Tag Archives: cooperation

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Possibly Funny One-Liners

Anything seems possible….
….if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

A pun, an innuendo, and a limerick walk into a bar….
….No joke.

I am getting so old….
….that I have started lying about my children’s ages.

I am so old I can remember….
….when Emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Is it a sign that I am getting old….
….that I have started buying giant print alphabet soup?

I try not to let my age get me down,….
….at my age it is too hard to get back up again.

Too much sex can cause memory loss….
…. I read that in a Medical Journal on April 14th at 3:18 p.m.

I try to be a nice person….
….but sometimes my mouth just won’t co-operate.

My life diary – I was born,,,,
….Then everything bothered me – that brings us up to date.

As a chronic procrastinator….
….I’m deathly afraid of Saturday the 14th.

In ancient Greece, Chiron was a half-human/half-horse, doctor….
….Centaur For Disease Control

I spent $300 on a limo, but it didn’t come with a driver….
….all that money, and nothing to chauffeur it

I looked up my family tree….
….I found out that I’m a sap.

Don’t worry about getting older….
….You still get to do stupid things, only slower.

The other day, I rang the Speaking Clock….
….It said, “What’s the matter, can’t you afford a watch?”….
…. “Are you too lazy to lift your arm up you idiot?…. “
….It was Greenwich Mean Time.

What’s an acorn?….
….In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

Diet books are popular because….
….they appeal to a wide audience.

String theory may explain everything….
….Then again, maybe knot.

My ‘alone time’ is….
….strictly for the safety of others.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.  He said, “Thanx”….
….I said, “Don’t mention it.”

When I get naked in the bathroom….
….the shower is the only thing that gets turned on.

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Smitty’s Loose Change #20

So there I was, minding my own business, living my best life when all of a sudden this old guy snuck up behind me and took over my body.

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The wife recently told me that there could not be a city in Turkey, or Iran, or Spain, founded 2000 years ago, that the city of Vidalia, in Georgia, named itself after – because the people in Georgia had it trademarked.

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We must share space on this planet.  We have no good reason to make any appeals to anything supernatural, or to God(s), so it is up to us to work together, co-operatively, to resolve our differences and make the world a better place.  If answers are going to come, then those answers will come from humans.

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Dear Lord!  I just got a 7200+ word porno spam, with 57 segments, and links to a wide variety of kinky fetish sites.  It took me three days to read it all, coz I can’t last that long.   😉

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This has to be one of the best grammar posts I’ve ever read. The way you artfully included each error in this post is almost like art—a true God given talent. I am quite obsessed with grammatical errors ever since my professor at one of my past colleges told us to look for a grammatical error in real life and send him a picture of it for extra credit. I am now inspired myself to make a post about grammar. You’re doing the lord’s work

Perhaps you’re right. Every time I boast to the wife that I’ve found another one, she does a facepalm, and mutters, “Dear Lord.”

She don’t know me very good, do she??!

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Among other things, Guru Food Products manufactures Energy Bars.  They must be healthful, possibly organic, and good for you.  The advertising blurb on the side of the box, seen at a Wal-Mart checkout line, says that they are – Made In Plants.

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A world without God or purpose may seem harsh and pointless, but that alone does not require God to actually exist.

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Gently urged by legislation, local businesses are (finally) eliminating single-use plastic items.  Earlier, they charged 5¢ for plastic bags.  Many people began bringing their own cloth bags, but many more happily paid the price.  Now local stores only offer paper bags.  The discount store charges 10¢/ea and the big supermarket charges 15¢.

Plastic drinking straws have disappeared.  I’m glad I have a few heavy-duty ones in my glove compartment, which I bought at the Dollarama last year.  In my youth, we had wax-coated paper straws.  The new paper straws are not coated.  You’d better suck up your iced coffee quickly, or they disintegrate.

Closers on bags of bread and buns are now made of grey-board (multi-layer paper).  I eat very little bread.  A loaf might last me a month – if I freeze it, bringing out a couple of slices at a time.  Paper closers do not survive well in the freezer.  Again, I trade them out for plastic ones that I saved earlier.

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The Most Important Meal

coffee

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. .

WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

And finally,
God may have created man before woman, But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

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The object of war is not to die for your country
but to make the other jerk die for his.
General George Patton

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At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded yes.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again, the boy nodded yes.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

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I need to get in shape; if I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
I am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.
Am I fat? My favorite food is seconds.

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What are the Five Reasons for not wanting to be an Egg?

  1. You only get laid once.
  2. You only get eaten once.
  3. Seven minutes to get hard (in boiling water).
  4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
  5. The only one that sits on your face is your mother.

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I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat
anything you want. But you must eat it with naked
fat people.

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I hope you don’t fuck like you park…you’ll never get it in…

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😆