Tag Archives: comfort

by

Fibbing Friday #289

Last week Pensitivity101 asked, R U sitting comfortably?

1. Ripsnorter

I sneezed so hard, I activated the automatic paper towel dispenser

2. Rinky-dink

A curling bonspiel groupie

3. Rapscallion

Negro soul food cooking and music school

4. Recalcitrant

The medication that I take to improve my bone density, and prevent osteoporosis

5. Rickrack

The name of my co-worker’s favorite pool hall

6. Rut-roh

The motto embossed on all Scooby-Do merch  See Shit happens

7. Redonkulous

A friend of Crocodile Dundee – strong like ox, almost as smart

8. Rammy

Mary had a little lamb.
She called her wee friend Lamby.
The pet grew up and became wed,
And called her husband Rammy.

~ That’s the Great-grandson, following in his father’s footsteps and rammin’ all over the place with his late toddlerhood energy!

OR

~ My daughter told me this is a type of fiber that is processed from natural plant fibers. It is one of the oldest fiber crops, having been used for at least 6,000 years, and is principally used for fabric production. It is a bast fiber, which comes from the inner bark of the vegetative stalks and unlike other bast crops, it requires chemical processing to de-gum the fiber.

9. Rickety-crickety

Pretty much describes my body since I retired.  I’ve had noise complaints from neighbors, just for hobbling down stairs

10. Roodle

A cross between a Rhodesian Ridgeback dog, and a poodle

by

Coup De Grace Comedy

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I cannot afford anything to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

***

(Remember, folks, HR is not your friend.)

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired!

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, “I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. “What happened to the dogs?!!!” he growled.

The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all, at the first mistake!”

The King realized his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!

by

Lucky To Be Unlucky Fibbing Friday

It was Friday 13th last week, so Pensitivity101’s theme was (loosely) superstition based.
Here are your questions:


1. Who sang “Is This a Kind of Magic?”

A rich Jewish illusionist who called himself David Copperfield

2. Who sang “Somebody’s Watching Me?”

The President of Paranoids Anonymous – but he won’t give his name

3. Why do we blow out birthday candles?

The Big Bad Wolf had his Medicaid cut off, so he’ll be a little late.  We need to huff and puff, and blow out the candles before we burn down the house of straw, and the house of sticks.  When we get to the house of bricks, we’re gonna need an HVAC technician.

4. Why do we associate red and green with Christmas?

It all started when Olaf went to cut down that year’s greenery and the wife saw that he had bled on some of it.  She was gaga for the colour scheme and insisted that all the ladies try it.  Interior decorating wasn’t as big a deal back in the day, but they knew what they liked when they saw it!  Blood went with everything!

5, What do Little Elves supposedly cause?

Mayhem and pandemonium!  One Elf – one shelf – no problem.  Lots of Elves – drunken Christmas party  Who do we call, the cops, or Santa??!

6. Why do some people hold their breath when passing near a cemetery?

To prevent succumbing to the urge to finally tell that gone-but-not-missed relative what you held in for years.
Yeah, crazy Aunt Mary, you can take your latkes and shove them up your……

7. Why is finding a penny considered good luck?

When avaricious businessmen become our avaricious politicians, you’re lucky to find any money.  A penny saved – is a government oversight.

8. Why should we not rock an empty rocking chair?

You might catch the cat’s tail, and have it knock over your beer.

9. Why do people hang Dream Catchers?

They take the phrase “Dream big or go home” literally and decided to try catching the Dreams in the comfort of their own home.  The new wave of armchair warriors now do it from their beds!  I don’t chase my dreams anymore.  I just find out where they’re going, and meet them there later, for beers.

10. Why is flipping a loaf of bread unlucky in France?

Just being in France is unlucky enough.  Lichtenstein might invade, and some of that Surrender Monkey attitude could rub off.  A carelessly flipped loaf of bread might land in a bowl of garlic-flavored snails.

Ahhh… Summer finally arrived in Canada.

by

Mean And Greedy Atheists

From a Q & A session following one of Christopher Hitchens’ lectures

Why do you want to take away something that provides comfort and support to 95% of the population, and replace it with something that provides comfort to only 5% of the population??

Well…. What an incredibly stupid question.
First, I have said repeatedly, this stuff cannot be taken away from people.  It is their favorite toy, and it will remain so for as long as we’re afraid of death.  Second, I hope I made it clear, that I’m perfectly happy for people to have these toys, and to play with them at home, and hug them to themselves, and to share them with others who come around.

That’s absolutely fine.  They are not to make me play with these toys.  I will not play with the toys.  Don’t bring the toys to my house.  Don’t say that my children must play with these toys.  I’m not allowing their toys.  I’m not having any of that.  Enough with clerical and religious bullying!  Is that finally clear??!  Have I got that across?

by

Slinging Slang Fibbing Friday

It’s crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide. = You’d be crazy to try to bribe a cop with counterfeit money.

