Monthly Archives: January 2025

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Subcontracted Fibbing Friday

With grateful acknowledgments, and many thanx to daughter Lady Ryl, who geniused the large majority of this post.

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Last week, Pensitivity101 was after our alternative definitions of these familiar words:

1. What is a fib?

This is the newly minted *Federal Imbroglio Bureau*…  soon to replace the FBI.

2. What is a crib?

That special mobile hen house that homesteaders use to keep the chickens safe while they hunt and peck for their daily feed.

3.What is a bib?

The new acronym/slang for a pregnant female – *Baby In Belly*

4. What is a titfer?

What those crazy hillbillies call a nursing mother.

5. What is an antler?

When a metal artist uses an ant mound to pour molten metal into and creates branched art pieces.

6. Define staunch.

The smell of a group of politicians spewing their typical garbage all over the place, not particularly pleasant and usually foaming from the mouth.

7. What is a paunch?

A group of political roadies, that follow, support, and cheer on their favourites like a person would a sports team.

8. What is a launch?

A trencherman’s mid-day meal

9. What is a nub?

Individuals that are sure their Google-fu is better than anything a team of scientists, doctors or other learned professionals have studied, tested or proven.

10. What is a hub?

What some wives call their insignificant others

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In The Beginning

And God said, “Let there be a Big Bang,” and there was a big bang; and from the Big Bang emerged matter and radiation.

And God saw the Big Bang, that it was a great explosion; and the evening and the morning were the first billion years, 14 billion years ago.

And God said, Let there be hydrogen and helium and let them swirl randomly; and let some of the gas swirl into regions of higher density; and let those regions of greater density contract themselves into proto-galaxies; and let the proto-galaxies contract themselves further into galaxies.

And when they had done so, God said, Let there be stars.

And the first stars began to form within the galaxies; and when the gases whereof they were made had sufficiently compressed, there began thermonuclear burning and lo, there was starlight.  And the evening and the morning were the third billion years, 11 billion years ago.

And to assure that man would not quickly understand His great works, God gave unto the speed of light, a finite limit of 300,000 kilometers a second, and to the atmosphere of the Earth, when He got around to creating it, five billion years ago, He gave turbulence and distortion, and opacity to many kinds of radiation; and further to confound Man’s understanding, He placed throughout the universe, quasars, neutron stars, black holes and other strange peculiarities.

And God looked upon the work of His singularity approvingly and said, Lo, it is a puzzlement.  And it was a puzzlement.

Could we ever expect a universe with anything as strange as Man in it, to be simple?  God the mathematician, God the astrophysicist, moves in mysterious ways.  Simple theories set forth by simple men with very limited knowledge mean that the creation story of the Bible is likely to be wrong, and the likelihood of the Bible being wrong on any given subject increases as Mankind’s knowledge and understanding increases.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?  Then he is not omnipotent.  Is he able, but not willing?  Then he is malevolent.  Is he both able and willing?  Then whence cometh evil?  Is he neither able nor willing?  Then why call him God?

Epicurus: circa 300 BCE

 

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Google One Liners

I Googled “Missing Mediaeval servant”….
…. It came back, “Page not found.”

My date said, “I’m looking for someone who is kind and intelligent”….
….Oops, I thought you said kinda intelligent.

Proud to announce that my goal of becoming a criminal lawyer is half complete….
….Just working on the lawyer part now.

The doctor told me that I have hypochondria….
….I replied, “That too?”

The wife reached another culinary milestone today….
….by setting off the neighbors’ smoke alarm.

I hate people who take drugs….
….For example, airport security.

Taco Bell is selling fries….
….Burger King is selling tacos….
….KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches….
….I knew we shouldn’t legalize marijuana.

Both the Bible and the Quran tell us to love one another….
….The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

On the Internet, you can be anything you want….
….It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

Unlike the brain….
….the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

My therapist says I have trouble expressing emotion….
….I can’t say I’m surprised.

A lot of people were confused at the opening….
….of my ribbon repair company.

