Monthly Archives: July 2024

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Personal Preference Prayer

Jesus is coming!  Look busy – but not stupid.

She said:

Some signs of Jesus return are familiar (earthquakes, wars, famines, rumors of wars, persecution, etc.), others, not so much. Over the course of the next few weeks I will discuss some of the lesser known signs of end time events. The first is found in Matthew twenty-four, a long discourse on the end of the age. It says;  

I responded:  There are 55 earthquakes each day, there have been wars, and rumors of wars, every day for the last 2000 years. There has not been a day without famine, or the persecution of someone or some group, it’s just life, and the World, as usual…. still no sign of Christ returning.

After deep and careful thought, she sent back, 2nd Peter 3:3-9

What a wonderful answer!  What a marvelous riposte!  I am truly impressed. (Insert sarcasm here!) Instead of going to First Peter 3:15, where it says that you are responsible for providing proof for what you believe, you give another passage which makes it seem as if  I am somehow responsible to accept your personal delusions.

Having been shown that all the mystical signs and omens that you listed are constant and continuous, do you have any actual evidence that the imminent return of Christ is any more likely today, than it was last week – last month – last year – last century – last millennium??

Another End-Timer called the Atheist Experience program to claim that The Rapture was right around the corner, because of COVID19.  Never before, in the history of Man, have we had such a world-wide disease which killed so many people.  Apparently, his fire-and-brimstone preacher didn’t tell him about the 1916 Spanish Flu (Which, by the way, began in Oklahoma – but we can’t blame America.) which killed more people around the world than did World War I.  Or the Black Plague, in the mid-14th century, which killed a third to a half of Europe.

These morose and dismal Necromongers are the reason that the Holy Catholic Church ruled that suicide was a sin – even though it wasn’t.  To paraphrase the antagonist in The DaVinci Code, “One day it wasn’t a sin.  The next day it had been ruled that it was.”

In the early centuries of Christianity, life for European peasants was so brutal, and the allure of a perfect after-life was so strong, that hundreds and thousands of them committed suicide and killed their families, to go to Heaven.  In some areas, there weren’t enough of them left to feed and serve the nobles.  Some petty King or Emperor beseeched the Pope to stop it, and, VOILA, a new infallible rule!  😮

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Gassed-Up One-Liners

Getting gas, the guy at pump 4 put in $10….
….Where was he driving to?  Pump 9??

They say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer together….
….We now live in a one-bedroom apartment.

My preacher got upset because I only pretended to listen to his sermons….
….so now I don’t even pretend.

I failed my Greek Mythology exam last week….
….I think my failure to study was my Achilles elbow.

I’m a bit nervous about my math exam….
….I figure my chances of passing are 40/40.

My memory is like an Etch-A-Sketch….
….I shake my head, and forget everything.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale….
….I gave her a loaf of bread, and left her in the forest.

Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad
Wife: No you’re not.

I can run….
….like the winded.

Whoever thinks that money doesn’t buy happiness….
….transfer it to my account.

I’m returning your nose….
….I found it in my business.

Let’s all take a moment to be thankful….
….that I don’t own a Taser.

Darth Vader’s corrupt brother is….
….Taxi Vader.

95% of people are idiots….
….I’m glad I’m in the other 15%.

If 2×2 makes 4, and 3×3 makes 9….
….how come 0X0 makes gravy?

I’m only bad at three things….
….and math is both of them.

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way.”….
….has a 0% success rate.

Try meditation. It’s better than….
….sitting around, doing nothing.

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Past Tense Fibbing Friday

Two weeks time ago, Pensitivity101 thought you might be fed up with word definitions, so she asked you for a brief description as to what the following films/books could be about.

1.   Gray Lady Down.

That was a little PSA about “Safety In The Home,” that the wife recently did.  There are 7 steps from the stair-landing, to the ground floor.  She took 6 of them, and then stepped off into a starring role in an episode of “How I Met Your Floor.”

2.   Ladyhawke.

This was a Rom-Com that a female friend of mine had made about her life.  She gave up a lucrative, but boring, position in middle management, to become a fishmonger at the local market, where she found love, crab legs, and a killer recipe for flounder curry.

3.   Black Hawk Down.

This was a YouTube video that the son recorded, of my hopes and aspirations, my trials and tribulations, in attempting to locate a theme for this term.  Finally, tired and despondent, and reluctantly accepting defeat, I just faked it.

4.   All The President’s Men.

This was a New-Age Keystone Kops short, news broadcast, of the Secret Service agents near the recent attempted assassination of Donald Trump.  One of them reached the roof where the shooter was located, but didn’t climb up, ‘Because there was a guy with a gun up there.’  There’s putting yourself in the line of fire for The President of The United States, and then there’s Trump.  One agent received a medal for protecting the owner of a nearby donut shop.

