Tag Archives: bragging

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Fibbing Friday # 272

Pensitivity101’s Uncredited Fibbing Friday

Hopefully you can have some fun with these:

1. What is the difference between sun burn and sun stroke?

Sun burn is the hot, dry, painful skin you get if you don’t slather (Stroke) SPF3000 cream on.  I know you Brits don’t see it through the clouds all that often, but when it does shine, try to show a little restraint.

2. What is the difference between cycle and bicycle?

In finding out whether it is more blessed to give, or to receive, a bicycle will take you, coming or going.

3. What is the difference between pinch and pinchbeck?

Remember the old “Punch Buggy – No punch back” game that rowdy kids used to play in the back seat, on long trips, when one would spot a VW Beetle??  The modern version involves Teslas.  Pinch me.  I didn’t think anyone was dumb enough to buy one of these.  Sighting of a Cybertruck can result in unconsciousness.

4. What is the difference between sprig and sprog?

A sprig is an offshoot.  A sprog is a drunken Scotsman who will shoot off his mouth.
‘Ma caber’s bigger than yoors.’

5. What is the difference between beacon and beckon?

‘Beacon’ says stay away.  ‘Beckon says come hither.’  Sadly, neither of them say BACON, only one reason why I am neither Jewish nor Muslim.

6. What is a gooseberry fool?

Don’t call me a fool.  I know what a gooseberry is.  It’s a small fruit, used to make a sweet spread for toast or scones, sold at the jamboree, below.  Have you ever seen the process?  It’s jarring.

7. What is a bakewell tart?

Also known as a “meadow muffin.”  I used to dry them, and sell them as a homeopathic intelligence enhancer.  One guy said, “What is this??!  It tastes like shit.”  I said, “See!  You’re getting smarter already.”

8. What is a bistro?

That’s a Russian word for a single mother.  It means, “Father not in attendance.”

9. What is a jamboree?

It’s a small, local, fair-like retail gathering of people selling variously-flavored sweet spreads as replacements, for people who don’t like watercress, or cucumber, sandwiches for tea.

10. What is a chancer?

He’s the techno-idiot who makes a turn from a side street, across three lanes of traffic, onto a busy, main road, while checking his cell phone, to see how late he is.  If he doesn’t stop it, he, and probably several others, will be described as ‘late.’

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Boastful Comedy

Four Catholic ladies are having brunch together.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle „Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’3″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…’.”

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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: “Daddy, what is sex?” The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her: “Why did you ask this question?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

Words of wisdom: “There’s a fine line between a long, drawn-out sermon and a hostage situation.”

 

Brain cells die.  Skin cells die.  Even hair cells die.
But FAT CELLS must have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior.  They appear to have eternal life.

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?“

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.“

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the Bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.“

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?“

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A wife comes home late one night and not wanting to waken her husband, quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?“

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Shine A Cold Light On Comedy

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

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A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.

“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “And the one on the right is where I go to church.”

“So what about that hut in the middle?”

The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”

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An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde, I started lusting, Father.”

“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”

“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”

The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”

“I’ve never come. This is my first.”

“How is this your first confession?”

“I’m Jewish.”

“Then… why are you telling me all this?”

“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”

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Flash Fiction #202

Erudite

PHOTO PROMPT © CEAyr

RISE UP

Bobby’s mother said, ”You want to be what?”

“Sesquipedalian and erudite.”

Well, the long word meant, ‘using long words’, and the short one meant, ‘learned or scholarly.’ “Why?”

“I want to impress people.”

She replied, “Your grandmother used to say, ‘Don’t get above your raisin.’ ” She almost smiled at his puzzlement. She hadn’t understood it when she was 16, either. “The word is actually raising. It means, ‘Don’t put on phony airs’. People will like you if you are honest and real. You have to study to get big words. You can’t just find them with a magnifying glass.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Friday Fictioneers

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Flash Fiction #128

Paul Bunyan

PHOTO PROMPT © Jennifer Pendergast

MINE’S BIGGER THAN YOURS

Texans bragged for years about being, and having, the biggest everything in the country – if you like dust storms and cactus.

Then they let Alaska join the union, and Texas was like Avis, “We’re number 2, but we try harder.” The biggest things about Alaska are the oil spills and Sarah Palin’s imagination that she’s a real politician.

Welcome to beautiful, green, open Minnesota, where we have room to be big.  This here’s a wheel off Paul Bunyan’s baby carriage, that Babe the ox pulled….

Wait…. Don’cha want to hear about the giant eagle dropping big fish to make thunder??!

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.