Tag Archives: advertising

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TILWROT VIII

I used to sing of Saints – but when I became an adult, I put away childish things – until I decided to do some research.

In Grade 7, I was reluctantly, shyly, protestingly, put in the school choir.  (I later realized that was why.)  Among others, we sang a song about Santa Lucia.  Recent childhood reminiscing brought it back to mind.  Other than the refrain about Santa Lucia, I don’t remember singing in Italian.  I decided to do some research.

I went to Bing, and just plugged in “Santa Lucia.”  I guess if your Tourist Board spends a couple of million dollars in promotion, the algorithm moves you to the top of the pile.  There was no mention of an Italian saint, or a cute song.  The entire first page was about Saint (not Santa) Lucia, an island near the Bahamas.

(Saint) Lucia’s father tried to sell her into sexual servitude through marriage, because it was standard procedure at the time.  She strongly protested, and insisted on remaining virginal, unwed, and a drain on her family – not because she objected to having some dirty old man stick it to her, but because he was a non-Christian pagan.

The surprise in my research about the song was when I found out that it wasn’t about Santa Lucia.  It was about the Santa Lucia cove section of Naples Bay.  It is a barcarole, a song sung by gondoliers, to entice potential customers to rent their boats.

Gondolas at Naples??!  We all know about them at Venice, where the shallow, deeply indented bay and canal system suppresses storm waves, and makes these oversize canoes reasonably safe – but in an open bay??

So, this little song was never about a purported saint.  It was just an advertising jingle.  I might as well have been singing about “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.” only, those hadn’t been invented when I was a kid.

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Childish One-Liners

I now have three great-grandkids….
….OMG, LMAO, and WTF!

If the lawn mower cuts your toes off….
….don’t come running to me.

Geologists explain earthquakes….
….using faulty logic.

When I turned 70, I couldn’t recognize letters close up….
….but I can still recognize idiots from a distance.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke grammar laws?….
….It was given two consecutive sentences.

How many grammar teachers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Too

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet….
….Nobody knew Y.

Did you know that cowboys’ relationships….
….tend to be stable.

Would you call a cowboy’s clothing….
….ranch dressing?

Once a month, women go crazy….
….for 30 days.

Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?….
….It’s jarring

In order to have a Murder of Crows….
….there must be probable caws.

A group of crows is a murder….
….A group of Karens is a Migraine.

I told the wife that ‘awesome’ ends with ME….
….She replied, ‘But ugly starts with U’

I don’t advertise my lip-reading business….
…..It’s all by word of mouth.

I joined a dating site for people my age….
….It’s called Carbon Dating.

I asked a woman for her number….
….She said it was 140 over 80.

I took a quiz online, “What’s your spirit animal?’….
….Mine was extinct.

I stopped going to church….
….when the Pastor fell asleep during his own sermon.

How important does someone have to be….
….before they are “assassinated,” rather than murdered?

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’25 A To Z Challenge – I

So, that’s I-glesias?  What do da I stand for – I need a bigger bed??!

No, that means that I need to come up with a theme, no matter how pitiful, for the letter I.

This year, poor, poor, pitiful me could only come up with

ILLUSORY

The first dictionary definition given was Virtual, but the slide of connotation now has that word meaning almost, nearly, and close to – as in He was a virtual genius with the Rubik’s Cube.  It used to mean deceptive, false, not in fact, so when your dishwasher detergent pods claim that they will get your dishes virtually spotless, you know that it’s an advertising lie.

Any resemblance between this blogpost, and a well-researched, entertaining, educational one, is just illusory.

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Fibbing Friday #260

Last week the questions were from Pensitivity101’s monthly newsletter

  1. Who made the first manned hot air balloon flight in 1783?

That was Donald Trump’s great-great-grandfather.  He was giving an extended oration in Ulm, about making The Germanies great again, from a small rostrum with a light, linen pavilion over it.  Finally, all that inflamed rhetoric began to accumulate, the canopy filled with his hot air, and like Ed Asner in the animated movie, he floated Up and away, leaving some in his audience muttering about delusions, egos, and bankruptcies.

  1.  Which is the more widely used around the world, cow’s milk or goat’s milk?

Probably cow’s milk, because the average cow produces the weight of two goats in milk each day, but with Woke, and Veganism, it’s losing ground, being replaced by soy milk, almond milk, rice milk, oat milk coconut milk, and hemp milk.

