Tag Archives: beer

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Fibbing Friday #310

Pensitivity101 was recycling her questions from July 2021, last week. What did I make of these? But I repeat myself.

1. What is a skiff?

It’s what I – and a bunch of other old geezers – have left on the top of our heads.  First it turned white from fright.  Now it’s leaving me faster than my schoolmates, on the obituary page.

2. What is a liner?

That’s the magic potion that’s mentioned in the online advert that says, Ladies, if you are over 40, this is the cosmetic that you should use, to draw attention away from the fact that you have the skin tone of a Sultana raisin.

3. What is a ferry?

It’s one of those self-deluded psychotics who dress up in fuzzy costumes, and believe that their ‘spirit animal’ is Fawzi Bear.

4. What is a destroyer?

A toddler on a mission to play with every toy (and non-toy) in the house!

5. What is a cruiser?

He’s a handsome, dashing young fellow who provides assistance and crowd control at roller-skating rinks..  Now that it’s making a comeback – at least in my area – I may have a new hobby/part—time job, in my retirement.  I’ll discuss it with my therapist.

6. What is a galleon?

It is the amount of gasoline/petrol that you get at the pumps these days for Antonio’s my pound of flesh.

7. What is a pedlow?

The name of Jeffrey Epstein’s estate, on his getaway island.

8. What is a kayak?

An indecisive ditherer, who is not sure if they are coming or going.

9. What is a schooner?

A glass tanker tankard of rich, October ale, that sails down the pub bar-top, and docks in front of me.

10. What is a coracle?

A method of birth-control used by Eskimos.  I just use my looks and personality.

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Fibbing Friday #302

Pensitivty101 had some rerun fun with the questions last week.

1. What are florins, tanners and bobs?

Varietals of high-society marijuana that you can obtain at dispensaries

2. What is Dead Man’s Fingers?

Slow heart rate, and restricted blood circulation – If I lived in Britain, I could chill my own beer

3. What killed the Triffids?

Trump’s tariffs

4. What’s the difference between a buck and a quid?

The difference between a buck and a quid, is a little bit of cross-dressing, dahling!

5. How much is an old crown worth?

Being First In Line for 60 years – Boring
Dumping a beauty-contest winner, and marrying a horse – Got a letter from Freud
Finally getting to sit on the throne – Priceless

6. What can be known as a ‘Little Gem’?

Whatever it’s called, most men can’t find it, or don’t bother to stop and search.

7. What is pearl barley?


Rerun question??  Rerun answer!  I can be only so creative.
Alternate response – soup for supper

8. Finish the sentence: ‘I came, I saw, I………………..’

….did a gag about this, last week.

9. Who said ‘Smile, it enhances your face value’?

Benjamin Franklin

10. Where on the human body is the zygomatic bone found?

The zygomatic bone is harder to find than Waldo.  Let’s face it, I have no idea.

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Fibbing Friday #291

Mixed bag from Pensitivity101’s brain last week. Your definitions or insights on these please.

1. What is an heirloom?

It’s a valuable, antique, cloth-making device that I received from my Grandmother’s estate.

2. What is The Big Dipper?

That’s what I use to serve myself hot and sour soup, at the all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet.  I tried carrying the whole samovar back to the table – but those damned things are hot.

3. What is a titfer? (Keep it family friendly remember!!)

I’ll have to put on my thinking cap to come up with an answer for that one.

4. What is a mud flap?

That’s the fuss that’s caused by a driver who doesn’t slow down, or move aside, near a puddle and a pedestrian.

5. What is a barrel roll?

It is how the local Oktoberfest is kicked off.  Not long after, we have over-enthusiastic tourists imitating the barrel – rolling along the gutter and spewing (used) beer.

6. Why did Polly want a cracker?

Because she promised to go blue-screen-free for 6 weeks, and isn’t getting any cookies/biscuits.

