Tag Archives: age

by

F*#king One-Liners

I like to surround myself with people with extensive vocabularies….
….but still say fuck a lot.

If you crossed a fish with an elephant….
….would you get swimming trunks?

Fibonacci’s Soup ingredients….
….Yesterday’s soup – Day before yesterday’s soup….

If at first you don’t succeed….
….try twice more so your error is significant.

An expensive laxative will give you….
….a run for your money.

I have a joke about statistical analysis….
….but it’s mean.

Nothing tops….
….a plain pizza.

Why don’t people from India play soccer?….
….Because, when they go in the corner, they open a store.

The guy who invented the wind chill factor died….
….He was 87, but felt like 75.

Did you hear about the stockbroker who got electrocuted….
….when he shorted Tesla?

I am a bad influence….
….but DAMN, I’m fun!

I wrote a joke about the number 288…
….but it’s two gross.

I gave my History teacher a gift….
….but she didn’t like the present.

I have an economics joke….
….but there’s no demand for it.

Age is not a number….
….It is clearly a word.

I’m not old.  I’m only 39*….
….*plus shipping and handling

I woke up this morning, and nothing hurt….
….I thought I was dead.

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy….
….She changed the subject.

Sign in store window, No Help Wanted….
….I’m going to apply.  I’d be great!

An Ampersand walks into a bar, and is served a free beer….
….A customer says, “Wow, he must be some kind of special character.”

I’m going back to the 80s….
….Anybody want anything?

If a grocery store has a section for health food….
….then what is the rest of the store??

by

WTF One-Liners

How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Whatever!

I have an entomology joke….
….but it clearly bugs everyone.

I retired when I started going blind….
….I just couldn’t see working any longer.

Have you played the updated kids game….
….I Spy With My Little I-Phone?

DRAMA, The word boring people use….
….to describe fun people.

I’m not saying that your perfume is too strong….
….I’m just saying that the canary was alive when you arrived.

I like older women, because they’ve got used to life’s disappointments….
….which means they are ready for me.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass….
….literally.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing, and asked if they were gay….
….They arrested me.

I think sex is better than logic….
….but I can’t prove it.

I’m at the age where….
….I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.

You know you’re getting old when….
….you can’t tell the difference between current band names, and typos.

What’s something you’re too old to do?….
….Give a shit.

The wife claims I turn everything she says to my advantage….
….I take that as a compliment.

Before I got married, I didn’t even know….
….there’s a wrong way to put milk back in the refrigerator.

I was an English major in college….
….in case there’s ever an emergency involving a comma.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….To….
….To, who?….
….To whom.

I went to the world’s greatest psychic, and knocked on her door….
….She said, “Who is it?”

I admit that I live in the past….
….but only because the housing is so much cheaper.

Instead of saying “like,” I now say “such as”….
….because I such as to sound smart.

User: The word computer professionals use….
….when they mean, “Idiot!”

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Only one, but it takes eight visits.

Last week I spotted an albino Dalmatian….
….Seemed like the least I could do for him.

by

Tough Old Bird

After three months of useless boredom, I had to do an exit interview with the nosy bitch dietician at my Cardiac rehabilitation program.

I actually also did an entry interview, which is uncommon for her.  She is often so busy and distracted, that she doesn’t talk to new enrollees until they’ve been in the program for a month – or two.  With me, she had START and STOP data to compare.

She has a high-tech little machine that you stand on, barefoot, and lift a small crossbar.  It sends neuro-electricity through you, to measure muscle and fat mass.  Somehow, it also calculates biological age, as compared to actual calendar age.

During/after my heart surgery, I lost 20 pounds, dropping from 210 pounds, to 190, where I am remaining.  On my admission, it said that my biological age was 67, for a man of 80 years.  She was pleased with that.  She’s had 67 year-old people with a biological age of 80.

While my weight has remained the same, her little toy says that I’ve lost 4-1/2 pounds of belly fat, and gained 4-1/2 pounds of muscle.  I guess all that exercise wasn’t as useless as I thought it was.  On my way to the door, her electronic 8–Ball says that my biological age is now 65.