Soy milk is its largest competitor, because it’s readily available all through Asia.  But soy milk contains chemicals that mimic the female hormone, estrogen, producing passive, peaceful, and patient behavior.  You don’t see soy-milk cheese slices on Trump’s, or Putin’s, McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

  1.  What does the word “Canada” mean?

“Donald Trump’s whipping boy”

  1.  True or False, an adult male baboon can kill an adult leopard?

True!  Especially in States that allow concealed carry without a license.

  1.  Which U.S. State has the nickname “Hawkeye”?

That would be Maine, where the most famous character in the M.A.S.H. book/movie/TV series hailed from.  It wouldn’t be Iowa.  That’d be just nuts.

  1.  In which decade of the 19th Century did Christmas Day become a national U.S. holiday?

The Festival of Conspicuous Consumption??  It was probably the final decade, but it was the one when Madison Avenue stopped selling us what we needed, and could use, and started selling us on the idea that there were things that we should pay outrageous prices for, so that we felt good about ourselves, and looked good to other people.

  1.  Which strong cheese, made from ewe’s milk and stored in caves, is named after a village in France?

The village is Gruyėre, and that is the name of one of three types of cheese made near the Swiss Alps.  The little holes in the cheeses are actually part of the cave, which has been shrinking over time.  In ten years they will have to be made in Emmanuel Macron’s basement.

  1.  Who painted “Whistler’s Mother”?

A little bourbon, a little grass, a little acid, a little body paint – coulda been anyone.  Coulda been everyone.  Probably was.  She doesn’t know who Whistler’s Father was.

  1.  In Denmark they are known as “laks” what are they known as in English?

Toupees, or wigs

  1.  Approximately what percentage of humans are left-handed?

It’s about 10%, but it would probably be higher if it weren’t for the number of southpaws that right-handed tools slay each year.  Right-handed scissors, in left hands, kill more people than fentanyl overdoses.  Right-handed can openers cause lefties to die from frustration and heart attacks!

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General Fibbing Friday

General knowledge questions from Pensitivity101 last week, so wrong answers/fabrications please!

1. What three symbols are featured on the game invitation card on Squid Game?


2.  What do Sumo Wrestlers use to purify the ring before a match?

Kikkoman Soya Sauce, and Gillette Full-Body Deodorant Spray

3.  What is the name of the sport played on broomsticks in Harry Potter?

Curling

4.  What is the name of the unique language spoken by Furbies?

Gobbledegook

5.  Which chocolate product had the slogan ‘The lighter way to enjoy chocolate’?

Willie Wonka’s THC Brownies

6.  What unit of measurement is used for electrical resistance?

Mormon chastity ring

7.  In what sport would you use the term ‘Daily Double’?

Bar shooters truth or dare

8.  Which fashion label popularized the velour tracksuit in the 2000s?

That was Bratva Russian Fashions LLC, soon a hit with Communist mobsters and American wannabes, alike.  The loose, roomy outfits hid the fact that the nouveau riche wearers had no culture or manners.  Their capacious pockets were ideal for concealing huge amounts of ill-gotten loot, and illegal firearms.  The most popular colour was BORSCHT RED, because it hid the bloodstains so well.

9.  Where would you find the Mariana Trench?

She’s the Irish Goodtime Girl currently working the local pub.

10. Which two words begin a darts match?

En Pointe

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’24 A To Z Challenge – W

My mission – if I choose to accept it – to find a socially or linguistically significant word for the letter W has been an utter failure.  Woe is me.  Wah!  No wisdom, witticisms, or wisecracks to offer.  Let’s just go with infrequent, and lackluster

WAMBLE

  1. to move unsteadily.
  2. to feel nausea.
  3. (of the stomach) to rumble; growl.
  4. an unsteady or rolling movement.
  5. a feeling of nausea.

 

1300–50; Middle English wamle, obscurely akin to Norwegian vamla to stagger

While the meaning, spelling, and pronunciation are similar, it is not related to ‘wobble.’  Their parents are two different languages.  For several years, the son had a co-worker, universally known as ‘’Wobbles,’ not because he ingested alcohol, or the fumes of burning…. incense – although some of that did happen.

Do you remember, like me, from 1970 – Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down?  That was him.  Ovoid, bottom-heavy, short, bandy legs, looked like he spent lots of time straddling a log – or a barstool.