7. What is meant by ‘trip the light fantastic?’

It’s what could happen if you imbibe too much liquid Christmas cheer, try to decorate the tree, and tangle your  feet in all those #$*%& cords.

8. What is a diffuser?

A member of an elite military or police branch who safely neutralize and remove explosive devices

9. What is a valet?

It’s the upmarket product line being offered by Simca Motors.  People will purchase Hyundai Genesis, and Honda Acura, but no-one has been able to stop laughing long enough to buy one of these.

10. What is a noggin?

It’s the headache/hangover caused by absorbing too much Christmas rum and egg nog.

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Fibbing Friday #287

Rubbish questions from Pensitivity101 last week. No doubt your definitions will be more interesting!

1. Baloney

In The Excited States, it is also known as ‘Hillbilly steak.’  Fry up a thick slice of that, and slap it between two slices of Wonder Bread™ with lots of ketchup, and it even makes Spam seem like an epicurean viand.  On the other side of The Pond, it’s a stone in Ireland, which a lot of people want to stand on their heads and kiss.

2. Hogwash

This is a money-raising, charity event, where scantily-clad young women clean and polish Harley-Davidsons.

3. Codswallop

That was a comedy bit from the old black and white movies, that wasn’t quite as funny as the pie fights.

4. Bunkum

That’s the semi-sticky stuff that looks like kids’ Play-Doh, which people use to mount photos or signs, without damaging walls.

5. Claptrap

Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.  Live people now give a standing ovation at the end of movies, or when a pilot lands a plane, when the person just doing their job can’t even hear it. I produced three-quarters of a million Jeep CJ sound-abatement panels, and nobody applauded me.

6. Fly tipping

That’s what happens when I don’t wave the beer-bugs away from my bottles of liquid inspiration.  I’m not drinking that 3%/alcohol American mouthwash, or even the 5% They all taste the same, the only difference is the labels Canadian excuse for beer.  I’m drinking 7.4% imported Bavarian dark ale.  Anybody see a weekend lying around??  I seem to have lost one (or two).

7. Tripe

When the colours in the knitting are all off on an angle or scattered into weird colour groupings.

8. Balderdash

He was the younger brother of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, in the Shakespeare play, Hamlet.  He was a carpenter/woodworker who built little dollhouse porches around King Claudius’ ears, so that Hamlet could pour poison in.

9. Trash

This was the style of music that eventually gave way to Heavy Metal.

10. Scrap

What’s left, after a healthy teenage boy goes through the fridge after school – not scraps, a scrap.  You thought there’d be leftover roast beef for supper??!  😮  Maybe enough for one sandwich.

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Fibbing Friday #275

Pensitivity101’s theme last week was What’s in a Name.

The following are all nicknames for celebrities but who or what would you suggest they could be?

1. Nitro

He’s the Pain-Free dentist in the local plaza, who offers “laughing gas” anesthetic.  His office is right next to the cannabis dispensary.  It’s a hApPy neighborhood.

2. Skinny Legs

Melania Trump.  I assume she gets a bulk discount on Ozempic.  When she turns sideways, she disappears, except for the package shelf.  She has to keep moving to cast a shadow.  She once swallowed a martini olive whole, and The Donald accused her of cheating.

3. Iron

She’s the one you pay extra for service, at the BDSM studio – you naughty boy.

4. Mailman

That’s the guy that works with metal rings to make up chainmail pieces.  There are also Mailwomen too!
They make some serious amazing stuff….

5. BoJo

The guy with the original short form label…  Mister Bo Jangles!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKm_EgDI_-E

6. Teflon Tony

Silicone is passé in cosmetic surgery.  He’s the transgender doctor who specializes in turning boys into girls, and verse vica.

7. Iron Lady

Any local Mennonite housewife.  It’s not my fault that they won’t buy wrinkle-free farm shirts.

