Tag Archives: bullshit

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’23 A To Z Challenge – B

 

Following in the grand tradition of Assholery, I present to you, his next-door neighbor

BULLSHITTERY

I recently read yet another dirge for the continued deterioration of both good manners, and English language usage.  A woman, younger than me, (That percentage continues to grow by the day) wanted to know what in Hell has happened to the phrase, “You’re welcome.”

I say to someone – often a clerk of some sort – Thank you, and get back, No problem.  Of course it was a problem, a minor problem perhaps, but if it hadn’t been a problem, I wouldn’t have approached you to solve it.  Also, you’ve now trivialized my situation, and made me feel guilty for bothering you.

Certain related things (should) come in pairs.  If I say salt, you reply, pepper.  If I say Abbott, you respond with, Costello.  If I say Thank you, you don’t match it with pork schnitzel, or deck varnish, or this silly, disconnected, no problem bullshit.

A rejoinder to the lady’s discomfort was that, other languages and cultures have similar constructions.  (Some of) The French come back with, de rien, which roughly translates to it was nothing.  The same objections apply.  The French Language Law books say that the proper response should be, Je vous en prie, which isn’t much better, since it means, I will pray for you.

A common response in Australia is, No worries (mite mate).  As your Mother used to say to you, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off with them?  Mom was a little OCD, but she had a point.  I don’t feel that holding up arrogant, frog’s-legs-munching Frenchmen, or descendants of deported criminals, who had no good manners or proficiency with The Queen’s English – I’m not counting Chuckles the Clown yet – is a good justification for poor, vernacular usage.

Alas, the language, Horatio, I knew it well – before it started hanging out with rap and Tik-Tok stars.  😦

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Smitty’s Loose Religious Change

Actually, there’s not much change left.  The God-botherers want it all dropped in the collection plate.

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” – Epicurus circa 300 BCE

The God of the Old Testament is a vindictive, bloodthirsty, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capricious, malevolent bully.

  1. If God exists, God is perfectly loving.
  2. If God is perfectly loving, then God is always open to personal relationship with finite persons.
  3. If God is always open to personal relationship with finite persons, then if any person fails to believe in God, it must be because they are resisting God.
  4. Therefore, if God exists, there are no nonresistant nonbelievers.
  5. There are nonresistant nonbelievers.
    Conclusion:
  6. Therefore, God does not exist.

The Roman Catholic Church is losing followers faster than Donald Trump.  In mid-July 2022, Pope Frank came to western Canada to make nice to the Indigenous natives, apologize for the Church’s past actions, and hopefully get more paying people in the pews.

I saw a televised interview with the Bishop of Regina, talking about Papal Bulls.  At first, I thought he meant that His High and Mightiness was doing some trick-riding at the Calgary Stampede, using techniques he’d learned in Brazil.

He started babbling about how the Pope was going to issue a Papal Bull, officially rescinding previous Papal Bulls on the Discovery Doctrine, and colonization, like this first one, below, to build bridges, and bring the relationship between the Church, and the Canadian Indigenous, more in line with current social conditions.

AD 1493; Pope Alexander VI issues a papal bull or decree, “Inter Caetera,” in which he authorizes Spain and Portugal to colonize the Americas and its Native peoples as subjects. The decree asserts the rights of Spain and Portugal to colonize, convert, and enslave. It also justifies the enslavement of Africans.

The interviewer asked if this document was in process right now.
Well, no.  Not yet.
When could we expect it?
Well, he didn’t exactly know.
Turn around and face the other way, Bishop.  It’s hard to understand you when you’re just talkin’ outta yer ass!
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Overheard on the Interwebz

Human beings eat meat and vegetable matter.  Vegans don’t eat meat, just vegetation.  If the Big Bang created humans, it wouldn’t have known what we would eat, so it couldn’t have created anything for us to eat – therefore, God created us, because only He would know what we would eat.

I don’t know how anyone could be this dumb, and not be on life-support.  The Big Bang was an occurrence, it isn’t/wasn’t A Thing, and it didn’t create human beings – or anything else.  It was the unfolding of a singularity, into the Universe we now inhabit.  Abiogenesis created the first primitive life forms, and evolution through thousands of intermediate forms, finally produced human beings.  At every step along the way, each form ate meat of some other form and/or vegetable matter.  It was what was available – no planning ahead (or God) needed.

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I live up here in Washington State.  Some of the teenagers do stuff like get their nose pierced, or dye their hair blue.  There aren’t any real Atheists, just people desperate for attention, who claim they are.

Are you related to the fool above??!  There might be the faintest of possibilities for that, if Atheism were visible or obvious.  Unlike having blue hair, or gauged earlobes, Atheists don’t run around with signs, declaring their (lack of) belief, or shouting it in your face.

You won’t know whether I, or anyone else, is an Atheist until you ask, or make some stupid, unsupported claim and get argued with.  My Atheism is not like a trendy jacket that I just put on when I want to impress someone.  It is as much a basic part of me as my name, or my Scottish heritage, and I am far past the teenage – or Christian – need for attention and peer support.

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Hail To The Chief

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen.”

(This means: “Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have shat in it.”)

The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Trump’s Presidential run. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”

The rancher replied: “Use both hands.”

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tRump suffers from liabetes

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A couple were going to go on a vacation down South, but the wife had an emergency at her office. So they agreed that the husband would go as planned, and his wife would fly down and meet him at the hotel the next day.

When the husband got to the hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there OK.

As he typed in her email address, he made a typo and his message was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife instead.  It just so happened that her husband had sadly died the day before.

When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the vacationer, let out a piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.

At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:

Dearest,

Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.

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Two cows are standing in a field.

The first cow says to the second, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease?  It makes cows go crazy and then they die”.

The second cow replies, “Good thing I‘m a helicopter.”

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So all the animals all gathered and were having a party,

Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time, suddenly a chameleon goes to the middle of the room, says, “Check this out” and starts changing color of his skin for a minute straight.

Once he’s done he says, “Let’s see any of you do the same”.

Suddenly an octopus appears from the crowd and says: “Hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer.”

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.  Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or whether the road moved under the chicken, depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There was already a chicken on this side of the road.

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A beginner’s guide to physics

Relativity: When the family gets together
Black holes: What you get in black socks
Critical mass: A big group of film reviewers

Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore

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“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title If I Were a Millionaire.” Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

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