Monthly Archives: January 2024

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Mean And Greedy Atheists

From a Q & A session following one of Christopher Hitchens’ lectures

Why do you want to take away something that provides comfort and support to 95% of the population, and replace it with something that provides comfort to only 5% of the population??

Well…. What an incredibly stupid question.
First, I have said repeatedly, this stuff cannot be taken away from people.  It is their favorite toy, and it will remain so for as long as we’re afraid of death.  Second, I hope I made it clear, that I’m perfectly happy for people to have these toys, and to play with them at home, and hug them to themselves, and to share them with others who come around.

That’s absolutely fine.  They are not to make me play with these toys.  I will not play with the toys.  Don’t bring the toys to my house.  Don’t say that my children must play with these toys.  I’m not allowing their toys.  I’m not having any of that.  Enough with clerical and religious bullying!  Is that finally clear??!  Have I got that across?

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Made In Heaven Humor

The wife whined, “How can you talk to me like that?  I’ve given you the best years of my life.”
I said, “Yeah?  And who made them the best years??”

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At an international conference, a survey was distributed, asking delegates what their thoughts were on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world.  The African delegates didn’t understand ’food.’  The Canadian delegates didn’t understand ‘scarcity,’ and the American delegates didn’t understand ‘the rest of the world.’

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Why are the pyramids in Egypt??
Because they were too heavy for the English to ship home.

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New-Age Terminology

A Father is a banker provided by nature.
A boss is a guy who’s always early when you’re late, and always late when you are early.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor is news that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary is the only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College is a place where some pursue learning, and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy is a feeling you are going to feel when you feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office is a place to go to relax from your hectic home life.
A yawn is the only time some married men get to open their mouth.
Etc. is a sign to make others think that you know more than you do.
Committee – Individuals who can do nothing, who sit as a group to decide that nothing can be done collectively
Classic is a book that everyone praises, but nobody reads.
Marriage is an agreement where a man loses his Bachelor Degree, and a woman gains her Masters.
Worry is interest paid on trouble, before it falls due.
Experience is the name that men give to their mistakes.
Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom bomb –an invention to end all inventions
Philosopher is a fool who torments himself during his life so that he will be spoken well of, after he’s dead.
Optimist is a person who starts taking a bath if he accidently falls into a river.
A pessimist is a person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, rather than the first letter of OPPORTUNITY.
Miser is a person who lives poor, so that he can die rich.
A criminal is a guy no different from the rest…. except he got caught.
Politician – one who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after
A doctor is a person who kills your ills with pills, but kills you with his bills.
(Only, not in social-medicine Canada)
Swiped-Out is a debit or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from frequent usage.  (And it only happens when you have only 23¢ in your pocket)
Starter is a first marriage which ends in divorce.  A marriage with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Mouse potato – The online, wired generation’s answer to couch potato.  ARE YOU ONE??

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Mastering Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 had a guest fib master, as our questions were supplied by Melissa Lemay. Thanks Melissa! You can check her blog out here.

What do you think these mean/are?

  1. Biscotza
    You dirty, rotten skunk!! You never told me about these delectable, delicious Amish treats – tasty, crispy biscuits – from the French, bis (two, or twice), and cuit (cooked). You are forgiven, because, while they are a boon to my tongue, they are a bane to my waist.
  2.  Blabbermaul
    There’s a difference between tact and truth.  You can say nothing and be thought a fool, or you can open your mouth and remove all doubt.  While out in public, there is no reason to make any of our business, any of their business.  Silence is golden.  Please reconnect the brake lines on your tongue.


3.  Brutz – are a couple of bottles of a particularly obnoxious men’s cologne.

4.  Buss – is the short yellow vehicle that only a small percentage of American students used to ride to their special, collegiate schools in.  Now, the special students are the ones with three digit IQs.
Don’t confuse my son by telling him you flew to Australia for your vacation.  Australia is an island!  You can’t fly there!   😮
Brought to you by TRUMP: 24

5.  Doplich – is when an Amish girl is given cunnilingus.

6.  Schnickelfritz – is a Germanic Dennis the Menace who is part of the unholy trinity of excessive alcohol intake mascots at our local Oktoberfest.  His father is Bavarian beer-barreled Onkel Hans.  His mother is schnapps-soaked Tante Friedl, and his pet is the Distelfink, (thistle finch) which is only visible at the bottom of an empty beer keg

7.  Strubbly – is how the first stein of foamy Bavarian beer looks.  So many German men have large, bushy moustaches, because it acts as a fertilizer.

