Tag Archives: change

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Telepathic Comedy

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.  The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No.” he replies “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “It must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

***

“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed.
100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.”

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How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two!  One to actually change it, and another to videotape it, so that fundamentalists can’t claim that God did it.

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A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
“To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.”

The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well you are wrong.

Hi Dan!”

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’25 A To Z Challenge – B

What will you never hear a Millennial say??

BACK IN MY DAY…

I mean, what are they gonna say??!  Remember when flash-drives could only hold a MB of data, and they cost $100?  Now they can hold a terabyte of information, and they’re 3 for $9.99.

I’ve done a couple of these Back in my day/Remember when posts, to remind my older readers that the GOOD OLD DAYS weren’t all that good, and to show some of the younger ones what they’re lucky to have missed.

Social development, especially technological, is not linear.  It is more logarithmic.  It is not 1+1=2, 1+2=3. 1+3=4.  It is more like 1+2=3, 2+3=5, and 5+4=9.  As Isaac Newton said, If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.  The slant of the bell curve gets steeper and steeper.

Change that used to take a century, and then a year, and then a month – now happens in a week.  I am proud of Canada, and especially my local Kitchener/Waterloo area, with its RIM Park, and a Google branch as big as its parent.  It can be a rough ride, and some people have a hard time holding on, but change is inevitable, and must be embraced.  I suppose that those who can’t hack it, can always be hewers of wood and drawers of water – and makers of MAGA hats.

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Stolen Words

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.  Our culture changes our language, and our language changes our culture.

Consider how much the language has changed since Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language in 1755. One of the entries was the word “teen.” Today, we think of a teen as a person between the ages of 13 and 19 years. According to Johnson, the word means, “to vex, irritate, annoy, anger, enrage, inflict suffering upon, to afflict, harass, to injure, harm.” OK… Maybe that was a poor example. Essentially, the meaning is the same.

Along with everything else today, words are getting a terrible kicking around. In the attempt to achieve instant comprehension, mass communications have flattened words out so that shades of meaning are lost, categories and pigeonholes have replaced precise descriptions, punch and color have been abandoned… Conversation is edging toward verbal shorthand… Then there are euphemisms… Advertising, with its ever-changing private lingo will twist and adulterate any words it lays pen or tongue to for public consumption… and the politicos have a universal tendency to use words to conceal or confuse thought, to take the juice and flavor of speech and writing.

adolescence: A time of rapid changes between the ages of twelve and seventeen, when a parent can get as much as twenty years older.

amateur: A person who is always willing to give you the benefit of his inexperience.

belgard: A soft glance; a kind regard.

Christmas Eve: The shortest night of the year; from sundown to son-up.

diligence: An old-fashioned vehicle of success.

epitaph: A monumental lie.

free: The price is concealed.

golden rule: Give unto others the advice you can’t use yourself.

hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.

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Begging For Humor

A panhandler asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only had big bills, so he asked me for one of those.
I gave him the utility bill.

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People call me ‘Coffee,’ because I’m bitter, and most folks don’t like me without changing some aspect of what I am.

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The nuns assemble in the chapel for a meeting. The Mother Superior announces that something evil has happened. “We found evidence of a man in the sleeping area.” All of the nuns gasp, except for one who mumbles a laugh: “Heh, heh, heh.” The Mother Superior continues: “And we also found a used condom in that area.” Again, all of the nuns gasp, except for one who mumbles: “Heh, heh, heh.” The Mother Superior goes on: “And we found a hole in the condom!” Then all of the nuns laugh aloud: “Heh, heh, heh!” except for one who GASPS!

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An Amazon driver stole a TV and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items were delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

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WOMEN’S ENGLISH

No = Yes
Yes = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure.. Go ahead – I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron
You’re.. so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic. Turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
Hang the picture there = I mean hang it over there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that’s really going to upset you
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead

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’23 A To Z Challenge – V

TECHNOLOGICAL OBSOLESCENCE

It’s a term to describe systems or ways of doing something that have changed significantly within living memory.

For centuries – millennia – change and progress inched forward.  Then, about 150 years ago, knowledge reached a critical mass, and technology soared.  Things like the telephone and the gramophone made it possible to store and conduct sound.  The telephone was electrical, while the gramophone started out as strictly mechanical.

