Sex Across The Room

A youngish, socially-active, female co-worker once said to me, “Have you ever looked at someone across the room, and said to yourself, ‘I’m going to have sex with them?”

My response was that it was something that only females would say – unless the guy was like Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein, or Paul Bernardo.

Much against the advice and urgings of her doctor, she insisted on having her tubes tied when she was 21.  He wanted her to wait until at least 25 – or better, 30 – just in case she decided, later in life, that she wanted to have children.  She at least was smart enough to know that she would never have made a mother, much less a good one.

I read the book, Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus.

A woman will give sex, to get love.
A man will give love, to get sex.

Biologically-speaking, it is to a man’s best interest, to have sex with as many females as possible, to spread and ensure the continuation of his genetic makeup.
Biologically-speaking, it is to a woman’s best interest to have a man around to feed and protect her and any offspring.

Neither of these paths are RIGHT, or WRONG, although the second option has almost universally been adopted, by almost every culture except the American Negroes, where the welfare state has caused the rate of single-motherhood to rise from 20%, to 70% in the last fifty years.

Many women have become so habituated to the social norm, that they grow to be as bad as some men in their entitled, controlling hold on their support partners.  To even mentally appreciate another female is viewed as a thought-crime, or worse, a sin, and fraught with ownership, and jealousy.

One-Liner Facts

Inevitable facts….
….Death, Taxes, Shipping and Handling

You can mix many things with alcohol….
….Drunk Facebook posting should not be one of them.

The space between my ladder rungs has increased….
….due to climb-it change.

I’m not good with tech….
….How do I disconnect my wife’s auto-correct function?

I have a trickle-down economics joke….
….but 99% of you wouldn’t get it

I just checked my account balance at the ATM….
….and it printed me a coupon for Ramen noodles.

I finally got eight hours of sleep….
….It took me three nights but…. whatever.

To make a long story short….
….there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.

Tips on falling asleep in a living room chair….
….#1 – Be old  #2 – Sit in a chair  #3 (optional) Recline

If your phone autocorrects F**K to duck….
….that’s still fowl language.

An optimist is the guy who invented the airplane….
….A pessimist is the guy who invented the parachute.

Don’t put words in my mouth….
….That’s where bacon goes.

Onion rings??….
….I’m answering.

I tried to use that face-aging app…
….It just said, Nah, you’re good.

I started out feeling Bold….
….then I lost my ‘B.’

I bought a new boomerang….
….How do I throw the old one out?

I’m not a perfectionist….
….My parents were, though.

I wrote a golf joke….
….but it’s a little under-par.

My boss said that I had poor communication skills….
….I was speechless.

 

’25 A To Z Challenge – M

I am always in awe of movie and television writers.  They must be like industrial spies, aware of the latest technology, almost before it exists, so that they can write it into scripts, and make the public aware of it.

In 1966, the bridge-crew of the Enterprise had wireless, electronic tablets, when most of us didn’t even have computers.  These later-to-be Ipads had beep-beep, flat surface pushbuttons that didn’t’ show up on my kitchen stove and microwave for another decade.

The year before, in a movie called Arabesque, a professor of Middle-Eastern languages, is kidnapped by the CIA, to translate a small note, written in Arabic script – because one sect is going to wipe out another sect.  (How things haven’t changed in 60 years!)

When he finally translates all of the nuances, the result makes sense – but it doesn’t make sense.  It’s as innocent as a recipe for hummus.  The secret, when it’s finally discovered and revealed is that one of the periods in the script has all of the information – IN ENGLISH – reduced 1000 times, through the optical science of

MICROGRAPHY

which is a division of STEGANOGRAPHY, the process of hiding things in plain sight.  The most common modern examples are benign computer files or messages, where secret information is added by making one small section denser.  First, you have to know TO look; then, you have to know WHERE TO LOOK.

I look forward to having you join me on Wednesday, for a new contest.

Historical Blog Prompt

What major historical events do you remember?

I CANNOT TELL A LIE

Of course I can!  I’ve been doing it since long before I started blogging.  Despite previous claims, I’m not really older than dirt, and didn’t know any T-Rex by their first names.

I was born at the end of 1944.  I don’t remember any of WW II, but I do remember the rationing that lasted for several years past the end of it.  It’s why we discovered margarine and powdered skim-milk, which we switched to.

I kinda, sorta, remember the Korean War.  An older cousin joined the Canadian Air Force, and was trained to fly the first jet planes.  He was the first pilot in Canada to crash because of G-force unconsciousness.  The Korean War is still ongoing.  There was a cease-fire – an armistice – but 70 years later, it is still valid and unresolved.