8.  Glickleck – I am happy that it’s fortunate I know this is a hardy species of lizard that inhabits southern Germany and Austria.  It survives by eating beer bugs.  Most of them are overweight.

9.  Grex – is a new breakfast cereal.  It’s made by a Greek company, so you open the bottom of the box.

10. Schnitz

Schnitz are quiet little fits of rage, thrown by teenage Amish girls, when they are told that they can’t attend the barn dance – and definitely not without their snood.   😕

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’23 A To Z Challenge – V

TECHNOLOGICAL OBSOLESCENCE

It’s a term to describe systems or ways of doing something that have changed significantly within living memory.

For centuries – millennia – change and progress inched forward.  Then, about 150 years ago, knowledge reached a critical mass, and technology soared.  Things like the telephone and the gramophone made it possible to store and conduct sound.  The telephone was electrical, while the gramophone started out as strictly mechanical.

A crank wound up a spring which ran a clockwork motor.  A needle at the end of an arm ran in a rotating, serrated groove.  The first examples were actually cylindrical.  Only later did flat discs become standard.  The sound was conducted up the arm, into a horn and out, to be heard by avid listeners.  Like some YouTube shorts, the sound level varied.  Some ‘records’ had deeper grooves, and the sound level could blast a small room.  Pieces of cloth were sometimes stuffed into the horn as a damper – a mute.  This is where the phrase, “Put a sock in it!” originated.  The best, and the best-known, brand of gramophone was the

VICTROLA

The Victor Talking Machine Company was an American recording company and phonograph manufacturer, incorporated in 1901. The company operated independently until it was purchased by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA) in 1929 and subsequently operated as the RCA Victor Division of the Radio Corporation of America.

Sound reproduction has gone from mechanical, to electric, to electronic, to digital.  We have come so far.  I wonder how much, and how soon, the future will change and improve it – neural??  We already have Smart Glasses, which transmit sound from the arms, into the bones near your ears.

Veni, Vidi, Victrola

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Reasons To Live In Canada

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

  1. Vancouver: 2.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
  2. Your $1.400,000.00 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
  3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
  4. There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
  5. “Weed”.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

  1. Big rock between you and B.C.
  2. Ottawa who?
  3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
  4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
  5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

  1. You never run out of wheat.
  2. Your province is really easy to draw.
  3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
  4. People will assume you live on a farm.
  5. Daylight saving time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

  1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
  2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
  3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
  4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
  5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

  1. You live in the center of the universe.
  2. Your $800,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
  3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
  4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

Ahhhh….Give me a minute here to think…….Gosh, this is hard…….OK, here are some:

  1. Racism is socially acceptable.
  2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
  3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada …
  4. You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo A*#!%!”?

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

  1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
  2. You’re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
  3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick …
  4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

  1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can’t, think they can.
  2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
  3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

  1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big new bridge.
  2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
  3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
  4. Everyone has been an extra on “Road to Avonlea.”
  5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..
  6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

  1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
  2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
  3. The workday is about two hours long.
  4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

 😳

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Following Fibbing Friday


 

Here follows a list of words from Pensitivity101 that you may or may not know. How would you define or describe them?

 

1. Meldrop
Meldrop is Canada’s 1 company producing maple syrup, located in Quebec. While many of us Anglophones have lost our manufacturing jobs, our pet Frogs still wander around in the woods, stabbing trees, and drinking their blood.

2. Snirl
Snirl is what my watch-dog does when he has a head cold.

3. Kiffle
My dog goes ‘round and ‘round in circles before she lies down.  She’s a watch-dog, winding herself up.  Kiffle is the small, hard bits of dog food that she deigns to eat – when she’s not cutely begging for table scraps, or treats.

4. Fox’s Cough
Who do you think my dog caught her cold from?

5. Sternutament
There’s the Old Testament, and the New Testament…. and then there’s the praise book that my Fire and Brimstone, fundamentalist Baptist preacher uses.  Even God says, “Dude, chill!”

6. Awvish
Means kinda, sorta impressive – but not really.

7. Presenteeism
This is a type of behavior favoured by some politicians.  Rather than stay in his office, near the phone and computer, dealing with ongoing business for the good of his electors, he’s attending every photo opportunity for visibility, re-election, and the advancement of his career.

