As a black woman in America, I find dating cringe worthy these days.

I, along with others who have kept some romanticism towards dating, rather like romantic gestures from suitors and aren’t adverse to delivering them.

I mean, part of the fun of this mating game is encouraging the person you have your eye on, to want to do this dance of life with you. You offer a promise to the heart when courting them, something they can’t resist.

“People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.” Isn’t that the quote?

People need something through the storms and controversial elements that come up. It’s a reason to hang in there, to get through rough patches. And it makes all the risk and discomfort which happens through the process of merging, fun. There is a reward right next to the trouble. Or you’ve had some recently….to remember.

So, why would someone leave this out when courting a woman???

Well, since I am specifically a black woman….I want to factor in on that particular experience.

STIGMA.

The following is my opinion,  may be a bit conjecture,  but I prefer to think this is insight gathered from observing.

Well, the representation black women in the media involves us being abused, being wild hell cats who are seeking a good time only, having affairs with married men, being single while chasing men we can’t ‘have,’ or simply having whacky-bizarre relationships (no one would put up with). And I am not saying this stuff does not happen, but more often than not, we see this on screen, instead of a woman being courted, getting married, having a romance. There is veeeeery little navigation of issues to maintain or grow love. In fact if it weren’t for reality shows capturing that as a part of some celebrities’ lives, it would never make it to the screen.

But in my opinion, this is the single most important thing, after God….to any woman (whether black, white, or brown).

However, American media (beyond BET/ONE), would have you think (actually sometimes even BET/ONE) we are always about the former.

Our archetypes are always the caretaker who doesn’t really get the guy, but who is beyond it…or the one who gets the guy who is ridiculously crappy and dragging her through it all.

In my life I have brothers and cousins who are married, or have been to the love of their lives. They are in very long term happy relationships (or have had one close to or over 10 years). My best friend has been married forever. All black folks. So, where are these images or the beginnings of these stories in media??

Well, I think America’s television and film writers, also advertisement scribes have a view of black women they push. Doesn’t matter it’s not the total reality. It’s the one they ‘like.’ Then from there, everyone is a little influenced by it. So all in all, this has an effect on how men think about the black female.

The problem here is – if they have this ‘will put up with anything/everything/take you however you come,’ view of us,  how will they treat us?

Well, often, we ARE treated like we can handle anything from get go. So from get go, we are handed anything. There is little ‘winning-the-woman,’ that goes on, if at all. We are to be grateful for their interest  and it’s taken as a given that we will be interested. But this does not involve looking at the person in front of them, and this means most times I don’t get seen. My archetype/stereotype is what gets seen and dealt with, not me so much.

Now I say this because I’ve had a few guys ask me to be their actual girlfriend lately. Guys who I really liked in the beginning (aka was hot for). Who I wanted to be asked out by. But their lack of ceremony around asking me to be  girlfriend was shocking. It was profoundly dry. On a larger level, I find this disturbing. Disturbing because it says to me, they didn’t think they had to do even the minimum to get a yes. There was no expression of romantic feeling (not even a clunky try at it which I love), no taking me to dinner, no dates, just talks on the phone then a text or quick conversation asking me to be that significant other. My reaction each time…this guy has to be kidding. I dunno, maybe this is what it is, these days.

Absolute no effort was made to make me feel special in the process. I as a woman put alot of effort into making the man I like feel so, cause he is. So why would I settle for someone being so blase’ about me? Not lifting a finger to inject our interaction with any level of romance? There was no tease of the meal to come and no side dish. Just meat, cooked rare.

I mean, I’m good having them as friends. We make great friends – there is no incentive toward a relationship. And if they simply want to bed me, just say so, I’m too old for the lies. And I generally know when that’s the aim. Also a relationship is more than conversation about the days’ happenings…

So I declined.

But, I’m going over why these men thought it was okay to approach me in such a dry manner (I haven’t seriously dated anyone in a while). I like seeing men pull out all the stops and goodness knows I have. My conclusion so far? People treat you, how they see you. So how they see me is ‘not worth much effort?’

I always say, I like to date men who are a little more old school. Men who maintain some of the courtship rituals, as something they enjoy too. But I also know, most of these men are referencing a different era of media (music, movies, radio, magazine references) or flat out aren’t from this culture (so the references are different). I mean, I look for these things…normally. But lately I had been expanding this leaning.

Unfortunately, your regular culturally savvy/computer literate American male has….. everything….. at his fingertips. So he obviously needs a mega ton of stimulation to exert any energy on a woman. But why would they? We’re everywhere and at their finger tips. Add to the fact that romancing a woman with my cultural references, have nearly disappeared.

Now pour in the stigma I have on my head, which says I’ll take it any way they deliver it…. and these guys will stand on the sidelines waiting for me to happen. Since I “require,” nothing…