Tag Archives: babies

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Blog Theme Prompt – What Romance Means To Me

I envy those who marry for love – I really do, but despite the almost universal consensus of feel-good books and movies, I actually see it so seldom.  I only personally know of two couples who did it – and in one case, it was his fourth attempt, and her second – although, after more than ten years, it seems to be working.

My 35-year-old, divorced Mother returned to our home town.  Quite soon, friends and family introduced her to a 28-year-old bachelor from a nearby town – because they both needed to be married. There was some respect and admiration, but it was several years before they learned to live as a unit.  There were some sharp points that never got filed off.

Her younger, fail-to-launch brother lived at home until their parents both died, and he inherited the house.  Then, he needed someone to cook and clean.  The same group found him a war-widow from the same town as my Dad.  Their marriage lasted many years, but could best be described as an alcohol-soaked armed truce.

At least my 16-year-old sister waited until she married her hard-drinking, partier boyfriend, before she started popping out babies.  My brother quietly married his girlfriend shortly after they found that she was pregnant.  She waited till he went to work one Friday, and moved herself, their two high school-aged daughters, and almost all the furniture, out.

With my low-level autism/Aspergers, I didn’t (and don’t) catch social cues well.  In retrospect, I think there were a couple of females who made overtures, but I was not socially, emotionally, or financially ready for marriage.  If I’d got some girl pregnant, we’d have wound up living in a dead-end small town, with me working at a gas station, as my brother did for a while.

I absorbed as much education/training as I could, and got my first real, full-time job, before I married the first woman who seemed willing to put up with me.  This was the one who bragged to the neighbors that she married a smart man, because smart men made more money – enough to support her in the style that she wished to become accustomed to.  This was a socio-economic pact, similar to Middle Ages marriage contracts.  I do something for her, and our growing family, and she does something for me and the kids.

Her older siblings all seemed to have moved out and got married to escape an arrogant, overbearing, abusive, Catholic-crazy father.  Of the eight siblings, only one couple ever seemed to show true love and affection.  The rest were all the result of social expectation and financial support.  Romance did not seem to be in common supply.

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Childish Humor

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

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A woman walked out of the bank and suddenly realized she didn’t have her car keys.
She rushed back inside, searched her purse, and gasped:
“Oh no—I must have left the keys in the car!”
Running to the parking lot, she froze. The car was gone.
Panicked, she called the police, reported the car stolen, and even gave them the license plate number.
Then came the hardest call of her life… to her husband.
Stammering, she said, “Honey, the car’s been stolen. I left the keys inside!”

Her husband thundered: “Are you kidding me? I DROPPED you off at the bank—you didn’t even take the car!”  The woman sighed in relief, “Thank God!”  Then she asked, “Can you come pick me up?”
Her husband replied: “Gladly… just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal our own car!”

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My wife sent me a sweet text that read,
“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

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Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, my wife got badly attacked by a warthog, and I need someone to come up with an ambulance to come pick her up”.

Dispatcher: “Ok, sir, can you give me your address?”

Caller: Yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive.”

Dispatcher: “Ok, could you spell that for me, sir?”

After a slight pause.

Caller: “Erm, I’m going to drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there.”

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Subcontracted Fibbing Friday

With grateful acknowledgments, and many thanx to daughter Lady Ryl, who geniused the large majority of this post.

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Last week, Pensitivity101 was after our alternative definitions of these familiar words:

1. What is a fib?

This is the newly minted *Federal Imbroglio Bureau*…  soon to replace the FBI.

2. What is a crib?

That special mobile hen house that homesteaders use to keep the chickens safe while they hunt and peck for their daily feed.

3.What is a bib?

The new acronym/slang for a pregnant female – *Baby In Belly*

4. What is a titfer?

What those crazy hillbillies call a nursing mother.

5. What is an antler?

When a metal artist uses an ant mound to pour molten metal into and creates branched art pieces.