5.   The Green Mile.

I told the wife that the guacamole had gone off, but she said, “Oh no.  It’s still good for you.  Go ahead and eat it.” I hope my Fruit of the Loom package arrives soon.

6.   The Colour Purple.

The colour purple was originally restricted to royalty and the rich, because the dye was labour-intensive and expensive to extract from snails.  Today, there are far too many hillbillies who try to aspire to the purple, when the only purple they get is when they spill their moonshine mixed with grape Slushie.

7.    50 First Dates.

I finally published, as a blog-post, the contents of a diary that I kept for years, about my (lack of) love life.  A minor film executive read it, and it was optioned by MGM (Mediocre Ghastly Movies.)  They think they have a hit.  When it was screened for test audiences, people laughed, people cried, people threw up!  They just don’t know whether to promote it as a romance, a comedy, or a horror story.

8.   Geronimo.

This is the subtitle of the next, and last, Mission Impossible movie, where Reggie doesn’t hack the airplane door open soon enough, and Tom Cruise falls to his death – and our relief.

9.   The Sum of All Fears.

Otherwise known as A Beautiful Mind, this is the story of poor Alan Turing.  When he and his fantastic brain were cracking the Nazis’ codes, and winning the war for Old Blighty, he was a hero.  When he wasn’t needed any more, he was denigrated, harassed and threatened, for being gay.  😮

10.  Stagecoach.

He’s the guy (sorta) who guides and directs the performers in theater and movie musical comedies, teaching them the correct emphasis and inflection to put on the word, “Hello.”

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’24 A To Z Challenge – I

Not to sound too negative or anything, but this week’s word is one of those words that doesn’t seem to have a positive.  I’m talking about

INEFFABLE

There, I said wrote it.  It does seem to be one of those negative words, that doesn’t have a positive for.  I have a whole list of them that I’m gonna do a post about – after I finish my procrastination practice.

Actually, the word effable does exist, although it’s even more rare than ‘ineffable’.  I thought at first that it was to describe many people’s driving skills, but it turns out to mean, utterable, expressible.  Too many of them have the word/name ‘Jesus’ on the back of their cars, so that’s the expression that I utter.  “Jesus!!  Who the eff taught you to drive – Crash Bandicoot??”

Ineffable then, just means that a thing is too…. something – holy, or horrible, to be expressed or described in words.  That’s when I resort to sign language, one finger at a time.  Thumbs-up to you though, if you show up here on Friday.  😀

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To Put It Another Way III

 

Another (hopefully humorous), headshaking report about the havoc that some folks wreak upon the poor English language.  One blogger tried to justify using ‘affect’, instead of ’effect,’ “because I’m a bad speller.”  ‘Neice’ instead of ‘niece’ is bad spelling.  Many of the following examples are the wrong words – the wrong meanings!   Some of them aren’t really words at all.  Hang on, here we go.   😮

Pros

He inhaled the oleo of aromas – Olio, olio – oxen free

The most reknown of all battle cries – It was well-known that the word was renowned.

A beam of light shown from the open door – It’s been shown that it shone.

The Panzer tanks were arranged in a leaguer around the camp – I’ll bet a lager it was a laager.

Coyotes develop an infinity for beer and motorsports – and an affinity for misusage.

With the advent of chemical dies – I would die if I didn’t spell it dyes.

What a thoroughly incite full commentary – full of something – just not insight

Security guard gets paper sprayed – I take that with a grain of salt

Amateurs

Clear ants sale – I’m glad we got rid of them.

Out of hot chocolate.  Sorry for the innocence – But you’re guilty of no hot chocolate.

The pickup had the right away – Right away, look up right of way.

You are stupid and a literate – takes one to know one

I read his a bitch you worried in the paper – I almost died too.

Don’t let the past make you’re dicisions four today – That home-school decision sucks

She ordered chicken sees her salad – and I almost had a seizure, laughing.

He was in otter shock – If he was a cow, he’d be in udder shock.

If you eat peanut butter, you go into intergalactic shock. – I know I’m shocked!

That joke was a Larry us – but not as hilarious as that phrase

Is that toe food? – No, that’s tofu.

I was sick, and coughing up flame – because the cold was dragon on.

I’m an avoid reader – I can see that you avoid reading.

I’ll snatch you ball-headed – If you pull out all my hair, I’ll be bald-headed.

I tolled him about his mistake – did you toll him about yours?