To justify her position, she babbled about sodium, trans-fats, fiber, and cholesterol.  It took me 80 years to clog up my heart.  Now that it’s been retreaded, it should be good for another 80 years, especially since I’m now taking anti-cholesterol medication.  I may celebrate with an order of poutine.  After six months, the air-fryer that the wife impulse-bought, remains in the basement, in its original packaging.

by

Old-Fashioned Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 wanted some new definitions of some old fashioned words last week.  Possessing a birth certificate with my date of birth in Roman numerals, I was bowled over.  This was right up my alley.

  1. Brabble

That was where Be’er Rabbit said he didn’t want Br’er Fox to throw him.
Please Br’er Fox, don’t throw me in that brabble patch.

  1. Bedward

That was where the wife recently stayed during her hospital visit.  After spending $500 a night at a too-ritzy hotel, we couldn’t afford another $200/day for a private, or semi-private, room.  Our budget, our insurance medical coverage, and Ontario’s socialized medicine, only go so far.

3. Crapulous

I told you not to eat so many of those ripe cherries.  You’ll be in there all day.

4. Elflock

Elflock is the first glimpse you have of yourself in a mirror in the morning, where you’ve combed your hair with a pillow.

5. Expergefactor

I awoke recently, and realized that the adult content answer that I originally had here was perhaps a bit too racy, so I removed the excessively explicit stuff.  We’re asked to keep our answers family-friendly.  Harvey Weinstein and Randy Andy, don’t constitute a family.

6. Groke

Grok /ˈɡrɒk/ is a neologism coined by American writer Robert A. Heinlein.   Oxford English Dictionary summarizes the meaning of grok as “to understand intuitively or by empathy, to establish rapport with.”  ‘Groke’ is simply the past tense of the word.
Do you want me to explain that joke to you??
I got it!  I got it!

7. Grubble

There is no sense in me talking to She Who Must Be Obeyed.  She doesn’t listen.  If she does, she doesn’t hear – she mis-hears – which can lead to interesting conversations about left-handed cake tins.  I just sit in my easy chair and grubble, grubble, grubble!
Did you say something??!
No dear!

8. Lanspresado

This is the latest offering from Starbucks.  They charge 5 Euros/six pence.  The cardboard cup is actually empty, but they use calligraphy to put your name on it in Italic script.

9. Mumpsimus

In a shameless exhibition of self-promotion, click here, if you dare.

10. Rawgabbit

This is what you get from a compulsive talker.  Let them get one word in edgewise, and it’s like tapping the beer barrel at Oktoberfest – a never-ending stream of froth and foam.

Th..Th…That’s all, folks!

by

A Lot Of Comedy

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.  A man leans over to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead.” The woman replies.
The man stands, says the word ‘Plethora,’ and sits down.
“Thanks.” the woman says, “That means a lot.”

***

I told my wife that I thought I’d taken too many sleeping pills.  She told me to have a few drinks, get some sleep, and not worry about it.

***

A woman is taking a shower.  There is a knock on the door.  “Who is it?”  “Blind man!”  So she opens the door.  “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

***

I went to the track.  The horse I bet on was so slow that the jockey kept a diary of the trip.  The horse was so late getting home, that he tiptoed into the stable.

***

I was walking with my girlfriend, when some random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass!”  She was clearly annoyed, and demanded that I say something.  I turned around and said, “Thanx, I’ve been doing squats.”

***

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.” ~Will Rogers

***

The little girl came home from kindergarten, and excitedly told her mother, “Mom, we’ve got a Three-D printer at school.”
Her Mother said, “That’s nice.  What are you guys going to print?”
The daughter looked at her incredulously, and replied, “Three D’s”

***

A man and a boy are sitting on a couch.  The boy says, “Well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.”

***

A woman’s husband didn’t come home one night. The wife asks him where the hell he’d been. He says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive and to sleep at the mate’s place.

She thinks he’s been unfaithful to her, so rings ten of his best friends.
Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.

***

by

T.M.I.