6. Define staunch.

The smell of a group of politicians spewing their typical garbage all over the place, not particularly pleasant and usually foaming from the mouth.

7. What is a paunch?

A group of political roadies, that follow, support, and cheer on their favourites like a person would a sports team.

8. What is a launch?

A trencherman’s mid-day meal

9. What is a nub?

Individuals that are sure their Google-fu is better than anything a team of scientists, doctors or other learned professionals have studied, tested or proven.

10. What is a hub?

What some wives call their insignificant others

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Spinning a Yarn FF

Last week’s Fibbing Friday questions were provided by Jim Adams
https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/

Thanks Jim.

 

1.Rumpelstiltskin spun straw into gold in exchange for what?

Bitcoin.

2. What did humans do before the bobbin was invented?

The drunken sport of getting apples out of a tub of water without using your hands, involved spears.

3. What is the difference between knitting and crocheting?

In crocheting, you can’t use the cutesy pun, TINKing to describe unknitting stitches to correct a mistake.

4. What does a drop spindle do?

Dispenses liquid dough into hot oil, at the doughnut-ball fair food kiosk.

5. What does a painted pony have to do with a spinning wheel?

George Dubya said that he tried marijuana, but he didn’t inhale.  Barack Obama was honest enough to admit that he inhaled.  THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!  If you can quote 1969 lyrics, you didn’t inhale, you didn’t drop out, and you didn’t drop acid – which might explain a painted pony.

Pedantic BTW:  The Blood, Sweat & Tears song doesn’t sing about a yarn-making spinning-wheel.  It refers to the constantly-spinning Wheel of Life.

6. If you stick a needle in your eye, does that show sincerity?

I have never seen the word Stupidity spelled like that.  I have let four doctors, on three occasions, stick needles in my eyes.  I Can See Clearly Now.

7. What was Barthélemy Thimonnier known for?

He was the famous opera singer that the Singer sewing machine was named after.  It was a much better marketing ploy.  Just imagine owning a Thimonnier.

8. What happened in the Golden Age of sewing?

Special clothing was made for King Midas.

9. What breed of sheep makes the best wool?

It’s a breed called “Pittsburgh,” developed by US Steel on a farm just outside the city.  My mother used the yarn to knit a Volkswagen.

10. What happens when the cotton field gets rotten?

You’d better not get sick.  You won’t be able to get medications out of their containers, because you can’t pick very much cotton.

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Sadly Amusing

What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard someone say??  The following is a collection of some real gems.

Someone in our group lost a flip-flop in a river.  We all watched it float downstream.
Someone else in the group said just to be patient, because eventually it will do a full loop and come back.

I dated a girl who thought that sea-horses were the size of real horses.
She was so disappointed at the aquarium.

I was solving a Rubik’s Cube.  Some guy asked me how many sides it had, and could I make them all blue.

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) thought that the island of Guam could tip over if too many people got on one side.

I dated a girl who thought that “the hole in the ozone layer” was where the space shuttle came through to land.

A woman at a neo-natal clinic thought that her baby’s soft spot was what he breathed through, like a whale’s blowhole.

My wife has a friend who honestly believes that you should not go out during a full moon, because you will get moonburn.

“What year did this happen?”
We were watching Lord of the Rings!

I had to break the news to a couple of kids that, when you are grown-up, you don’t get summers off.  I felt bad, but they deserve to know, I guess.  To be fair, they both had mothers who didn’t really have regular jobs, and it didn’t occur to them, because their mothers were home with them all summer.

Years ago, I was watching MTV Street Smarts with a man I had recently met.  The question asked on the show was to put these events in chronological order, from oldest to most recent – the civil war, walking on the moon, and the Ice Age.  I snorted, and joked about what a ridiculous question it was.  He did not seem to be amused, so I asked him, You know this, right?  He replied, “I’m not good with dates.”

If you drink a Coke, and then a diet Coke, the calories cancel out.