Bicycle for seal – my seal prefers a scooter

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Dirty Fibbing Friday

This week Long, long ago, Di, at sparksfromacombustiblemind said that the Fibbing Friday is all about the food.  Do you believe her??  Pensitivity101 doesn’t.  Says she lies.

  1. Garlic is said to ward off [What]?

Door-to-door salesmen.  It works, too.  I’ve been eating the wife’s Italian food for half a century, and there’s no sign of them in my neighbourhood.  Although, I did recently see/hear a soft-serve ice cream truck near the daughter’s place.

  1. Man does not live by [What] alone?

Beer!  You need a shot of your favorite liquor dropped into the mug, to produce a Depth Charge, or Boilermaker.

  1. Fish isn’t everyone’s favorite, because ..?

Some of us still prefer to play Whist, Bridge, or Euchre, or even Uno with the grandkids.

  1. Eat more green and you’ll be lean and ?

Falling over from weakness.  Mankind did not struggle to get to the top of the food chain, to eat salads.  Salads are a promissory note that real food will arrive soon.  We’ll eat it with sautéed mushrooms and HP Steak Sauce.

  1. Over imbibing may invoke the hair of the [what] the next day?

A nude-nosed wombat – with you wondering how you managed to get into the zoo, and bring this thing home without getting bit.

  1. Revenge is a dish best served ?

To the asshole who screwed you over, now that you’ve devalued his crypto-currency, bankrupted his company, and have him working as your majordomo.

  1. Little Jack Horner stuck his thumb in a Christmas pie and pulled out?

But his girlfriend still insisted that she was enceinte.  And stop eating while we’re shagging!

  1. Raw fish is a delicacy when prepared as [What]?

Bait!  There’s a reason that God invented stoves.  Maybe we could convince the Japanese to use them in the 21st Century….  Or microwave ovens – they make ‘em.  Don’t they know how to run them?  😕

  1. An apple a day does what?

Puts you in jail if the cops find out you’ve been stealing them from the Internet Café.  Personally, I prefer PCs, but I guess some people like them.  Running one feels like having to learn Esperanto.

  1. Ice cream is best on a ?

Whim!  Quietly!  Don’t let the wife hear.

I’m going to have seconds, but I’ll be back, serving up something different on Monday.  😀

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Intelligent VS Smart

Being “Intelligent” does not mean that you are “Smart.”  Take my wife – please.

When she went into Grade 9, the school administered an IQ test, on which she scored in the middle 120s.  She is reasonably ‘intelligent,’ however….
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Where and when I attended high school, jewelry of any sort on students was rare.  I was almost the only one I knew who had a wristwatch.  Boys wore no rings, often because of sports.  Bracelets and bangles were non-existent.  Very few girls wore necklaces.  There must have been a few Catholics mixed in with us heathen Protestants.  I remember a couple of modest, sterling crucifixes, and the cafeteria served salmon loaf each Friday.

Not being a “Christian,” and desiring to be a little different, I wanted to wear some kind of necklace, but not A CROSS. I read in some magazine, an offer like, Send in two Post Toasties box-tops and 75¢, and we’ll send you a genuine, pewter, Maltese Cross.  I hung it from a cheap, steel chain, and wore it for years.  One day, it just disappeared.  With no memory, I couldn’t look back to see exactly where and when and how I had lost it.

Fast forward ten years.  I have a couple of kids and a wife.  We are watching some PBS documentary about the Knights of Malta, and how they petitioned the Pope to allow them to use the Maltese Cross as their religious emblem.  I casually said, “I used to have a Maltese Cross that I wore, but it just disappeared one day.  I don’t know how I lost it, or where it went.  And the wife said:

Well, when we first started going out, I noticed you wearing it.  I didn’t know what it was.  I’d never seen anything like it.  The only ones I knew about were part of Nazi war medals.  I didn’t know why you were worshipping Nazis, but I just didn’t think it was right.  One day, when we were at the beach, you took it off to go into the water, and I took it out of your shoe, and buried it in the sand.

W!   T!   F!??

So:
Before we were even married
Without my Knowledge
Without my permission
Without having me explain myself
Without knowing what it was
Without doing any research
Without asking questions
Without expressing her concern

She just felt justified in stealing my personal property, and disposing of it without telling me, because she somehow disapproved – and then, voluntarily piping up, and admitting to it.  Her recent ex-Catholic status forced her mind to confess her sin.  Had it been me…. My ‘Smart’ brain would have told my ‘Intelligent’ mouth to Shut the f**k up!!

Fifty years later, I am still occasionally reminded somehow, and I am still angered.

😦

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Wisdom In Humor

DILBERT’S WORDS OF WISDOM

I can only please one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow isn’t lookin good, either.