Pensitivity101 wanted us to slang yer hook last week, and dropped some slang phrases/words for you.
Go on, give ’em your best shot! Have fun!

Fo-shizzle

This is what happens when you gorge yourself, and eat an entire package of Swedish fish.  Those things are full of water-soluble oils and paraffin wax.  They will lubricate your digestive system so well that you’ll spend more time sitting on the throne than Queen Elizabeth II.

Crunk

Crunk is the past participle of ‘Crank.’  I’ve been an old crank for so long, now that I’m retired, I’ve been designated an Honorary Crunk.

Booyah

That’s a compulsive heckler who can’t really decide whether he hates the performance…. or not.

Gnarly

It’s a mean, junkyard dog with a lisp.

Outtie

My strange uncle, who’s been on everybody’s gaydar for years, finally decided to start flying the LGBTQ+ Pride Flag.

Phat
It’s a Latin word for a person with an eating disorder.

What’s Crackalackin?

That’s how OB/GYNs tell boy babies from girl babies.

Cowabunga

You know how some seafood restaurants let you choose which lobster you want?….  I have to drive out to the farm, but my favorite steak-joint lets me do the same thing.
I’ll take the one with the big butt that looks like a Kardashian.

Ankle biter

Ankle-biters are a form of torture that many women inflict on themselves to attract men.  If they knew what they’d end up with, they’d choose a burqa and a Taser.  They are pairs of – if you’ll excuse the expression – shoes.  They begin at the front with a mediaeval thumbscrew type of cap, big enough for about one and a half toes, into which they jam all five – what comfort…

Behind this is a ramp, reminiscent of downhill skiing, perched on a ridiculously high heel.  There is often very little leather to contain the foot – apparently to satisfy foot fetishists, who give ‘ankle-biters’ a whole different meaning.  Therefore, they are held in place with tough leather straps, tightened down with buckles.

After an evening of dining and dancing, it’s a wonder that blood is not flowing down the leg, although pain and damage can be reduced by wearing Kevlar stockings.

All that and a bag of chips.

That’s my standard order at my neighbourhood drive-thru.  They know me.
May I take your order?
Yes.  I’d like….
Just pull up Archon, we’ve got it ready.

 

by

Call Screening One-Liners

Can I call you back….
….in a few beers?

There are two ingredients in trail mix….
….M&Ms – and disappointment.

I’m getting WAYYY too comfortable….
….looking this ugly all the time.

Follows diet.  Diet doesn’t follow back….
….Unfollow diet.

Vegans, if you’re trying to save the animals….
….stop eating their food.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but….
….if it runs out, I’ll drink the red.

Your debt will stay with you….
….if you can’t budge it.

My new stair-lift….
….is driving me up the wall.

I prefer my kale….
….with a silent K.

If the world didn’t suck….
….we’d all fall off.

He who laughs last….
….didn’t get it.

Forklift operators hate my puns….
….They find them unpalletable.

Procrastination is a dish….
….served eventually

When I get a headache, I take two aspirins….
….and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

Your call is important to us….
….so here’s a 40 minute flute solo

I heard the word “icy” is easy to spell….
….Looking at it now, I see why.

I just can’t handle….
….automatic doors.

I once worked in a cheap pizza joint to get by….
….I kneaded the dough.

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed….
….If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Why don’t you ever see the headline….
….Psychic wins lottery?

Reading can seriously damage….
….your ignorance.

by

Adaptation/Evolution

SDC10178

When the cats say that it’s time for a nap – IT’S TIME FOR A NAP!

Puppy Litter

When puppies or kittens are born, they quickly learn to huddle together in a ball, especially if Momma’s not there. This behavior seems to come from adaptive evolution. It makes the pile look like a single, larger animal to any potential passing predator. The puppy-pile, or kitten-clowder often has the strongest, alpha, animal at its center, and the runt exiled to the edge.

The greatest benefit of these mounds, is the conservation of body heat. This is particularly important for feral animals which are born outside. Every once in a while – not every litter – a puppy or kitten leaves the safety of the group, adventuresome, daring, brave, inquisitive – to explore its world. This is not a safe or good thing to do. Research shows that any young animal that does this has a 75% of dying. They achieve the label of ‘maverick’, whose origins are explained here. https://atkinsbookshelf.wordpress.com/2020/01/15/the-person-behind-the-word-maverick/

THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL YOU, MAKES YOU STRONGER.

Oh, the vistas to be seen! The world to be explored. The things to be learned. The empires to be seized.

Excess Canadian grey wolves were trapped, and transported to Yellowstone Park, to repopulate the area, after an unusual die-off. Included was a young omega male, a runt which all the other wolves harassed or ignored. Early his first winter there, he disappeared. Park Ranger observers thought that he had starved to death, or been killed.

The next spring, it was discovered that he had crossed over the nearby mountain pass. He had defeated an older alpha male, taken over a pack, and proceeded to mate with the females and produce litters of strong pups to follow him.