Aghast

26 Things About Me

 

Twenty-six things about me…

A- Age: Just count the rings – uh, 71

B- Biggest fears: I fear nothing – but I’m smart enough to avoid certain things.

C- Current time: 12:34:56 AM

D- Drink you last had: Iced Tea

E- Every day starts with: waking up and checking the obits page

F- Favorite song: Fleetwood Mac – Tusk, YouTube video with USC Marching Band

G- Ghosts, are they real?: Only if you think they are.

H- Hometown: Southampton, Ontario, Canada

I- In love with: Myself – Damn, I’m awesome!

J- Jealous of: No one. I didn’t do all this work to wish I was someone else

K- Killed someone?: In my head? A lot. (Nobody’s actually gonna check – right?)

L- Last time you cried: When I sliced up four pounds of onions for French Onion Soup

M- Middle name: Howard – and one more Archonian secret is revealed

N- Number of siblings: 2 – 1 full brother and 1 half-assed sister

O- One wish: To turn back time.

P- Person you last called: Called what? Oh, daughter, LadyRyl!

Q- Question you’re always asked: Would you like to come to dinner now?

R- Reason to smile: I know – but you don’t even suspect.

S- Song last sung: Eagles – Take It Easy

T- Time you woke up: 7:22 when son got home, 10:36 when bladder insisted, finally 12:54 PM

U- Underwear color: Differently colored bikini briefs every day

V- Vacation destination: Charleston, SC

W- Worst habit: Procrastination.

X- X-Rays you’ve had: Am I still glowing? A lot, recently!

Y- Your favorite food: A lot – potato pancakes/fries & gravy/poutine

Z- Zoos visited! Detroit, as a kid. Not Toronto. Does African Lion Safari count?

 

by

Rocky Birthday

 

newfoundland-map

<- (See Ted?  Over there!)

 

The rocky birthday isn’t mine. That will occur on the weekend, and you’ll be able to hear about it without even turning your computers on.  With all my abilities, I couldn’t organize an orgasm in a bordello, but, I kinda, sorta, wanna organize a Happy Birthday party for a blog-buddy of mine.

I would like everybody who visits this site, today, Sept. 17th, or even over the next couple of days, to click on http://sightsnbytes.wordpress.com/ and wish my friend Ted a happy birthday.  He may need some cheering up, because today he turns 51, and joins me on the wrong side of the half century mark.  I wouldn’t mind if you mentioned this post.

The rocky reference isn’t just about birthday numbers. Ted lives on Newfoundland, our easternmost province.  It juts out into the cold North Atlantic, like Canada’s ass hanging over the edge of a bed.  Its residents lovingly refer to it as “The Rock.”  Fortunately, Ted lives on the western coast area, where you’re slightly less likely to find an iceberg in your back yard bay.

Like many of us, Ted has worked at a variety of jobs, to support himself, and now, a new wife, and a stepson he cherishes, and seems to be making a great father to. He’s worked at jobs he liked, but didn’t pay great, and he’s worked at jobs he was overqualified for, didn’t like, and which didn’t pay great.  He recently published a post about them, and about going back to university as a mature student to better himself.

He’s finally obtained a job he likes and which allows him to support the wife and young’un in the style they all deserve. Things are simpler and slower on The Rock.  Used to life in urban areas where you can walk to work, he’s now dismayed at the prospect of a 45 minute commute.

His retraining was in Information Technology, I T.  He has graciously helped me, and others, with problems here on WordPress.  The pictures like the map at the top, which I now sprinkle throughout my posts, are there because he told the wife and me how. He explained it to the wife, and, a year later, she finally got it through to me.

Ted and his Rock are a little removed from the usual hustle and bustle of “civilization.” The well-written posts on his site are bucolic, and often about life at a slower pace.  They limn the fascinating life and times – the friends, and family, and neighbors – of a most interesting writer.

I suggest you visit, and sign up for a rewarding ride. Don’t forget to wish him a Happy Birthday!  I won’t.

Happy Birthday, from the old fart, ARCHON

Birthday Cake(I didn’t know which you liked more, so I got you a chocolate one.)