On the other hand….
I worked for four years with a man who everybody – from the boss/owner on down – knew he brought a 6-pack of beer in each morning, dunked it in a toilet tank in the washroom, and finished it by noon.  Then he went home for lunch, and returned with another 6-pack for the afternoon – at a Precision machine shop.

No-one ever said anything, because he pumped out loads of parts, to ten-thousandths, and hundred-thousandths of an inch – no wobble…. Or wamble.

See if you can wend your way back in a couple of days.

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Last Year’s Fibbing Friday

These were our questions from Pensitivity101 last week.  How would you define these?

1.  Ackamarackus

That’s the advertising motto of the local greasy spoon diner.  The owner is still angry that “Finger Lickin’ Good” was already taken, because he doesn’t provide paper napkins.  At least he rejected, “Kelley’s Kitchen: Kleen As A Kowshed.”

2.  Anencephalous

These are the type of mosquitoes which cause malaria.  They are related to other bloodsuckers like the IRS, and Inland Revenue, which cause penuria.

3.  Antediluvian

She is my Father’s alcoholic sister, who believes in reiki, channeling and crystals.

4.  Accismus

That was Prince Chuckles’ failure to launch succeed to the throne, because his Mum was a better man than he was.

5.  Agelast

This is how you should fill out all official documents, name – address – telephone number – email address – sex (yes please) – and finally, a date of birth that hopefully does not begin with 18..

6.  Arabinose

It’s a Middle-Eastern cosmetic surgery clinic where they transplant camel snouts, because they’re smaller.

7.  Antimacassar

Being strongly opposed to Russia’s invasion of the Ukraine.

8.  Anagrammatic

Being like the local female drug dealer, who doesn’t touch the stuff, herself.

9.  Aichmophobia

It’s an ‘abit that certain regional Brits have, of failing to pronounce the 8th letter of the alphabet, when it begins a word.  Y’ve got Sparkle Markle, and self-imposed exile.  Are ya ‘appy, ‘arry??   😕

10.  Atrabilious

It’s what more than a few customers of Kelley’s Kitchen have become.  Even the cockroaches won’t eat there.

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Stolen Words

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.  Our culture changes our language, and our language changes our culture.

Consider how much the language has changed since Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language in 1755. One of the entries was the word “teen.” Today, we think of a teen as a person between the ages of 13 and 19 years. According to Johnson, the word means, “to vex, irritate, annoy, anger, enrage, inflict suffering upon, to afflict, harass, to injure, harm.” OK… Maybe that was a poor example. Essentially, the meaning is the same.

Along with everything else today, words are getting a terrible kicking around. In the attempt to achieve instant comprehension, mass communications have flattened words out so that shades of meaning are lost, categories and pigeonholes have replaced precise descriptions, punch and color have been abandoned… Conversation is edging toward verbal shorthand… Then there are euphemisms… Advertising, with its ever-changing private lingo will twist and adulterate any words it lays pen or tongue to for public consumption… and the politicos have a universal tendency to use words to conceal or confuse thought, to take the juice and flavor of speech and writing.

adolescence: A time of rapid changes between the ages of twelve and seventeen, when a parent can get as much as twenty years older.

amateur: A person who is always willing to give you the benefit of his inexperience.

belgard: A soft glance; a kind regard.

Christmas Eve: The shortest night of the year; from sundown to son-up.

diligence: An old-fashioned vehicle of success.

epitaph: A monumental lie.

free: The price is concealed.

golden rule: Give unto others the advice you can’t use yourself.

hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.

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Too Weak Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101said that we have to endure a fortnight of the Olympics, here are the other 10 questions in her newsletter this month. Fib away for gold my friends!

  1. In which four years have the modern Olympics been cancelled?

Those were years when the IOC could not locate a corporate sponsor.  Individual competitors can be banned, even if they just worked as a barista at Starbucks during college, to keep body and soul together, but just look at the product placement in the TV broadcasts.

  1. When were women first permitted to compete in the modern Olympics?

It was during the Roaring 20s, when they still had co-ed changing rooms.  Happy Days Are Here Again!

  1. When did the first Refugee team make its debut?

When the Roman armada rowed into Athens harbour.

  1. What does the Olympic motto “Citius, altius, fortius” mean?

It means that the smog over Paris is getting thicker by the moment.  Frenchmen smoke like it’s mandatory.  The name of the popular brand, “Galois” means floor sweepings and rat droppings.

  1. What do the five Olympic rings represent?

The five sunny-side-up fried eggs that I had for breakfast this morning.  Just ask Dagwood.  He’ll confirm it.