I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Some day, we’ll look back on all this, and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that can’t be solved by the application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that, some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.  If they aren’t there the first time you need them, there’s a good chance that you will never need them again.

I don’t have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed, looking up at the stars in the sky, and I asked myself, “Where is my ceiling?”

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of Life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress.  I’m a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons.  To them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot.  They drag you down to their level.

Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?

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Corporate America’s Recreational Activities

A two-year study by the National Science Foundation has reveals the following results

The sport of choice for unemployed or jailed people is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance workers is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for line-workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for Middle Management is TENNIS
And finally, the sport of choice for Upper Management is GOLF.

CONCLUSION: The higher up you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

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Took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and cider…

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his stroller…

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Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the streets of Rome.  One nun looks around and says, You know. I’ve never come this way before.  The other nun says, Must be the cobblestones.

***

My wife asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to pick one name, not two.

***

I only wanted to be an adult to have sex and swear.  All this getting up to go to work and paying bills wasn’t in the plan.

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Setup Fibbing Friday

Last week was another set of question offered to Pensitivity101 by fellow blogger Archon’s Den.  (Ta-Da!)
What do you make of these?

1. Betrump

That is the woe that will betide the United States, if there are enough desperate, gullible voters to re-elect a multiply-convicted felon.

2. Cony-catch

That’s a form of juggling, using special, Fall-Fair hotdogs.

3. Crapulous

Living in a small town, we don’t have a sewage system.  Houses just have septic tanks.  Some of the older houses still just have cesspools – or British cesspits – although, ours are covered over.  There’s a local firm that comes around occasionally, to pump them out.  It’s called Poker Pumping, and the motto on the honey-wagon says, “A straight flush beats a full house.”

4. Dowsabel

It’s the signal for the end of the stock trading day on the NYSE.

5. Ear-rent

This is the up-front, per-minute charge that I demand, to listen to duct-cleaners, campaigning politicians, and rabid religious missionaries.  I have kinda, sorta learned to listen to the wife, or I will pay.

6. Flexanimous

This is the exact opposite of what I was at the beginning of my life.  Nowadays, my thoughts and opinions are as rigid as my protesting muscles and joints.

7. Gazophylacium

This is a new medication developed to relieve acid reflux, caused by a hiatus hernia.

8. Grum

Cheer up, they said.  Things could be worse.  So I cheered up.  Sure as shit, things got worse.  Things always seem to go from bad to worse.  Yesterday, they were grim.  Today they are grum.

9. Hugger–mugger

This WOKE shit is getting Waaayyyy out of hand.  Apparently, there are no more armed robbers.  There are just financially-disadvantaged street residents.  I’m of the, “That’s not a knife.  That’s a knife Beretta 9-mil, opinion.”  It cuts recidivism 100%.

10. Lucubrate

This is a system to assign values to the untruths we spread.  It ranges from tact, – (No, dear, those yoga pants don’t make your butt look big.  It’s your addiction to Godiva chocolates that does that.) to white lies, fibs, euphemisms, misdirection, real lies, damned lies, statistics, and Vote for me.  I’m not really a rich, condescending asshole, I just married into the money.

How many British Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
No-one knows.  They don’t stay in office long enough to do it.

Fancy a cuppa?

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’24 A To Z Challenge – H

GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION

I’m going to say write a word, and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into my head.

HAVERSACK

The British equivalent of an American tote bag, or one-shoulder-strapped backpack.  I don’t know what poor Haver did that got it thrown in a sack.  Maybe it’s like a pig in a poke, or the cat that you have to let out of the bag.

HACKY SACK

a game in which a footbag is juggled with the feet.
It can be played with one person, two, or more, and one footbag, two, or more, with bags being passed back and forth among players.  It’s good practice for a possible future in soccer (British – footie) – or musical comedy.

HACKENSACK

Hackensack is a fairly large city in the State of New Jersey.  The name comes from an Otonabee Indian word meaning, “Man, what a dump!”  If this is New Jersey, what does Old Jersey look like??!

HACKNEY

A hackney is/was a single-horse-drawn carriage – or the horse that pulled one, with a small body slung between two large wheels, and the driver standing behind.  Anyone who has watched Victorian-era Sherlock Holmes movies has seen one – or many.  They were as common as air in London – or as common as Yellow Cabs in modern New York.  They were so numerous that they gave birth to a new English adjective – HACKNEYED – meaning, trite, commonplace, or clichéd.

Like the movie list of 1963, which included, Hud, The Haunting, High and Low, and The Haunted Palace, this has been another H of a post.  😀