Tag Archives: arguments

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Tex-Mex Humor

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class.  Who’s ready to learn how to dance??
Me: hiding bag of tortilla chips  There’s been a mistake.

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I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

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We were doing icebreakers at a business meeting, and asked what everyone’s favorite Beatles song was.  The boss’s answer – “Satisfaction.”
No-one corrected him.

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A man walked into a medical clinic, and told the receptionist that he had a 1:30 appointment.  “Which doctor?” she asked.  “No thanks, just a regular one.” he replied.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

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I’m at that age where my mind thinks that I’m still 29, my humor suggests that I’m 12, and my body keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

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An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope.

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

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Stolen One-Liners

 

I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

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Dumb American One-Liners

Why are Americans so dumb?….
….They shoot the ones who go to school

Why don’t Americans switch to metric?….
….They have a foot fetish.

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
….there would be mass confusion.

Why is American IT Support so poor?….
….They have no troubleshooting.

I’ve heard that 8/10 Americans have trouble with math….
….I’m glad I’m in the other 2%.

My therapist says I have problems expressing emotion….
….Can‘t say I’m surprised.

I wanted to remarry my ex-wife….
….but she figured out I was only after my money.

No sense being pessimistic….
….It wouldn’t work, anyway.

Don’t clean with alcohol….
….Nothing gets done after the first bottle, anyway.

Look both ways….
….before crossing a woman.

We are drowning in information….
….while starving for wisdom.

I’m a responsible adult….
….Just last week I purchased a vegetable.

You never know what you have….
….until you clean your room.

Just wanted you to know that someone cares….
….Not me! But someone.

I visited a Doritos farm today….
….What a cool ranch.

Radioactive cats….
….have 18 half-lives.

I’m at a good place right now….
….Not emotionally.  I’m just at a bar.

Keep your temper….
….Nobody else wants it.

Free Viagra….
….for applicants who want to work hard.

Even on Gilligan’s Island, they listened….
….to the professor, not the millionaire.

I was going to share a joke about dogs….
….but it was really far-fetched.

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Some Fine Humor

One day, a man says to his wife, “It’s a fine day.”
The next day, he again says, “It’s a fine day.”
This continues for about a week.  Finally she demands to know why he keeps saying it.  He replies, “Last week we had that big argument, and you said that you’d leave me one fine day.  I’m just reminding you.

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A vampire bat arrives back at the roost, with his face, mouth and teeth covered in blood.  All the other bats get excited, and ask him where he got it.  “Follow me,” he says, and off they fly, over the hills and the river, into the forest.  “See that tree over there??” he asks.  “Yeah, yeah.”  “Well, I f**king didn’t”

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Alzheimer’s goes to the doctor

A guy is in a doctor’s office. His doctor is there with him.
“I have two pieces of bad news,” the doctor says.
“What are they?”
“Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer.”
“What’s the second piece of news?” he asks.
“Well, the second piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer’s.”
The man laughs and says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

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A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at the sandwich. Then his eyes shot over to the $5 bill. He looked at the sandwich again, then back at the cash. After a moment his eyes were darting back and forth between the two, and he threw up his hands in despair, let out a scream of anguish and then turned and ran away from me.

At first I was totally confused, but then it dawned on me: Beggars can’t be choosers.

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Judge: Members of the jury.  Before we began, the Plaintiff’s lawyer gave me an envelope containing $5000 cash.  Then, the Defendant’s lawyer handed me an envelope with $10,000 cash.  So, I’ve decided to return $5000 to the Defendant’s lawyer, and we will try this case on the merits.

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What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

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I love bacon!  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It helps take my mind off the terrible chest pains that I get.

I choked on a carrot this morning.  All I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t do that to me.

Nothing spoils as good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

It only takes one slow-moving person in q grocery store, to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.

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Neighborly One-Liners

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument….
….is the next-door neighbor.

Vodka mixes well with everything….
….except decisions.

There are two kinds of people in this world….
….I avoid them.

I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m up $150….
….I love being a mailman.

If I’ve learned anything in my 23 years on this Earth….
….It’s okay to lie about your age.

I’m first in line at Paranoids Anonymous….
….Everyone else is after me.

I never run with scissors….
….Those last two words were unnecessary.

I’m really getting older….
….My doctor just referred me to an archeologist.

What this country needs….
….are more unemployed politicians.

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%….
…. of what little joy in life you still have.

I can’t be held responsible for what….
….my face does when you talk.

A perfectionist walks into a bar, but immediately leaves….
….Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Bacon is actually the second reason I’m not a vegan….
….I’m not a moron, being the first.

Last night I dreamed I was an automobile muffler….
….I woke up exhausted.

I’m beginning think that, for some people….
….the wheels on their bus do not go ‘round and ‘round.