I remember the space race, where the US started out behind, but came on, to put a man on the moon first.  Modern society benefitted greatly from discoveries and developments, like miniaturization of computers, microwaves, and food-drying techniques, but when the political-manufacturing combine couldn’t easily wring more money out of it, they set it on a shelf, waiting for some crazed genius like Elon Musk to come along.

I remember the Cuban revolution, where a corrupt, repressive Banana Republic, capitalist government was replaced with a corrupt, repressive, Communist one.  Americans took their dolls and went home – except for Guantanamo Bay – leaving more room on the beaches for Canadians.

I remember the Cuban missile crisis, where Russia attempted to put nuclear weapons on America’s back door.  The heroic, King of Camelot, president, John F. Kennedy stood firm and prevented it.  The Russians, as a culture, are very insecure, and worried that other peoples regard them as unsophisticated peasants.  They didn’t even have an alphabet or written language until about AD 400, when St Cyril wrote one on a mirror for them.  Russian president, Nikita Khrushchev, took off one of his shoes, and pounded on the lectern at the United Nations.  Nothing shows the level of sophistication better than that.

Suddenly, it was a time for famous Americans to die before their time.  John F. Kennedy was assassinated.  His younger brother Robert F. Kennedy was shot dead, civil-rights activist Martin Luther King was gunned down, and even-younger Kennedy brother, Ted, accidently drowned Mary-Jo Kopechne, while trying to baptize her by driving off a bridge after a party.

The day that JFK was assassinated, I was writing a grade 11 history exam.  Our history teacher, who also taught us English, burst into the examination room and announced, “While you’re writing about history, history was being made.  President Kennedy was shot.”  He stood there for at least 15 seconds, in front of 30 gape-jawed, but silent faces, and finally asked, “What??!”  The keener girl said, “Is he dead?”  “Of course he’s dead.  I just told you that.”  “No sir, you said he’d BEEN SHOT!”  Not very good communication or English usage from an English teacher.

I watched the Berlin wall go up, and experienced the Berlin Blockade, when Russia tried to strangle West Berlin by closing East German highways to supply trucks.  I cheered as thousands of cargo planes flew over the blockade in the Berlin Airlift.  I watched as The Wall was pulled down, years later, and the SSRs splintered like flakes in a snow globe.

Somewhere along the line, Billy Joel wrote and performed the song, We Didn’t Start The Fire, about 50 years of this history.  Fundamentalist Christian Buy-Bull thumpers are forever insisting that we are in The Last Days, but we are always living in Interesting Times.

Stolen Words

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.  Our culture changes our language, and our language changes our culture.

Consider how much the language has changed since Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language in 1755. One of the entries was the word “teen.” Today, we think of a teen as a person between the ages of 13 and 19 years. According to Johnson, the word means, “to vex, irritate, annoy, anger, enrage, inflict suffering upon, to afflict, harass, to injure, harm.” OK… Maybe that was a poor example. Essentially, the meaning is the same.

Along with everything else today, words are getting a terrible kicking around. In the attempt to achieve instant comprehension, mass communications have flattened words out so that shades of meaning are lost, categories and pigeonholes have replaced precise descriptions, punch and color have been abandoned… Conversation is edging toward verbal shorthand… Then there are euphemisms… Advertising, with its ever-changing private lingo will twist and adulterate any words it lays pen or tongue to for public consumption… and the politicos have a universal tendency to use words to conceal or confuse thought, to take the juice and flavor of speech and writing.

adolescence: A time of rapid changes between the ages of twelve and seventeen, when a parent can get as much as twenty years older.

amateur: A person who is always willing to give you the benefit of his inexperience.

belgard: A soft glance; a kind regard.

Christmas Eve: The shortest night of the year; from sundown to son-up.

diligence: An old-fashioned vehicle of success.

epitaph: A monumental lie.

free: The price is concealed.

golden rule: Give unto others the advice you can’t use yourself.

hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.

Begging For Humor

A panhandler asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only had big bills, so he asked me for one of those.
I gave him the utility bill.

***

People call me ‘Coffee,’ because I’m bitter, and most folks don’t like me without changing some aspect of what I am.

***

The nuns assemble in the chapel for a meeting. The Mother Superior announces that something evil has happened. “We found evidence of a man in the sleeping area.” All of the nuns gasp, except for one who mumbles a laugh: “Heh, heh, heh.” The Mother Superior continues: “And we also found a used condom in that area.” Again, all of the nuns gasp, except for one who mumbles: “Heh, heh, heh.” The Mother Superior goes on: “And we found a hole in the condom!” Then all of the nuns laugh aloud: “Heh, heh, heh!” except for one who GASPS!

***

An Amazon driver stole a TV and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items were delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

***

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

No = Yes
Yes = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure.. Go ahead – I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron
You’re.. so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic. Turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
Hang the picture there = I mean hang it over there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that’s really going to upset you
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead

Working Jokes

We had to oil a couple, and gas most of them up, but they’re all working now.  Working is no joke, so try some of this comedy instead.