8. J.Lo

Late night talk show host Jay Leno

9. Smokin’

My co-worker asked me, “Does your wife smoke after sex?”  I replied, “Not quite!”

10. Bottler Brown

My uncle Rusty Melvin, finally got tired of the long, drag home from the local pub.  He now pays a special cartage service to deliver cases of dark Newcastle Ale to his cottage.  He says it saves on the fist fights, and DWI and public drunkenness fines.

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Telepathic Comedy

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.  The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No.” he replies “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “It must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

***

“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed.
100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.”

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How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two!  One to actually change it, and another to videotape it, so that fundamentalists can’t claim that God did it.

***

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
“To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.”

The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well you are wrong.

Hi Dan!”

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Fibbing Friday #263

Last week’s questions from Pensitivity101 were provided by our friend Jim Adams. Thanks Jim!

  1. Who was buried in King Tut’s tomb?

General Ulysses S. Grant.  Only Grant’s horse, Bucephalus, is buried in his tomb.

  1. Why did the Sphinx have a lion’s body and a human head?

Because the Egyptians didn’t believe in Darwinian evolution

  1. What month of the year did the Nile River overflow its banks?

Thirty days hath Septober, April, June, and no wonder
all the rest eat peanut butter – except Grandma, and she drives a new Buick.
It was the month when the new shipments of beer began arriving, and the river became a little more yellow.

  1. How many gods did the ancient Egyptians worship?

Every one they could find – and a few they made up.  No internet back then!  No porn?  No Home Shopping Channel?  No online gaming?  They had to have something to do!

  1. How much makeup did Cleopatra wear?

Girl… She was the first influencer for the makeup brands of the day!
Using all the pretty layers to look and feel her best, not to mention protecting her skin from the ravages of the sun.

  1. How long was Nefertiti’s neck?

As long as she was alive.  She wanted to be head and shoulders above the commoners, but she only accomplished the head part.

  1. Why did the Egyptians walk so strangely?

Sand in their burnoose

  1. How many pyramids did they build?

Oh wouldn’t you like to know!  The sands of time have hidden more than we have found and we’ll just have to wait until they decide if we are worthy of getting them back!

  1. What was Ramses II known for?

Condoms

  1. What did the Egyptians do in Karnak?

They watched Johnny Carson’s Tonight show, on Funk and Wagnall’s front porch.

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Fibbing Friday #262

Last week’s words from Pensitivty101, were put forward by Susan of The Abject Muse.  Thanks Susan!
Your definitions please!

These are all Syns Of The Fathers.  Apparently, Mothers never Syn.

1. Synergy

Wasn’t this that ‘Too Big To Fail’ gas and oil company that went down like the Titanic in 2001??!

2. Synonym

This is the name of the local Friendly Girl.  Often found on washroom partitions, under For A Good Time Call XXX-XXXX.

3. Synchronicity

I have finally learned how to be exactly as late as my doctor.  On my initial visit, he had me arrive at 6:30 AM to fill out forms, for a 7:00 o’clock appointment.  He wandered in at 7:05, disappeared, perhaps for a coffee, and at last saw me at 7:20.  😮

4. Syncopate

This is when the wife and I completely agree on any given subject.  It happens once 0.732 in a blue moon.

5. Synopsis

My parents had to keep a close eye on my female sibling.  Her Purity Pledge ring was beginning to show serious corrosion.

6. Synaesthesia

This is AI-produced, artificial pleasure and enjoyment.  It won’t be long before we shed our bodies, and live inside computer simulations.  We will voluntarily let The Matrix win.

7. Synaptosome

This is what Donald Trump, et al, lack.  A doctor examined The Donald, and declared him sane and fit to be President.  Now, I want the doctor examined, to see if he is sane, and fit to practice medicine – although I have some sympathy for him.  If he had given any other ruling, he might have been run over by a car…. in his living room, or fallen to his death from a ground-floor window.