When you said “Friends with benefits”….
….I thought you owned a taco truck.

When people bring up my hell-raising past….
….I remind them that Jesus dropped all the charges.

Girls nowadays are like a box of chocolates….
….Some of them have nuts.

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Symmetry/Asymmetry

In an argument or discussion, most people expect the other guy to think and act the same way they do.

Those who raise questions about the God hypothesis and the soul hypothesis are by no means all atheists.  An atheist is someone who is certain that God does not exist, someone who has compelling evidence against the existence of God.  I know of no such compelling evidence.  Because God can be relegated to remote times and places and to ultimate causes, we would have to know a great deal more about the universe than we do to be sure that no such God exists.  To be certain of the existence of God and to be certain of the nonexistence of God seem to me to be the confident extremes in a subject so riddled with doubt and uncertainty as to inspire very little confidence indeed.
    —    Carl Sagan

I am disappointed that normally clear-thinking Carl Sagan once said this, but I am not surprised that he did, or that I recently found it offered as some sort of rebuttal/argument, on some Christian Apologist’s blog-site.

(Almost) no Atheist claims to know for certain, that God does not exist.  Rather, they claim to know that the very concept of a God is not coherent, and every definition and description that they have been presented with, lacks sufficient convincing evidence to be believable.

The problem is not with the Theist’s God, or its existence.  It is with the Theist’s arguments and presentation.  Faith is not a virtue.  It is the excuse that people give when they don’t have a good reason to support their Theistic beliefs.  If they had a good reason, they would present that.

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Personal Preference Prayer

Jesus is coming!  Look busy – but not stupid.

She said:

Some signs of Jesus return are familiar (earthquakes, wars, famines, rumors of wars, persecution, etc.), others, not so much. Over the course of the next few weeks I will discuss some of the lesser known signs of end time events. The first is found in Matthew twenty-four, a long discourse on the end of the age. It says;  

I responded:  There are 55 earthquakes each day, there have been wars, and rumors of wars, every day for the last 2000 years. There has not been a day without famine, or the persecution of someone or some group, it’s just life, and the World, as usual…. still no sign of Christ returning.

After deep and careful thought, she sent back, 2nd Peter 3:3-9

What a wonderful answer!  What a marvelous riposte!  I am truly impressed. (Insert sarcasm here!) Instead of going to First Peter 3:15, where it says that you are responsible for providing proof for what you believe, you give another passage which makes it seem as if  I am somehow responsible to accept your personal delusions.

Having been shown that all the mystical signs and omens that you listed are constant and continuous, do you have any actual evidence that the imminent return of Christ is any more likely today, than it was last week – last month – last year – last century – last millennium??

Another End-Timer called the Atheist Experience program to claim that The Rapture was right around the corner, because of COVID19.  Never before, in the history of Man, have we had such a world-wide disease which killed so many people.  Apparently, his fire-and-brimstone preacher didn’t tell him about the 1916 Spanish Flu (Which, by the way, began in Oklahoma – but we can’t blame America.) which killed more people around the world than did World War I.  Or the Black Plague, in the mid-14th century, which killed a third to a half of Europe.

These morose and dismal Necromongers are the reason that the Holy Catholic Church ruled that suicide was a sin – even though it wasn’t.  To paraphrase the antagonist in The DaVinci Code, “One day it wasn’t a sin.  The next day it had been ruled that it was.”

In the early centuries of Christianity, life for European peasants was so brutal, and the allure of a perfect after-life was so strong, that hundreds and thousands of them committed suicide and killed their families, to go to Heaven.  In some areas, there weren’t enough of them left to feed and serve the nobles.  Some petty King or Emperor beseeched the Pope to stop it, and, VOILA, a new infallible rule!  😮

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Re-Ordering Prejudices

Some people believe that they are thinking, when they are really just re-ordering their prejudices.

I have to be very careful what I say to my Osteopath.  I don’t want to have to find a new one.  She’s an Evangelical Baptist.  She wasn’t raised as one.  She got it as a wedding present from her second husband.  Like a NEW anything, she’s taking it far too seriously.

At a recent visit, she was bragging about how she was brought up, and that her mother wasn’t biased, bigoted, or prejudiced.  Her best-friend neighbors across the street were a Negro family, she worked with an African woman, and a couple of new families on the block were Indian immigrants, and she got along well with them all.

She once said to her daughter, “People in other countries are just like us.  They get up and go to work or school like us.  We should respect them.”  Okay so far.  Then I mentioned a woman who I’d helped with a rail-travel problem.  I said that she had to go to Toronto to train as a wedding officiant.   👿

Hmmph, Atheist
Secular Humanist
Whatever they want to call themselves now.
They want to call themselves what they are.
If people don’t want to get married in a church, they should just go to a JP.
Perhaps they want a memorable ceremony, but just not a religious ceremony.
What’s wrong with a religious ceremony?
An officiant is often used at mixed-religion marriages.  Perhaps the Catholic doesn’t want to attend a Jewish Synagogue.  Maybe the Muslim doesn’t want to go to an Eastern Orthodox Temple.  Possibly the Moron Mormon doesn’t want to get married in a Christian Science reading room.