You have your facts, and I’ll have my facts.
It’s crazy how many grown adults still don’t understand that opinions are not facts, or worse, that opinions can be facts if spoken loud enough.

I had someone in a college history class, seriously and with a straight face, ask who this Hitler guy was, halfway through a WW II unit.  We all just stared at her for 5 seconds.  Then the professor told her, “Come see me in my office after class.  You’ve got some catching up to do.”  Bless him.  He handled it so well.

I’m allergic to Oxygen.
I asked if they meant Oxycodone, but no, they insisted they were allergic to Oxygen.

Years ago, a guy I worked with said, “Those people in Ireland must not be paying their taxes.  The IRS keeps bombing their homes.”  That’s not the IRS, you idiot!  It’s the IRA!  That’s what I meant, the Internal Revenue Association.

I was microwaving some leftover food.  I hit the 1 for one minute.  My friend asked, “Why did you hit one minute?  I usually just put mine in for 60 seconds.”  I had to explain that they were the same thing.  We were in high school together.
I explained to another friend that 90 seconds was the same as 1:30.  They insisted that 1:30 was more, and called me crazy.

A manager at my old job asked me if Alaska was an island near Hawaii.  That’s what it looked like on the map.  They also asked if they could get an STD from breathing the same air as a person with an STD.  And they were in charge….  🙄

When I worked at Starbucks, it was a common question from customers to explain the difference between a hot drink, and an iced drink.

I don’t have a girlfriend because females are intimidated by my career
He was the Assistant Manager at an Outback Steakhouse.

A guy I worked with told me that he was trying to lose weight by cutting down on pasta.
I haven’t had pasta in three weeks, and I’ve lost 10 pounds.
That’s awesome, but what do you have in your hand there?
Mac and cheese.
I thought you said you haven’t had pasta.
I haven’t.  This is mac and cheese.

How long does it take for the meat to grow back on the cow after you shave it off?

There’s no difference between turkey and ham.  They both come from birds.
I guess pigs really can fly in their world.
A college friend very seriously asked, If beef comes from cows, and pork comes from pigs, what animal does chicken come from?

I knew someone who thought that the sun and the moon were the same thing.  She was 18, and just graduated high school.

“Well, she never got pregnant before.” after his girlfriend got pregnant, and I asked him why he didn’t use protection.

While I was at an orientation for a Masters Program at Yale, I mentioned that I was from New Mexico.  Another person who had got into Yale for a graduate program asked me what the immigration process had been like.  I like to tell this story to anyone who acts as if an Ivy League education is somehow a mark of intelligence.

…. Chicken parm isn’t vegan??

These fireworks got wet.  I’m gonna dry them off in the microwave.

My daughter just tried to tell me that plutonium doesn’t come from Pluto.  Oh well, it’s good she’s cute.

The wife’s older brother argued with her Grade 9 Science textbook, where it said that white is the combination of all colors, and black is the absence of color, because everybody knows that white is no color, and black is all the colors mixed together.

😮

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Slinging Slang Fibbing Friday

It’s crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide. = You’d be crazy to try to bribe a cop with counterfeit money.

Pensitivity101 wanted us to slang yer hook last week, and dropped some slang phrases/words for you.
Go on, give ’em your best shot! Have fun!

Fo-shizzle

This is what happens when you gorge yourself, and eat an entire package of Swedish fish.  Those things are full of water-soluble oils and paraffin wax.  They will lubricate your digestive system so well that you’ll spend more time sitting on the throne than Queen Elizabeth II.

Crunk

Crunk is the past participle of ‘Crank.’  I’ve been an old crank for so long, now that I’m retired, I’ve been designated an Honorary Crunk.

Booyah

That’s a compulsive heckler who can’t really decide whether he hates the performance…. or not.

Gnarly

It’s a mean, junkyard dog with a lisp.