Trump is nothing like Hitler….
….No way could he write a book.

I don’t have arthritis….
….I have early-onset rigor mortis.

The four seasons are all different….
….Summer warmer than others.

The difference between coffee and your opinion….
….I asked for coffee.

I tried cooking with wine last night….
….After five glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

There are two kinds of people in the world….
….I try to avoid them.

In the ‘60s, people took acid to make the world weird….
….Today the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like….
….the government.

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Definitely Silly Fibbing Friday

More silly words some time ago, from Pensitivity101. How would you define these?

1. Rubaboo

That’s what your grandma told you if you didn’t stop doing, you’d go blind.

2. Wampum

That’s the corporal punishment that well-behaved adults received, when they were not well-behaved children.

3. Taradiddle

That’s an inconsiderate male who won’t bother to lift the toilet seat, nor dry it with TP or ‘Kleenex.’™

4. Yitten

….but if you add a new, electric, clothes-dryer, divide by your birthday, and solve for the value of The Battle of Thermopylae, you get something that the entitled American wheat farmer claims is “my grain,” but the average Brit adds up musically, and identifies as “Dough, Ray, Me Gran.”

5. Dingus

Don’t know!  Maybe we could ask Cordelia’s Mom.  She lives in/near Buffalo, NY, and they hold a Dingus day every Easter Monday – although, being American, they spell it Dyngus.  Frank Sinatra played a Dirty Dingus Magee in a 1970 movie, but I had to go to school that week.  All I know is that a lot of it came out the back end of horses.

6. Pronk

This is the brand name of the most popular bamboo replacement for single-use plastic forks.  Now I know what panda food tastes like.  😮

7. Fipple

This is a new flavour of ice-cream, made with acai berries.

8. Bupkis

It’s a small, flute-like instrument, played mostly in marching bands.

9. Deckled

This is when you didn’t drive all the way to an arena parking lot, where you couldn’t afford to attend the game anyway, and tail-gated, but stayed home, and had barbecue and beer on the full-length wooden porch out behind the double-wide.

10. Brouhaha

It’s the newest, hot, new club drink.  (Have you noticed that there’s a “hot new club drink” about every two weeks – or whenever I write a Fibbing Friday – whichever comes first.  Meta, write me a joke.)  It’s made with tequila, and coffee, brewed with nitrous oxide instead of water.  You enjoy a little nap, and awaken with a smile on your face, and a chuckle in your throat.

 

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’24 A To Z Challenge – V

With a nod (and a sly wink) to John Erickson, who inadvertently provided the blog-theme word prompt for the letter V.

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When Donald Trump is crowned and enthroned as Holy Christian Emperor and Grand Panjandrum inaugurated as the rerun President of the United States, he has promised to enact legislation that will make the

VUVUZELA

The National Musical Instrument of the country.

Considering what Trump is and does, this is an incredibly apt allegory for his presidential tenure.  It is shrill, aggressive, discordant, and irritating.  It is limited to one note, and it does not produce anything even vaguely socially or musically melodious or harmonious.

Its only abilities seem to be self-congratulatory celebrations of incredibly minor achievements, and preventing half the population from the quiet enjoyment of their lives.  It will MAKE AMERICA LOUD and OBNOXIOUS AGAIN.

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Second Millennium

THIS IS MY 2000TH POST

Big deal, I know a couple of bloggers who have reached 10,000.  I console myself by claiming that they are the WordPress equivalent of Post It notes, 50/75 word posts about themes and memes and blog prompts.  I like to think that mine have a little more body and content.

I recently passed my 13th WordPress anniversary – almost thirteen years of dutiful, self-imposed, three-per-week, Monday/Wednesday/ Friday blogposts.  Like many other long-term bloggers, I seem to have just run out of things to write about.  Even when I do come up with a new blog theme, I don’t seem to have the strength, the stamina, the concentration, the creativity, or the dedication to get it composed and posted on time.  That’s why so many “Monday” A To Z Challenges slid to Wednesday – I needed two extra days to get them finished.