If the wife or I don’t kill the other before we reach 60 years of marriage – he’ll be here, smiling into the cameras, to present us with a gilt-edged certificate of congratulation.  If the city changes the contract for dustbin collector – he’ll be present at the landfill to present the new company’s Operations Manager with a signed copy of the contract.  If Works crews refurbish the washrooms in the downtown park – he’ll be there to present the Parks Commissioner with a gold key to the new loo.  Be thankful for the new LED camera flash units.  Thousands of flash bulbs died to make him what he is.

8. Headwarch

This is a timepiece favoured by nurses.  It pins to the left lapel, and hangs upside down from a strap or ribbon.  An amply-endowed nurse need only nod her head forward to see the time.  Less full-figured females need to tip it up with one hand.

9. Kink-Haust
Kink-Haust is a very popular BDSM club, here in what used to be named Berlin, Ontario.  I never joined, because I don’t want to be tied in with them.

10. Alysm
Alsym is a fictitious company which exists solely to be a Fibbing Friday prompt for Pensitivity.  Its imaginary prospectus says that it is Wayne Industry’s largest competitor, and manufactures MacGuffins.

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What Does This Say About You – II

Another assault on the English language, proving that some people talk a good game, but can’t write it down fer shit.

Pros

This made Warner Bros. very weary of its prospects – I’d be wary about using weary.

She had several nervous ticks – but they knew how to spell tics.

After given it all up – but he wasn’t giving up poor spelling.

When you grab your first prise – I prize correct spelling.

Throw off the wheel breaks, and let it fly – I hate to break it to you, but they’re brakes.

Around twice the volume of Lake Eerie – Now, that’s scary!

He graves the cover of Celebrity Scarves – By the grace of ??!, I hope I don’t.

This gave children had access – to too many words.

His name was never been established – Live by the word, die by the word.

Before he was Marchty McFly in ‘Back to the Future’ – he spelled it Marty.

Helen Mirren treaded the boards – In my dictionary, she trod them

Name Genellan means truley, wisedom, attractive speecher – truly, an attractive speaker with wisdom would spell better.

Amateurs

The driver was sighted by police – looking up the meaning of cited.

Out of no wear, and unprovoked – He probably got break-checked.

There was a girl who’s name was Ada – but whose textbook disagreed.

Most of the mails in the family are overweight – and have been, for a long wrong spell.

Watch her poor it into the cup – It’s a cupful of poor spelling

Horses lay down.  Don’t call 911 – That sign is wrong.  No lie.

Imagen being placed in a suit – Just imagine if you spelled it correctly.

I was going to be solved like a rubix cube – you spelled Erno Rubik’s name wrong.

Did you spot the head not? – I did nod spot it.

I was in otter shock – I bet the otter was shocked, too.

He just couldn’t phantom the idea – It was too deep for him – an entire fathom.

She was upsest with Bon Jovi – not angry – while I was obsessed with that misspelling.

He banged his head, and got a Caucasian. – Rats!  I only got a concussion.

I saw the meatier shower last night – It was perverted.

Make the right decition – I decided to spell it decision.

She wore her sexy linguini – Ooh, edible undies, how kinky.

She ordered chilled Gestapo soup. –  I hope not in a Jewish neighborhood.

Blow something into a Bolivian – Oblivion!  The word you want is oblivion.

😮

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Problems With One-Liners

Don’t be part of the problem….
….Be the entire problem.

These weekends are starting to feel….
….like a half-hour lunch break.

I just put an electric fence around my garden….
….The neighbors are dead against it.

I managed to weigh a rainbow….
….but it was pretty light.

Principal: Your son is always causing trouble at school….
….Me:  He’s also always causing trouble at home.  Do I call you?

I like people the way I like my tea….
….in a bag, and underwater.

You’re autistic?  Does that mean you take everything literally?….
….Nah, that’s kleptomaniacs.

My son is now at the age where he’s curious about the human body….
….I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else.

My housemates are convinced that the house is haunted….
….I’ve lived here 274 years and never noticed anything strange.

My yoga instructor was drunk today….
….She put me in an awkward position.

I’ve had complaints that all my jokes are in English, so here’s one in Spanish….
….Uno.