A crank wound up a spring which ran a clockwork motor.  A needle at the end of an arm ran in a rotating, serrated groove.  The first examples were actually cylindrical.  Only later did flat discs become standard.  The sound was conducted up the arm, into a horn and out, to be heard by avid listeners.  Like some YouTube shorts, the sound level varied.  Some ‘records’ had deeper grooves, and the sound level could blast a small room.  Pieces of cloth were sometimes stuffed into the horn as a damper – a mute.  This is where the phrase, “Put a sock in it!” originated.  The best, and the best-known, brand of gramophone was the

VICTROLA

The Victor Talking Machine Company was an American recording company and phonograph manufacturer, incorporated in 1901. The company operated independently until it was purchased by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA) in 1929 and subsequently operated as the RCA Victor Division of the Radio Corporation of America.

Sound reproduction has gone from mechanical, to electric, to electronic, to digital.  We have come so far.  I wonder how much, and how soon, the future will change and improve it – neural??  We already have Smart Glasses, which transmit sound from the arms, into the bones near your ears.

Veni, Vidi, Victrola

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Smitty’s Loose Change #23

Snippets

 

Some frazzled, forgetful kindly, thoughtful person just contributed another $8.55 to my retirement fund.  I just extracted eight Loonies, two quarters and a nickel from the overflow chute of one of those in-store coin-counting machines.  It doesn’t compare to the $76 that I found last year, but every little bit helps.  I went back to the store two days later, for something I’d missed, and got another two dimes, a nickel, and a $1 token for releasing chained-up shopping carts.

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Let us not think of Freedom as the right to do as we wish, but rather as the opportunity to do what is right.

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If you had to change your name, what would the new one be?
Joe Shitz – instead of Bill.

How do you want to retire?
First, I’d wash and shave, then put my jammies on, then hop into bed.

List ten things that you know to be absolutely certain.
That there is only one thing, and this is it.

Which activities make you lose track of time?
Stopping at a jewelry store to get a new battery for my watch.

What are your future travel plans?
I don’t plan to travel to the future.  It’s difficult and quite expensive.  Besides, The Apocalypse is right around the temporal corner.  I’m just gonna stay right here now.

How would you describe yourself to someone?
Seriously undecided as to whether to say uninterested, or disinterested.

Describe your life in an alternate universe.
I’ve never been in an alternate universe.

Describe a family member.
It hangs off my right hip, and is just long enough to reach the ground.  You thought I was going to describe its neighbor to the left.  Sadly, that’s a very short story.

Where is your favorite place to go in your city?
Well…. The newest Wal-Mart has a nice clean washroom.

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I had hoped for a blog-theme prompt from my Muse, but I’m drawing a blank.

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Long-Stemmed Rose

The wife planted this beside our front walkway.  It hasn’t produced a flower, but it’s grown higher than the garage eave, and is reaching for the second-story window.

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Unlocking One-Liners

Knowing how to pick locks….
….has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Is Joe Biden a good dresser?….
….No, but he makes a great end table

A furniture store keeps calling me….
….but I only wanted one night stand.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating….
….and I was, like, OMG.

The last time I was somebody’s type….
….I was donating blood.

I met my wife at The Castanets Club….
….We clicked right away.

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?….
….Because it’s in its ‘ground state.’

How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.

Optimists: The glass is half full….
….Pessimists: The glass is half empty….
….Cat owners: The glass is knocked over.

Cats are like “Hey, what are you up to?….
…. Never mind—I just remembered I don’t care.”

A fun part of having a black cat is occasionally accidentally talking….
….to a crumpled up black T-shirt on the floor.

Somewhere there is a house cat….
….that did more than I did today.

I like birthdays….
….but I think too many can kill you.

The NSA walks into a bar…..
….“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says….
….The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

A screwdriver rolls into a bar….
….The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”….
….The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?”

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here….”
….A time traveler walks into a bar.

I’ve been trying to write a new pizza joke….
….but I can’t work out the delivery.

I got invited to a hair-washing party….
….I’ve got no excuse not to go.

How to deal with stress at work….
….1: Don’t go!  The end.

Monorail operators….
….have a one-track mind.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?….
….To get to the bottom.

For our chemistry exam, we had to write a thousand words on acid….
….Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – E

The Sound of silence…. Music…. Language

Each language has its own sound – its own tempo – its own delivery.  Even if you don’t know what the foreign speaker is saying, you can often tell what language it is, simply by the sound of it.  Italian and Spanish sound like the machinegun chatter of chickadees on meth.  French sounds like the speaker is trying to evade being charged with child luring.  German sounds like someone is training a dog, and Russian seems spoken by a crew of cesspool cleaners.  I often know the area where an English native is from, just by the local accent.