It may be partly because of my continued aging – it may be partly the result of major surgery – it may be partly because of ingesting multitudinous medications (The pharmacy sent me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY Card.), but as Uncle Albert says, “I’m So Easy Called Away.”

I may have to do what several other long-term bloggers have done.  I may have to reduce – but not eliminate, for now – the number of my posts.  What the CBers used to call Sani-Bagging – reading other people’s posts and picking up their garbage, without spreading any much of my own.

So far, I seem to be able to keep up with Fibbing Fridays.  Sometimes a little late, but I publish A To Z Challenges.  After over ten years of providing jokes and humor, I’m having problems finding more that suits three-digit IQs.  Adult humor doesn’t need to have sex in it.  My output may diminish somewhat, but please keep stopping by.

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Real Fake Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 gave us some real words, but these are my definitions!

1. Bafflegab

    That would be anything that falls out of Elon Musk’s mouth.  I used to think that Donald Trump was the champion of Talk Much – Say Little, but Elon, his left-hand man, amazes and awes me.  He may be a genius who will get us to a colony on Mars, but no-one will understand why.

    2. Batrachomyomachy

    This is a word which means possessing an excess of Woke.  When God made Man, he was explaining to some angels.  “He might not look like much, but He will be strong, brave, tenacious, and clever.  He will fight off huge wild animals.  He will survive fires, floods, earthquakes, volcano eruptions….  Eventually, He will become afraid of words.”
    3.  Boondoggle

    This is my online friend who rescues and finds homes for unwanted and abandoned canines.

    4.   Borborygmus

    You’ve heard that “You can lead a horse to water’??!  This is the guy who can’t.  He vainly attempts to organize and run the team Zoom meetings, with all the style and panache of low-fat yogurt.  People follow him only out of morbid curiosity.

    5.   Bowyang

    It’s the vee-shaped wave, pushed ahead of the front of Viking Cruise river boats on the Danube.  Not amusing, or even very interesting – just something that we cannot afford to do – but I definitely dislocated my fibula, typing it out.

    6.   Blitzkrieg

    Blitzkrieg is a candy bar manufactured in The Netherlands, similar to a Mounds bar.  It contains dark chocolate and nuts, and is heavily infused with THC oil.  You will get as fat as a little pot-bellied pig, eating these things…. but you don’t care, man.

    7.   Brimborion

    This word describes the food provided at many hospitals.  It is contracted out, produced in bulk, shipped to the hospitals, warmed back up, and served to unsuspecting patients, with Hobson’s choice.  Maximum profit is obtained through minimum variation.  It contains no salt, because of heart patients.  It contains no sugar because of diabetics.  It is warm, filling, nutritious – and about as palatable as mucilage.  I lost 20 pounds in 10 days.  A previous cardiac patient was the Food Manager for all of Ontario’s penitentiaries.  He said that he could/would not serve this pap to his prisoners.

    8.  Boffola

    This is the ‘Dirty Talk’ portion of foreplay (If there is any) for #9

    9.   Boff

    Boff is the verb to describe aggressive, positive sex – usually with the male as initiator and controller.  The “Boff” quotient of American presidents has declined significantly over the years.  John F. Kennedy used to boff all kinds of movie stars and socialites.
    Monica Lewinski became Bill Clinton’s whistle-blower, when she took it into her head to become famous.
    Eeny, Meany, Miney, Moe
    Trump grabs them by the camel-toe
    He has oral sex when he tells them how much they want and enjoy his ‘HUGE’ hands.
    10. Buzzwig

    Renaissance hair-pieces were not white because they were heavily dusted with talcum powder.  It was arsenic, to kill all-too-common fleas.

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    TILWROT VI

    Mother always said, “Eat your vegetables.”  I’ve consumed a lot of broccoli over the years.

    Speaking of movies…. 