Whether you believe that we are merely animals like the rest, or divinely created by a God, human beings would do well to take note of this type of situation. In social, political, or religious situations, great insights are obtained, great things are learned, and great advancements are made, by those who step outside their comfort zone – who leave the warm security of the puppy pile. It’s worth the risk. Be brave! Learn or create something new.

Of course, I want you to continue to do the same old thing, and stop back here again in a couple of days, when my mind wanders off over a mental mountain pass, and breeds a completely different post.

by

My First (Imaginary) Car

Old Jalopy

Once upon a time, I owned a car – not of my dreams, but in my dreams. It had a 1-1/2 cylinder engine, and ran on Macassar Oil. Since I was much younger when I imagined it, it was a much older make. It was a Rolls-Cunardly. It Rolls real good down hills, but Cunardly make it up the other side.

It didn’t come with all the creature comforts that today’s cars possess. In fact, I don’t remember any comfort at all. It didn’t have a windshield because, even at its top, blazing speed, the breeze flow wouldn’t equal a hot-air hand dryer.

Its balky, 5-speed gearbox was shifted with a long, floor-mounted handle, in a wide W pattern. In first gear, you could have checked what was in the glove compartment, except this car only had a shelf where, until recently, a red lantern was kept, that a footman had to precede the vehicle with.

You couldn’t put it in second gear if there was a lady in the car – although my girlfriend Muriel, said she enjoyed the vibration. Putting it in third would have allowed you to tune the radio, if it had one. Even if it did, all you’d have heard were the faint beeps that Marconi got, when someone told him to go fly a kite in Newfoundland.

Fourth gear would have allowed you to check your pocket change, but there was no need, since neither toll roads nor parking meters had been invented. Fifth gear was where it began overtaking garden snails. Care had to be taken, not to hit the simple on/off switch on the steering column, and shut it down.

Keys, and locks, and security systems were dreams for the future. Who would steal this monster? I left it running in front of a store one day, and came back to find a silver dollar and a note on the seat. You poor lad, I feel so sorry for you. Buy yourself a bicycle.

Where was reverse, you ask? Toward the top of a steep hill! The brakes were mechanical, and none too reliable. Just don’t park anywhere it was necessary to back up – or convince two husky bystanders to push it back for you. I used a crank-start system to get it going. Not the bent, metal thing. I got the grouchy old guy named Archon who lived next door, to help push me and bump-start it.

Some of the above details might not be accurate. They’re just intended to remind the Millennials about how tough we old coots had to be. Actually turn on a stove and cook food??! Ewww! My condo doesn’t even have a stove. Couldn’t you just tell your smart phone to call Skip The Dishes, or DoorDash, and have your meals delivered? 🙄

by

WOW #36

Lonely Man

I’m Just a Lonely Boy – or so Paul Anka claimed he was.  I’m not.  Thanx to a chance encounter with a dictionary, (Hah!  As if any encounter I have with a dictionary could be ‘Chance’) I find that I can apply the honorable title of

SOLITUDINARIAN

Noun

a person who seeks solitude; a recluse.

It’s not that I want to beat this concept to death; it’s just that I keep finding more and more dignified words to describe my chosen lifestyle.

Hate People

I don’t hate everybody.  I haven’t met everybody.  Aside from you lovely people, who come here and brighten my days, the less I have to do with the rest of the Smart Phone-wielding, gullible, ignorant- yet opinionated masses, the better for everyone involved.

The chains on my mood swing just broke.
Run!

I once admitted to a reader that I occasionally read Christian web-posts.  Shocked, he demanded to know why I would do such a thing.  It’s not Masochism.  It’s not generally intentional.  It’s that a surprising – almost frightening – number of Christian bloggers label their output with an ‘Atheist’, or ‘Atheism’ tag.

Between them, and the Flat Earthers, and the Conspiracy Theorists, (See Buzz Aldrin’s outrage that the recent movie, First Man, didn’t show the planting of the American flag on the moon) I feel comfortable in my own company.

Many Fundamentalist (with the accent on ‘mental’) Christians refuse to accept the Theory of Evolution, because they don’t want to admit that they might be related to monkeys.  There are just too many folks out there, otherwise known as wastes of space and resources, who act like they are related to jackasses.

Thanx for reading.  See you again soon.  😀

by

Flash Fiction #135

Halo Statue

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

I GOT CONNECTIONS

Giancarlo had come to America, the land of promise and opportunity. After several years of hard work, he had saved enough to bring Mama over.

He installed her in a nice apartment, in a safe building which also housed several European widows of similar age. He made sure she had every comfort, and visited her each day.

After almost a month, he asked if there was anything she lacked. She said, “Yes, I wanna Halo Statue.”

They were good Catholics, but he’d never heard of a Halo Statue.

Impatiently, she mimed picking up a telephone, and said, “Halo, ‘stat you?”

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.