Outtie

My strange uncle, who’s been on everybody’s gaydar for years, finally decided to start flying the LGBTQ+ Pride Flag.

Phat
It’s a Latin word for a person with an eating disorder.

What’s Crackalackin?

That’s how OB/GYNs tell boy babies from girl babies.

Cowabunga

You know how some seafood restaurants let you choose which lobster you want?….  I have to drive out to the farm, but my favorite steak-joint lets me do the same thing.
I’ll take the one with the big butt that looks like a Kardashian.

Ankle biter

Ankle-biters are a form of torture that many women inflict on themselves to attract men.  If they knew what they’d end up with, they’d choose a burqa and a Taser.  They are pairs of – if you’ll excuse the expression – shoes.  They begin at the front with a mediaeval thumbscrew type of cap, big enough for about one and a half toes, into which they jam all five – what comfort…

Behind this is a ramp, reminiscent of downhill skiing, perched on a ridiculously high heel.  There is often very little leather to contain the foot – apparently to satisfy foot fetishists, who give ‘ankle-biters’ a whole different meaning.  Therefore, they are held in place with tough leather straps, tightened down with buckles.

After an evening of dining and dancing, it’s a wonder that blood is not flowing down the leg, although pain and damage can be reduced by wearing Kevlar stockings.

All that and a bag of chips.

That’s my standard order at my neighbourhood drive-thru.  They know me.
May I take your order?
Yes.  I’d like….
Just pull up Archon, we’ve got it ready.

 

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Running Into One-Liners

I’ve found that running is a great way to meet new people….
….Unfortunately, they’re paramedics.

That has too much cheese on it….
….said no-one, ever!

That little scrolly thing to pick the year I was born….
….is getting pretty far.

I learn from the mistakes….
….of people who took my advice.

Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance….
….the 5 stages of waking up.

I’m at the point in life where….
….running errands counts as going out.

Why does the radio stop to tell you….
….that they play non-stop music?

What does a panda cook with?….
….A pan – Duh!

Hyphenated /Non-hyphenated….
….The irony.

If I had a DeLorean, I would probably drive it….
….from time to time.

I react to the word “Tacos”….
….the same way dogs react to the word “Walk.”

Nothing is more difficult than trying to….
….discipline the “You” out of Your child.

A bossy guy walks into a bar and….
….orders everyone a round.

You don’t realize how many people you don’t like….
….until you have to name a baby.

If a bag is non-resealable….
….it contains one serving.

Back in my day, panic buying was….
….when the bartender yelled ‘Last call.’

75% of arguments start….
….because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Is there ever a day when….
….mattresses aren’t on sale?

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated….
….but can’t pronounce it.

Introverts unite!  Separately….
….in our own homes.

If you want to impress me with your vehicle….
….it better be a food truck.

It’s time to switch out my regular anxiety….
….for my festive, holiday anxiety.

Fitting into my clothes after Christmas….
….is going to be the real holiday miracle.

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Big Shot

I hear many some a few couple of you asking, Archon!  Why aren’t you shooting off your mouth about shooting off several handguns, like you promised back in July?”

It’s like being nibbled to death by ducks.  Want to make God laugh??  Tell him your plans.  😦 What follows is a sad tale of Karma and bureaucracy run wild.

The Grandson’s wife phoned Employment Canada on three separate occasions, to assure that his paternity leave would seamlessly kick in at the end of her maternity leave.  NO PROBLEM!  She called again on November 2, to ask if two unused weeks of her mat. leave could be added to his pat. leave.

Suddenly, there was a signed, physical document that needed to have been in their file by Halloween.  Despite having booked off eight weeks with his employer, now the Government would not pay for it – oh, and her two unused weeks were forfeit.

With a young child and all accoutrements, he recently purchased their first (used) car, and is making monthly payments.  Then he got COVID.  Fortunately, neither his wife nor the little guy was infected.  With two main inoculations and a booster, it wasn’t bad, although her younger brother, who is seeking employment, had to come over for a few days to care for two babies.