    Ian Fleming’s James Bond books were adapted for a short-term television series in early/mid 1950s, with Peter Lorre as the ongoing villain.  Later in the ‘50s, there was a lackluster Bond movie.  It wasn’t till 1962 that producer, Albert Broccoli, showed us what Bond could be like, starting with Dr. No.  After his death, his daughter, Barbara took over the franchise and together, they produced 28 movies in about 60 years.  There were also 2 non-Broccoli Bond films that did better than they might have, by riding on the franchise’s coat-tails.  I have seen them all.

    In the 1930s and ‘40s, there was a Jewish musician and comic, who took his stage name, Ish Kabibble, from a running joke.  It’s a Yiddish term, meaning, “I don’t know.”  Whenever shit happened, that was the answer.  Rowdy young Broccoli was much the same, and was known in his neighborhood as Ish Kabibble.  Soon, the ‘Ish’ was dropped.  Then, ‘Kabibble’ was shortened to ‘Kabby’, which finally morphed to “Cubby.”  This was a pet name, and term of endearment that Broccoli treasured and retained his entire life, much like my Archon alias.

    In the early 1800s, he had an ancestor who was a botanist and horticulturalist, who managed to cross-breed kale and cauliflower.  The family name, and the vegetable name, both came from the Italian word, ‘broccolo,’ which is the spiky, flowering top of cabbage.  And so, beef and broccoli Chinese food was born – although it had to wait until chop suey was developed.

    We boil small pieces in chicken broth, buzz it down to a purée with a hand-held wand blender, and stir in finely shredded sheep cheese, for a warm and filling winter meal.

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    Humor At The Movies

    I thought that I liked seeing movies.  Turns out, I just like eating candy in a dark room where no-one is allowed to talk to me.

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    Not to brag, but I’m the reason that the yoga teacher stopped saying, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

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    Me, before coffee: Ugh, why is everybody yelling?
    Me, after coffee: Okay!  Yes, I do see the fire now.

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    Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
    Me: Yep.
    Wife: What temperature did you set it to?
    Me: 534
    Wife: That’s the clock
    Me:
    Wife:
    Me: 535

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    Me: My wife is having a baby.
    Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
    Me: It’s a person, but smaller.

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    The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17.

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    Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

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    When I go To Hell:  “I was told that there would be a “special” place for me.

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    She’s single.
    She lives right across the street.
    I can see her place from my patio.
    I watched as she got home from work this evening.  I was surprised when she walked across the street, right up my driveway, and knocked on the door.
    I rushed to open it, and she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex all night.  Are you doing anything this evening?”
    I said, “Nope, I’m free!”
    She replied, “Good.  Could you watch my dog?”

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    Definitely Fibbing Friday

    Familiar words from Pensitivity101 last week, but my definitions are interesting and amusing!

    1.What is a didgeridoo?

    That’s the stuff that I have to scrape off the bottom of my fringed lizard’s cage.

    2. What is a wombat?

    That’s the one that was ruled illegal at the cricket open, when it was found to be bored and corked.  A little Marshall Plan donation from American Major League Baseball.

    3. What is a jerry can?

    The washroom at the local schnitzel restaurant

    4. What is a beaker?

    Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s assistant on The Muppet Show.

    5. What is a photofit?

    That’s why there are so few pictures of me.  Cameras with fisheye lenses are not common.

    6. What is meant by pluck?

    I don’t want to harp on it, but that is a musical term.

    7. What is a cat nap?

    90% of my feline pets’ lives

    8. Where will you find a winder?

    Much against my desires and better judgement, I allowed myself to be enrolled in a post-heart surgery Cardiac rehabilitation exercise program.  The winder is an inclined treadmill.  20 minutes on that has me huffing and puffing.  If God had meant us to walk, He would not have invented Uber.

    9. What is a crosshair?

    It’s what’s on top of my head each morning.  I used to say that it looked like I combed it with a pillow.  Now, it’s more like it had a midnight tussle with an industrial blender.

    10. What is an effigy?

    My usual style of speech, when I have to deal with the world at large. I sound like a chicken with Tourette’s syndrome.   #uck, #uck, #uck