***

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

I took a position as a security guard; my boss said that it was my job to watch the office. I’m currently on season 5.

On my way to work today, I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought, it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.

Would you call the boss at Old MacDonald’s farm the C-I-E-I-O?

My boss asked me to roundup 18 employees quickly. I responded, “20.”

In my last performance review, I was told that my communication skills needed improvement. I didn’t know what to say.

I think that of all the inventions of the last century, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

I heard that fewer and fewer people are going into archeology because the field is basically in ruins.

I asked if I could leave work early today, and my boss said, “Yes, if you make up the time.” I said, “Sure, it’s sixty-five past fifteen.”

My wife tells me I talk in my sleep all the time. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work ever mentions it.

***

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.  Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope.  Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

***

I was going up to bed a couple of nights ago, when the wife told me that I’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. I opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. I phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”  I said “No,” but some people broke into my garden shed and are stealing from me.”  The police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy; lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.

I said, “Okay.”  I hung up the phone and counted to 30, then phoned the police again.  “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.” and I hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at my house, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to me, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!“  I replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

***

Don’t you hate people who come and knock on your door, saying that you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”? Stupid firefighters.

***

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is as healthy as a twenty-minute jog.
So I’m sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers.

***

Every month millions of women in America experience bloating, cramps, and fatigue.

But Taco Bell’s just too good to pass up.

***

Where do bad rainbows go?….
….Prism.  It’s a light sentence, and it gives them time to reflect.

***

 

Nice Guys Finish Last

Nice guys don’t always finish last.  Sometimes, even with good motives, they don’t finish at all.  Case in point.

My grandson tried out for a hockey team, but didn’t make it.  He was disappointed.  He told his mother that he played wing and center, and kept shifting positions because another kid couldn’t decide if he wanted to play either spot.

His mom said, “Well, you need to be more selfish and say, ‘Hey, I am playing center!’”  My grandson looked at his mom and said, “Mom, I would rather be a good person than a good hockey player.”

I thought, “You know, if we all took time to consider others, our world would be a much better place.”

I am all for having care and consideration for others, but, with the best of intentions, Mom chose an inappropriate word – ‘selfish.’  It carries the unfortunate, additional connotation of, all for me, and no-one but me.  It’s nice to be nice, but she should have said, assertive.

One can be assertive, without being an asshole.  If you don’t tell others what you want, you’ll seldom get it, and just end up going home to sit in a big, hot, soapy tub of disappointment.  Progress is made by those who want, and who communicate to others what they want.  You can be both a good person, and a good hockey player.  If you don’t want strive, perhaps you should try for a spot in the figure-skating revue, or join the chess club.

Reading this Op/Ed letter, I could just imagine the, “After you, Alphonse.  No, no, you go first, my dear Gaston.” game being played.  It is possible that the other, good person, lad was waiting for this one to make a choice, and he would gladly accept whichever position was left.  Hockey is a competitive sport.  This youth didn’t even have the drive to attain the position he wanted.  The coach wisely saw that he didn’t have the ambition and motivation necessary to win games for the team, and cut him.

Baaa…. I cannot tell a lie.  I sheepishly insist that you return soon, probably for another helping of Fibbing Friday.

’22 A To Z Challenge – V

HUSBAND-SPEAK – or – LONG-MARRIED-LANGUAGE
How to say a lot, without saying anything

What do you want for supper?HMmmh?
Archon, I’m talking to you!  Are you paying attention??!Uh-Huh!
Shall I make Mac-and-Cheese?Unh-Unh.
What about liver and onions? –Ggcck!!
How about some potato pancakes?OOOyum!
We got our credit card statement today.  We owe $1200 this month. Oooff!
My sister called.  She’s coming to visit, Sunday. – Tthththbbh.

She says you should get your ass off the couch, and get more exercise. – Humph!

And now, some words about words that aren’t actually words.  They are

VOCABLES

any word, either written or spoken, regarded simply as a sequence of letters or spoken sounds, irrespective of its meaning – like Tabernacle – pronounced Tabber-nack – Which French-Canadians use as profanity.  Or Sapristi – which is used as an expression of surprise, or a meaningless intensifier.

a vocal sound intended to carry meaning;

I know how to keep my mouth shut.  I almost starved to death one time.  Wouldn’t tell my parents that I was hungry.  Never again!!  I better not keep this up, or I’ll end up saying nothing about everything.  The only things quieter would be a nod, or a head-shake, but you’d still hear the marbles rattle, and perhaps a few fall out.

Don’t slip on any when you come back on Wednesday for a bonus comedy post.   😆