  1. Who is the most decorated modern Olympian, with 23 Olympic gold medals?

That would be Donnie the Dip, the world’s slickest pickpocket.  He specializes in getting into Olympic locker rooms and change areas, using keys and badges that he snaffles from officials’ pockets, and manages to snag a medal or two at each set of games.  I’m sure that he’s picked up one or two more this past fortnight.  He intends to melt them down, and cast them into fake Oscar statuettes – items that have some actual worth.

  1. Which two countries discovered they had the same flag at the 1936 Olympics?

That was Afghanistan, and Zimbabwe.  They thought that they were the farthest away from each other, alphabetically, and no-one would notice.  Then they realized that they were side-by-side, when a new list was started.

  1. At the 1908 Olympics the City of London Police team won the gold medal in which event?

It’s not clear whether it was interpretive riot-quelling, or competitive belling.  Back then, they used real bells.  Research results are a bit hazy, because records are heavily redacted – or maybe someone’s inkpot just got knocked over.

  1. Which city will host the Summer Olympics for the third time in 2028?

That will be Delhi, India.  They will be known as the Schistosomiasis Games, and all participants are promised a parasite to take home with them.  Tons of brightly-coloured powders to throw around, are already being manufactured out of bat guano and elephant droppings.

  1. Who founded the modern Olympics?

Elon Musk did.  Not finding them profitable, or exciting enough, he traded them in for Twitter – which he later Xed out – and a son, to be named Later.

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Remaking Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 said it was Time For Hit Remakes this week.  Who could have recorded the following (your nominations do not have to be singers) or had it for their signature tune?

Cinderella Rockefella

The San Francisco Boys Marching Band, with special guest Elton John, appearing on the Ru-Paul Drag Race TV show.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

2.   I want it all

Vladimir Putin!  😳

3.   I’m just a forlorn boy

Axe Body Spray bought the rights, and used the first eight bars in a commercial.  I’m just a lonely boy…. and showed some Incel dork looking forlorn and dateless.  Then the video moved on to show him dousing overly-liberal spraying himself with their toxic chemical miasma concoction, and suddenly he’s surrounded by 6 good-looking chicks, none of whom seem to mind the presence of the other five.

That advert campaign came to a sudden halt when truthinadvertising.com released a spoof version.  It intercut portions of the original showing Young Reekie, the Axe-man, then it showed six hot females gasping for breath, and grasping for N95 COVID masks and running away, showing that they had a sense of smell, and a sense of taste – or distaste.  👿

4.   Here comes the night

The Silicon Valley Bank Senior Management Choir.  Then they do a Patreon PSA video, titled,
What Happens In LA – stays in our Golden Handshake accounts.

5.   All I have to do is dream

Any new parent, especially new mothers.  When the Terrible Twos Twins are simultaneously teething, the police are getting noise complaints from your neighbours – not about your dog, but because of the yowling young-‘uns.  They never seem to achieve unconsciousness at the same time, so sleep is just something that you read about in a book one time, long, LONG ago.

6.   Wand’rin’ Star

That was Edwin Starr, who had a hit back in ‘69 which asked, “What is the good of war?”  Putin recently sent him a text that just read, “Posterity Project.”

Then he sent me one that absolutely, positively denied that I saw a Russian ZIL that read KGB, in last week’s alphabet soup.  Good thing I don’t own a smart phone, and never got it.  🙄

I tried to listen to the Portishead version of it, but the Suicide Hotline called ME, and told me to turn it off.  😦

7.    Rock On

Tina Turner has redone this old song.  She’s 85!  With a big front veranda, (and her house has one, too) and a mint julep, it has taken on a brand new meaning.  😉

8.   Purple Rain

I have adopted this, at least temporarily, as my Life Motto.  I have absorbed so much COVID sanitizer that when I pee, I also clean the toilet.

9.   When will I see You Again?

This is the new anthem for Beijing.  Between COVID masks, and the worst air quality in the word, it’s creating a lot of identity confusion, and causing some people who want to telephone someone they think they met on the street, to Wing the Wong number.

10.  You can’t hurry love

It’s still $4.99 a minute, but when you get as old as me, sometimes you have to change the batteries in your hearing aids.
EH??  What am I wearing?  Depends!  On What??  On my crotch!  I don’t think I trust an adult incontinence product named Depends any more.  I want one called Fer Shur, or Boulder Dam.