I went to the corner store….
….bought four corners

I heard the funniest time travel joke….
….tomorrow.

“Welcome back everybody!” is not the best way to start a speech….
….if you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

The worst part of drug addiction….
….is ending up religious.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers….
….and says, “Five beers please.”

Can you describe Napoleon’s origin?….
….’Course I can.

I was asked to play the part of Brutus, in the play Julius Caesar….
….I said I’d take a stab at it.

My wife wanted to go on a vacation, but I wanted a staycation….
….so we compromised and had an altercation.

The difference between an onion, and a bagpipe????
….No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I came third in a star naming competition recently….
….I got a constellation prize.

The leading cause of injury in old men….
….is thinking they’re still young men

I was very impressed with the Optician….
….I saw today.

I asked my surgeon if he minded if I administered my own anesthetic….
….He said, “Sure!  Knock yourself out.”

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Fibbing Friday In The News

Last week Pensitivity101 had her pensioner’s newsletter to thank for these questions.
What would you say these mean?

Scurryfunge – was the rush to get into these newfangled NFTs, “valuable” digital assets whose worth existed only in your imagination the electronic universe.  Only the scammers who started this fad ever made any money.  It’s the modern, digital equivalent of the old, Watkins Products, Fuller Brush, Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Tupperware pyramid schemes.

Dutch Feast – is an all-you-can-imbibe, promotional buffet, at any of the now-legal cannabis dispensaries.
Iktsuarpok – is a new medication that helps cure sex daily dyslexia.

Rakefire – was Mrs. Doubtfire’s cross-dressing husband.

Hufflebuffs – are nudist joggers.

Quafftide – is “Beer O’clock” on a fisherman’s boat.  Just as golf is a good, healthy walk, spoiled by having to chase and find a damned little ball, so too is fishing often spoiled by having to drop a hook into the water.

Kalopsia – is an inner-ear balance problem that renders a person incapable of staying on a horse.

Cover Slut – is any promotional piece – I refuse to regard them as news – about people like any of the Kardashians, or especially the serial monogamist, Taylor Swift.  18 guys she previously had sex with, and she makes money by singing about them.  We know what you are.  We’re just negotiating a price.  It’s a price I wouldn’t want to pay.

Toecover

I wore out the last pair, shuffling back and forth to the WC at night, so the daughter hand-spun me some wool, mohair and alpaca TARDIS yarn, and the wife knitted me another pair of keep the old codger’s feet warm so that he can sleep socks, for Christmas.

Wonderclout – is what my aunt had to do to her husband when he wanted to try to graze on the greener grass on the other side of the fence.  I don’t know if he was just too dumb to learn from experience, or if the first application sorta jarred him loose.  His ears looked like he’d gone 12 rounds with Mohammed Ali.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – U

Tom Jones said, It’s Not Unusual

and he was right.  The word for this week is not ‘Unusual.’  It’s not even really unusual.  It’s just a little archaic.  Fresh off a Christmas and New Year’s feast soaked in turkey fat, I give you the word

UNCTUOUS

  1. characterized by excessive piousness or moralistic fervor, especially in an affected manner; excessively smooth, suave, or smug.
  2. of the nature of or characteristic of an unguent or ointment; oily; slippery or greasy
  3. affecting an oily charm

“How like a fawning publican he looks.”  A publican being an innkeeper or pub (public house) owner – a distinction without much of a difference – a businessman who had to wrangle an establishment full of drunken customers for his income, without driving them away.  A little butt-kissing seldom went astray.  The difference between a brown-noser and a shithead – is just depth perception.

Publicans were not the only ones to perfect this art.  Many politicians, Christian Apologists, religious leaders, salesmen – con-men, again, not much difference.  Recently, that began to change.  Oh, there are still lots who seem to have graduated from Shell Oil U, or Wesson College, but more and more are becoming outspoken, rude, and aggressive, turning to bombast and vitriol.  The servile have become volatile.

Whether in politics, or religion, he who shouts the loudest, and hurls the nastiest insult, carries the debate.  These guys…. actually, the women are getting to be just as bad – I’m looking at you, Lauren Boebert – are as polarized as the plugs on my lamp cords.  There is no give, although many are still busy taking.  Donald Trump is not the cause of the American social and political decline.  He is merely a symptom.  In the United States, citizens have the right to remain silent, but far too few have the ability.  Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.  😮