Most languages don’t change much, or very quickly.  Spanish-speakers can read El Cid in the original, while Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, written at the same time, requires a translator.  English evolves, and its sound has changed over time.

It’s not just the new words, and the new meanings and usages of old words.  It’s that the world, and therefore the language, has grown larger, and more complex.  We have less time, to say more.  The construction is getting shorter, quicker, tighter, and wider, but not as deep.

A century ago, or two, we had the time – at least the privileged, educated,  upper crust – to converse and orate, using grandiloquent, polysyllabic words, often from Latin or Greek bases.  Those idyllic days are gone.  The grand old days of the unhurried Romance-era are long past.

I recently read a piece from another archaist like me – someone who likes to throw the occasional impressive antique usage in.  He used the word

EFTSOON

Soon after, before 950; Middle English eftsone,Old English eftsōna.See eft2, soon

While it was a sweet, caramel-sundae kind of word, we just don’t have the time for it anymore, in our fast-paced, frenetic lives.  The leisurely, imposing sound of it has been replaced by curt, businesslike words like ASAP, or stat.

The Good Old Days were only good for the cream of the social crop, but their relaxed, melodious language usage was pleasing to the ear.  Hurry back ASAP stat soon for another helping of blather.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – D

Don’t be a horse’s ass!  Use some horse sense.  Someone once decried steam locomotive trains, saying that travelling more than 40 MPH would drive people insane.  Sorry!!  They came in that way.

The 20th Century and the 21st have been a period of great, rapid, technological advancement and development.  Some people are able to keep with part, or all of it, better than others.  Bigots sometimes denigrate middle-Easterners, by calling them camel-riders.  That sometimes is a good idea – the camel-riding, not the name-calling.

A scientific expedition to research a geographic anomaly in the Sahara, hired a Bedouin guide who was reputed to know the desert well.  They loaded him in one of their jeeps, and tore off into the sand.  After a day of driving they stopped, and asked him where they were, and where their destination was.  He had no idea!!  He knew the desert by how long it took to get to any part of it, by camel.

Trafficking in stupidity!

There are waaayyyy too many car drivers who should be restricted to horse-drawn carts, pulled by

DOBBIN

a horse, especially a quiet, plodding horse for farm work or family use.

A horse would be smarter than many drivers.  I don’t drive much anymore, but I DO watch some “Idiots in Cars” YouTube videos.  A horse would get out of the way of a lot of these accidents.  I’ve bitched that some people don’t drive past the hood of their car.  The worst of them don’t drive past the end of their nose.  These are the ones who should take a bus, a cab, or an Uber.

Oh, the road lanes separate ahead, and there’s a concrete divider with buttress at the end.
I’ll just keep driving right into it.
I’m going so slow, that someone is making a left-turn in front of me.
I won’t bother to swerve to avert a collision, or put on the brakes.  I’ll just drive slowly right into them.

A small rancher in Wyoming rode his horse several miles into what passed for a small town one evening.  He hitched Lightning outside a roadhouse bar, and went in and got snozzled.  At closing time he managed to clamber back into the saddle, smacked the horse on the rump, ordered Home, and slumped over the saddle-horn.

Lightning was happy to head back home, where there was food, and water, and other horses, so off he trotted.  Just outside town, an ambitious, officious State Trooper pulled the pair over, and charged the rancher with drunk driving.  Sometimes it’s just best to pay the damned fine.  Sometimes it ain’t.

He went to court, and argued to the judge that his horse was not a motor-vehicle as defined by law.  Also, in his condition, he was not in care and control of his autonomous transport.  The judge agreed, and dismissed the charge, saying that he felt the horse was the smartest of the three.

Saddle up and ride back on Friday, to meet Lyin’ Brian, my evil Fibbing Friday twin.  😉

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Flash Fiction #284

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

SPIN SPIN SPIN

The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
I have to run faster and faster, just to stay in the same place.

It is pleasant to recline in the lap of technology – so many things to make our lives quicker and easier – but, there is a cost to pay.  Change has been thrust upon us, occurring more and more often.

Studies show if the maze is constantly altered, the lab rat eventually goes insane – which brings us to cops killing innocent people, and schoolboys committing mass murders.  It’s not the testosterone or guns. Our easy, effortless lives are killing us.

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If you’d like to join the fun with the Friday Fictioneers, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.