Until I identified her as a Secular Humanist, the officiant could have been a cross-carrying Catholic, trying to make a few extra bucks.  The Osteopath didn’t seem to be convinced, or very happy about how the discussion had gone.

The wife piped up to say that she doesn’t argue with me anymore, because My logic, and My Wordsmith abilities, always prove her wrong – like I have access to some special kind of logic that’s not  available to her.  When I prove someone wrong, it’s because they are wrong.  All you have to do to win, is present believable evidence.  In a discussion about any other topic, it may be possible to convince someone that they are mistaken.  Only with religion are the views so iron-bound.

I have carefully not used the term Atheist about any of the family, to her, but I did tell her that the Grandson and his wife used an Officiant (Not this one) at their ceremony in the Historic Mill-House in the park, to accommodate an inclusive array of religious and non-religious guests.
😀

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In The Mood For One-Liners

I’m not saying that my wife is moody, but….
….she could start a fight in an empty house.

When she speaks….
….you never run out of things to listen to.

I sabotaged an origami contest….
….The judges are waiting to see what unfolds.

Being Canadian is never having to apologize….
….for saying you’re sorry.

If you don’t take the time to pack your parachute properly….
….you’re jumping to a hasty conclusion.

The entire world sucks….
….If it didn’t, we’d all fall off….
….People don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you guys were arguing….
….over the glass of water, I drank it, The Opportunist.

I contracted mood poisoning….
….must be something I hate.

The Bible verse I love….
….Lunch: 11:30

What exercise program do you use to get The Body of Christ?….
….CrossFit.  Nailed it!

My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night….
….Nearly took my eye out.

I told myself that I should stop drinking….
….but I’m not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

I went to the worst faith healer ever yesterday….
….He was so bad, some guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

My dermatologist friend….
….started his career from scratch.

I got kicked out of the Peripheral Vision Club….
….I didn’t see that coming.

Why did the Vegan cross the road?….
….To tell someone that he was a Vegan.

Google Translate – Thoughts and prayers….
….= I don’t give a fuck.

My new year’s resolution is to read more….
…. So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

Ideas for getting more exercise this year….
….Move the cookies.  Buy a heavier kettle.

Fold your worries into paper airplanes….
….Turn them into flying fucks.

I went to a costume party at a bar, dressed as a tennis ball….
….I got served.

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Tardy Response To A Theme Prompt

What was the last thing you searched for online? Why were you looking for it?

When you know as little as I do, and forget much of it before I even get up from my computer chair, I am forever searching for something – often, several simultaneous somethings.

Sometimes, my online research is not just for the information, but also for some entertainment irritation.  When things have been going too smoothly, the wife has not been biting my ass, and my grip on reality’s throat is slipping, I resort to research.  It usually works.

Our chiropractor/massage therapy clinic is in a strip-mall.  To add a hearing-aid department, they moved two stores up, to a double-width unit. At our last visit, I noticed that the old unit now has a window sign that says, “Coming soon, El Tico Restaurant.”  I made a note to find out what ‘tico’ meant.  The next day’s paper had a local-interest story about a Costa Rican family who were the proprietors.

I went to Google Translate.  Across the top, there are the three languages that I’ve most recently looked at – usually French, Spanish, and German, and a spot that says, Detect Language.  I had been researching Hebrew, so the ‘Spanish’ had disappeared.  I clicked ‘detect language.’  I knew that ’el’ means ‘the,’ so I just typed in tico.
English detected
From English, translated to English, Tico = Tico

GNUNGA!!  I woke up on the wrong side of my patience this morning afternoon.  Don’t press your luck. No, it doesn’t!  ‘Tico” is a slang term for someone from Costa Rica.  English speakers occasionally say or write it, but it is not naturalized.  It’s still slang Spanish.

I clicked on ’Spanish’ and entered tico.
Spanish detected
From Spanish, translated to English, Tico = Tico

I don’t care if you are just an AI chatbot, I will slap you so hard that all your little 1’s and 0’s look like Ø’s!  I entered ‘el Tico.’  “The attic.”  Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place??!  It’s an ironic name for a strip-mall business with no second floor.

You should have heard the argument I had with Bing about “Cheap hotels in Uhrichsville,” over entries that were 50 and 75 miles away.  Or a “Cheap restaurant in Uhrichsville,” that had four “sittings” a night.  Perhaps in another post.  🙄