatever needs to be put to rest there will be.
It’s no longer a suitable… anything…
There are some important times in life to release associations, agreements, and bonds.
Like an apple or lettuce in the refrigerator going bad, most people tend to keep them beyond their natural expiration date. Least, I do!
But you “know.” Just like those items in your fridge, we KNOW which associations are over, far before we call it.
In past years, I’ve really been frozen in my life, overwhelmed navigating possible home insecurity, dealing with extreme heart breaks, deaths. And you tend to “hold onto” the set ups in your life which represent your stability, sticking with what you know as indicators of your ‘established’ lifestyle.
However, as we progress through our healing or readjustment period, we can end up holding onto connections which no longer…. FIT.
And it’s probably not anyone’s fault because- you change. Sometimes the things you value, the way you see things (and people), even the very person that was there before (in you) shifts and may no longer even be THERE.
In the last few years, I began to emerge from my ‘hard times’ cloud, and noticed all kinds of things that I hadn’t noticed before. I had been putting up with things, existing in questionable ways and had steered my way through some of these links for a number of years…
So I’d snag on a desire to continue to make them work, not really wanting anything to change.
However through time, most of the links in question were lost, though remaining in existence, because I wasn’t ready to let them go. Probably not ready to release the part of myself I knew as the person with those links. But, like an old house that no longer fits your family, it becomes “time.” Time to pack up and say goodbye.
And I see that woman, who wanted friendship, a secure job, a romantic attachment so much that she stood through the questionable bits. Standing the test of time. I see her and I send love, but in some important places I don’t want to be her any longer. Her shoes crushing my feet.
I don’t believe in happy accidents (in life, tho I love them in art). I think the lessons each of us need to absorb find us from every direction.
As I was procrastinating (I surf Youtube), I found this mirror in the form of a video.
I’ll be watching it often, for the buried wisdom deep into the watch. If you like a motivational rattle from time to time, check it out.
And, wait for it…
Archaic Sugar 
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