8. Synanthropes

These are cynical ‘Good Christians’ who are loudly judgmental of other people’s failings, but sow their own wild oats from Monday to Saturday, and then go to church on Sunday, to pray for crop failure.

9. Synagogal

It is no wonder that the best lawyers are Jewish.  They’ve spent 5000 years arguing and negotiating with God.

10 Synaptid

That’s the sound of me opening my first cold one of the day.  Yum, yum, Waterloo Dark Lager, almost as good as Newcastle Brown Ale.

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’24 A To Z Challenge – W

My mission – if I choose to accept it – to find a socially or linguistically significant word for the letter W has been an utter failure.  Woe is me.  Wah!  No wisdom, witticisms, or wisecracks to offer.  Let’s just go with infrequent, and lackluster

WAMBLE

  1. to move unsteadily.
  2. to feel nausea.
  3. (of the stomach) to rumble; growl.
  4. an unsteady or rolling movement.
  5. a feeling of nausea.

 

1300–50; Middle English wamle, obscurely akin to Norwegian vamla to stagger

While the meaning, spelling, and pronunciation are similar, it is not related to ‘wobble.’  Their parents are two different languages.  For several years, the son had a co-worker, universally known as ‘’Wobbles,’ not because he ingested alcohol, or the fumes of burning…. incense – although some of that did happen.

Do you remember, like me, from 1970 – Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down?  That was him.  Ovoid, bottom-heavy, short, bandy legs, looked like he spent lots of time straddling a log – or a barstool.

On the other hand….
I worked for four years with a man who everybody – from the boss/owner on down – knew he brought a 6-pack of beer in each morning, dunked it in a toilet tank in the washroom, and finished it by noon.  Then he went home for lunch, and returned with another 6-pack for the afternoon – at a Precision machine shop.

No-one ever said anything, because he pumped out loads of parts, to ten-thousandths, and hundred-thousandths of an inch – no wobble…. Or wamble.

See if you can wend your way back in a couple of days.

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Ask – And You Will Be Answered

Interview someone — a friend, another blogger, your mother, the mailman — and write a post based on their responses.

A Friend – Am I as crazy as I believe you think I am??!
We did not become friends so that you could get free psychotherapy.  Swallow the meds that you can take with alcohol, and break us each out a tall-can of that good, dark ale.  After a few of those, we’ll know which one – or both – of us is crazy…. But it won’t matter.

Another Blogger – Can I ask you a few questions?
Uh…. Possibly….  What questions?
Damned if I know!  I’m just supposed to interview someone.  The prompt didn’t say what it was supposed to be about.  A lot of times, I just question myself.  Sometimes I have answers.  Sometimes I don’t.  Are zebras white, with black stripes – or black, with white stripes??  If a centipede a pint, and a velocipede a quart, how much would a precipice??!

Your Mother – Mom, I’d like to ask you some questions. Mom??  Mommm??!….  I don’t think this Ouija Board thing is working.  Do I have to move it nearer to the cemetery?  I wonder what their Wi-Fi password is.

The Mailman – Can I ask you a few questions about your job?  How did you become a postman?  How big is your bag??  Do you like your job?  What is the greatest benefit, and disadvantage?
ALL INQUIRIES ABOUT CANADA POSTAL SERVICE MUST BE MADE IN TRIPLICATE – ONE QUESTION PER ENVELOPE, BY REGISTERED MAIL.  EACH SUBMISSION MUST BE ACCOMPANIED WITH A $25 CERTIFIED CHEQUE – MAIL TO CANADA POST 199 OVERLOOK AVE, OTTAWA, ON.  QUESTIONS MAY ALSO BE SUBMITTED ONLINE @ canadapost.fu/disdain  PLEASE HAVE VALID VISA, MASTERCARD OR DEBIT HANDY

No wonder I talk to myself.  I’m the smartest guy in the room.  Speaking of which…. Could somebody let me out??  This canvas jacket is beginning to chafe.  😮