The woman who had agreed to become babysitter/daycare about the end of December, wasn’t yet getting that weekly payment, so she applied and got a job.  Search and negotiations for a replacement are still ongoing.

Bad enough that the Employment Canada tentacle of the Federal octopus snatched away ten weeks of benefits, the Income Tax Department tentacle now added insult and injury.  The tax return that he had filed, and was accepted, back in April was re-reviewed, and for some reason, he owed $2300 – payable NOW!  There just is not, currently, the $250 available to pay for this gift.

Meanwhile, over at the gun shop….  They finally emailed him to inform that they did not have a previously-fired Berretta 92F, to substitute for a Glock.  The package had to be accepted as-is.  Oh well…. okay.  He and I had both assumed that we could just make a mutually agreeable appointment time – perhaps one afternoon during his time off.

The gun-shop does not want the clerk to be away from the main sales area for a random hour.  They are trying to book enough clients to fill an entire day, but especially with the resurgence of COVID, they are finding it almost impossible to do.  Neither of us is giving up hope.  It’s just that this little dream might not get fulfilled until this time next year.  If it ever comes to fruition, you’ll be the first second to know.  😀

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A Habit Of Telling One-Liners

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year….
….then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter.

Behind every successful man….
….is a woman with nothing to wear.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”….
….I said, “Where did that come from?”

I got a job at a bicycle factory….
….I’m their new spokesman.

The dinner I was cooking for the family was going to be a surprise….
….until the fire trucks ruined it.

I never know what to do with gossip….
….so I just pass it on.

One way to stop a runaway horse….
….is to bet on him.

I consider other opinions….
….I consider most of them stupid.

There are two kinds of men who don’t understand women….
….Bachelors, and husbands.

If you don’t remember my name, just say “Donuts”….
…..I’ll turn around and look.

When I found out that my toaster isn’t waterproof….
….I was shocked.

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork….
….but bigger ones need a crane.

The world’s oldest man just died….
….Why does this keep happening?

A bargain is something that you don’t need….
….at a price you can’t resist.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home….
….even if you wish they were.

I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus….
….That’s how I lost my job as a driver.

A can opener that doesn’t work….
….is a can’t opener.

The female neighbor said she’d do things my wife wouldn’t, for $20….
….She ironed four shirts.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills….
….Everyone says they work twice as hard when I’m around.

If every day is a gift, I want a receipt for Monday….
….I want to exchange it for another Friday.

I got a job in a paperless office….
….Everything was great till I needed to use the washroom.

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Kindergarten Comedy

My Kindergarten students are learning to read.  Recently one of them pointed to a picture in a book and said, “Look, a frickin’ elephant.”
Taking a deep breath, I asked why he had called it that.
“Cuz it says so in the book.”
And so it does – African elephant.

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My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a “s*ithead.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

***

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.

He finds one and then begs “Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father’s in a fight.”

Well, they get back to the bar and there’s three guys fighting like you wouldn’t believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one’s your father?”

The kid looks up at the cop and says, “I don’t know, officer, that’s what they’re fighting about.”

***

A Polish man walks into a store and asks to buy 2 pounds of Polish sausage. The guy behind the counter asks him if he is Polish. “I resent that…”. The Polish man says. “If I asked for chorizo, would you assume I was Mexican? If I asked for Bratwurst, would you assume I was German?” The guy behind the counter says “Nope, I’d still think you were Polish… This is a hardware store!!”

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A new father and a nurse were filling out the paperwork for the birth of his new daughter.  “What’s the baby’s name?” she asked.
He replied, “Kelsey Noelle.”
Confused, the nurse asks, “How do you spell Kelsey, with no L??”

***

When I was young, I was poor.  Now, after long years of hard, honest work…. I am no longer young.

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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself, “I’m going to get tossed out of IKEA any minute now.